How can I have been so stupid

[Fuzzywig1]

I am in a terrible terrible mess and it is all my own fault.

This is long sorry.

Before I post please can I say that anything nasty or mean you say to me I have said to myself and it is not why I am here

I have been married for 21 years to a kind and gentle but emotionally distant man. I know he loves me but he does not find it easy to be vulnerable and show it in some ways. I am very warm and physically affectionate and he is not or not consistently meaning I often would feel lonely. Sex was also always on his terms and less than I wanted.

30 years ago I had an 18 month relationship with who I thought was ‘the one’ . Yes I was very young 22 and he was even younger (19). Anyway after a very very passionate relationship he went off to drama school and decided to leave me. I was heartbroken and never forgot him and never trusted that sort of passion again.

2 years ago and out of the blue an email arrived saying he had seen me at my sons football training. We started emailing agreed to meet ( I told my husband about this first meeting) blah blah yes we started an affair.

From the beginning he told me he always loved me but buried the feelings deep he wants us to be together we are twin souls. He left his wife and now lives on his own.

I did not ask him to do this by the way

I feel somehow enchanted by him and that I lose my reason ....

I have told my husband I want to get divorced but he cannot believe it and says we have always had a lovely and sweet relationship

Eventually he found out and now I am in an awful impasse.

The om said he does not want to put pressure on me but his moving out made its own guilt and pressure. His constant emailing showering of love and gifts etc have made me stupid.

My husband seems to just want to carry on as if nothing has happened and that I’m the end I will ‘cone Back to him’.

Over and over every day I change my mind about what to do. What will cause the least harm.

I have two lovely children aged 13 and 9 and I cannot bear the thought of hurting them. I have already hurt them by being distant from their father and sleeping separately from him.

I think I have now got to the point of knowing that I cannot do this. It is wrong, I have been deluded Abd stupid.

But I am now scared to tell the om who has changed his life for me and will be devastated

This email sounds so stupid.

I don’t think people would believe this of me.

I don’t do Facebook or anything else. Only do linked in for my job. Which is how he contacted me initially

I’m not despondent .

I’m remorseful. I will always regret this. I regret ever having met him and certainly this.

Although I have learnt a lot about myself.

And about the nature of my relationship with dh . Before we had the children we were incredibly close. We tried so hard to be perfect parents to the kids who both had their own issues that we forgot to give our relationship the attention they all need.

And I responded by getting angry and dh by withdrawing and that made me more angry and the cycle repeated until we were both a bit withdrawn and connecting through the kids. Though this is a simplified version.

The thing is, you have told him to leave you alone. If he 'mistakenly' sent you a request he still shouldn't have contacted you just to say it was a mistake. Personally, I call bullshit and it was intentionally done to give him an excuse to message you and hope for a reply.

Yes, you have to tell DH because you promised to do so. But I strongly encourage you (and DH) to NOT RESPOND to OM in any way regarding his 'mistake'.

Just block him on Linkd-in and forget about it.

I’ve deleted it.

It seems odd.

Who does that anyway connect with everybody who’s viewed your profile?

It’s odd. Lots of them are headhunters or people trying to sell you stuff.

Also somebody said I sound like I am in turmoil. I am sometimes but I also have peace of mind for long periods of time. Something I have not had for 2 years

And I tend to come on here when I am in turmoil too

Fuzzy, go back and read your first post in this thread. THAT was a woman in turmoil. You've done so well and come so far. Of course it won't be easy, and it is all uphill for the moment. But whilst your feelings of guilt, remorse & shame are totally understandable, you should allow yourself a little bit of pride too.

You didn't take the option that was superficially more attractive. Your head is still clearing, so be gentle with yourself. Your DH clearly does love you, & you him, but you both got stuck in a rut of roles.

And to all the others who have posted kind, understanding, & supportive messages here... You've probably saved this marriage and so much heartache. If the vicious comments had persisted, Fuzzy would have been scared off, and lost this chance to change her family dynamic for the better.

Fuzzy did you block him or not?

Of course it was deliberate and intended to provoke a reaction. Keep on going Fuzzy

Gosh, he's really determined to keep himself in your thoughts isn't he? Really very determined indeed.

You are sounding strong though

I was but I’m not today.

I just feel a bit flat and not taking pleasure in things like I used to.

Dh is being lovely but he is trying to act as if everything is nprimal which is part of what caused the whole distance to grow in the first place.

I’ll be better tomorrow

By that I mean he avoids conflict and discussion

Oh dear

Fuzzy, you've had two years of a man filling your head with dreams & wonder. It was wonderful. It wasn't real life.

Real life is a slog, it isn't always fun. Sometimes you just have to plod, and I think that's what your DH is doing, treading water for now, whilst the daily grind goes on. I think you need to understand too that he's still scared of losing you, so doesn't want to do anything that might rock the boat.

You'll be alright tomorrow, and back on track.

Agree with PutUpWithRain - go back and read the start of this thread and then you'll see what turmoil is. What you're feeling now is the low after the adrenalin spike you experience whenever OM gets in touch. He's clever, I'll give him that - just poking you enough to remind you that he still exists, but without full on contact that could cross into harassment. Remember this: if he really loved you, he'd respect you wanted to save your marriage and let you go.

But the more pressing issue is you and your husband slipping back into old habits. Tell him you're scared that you'll both get complacent again and you don't want that. It's far too soon for a grand gesture, but would something like renewing your marriage vows be worth considering at some point down the line - then you can make new, ultra personal ones that are more along the lines of not taking each other for granted than til death do us part? Or, in the short term, why don't you plan an amazing holiday somewhere together - a place you've never been but both want to. Something that gets you both excited again about the future, rather than just rambling towards it with the same blinkers on that got you into this mess in the first place.

Hi everybody. I am much better today. I think the tone of OM last email and me binning it made it a final 'end' and it gave me a bit of a wobble. But it is indeed tthat and brain chemicals.

He's not slipping back into old habits, he is making a huge effort (whcih i appreciate) but he doesnt want to talk about painful feelings which makes me worry it will all boil up.

All his anger is directed towards OM (not that he even shows this but will if i ask him) .

I have thought about the marriage vows thing - not for now but maybe for our 25th wedding anniversary or something.

We have planned a tiny break (its only 2 nights but this is only the second time we have been away on our own since t dd 12 years ago -). We've also planned a lovely family holiday and we both said it is nice to look forward to things again.

The strange thing about the affair is that whilst OM was constantly trying to arrange breaks and things in the future i never really looked forward to them or wanted to do them as the guilt of them spoiled them all. I am astonished at how i would do something that made me so miserable most of the time......except that when i could compartmentalise the guilt i was happy in a frenetic and mad way.

I do wonder if the chaos and drama of my childhood home makes me find normal life a bit dull.......even whilst knowing it is what i need.

I had lunch with my best friend today and she is so happy for me, she said she has been so worried about me but that i couldnt hear anything she said.... not that she strongly said 'dont do it, stop you are being mad'.

On which note i must say how thankful i am for the kindness and empathy of some of the amazing people on here. I would never have had the courage to do this on my own whilst in the crazy fog of my meringue love (whihc would have melted in the first drop of rain).

Thank you.

I hope the 'you slut' people take some pause from this - as if that was all i had been given i would have left i am sure at some point as i simply couldnt see another way. with my lunacy goggles on.

Glad you're feeling better and have some nice things planned with DH.

I am in actual good mood today. A normal good mood. Not a drama/frenetic thing. I havent felt like this for ages.

All the time even in the affair i would look back at myself before it started and think you were pretty happy you know. And envy myself.

Lovely to read your post today Fuzzy. Think how far you've come eh? xx

Guys comes on being hateful and placing blame here isn't helping. Tbh I would dump the OM he pursued you, left his wife and is now waiting? doesn't seem like a trustworthy person to me anyone who would walk out on their own marriage and then play a part in breaking up someone else's marriage and family is not a good sign what would you do if he decided you and your kids were too much baggage for him and he left you for someone else? Whilst you are just as culpable as him I still don't think its a good idea to end the marriage and be with him your kids would probably resent this other guy and you for breaking up their family. I think you need to talk to your husband when the kids aren't about and actually spell it out to him how unhappy you both are and both need to put in the effort and make changes to save your relationship otherwise it will end anyway or you will both continue to be unhappy. As for your comment about you don't want him living somewhere horrid why should he move out if you're the one who wants out?

I'm glad you're feeling better. Just focus on those positive feelings and keep working at things. Your marriage didn't 'break' in one day, it won't heal in one day.

As far as others' negative words, remember that what we think here doesn't amount to shit in RL. What's important is what your DH feels about you, and more importantly, what you feel about yourself.

Get with the times Ariesgirl. Ffs.

Took the words right out of my mouth @springydaff!

Hi everybody. I’m still quite up and down. Not really at all or hardly ever questioning decision but am finding it hard with dh. I love him deeply but am finding physical side of things difficult. Not hugs and cuddles but sex. I think I feel a bit invaded and am not interested in that at all at the moment but dh is.... although he is being understanding.

And I know it will get better with time. We are going to see a marriage coach rather than a counsellor which I think he will handle a lot better than I.