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Original poster

Ok, you buggers (affectionately said). Are some affairs more acceptable than others?

270 replies

Koala72 · 15/02/2018 20:41

Right. So, after an unpleasant brush with a psychopathic sociopathic female who attempted to break up our family, I have studied the whole business of affairs for a while now.

And this is the question to you lot:

A lot of men - pretty much most men - seem to have sex or an EA out of their main partnership at one time or another. I did a survey of all the men I know, and only found a couple who hadn't (and I mean family, extended family, all friends, colleagues, neighbours - all of them).

Let us just swallow the bitter pill and say ok, this is likely to happen.
(for argument's sake)

Now - whereas an affair with a woman who intends to stay with the guy, and therefore this will involve him leaving his main partner and possibly kids, is clearly very destructive and life-changing, is it ok for him to have an affair, dalliance, EA, whatever, with a woman who doesn't want him to leave his family?

So, she wants to see him a couple of times a month, talk to him, have him as some kind of sex interest, but the last thing on earth she would want would be for him to leave his main family. Mutual discretion, controlled behaviour, both sides safeguarding any families involved so that they just have a private relationship which in some way helps them, and hurts nobody.

Isn't this OK? (given that if it's going to happen, it may as well happen in a way that doesn't hurt anybody??)

All hypothetical, of course.

OP posts:
Bastardingcough · 15/02/2018 20:43

I can totally see where you are coming from.

Original poster
Koala72 · 15/02/2018 20:44

And no it's not my plan, before you start probing. I'm just trying to work out how this phenomenon of guys always straying is/can be dealt with.

And don't start saying 'I know my husband has never done anything like this' because the sad thing is, you probably can't say that with 100% certainty. Maybe he just did it in a clever and compassionate way, rather that like a crazy fuckup.

OP posts:
SallyLockhartsDog · 15/02/2018 20:45

Men break up their families by having an affair....they chose to leave or stay. It is their decision.

Bizarre that you seen to put 100% of the blame on to the female party as to whether the man stays or not.

Original poster
Koala72 · 15/02/2018 20:45

I can totally see where you are coming from.
That's good. Omg. Makes me feel like I'm finally understanding this whole awful thing. Thanks : )

OP posts:
Bastardingcough · 15/02/2018 20:46

My now happily married friend had an EA with a married man. She was going through a rough patch. He boosted her self esteem, at a time when her DH couldn't or wouldn't.
Neither had any intention of leaving their families. To them it was a bit of fantastical fun.

SallyLockhartsDog · 15/02/2018 20:46

Clever and compassionate and affair do not belong in the same sentence.

Heartbroken47 · 15/02/2018 20:48

So would you think it would be OK to have an affair if it didn't break the relationship up?

Of course it's bloody not ok! Unless you have an open relationship it is never ok to go behind your partners back and sleep with/have an emotional affair with someone else.

Biscuit
SallyLockhartsDog · 15/02/2018 20:49

You definitely come across as being the OW.

Bastardingcough · 15/02/2018 20:50

Personally, I do think you can love more than one person at a time. There are different types of love.

Original poster
Koala72 · 15/02/2018 20:50

Bizarre that you seen to put 100% of the blame on to the female party as to whether the man stays or not.

No - you misunderstand, and I'm sorry, as that probably means I haven't explained it clearly.

Regardless of who wants what, there are some affairs where the man is drawn to leave the main family, and others where he wants to keep the family safe, but still have another woman on the side. Obviously this requires collaboration with the other woman - she has to be on board with the limits of the relationship, and has to agree to safeguard the family (and possibly/probably her own family as well).

So, are all affairs bad, or is it ok when both parties agree to be discreet?

OP posts:
Luckingfovely · 15/02/2018 20:52

I have worked in a very alpha-male, testosterone fuelled industry for all of my career.

Affairs are so normal people barely seem to remark on them any more. I see far more married people who are having affairs than not.

For the sake of clarity - I'm not condoning this or endorsing it in any way. Just stating the facts.

In answer to your question - yes, of course affairs that don't break up marriages are better than those that do. But every situation is unique, is naturally unstable, and always has the potential for massive fall out.

TheAntiBoop · 15/02/2018 20:52

You spoke to all those men and they were totally honest. Ok then.

Original poster
Koala72 · 15/02/2018 20:52

Personally, I do think you can love more than one person at a time. There are different types of love.
I think not just different types, but different needs being met by different people.

We only live once.

You definitely come across as being the OW.
V funny, as so am not. Trust me.

OP posts:
Thisimmortalcurl · 15/02/2018 20:53

I don’t think the morals of men and women are that different. Some people can sleep next to another person every night knowing that they are betraying the trust between them and some can’t.
I fall into the side that can’t. About 5 years ago I was slightly tempted when going through a difficult time in my marriage but it stayed just a thought thankfully.
I hope my husband is the same .
You can never be 100% about anyone though.

Slanetylor · 15/02/2018 20:53

Hmmm an ongoing affair over many months or years would not be acceptable in my books. But yes, I accept this stuff happens ALL THE TIME. I supppse I picture it more as being stuck somewhere late and possibly drunk and 2 people just come together for one night. This has to happen fairly often. Not acceptable and I would not want to know about it and I'm not sure how I'd react. But I don't think I could get over an emotional affair that was long lasting.

Screaminginsideme · 15/02/2018 20:53

No they aren’t Ok. I get what you are thinking but the emotional fall out when an affair is revealed is too high a price. Both parties are shitting on the marriage vows. The excuse that most men do it makes me sick!

SallyLockhartsDog · 15/02/2018 20:53

You don't love someone bastarding if you break their trust by lying and cheating with someone else. I agree that humans are capable of loving more than one person, but love is openness, honesty and trust.

Yes - all affairs are bad Hmm.

Open relationships where all parties know what's going on = fine

AnyFucker · 15/02/2018 20:54

You sound like a consummate manpleaser

Sort yourself the fuck out

tafftum · 15/02/2018 20:56

All affairs are bad, regardless Hmm
Doesn't matter if you don't "intend" to hurt anyone or not.

BrieAndChilli · 15/02/2018 20:58

I think an ongoing affair (whether is breaks up the family or not) is much much worse than a one night stand with a stranger.
It’s the emotional involvement that would be worse for me I think, sex is sex and I’ve had enough with enough different people to understand it’s just a physical need. But the being close, sharing secrets and flirty looks and all the excitement of waiting to see each thier and the other women being seen as the ‘sexy’ one as they aren’t the one nagging the man to pick up thier laundry etc would be a worse betrayal than the actual sex.

sparkleandsunshine · 15/02/2018 20:58

I would say that no it’s still not ok if it’s a discreet going nowhere affair, because of the hurt it would cause if it did come out.
And the potential for the family to be destroyed because the non-cheating partner can’t handle the cheating results in the same end as if it was an affair that was going somewhere.
My dad had a 3 year double life which all came out when he tried to end it with her. My parents split and now 3 years later are back together. There relationship is now better than ever and they’ve been through councilling and made massive changes in their relationship.

My mum honestly says that if it hadn’t been for his affair she wouldn’t be as happy as she is now. Funny how things come around, but she still says that cheating is the worst thing for her.

PNGirl · 15/02/2018 20:59

If you sanction an affair in certain circs, the cheap thrill goes, so this type of person will go and find an illicit one.

Rach000 · 15/02/2018 20:59

I don't think it is ok to have an affair just because no one finds out and the ow agrees not to make him leave.

IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 15/02/2018 21:02

It wouldn’t be ok, IMO unless all parties who could be affected are given a vote on all the facts. Relationships do not take place in sterile scientific environments so there are too many variables beyond the control of that relationship - what ever its chosen form - by the involved parties. If you don’t want to give your partner, children, wider family members, friends the low down on what’s occurring it’s probably something folk should not be doing.

PinkHeart5914 · 15/02/2018 21:05

No man or woman ever has an excuse to cheat, it’s a fucking rubbish way to treat someone you cared about once and no doubt have built a life with.

It’s never ok!