Ok, you buggers (affectionately said). Are some affairs more acceptable than others?

[Koala72]

Right. So, after an unpleasant brush with a psychopathic sociopathic female who attempted to break up our family, I have studied the whole business of affairs for a while now.

And this is the question to you lot:

A lot of men - pretty much most men - seem to have sex or an EA out of their main partnership at one time or another. I did a survey of all the men I know, and only found a couple who hadn't (and I mean family, extended family, all friends, colleagues, neighbours - all of them).

Let us just swallow the bitter pill and say ok, this is likely to happen.
(for argument's sake)

Now - whereas an affair with a woman who intends to stay with the guy, and therefore this will involve him leaving his main partner and possibly kids, is clearly very destructive and life-changing, is it ok for him to have an affair, dalliance, EA, whatever, with a woman who doesn't want him to leave his family?

So, she wants to see him a couple of times a month, talk to him, have him as some kind of sex interest, but the last thing on earth she would want would be for him to leave his main family. Mutual discretion, controlled behaviour, both sides safeguarding any families involved so that they just have a private relationship which in some way helps them, and hurts nobody.

Isn't this OK? (given that if it's going to happen, it may as well happen in a way that doesn't hurt anybody??)

All hypothetical, of course.

Badger, my post was badly written, what I was trying to convey was ones perception around infidelity rates may well depend on demographics. Mine and my partners industry’s are certainly not representative but our experiance is that infidelity is rife within them.

I’m sure I read somewhere before that statistically office jobs have the most affairs/co-worker extra curricular activity going on.

Make sense in a way you are with your “team” Monday-Friday 8+ hours a day when your spending the majority of your awake time with the same person continuesly it could easily by accident end up bordering on EA which then depending on the people could go further.

I think that’s inevitable Isaid. The worst infidelity I have witnessed is on courses when people have been away from home for weeks while training. Many years ago I spent months away at hotels with others. It was unbelievable what was going on. The men in their 30’s were the worst. They were in sales (Banking) typical alpha males and happy to cheat on their girlfriends and wives in some cases. Some of my female colleagues who were just young women and perhaps a bit inexperienced work wise were drinking too much and going along with it. It’s was an eye opener for sure.

I suppose infidelity has been around as long as humanity though. It’s all a lottery really isn’t it. I would say it’s probably 50/50 whether the person you marry or are with will cheat or not.

My cousin works away a lot and told me once everything his coworkers get up to. I asked him not to tell me again.

Equally, a friend who is a (married) squaddie, told me that hardly an of them keep it in their pants, should opportunity present itself.

I can see where you are coming from, OP. I always told DH if he ever did, to absolutely not tell me, as I would struggle not to chop his bollocks off.

DH and I were in the pub trade for years, and heard/saw many things, from both men and women. One punter said 'never have an affair with someone who has less to loose than you do.' If I was ever inclined to cheat, I think there is some truth in that. (Thankfully, I am happily married for 15 years so far, and hope to stay this way for many, many more years.)

Pickle- I think the problem with a lot of men is they don’t seem unhappy with their marriages! They do it anyway if they are that way inclined and opportunity presents itself. I’m not sure as many women would do that.

Ok, so, setting this record straight:

I was genuinely shocked to find that when I considered all the men I could think of, very many of them had had affairs. Of course they had them with someone - so as many women as men had had the affairs, but in the men I considered, their partners/wives hadn't been unfaithful - it was just the men.

In the majority of cases, the women weren't even aware of what had happened.

It unnerved me, and upset me, because I had had the naive view beforehand that most partnerships/marriages are faithful, and that it was just bad people (sorry) who had affairs. Or, to be more precise, people who weren't properly moral and decent (as for some reason you buggers - and that's why I called you that - in ribbing affection - have madly somehow concluded that I am!). There is nothing in my OP that means I agree with infidelity. I think it is an absolute deal breaker and ruins the relationship, and where this nonsense comes from that I am somehow accepting someone back after an affair - ?? No, I'm not.

Anyhow, personal comments and private life aside, my journey was discovering that so many partnerships/marriages had in fact been tainted by infidelity. I then started to wonder whether I was being ridiculous not to accept/understand this as modern life, and I thought perhaps lots of people were making 'adult' arrangements and carrying on, as it were.

Clearly not, if the MN sample is indicative of the general norm : )

And no, I don't take it lightly and meant nothing flippantly. I know as well as anybody how infidelity can decimate one's life, and that of one's children, having been a victim of it.

Not rt whole ft yet but what you are ignoring is that people can be hurt by things they don't know about. Cheaters are not giving the same love and attention to their spouse, with something 'extra' on the side - everything they give to their affair partner, takes something away from their spouse. Their behaviour changes, which affects the real partner - very few people can conduct an affair and not becone different at home. So many cheated on people, know at a subconscious level that the affair is going on. They aren't always able to confront it so block it out until they can deal with it, but they know nonetheless and are damaged by it.

Cheating makes a mockery of another person's life, it denies them autonomy. Whether they know or not is immaterial.

Cheating makes a mockery of another person's life, it denies them autonomy. Whether they know or not is immaterial.

Absolutely agree.

Why are you so convinced that all.men cheat? I don't know who you mix with but I am sure my dh has never cheated in me, and I can safely say the same about 90% of my friends husbands.

If every man you know cheats and admits to it, then I really think you're mixing with the wrong people

Mutual discretion, controlled behaviour, both sides safeguarding any families involved so that they just have a private relationship which in some way helps them, and hurts nobody.

However it doesn't happen like that - both parties end up hurt to some extent as inevitably feelings do develop . It is only human nature . An affair is an intense relationship . It is all about fun and not always only about sex ( Many women make that mistake ) but it doesn't have the day to day drag of life .Even if the wife does not find out , her relationship is still being affected - "time" is being taken from her - his time thinking about his affair partner , his time messaging his affair partner, his time when he decides not to go straight home that night but to have that blowjob he so desires instead . Even when it has ended there is the time he may still be spending - thinking about it, looking at the messages and the photos. The wife may not know but her time has been taken and given elsewhere .

My husband started chatting with a younger female and when he saw it was something serious he finished with me (his wife) since then he's been seeing her fairly regularly. He's recently said he can't see his future without me. Is this down to habit and routine of being together for 10 years and being married for 7 years?
I've been living in hell for a few months now as we still live together and share the same bed.

I think people cheat not just men or women. I know as many women who have had an affair as men. Is it right no. Does it happen yes. I don't judge. Relationships are hard and sometimes people get caught up in things they shouldn't. Would I be devastated if my husband had an affair, yes. I wouldn't necessarily leave though I would think what is wrong with us that he felt the need and I would try and work on it.

I think the op is either a journalist, or she is wanting people to give her an ego boost; because she wants to go ahead and have an affair.

People cheat and are being selfish and betraying. If they didnt want that thrill, if they wanted to protect and stay in their relationshop then they wouldnt cheat. If they wanted an open relationship they would ask but the truth is like them selfish...they want to cheat, they dont want their partner too. Every cheat ive known of, male or female, has hated the idea of being cheated on. Of their partner also having an affair.

Things discrete and unknown can still hurt the person being cheated on. Emotional because the cheater checks out the relationship or changes in behaviour I know someone ttc who caught a nasty STI when apparently the OH was using protection.

I do know those who say they would forgive say a drunken kiss or shag but not an affair for example. But they havent dealt with that reality yet so cant truly know.

"Equally, a friend who is a (married) squaddie, told me that hardly an of them keep it in their pants, should opportunity present itself. "

I used to work on a boat and all the men were having affairs or trying to.The only exception was one who was a newly wed.

Gwen, bless him. Nice that he held on to his ideals although I am pretty sure in that environment, he will have cracked eventually.

The sad thing is, IME, these types of men would go ballistic if their partners gave them a taste of their own medicine..

For all the different types of affairs there isn’t one less damaging than the next. Though for me personally I believe that there are some factors that are easier with time to deal with. My H had a brief fling with someone at work. It was an ego boost and attention. Pathetic. He dropped her the day I found out. He didn’t love her, it was work place flirting that crossed the line. If it had been more than that, if he had sat on the fence to choose over us, loved her, been spending nights away to be with her etc I would have ended it. I stayed. It’s not been easy but infidelity is so so common and I wasn’t going to let his shitty choices and some idiot girl bring anymore pain to me and my family. My brother just came back from a stag abroad and said his married friends were the worst..it happens all the time.

Bettybo, for you. I would like to think I would react the same as you, in those circumstances.

Emma - you can’t safely say anything about your friends. It’s hard enough to know whether your husband has cheated let alone your friends husbands.

My husband cheated for 18 months and I didn’t have a clue. There was not one sign. He was extremely devious and covered his tracks so well that no one would have known.

I think you need new male friends.

It’s always been there. It’s just so much easier to communicate with anyone in the world descretly via a mobile phone now.

"Gwen, bless him. Nice that he held on to his ideals although I am pretty sure in that environment, he will have cracked eventually."

Well, he won't have stayed a newly wed for long.
He lived locally though, the worst were obviously the ones who stayed local on their days off, but lived somewhere else with their wives and partners.

Your experience is definitely not my experience Op. Amongst my friends and family, male and female, affairs are very uncommon. In my very large family only one marriage broke up due to cheating and it was my sil who had the affair. Some of the people I know might have had secret affairs but imo it would be a small number. And to answer your question, no it would never be OK to cheat just because your partner would never find out. If you want to have sex with other people don't get married.

I actually agree with you... As in a No strings affair with not much commitment is not as bad as one that ends up in divorce. But you can't control what you'll end up feeling and sometimes divorce is needed so in the end they're happy endings of sorts