My mum and I keep arguing now she is old.

[Trendy1]

I am really going to try to keep this short, but this has been going on for years.

My mum is 83, but you would think she was 93 the way she behaves. She has been divorced for about 35 years. I have a brother who visits about every six months (it's only a one hour journey). So, I am left holding the baby. I work with older people and I am shocked at how incapable she behaves at her age. Many people I know have many, many harder lives than her, but you wouldn't think so. Since she had cataracts done last year, she hasn't driven, so she relies on me or taxis to get about ( work part time, two young adults at home and DH). She is perfectly fit, but stoops and shuffles, I am worried she will fall over, because of this. DH says she is putting it on. She is definitely putting some of it on, because when she needs to she walks ok. She has a bit of glaucoma, but is half blind, she has slight blood pressure, so is having a stroke, she has slight deafness, but we are all mumbling!

Anyway, she tells me what to do the whole time, hates her life, hates her 'friends' (she hardly has any), hates her neighbours. She told me all this today at the end of another awful trip to the shops. I can see that she is just a pathetic old woman, and I try to be compassionate, but wow, she drives me nuts! Example - drive to the library, where there is an ambulance set down point. "You can park here and come with me", no, I can't actually, "why do you argue all the time?", err, because it's for ambulances. "My taxi driver parks here" No, he waits here for you, in the car. I cannot park here. So, now we are all huffy, and it just escalates every single time, into "you treat me like a child". I am so frustrated and now guilty as well. We went up the high street, and it's moan, moan the whole time. I really do try to cheer her up, but everything is wrong. Never mind what I do for her. So then, when we get back home, she asks if I am coming in, "just for a second". I know it won't be a second, it will be a full hour and half, and I just cannot sit and listen to it any more. So, I say no, so she gets out and slams the door. It's like this every week.

I have told her that when she gets miserable there is no need to be mean to me, but she just shrugs. Anyway, sorry for the rant, just want to get it off my chest!

You sound like you hate her.

Pathetic old woman??

And you work with older people
Poor devils and your poor mum
I hope that this is a wind up and will report it anyway.

Jeez op, feel better now do you getting that off your chest? You won't find a shred of sympathy from me. Your attitude is awful. She's an 83 year old with failing health and you refer to her as a pathetic old woman? You work with the elderly too!!! It's people like you who make me determined to fling myself off a bridge when I get old and frail, as I'd never want the likes of you being in charge of any care I need. You should be ashamed of yourself.

My mum is a bit like this and she's only 70. It can be hard to spend time with someone who will give you sad eyes and cats bum mouth when you try to leave. Especially when they've just moaned for the last hour.

I love her very dearly but she just doesn't see that her company is actually a bit of a drag, and not the joyous gift she seems to think it is.

But it's your mum so what can you do.

I think your mum is probably depressed and lonely. Also what blood pressure medication is she on? mood changes can be one of the side effects.

For what its worth, she is probably completely unaware how mean she is coming across. You don't sound horrible, you sound like someone who is doing your duty and getting very little thanks for it.

Maybe try mixing it up a bit, can you take her out somewhere different a cup of coffee by a river or something? I also think your brother needs to step up a bit more. As to the backlash you get from your mum just go with it a bit, I know its not easy but try and deflect the negative by sharing loads of OTT positive things with her.

I think you are completely exasperated by her because she is a very difficult unhappy person. However, you are not responsible for her and her actions; she is.

Its hard also being seemingly the last one left who actually bothers with her.

My guess is that she has been like this her whole life; its not your fault she is the ways she is. The dynamic here is very dysfunctional and I think she knows what she is doing here. Is your dad still present in your life, if so what does he think about all this?. People like your mother really do not have friends for good reason; they are driven away by such behaviours.

Where are your boundaries with regards to your mother; these need to be urgently raised. I would certainly not continue to ferry her about given how ungrateful she appears to be as well. What does your brother make of his mother and her behaviours?. You would not have tolerated this from a friend, your mother is no different.

dantdmistedious - I am beginning to hate her because she is sucking the life out of me. I am also frustrated, upset, guilty and shocked. I try to look upon her as pathetic because I am hoping it will cause me to feel compassion.

HappyGirlNow - Thanks, that's helpful. I work with old people, and many of them are over 90, but show optimism, kindness and resiliance. None of which I get from my mother. And, as I have said, I think she is putting it on. Please explain why you think i am horrible.

I am shocked by these replies. I thought Mumsnet was a place for support.

Worldsworstcook - Thank you so much for your understanding. She never used to be like as bad as this, but her negativity has become more obvious and harder to ignore, so I think it is age related. I have said to her that she has a lot of time left, and try to be more positive, but it doesn't last more than a couple of days.

Appreciate that your frustration to some degree, OP - my mum is in her late sixties but has had multiple health problems for many years. These have, over time, become her 'thing' - she is an expert patient in that she knows how to use her ailments to be manipulative! I don't get angry with her, however, as I know how much her problems limit her, and how frustrating things get for her, and how isolated she must feel, not to mention how much constant discomfort, long-term disrupted sleep, etc. are.
I wonder if perhaps your mum has some mental health issues - perhaps she is lonely and could use some extra support? Is there anything available in her local community that you could initiate, so that it's not all on your shoulders? Age UK might be worth a look?

83 is old. Most people die at around that age

Thanks Attila, I am actually shaking because of some of the replies on here. I love my mother to bits, I have always stood by her in her negativity, taken her on hols, taken her to therapists, done everything I flipping can and never, ever treated her with anything but love.

My brother visits every six months, and I have to go to the shops so he has all the biscuits and cakes, dinners, etc that she can give him. I have suggested that maybe he take her to a restaurant, but "he doesn't want to have to drive out once he gets here" (one hour journey from his house).
My Dad left the country when I was a child.
ChangChang - I have always instigated help, social dinners, classes, etc, and she always says "maybe next week'. it never happens. She will never do anything in the community.

You sound horrid, to be honest.
I wouldn't dream of speaking about my mother like that, poor thing.

It's shit getting old, it sucks, there's a lot to moan about. 83 is old, 93 is exceptionally older than most people in this country actually get to.

I'm sure your frustrations are valid but calling your mum a pathetic old woman? That's awful, no matter how hard you try to justify it.

No advice I’m afraid but just wanted to say I’m also quite surprised by the first few responses you got. It is utterly draining and depressing being around a parent who is like this. A lot of folk in your shoes would just avoid the person but it sounds like you’re much kinder than that and are continuing to try to help your mum and bring happiness to her life. Good on you for this. I don’t think you can change someone at this stage of your life so suspect this is more about you finding ways to cope so you don’t get dragged down too by her.

My Mother is 81 yrs old and is exactly the same. I image the pp have not had to contend with the amount soul destroying manipulation some parents can do. I am afraid I cannot give you any help or tips but I can understand. Especially the olden child.

Hi Trendy1,

It does sound difficult and very tiring. I think your Mum might be having a difficult time herself too.

Was she difficult when she was younger? Or do you think she is struggling with Depression?

She may be suffering from Depression or starting with Dementia. Dementia (particularly Vascular Dementia rather than Alzheimer's) can often start with behavioural symptoms (irritability, unreasonable behaviour) before the Memory symptoms start so this could be what is going on. I cared for my Gran in our house for years as she developed worsening Vascular Dementia and although it was difficult to manage her memory issues the behavioural problems (aggression, irritability etc.) were much harder to cope with.

I wonder if your Mum is also quite lonely- does she go to any social activities? (e.g. she could attend a Seniors Lunch Club or Bingo session). If possible then it might be a good idea to pop into her house sometimes but arrange for someone to phone you with an excuse to get away after an hour to two!

You cannot change who she is. That is not going to happen.

You cannot help anyone who ultimately does not want to be helped. She has you currently as a willing audience to moan at; she would test the patience of a saint. I would actually now only meet her in a public place like a restaurant so she is less likely to behave badly.

Not all elderly people are nice and or mellow out in their old age; many of them can be bloody difficult. Its very much dependent on their personality. It seems like your mother has not altered much if at all since your own childhood particularly if she was negative in terms of personality at a younger age.

Tbh you aren't coming across well.

To call her a pathetic old women isn't nice.

She may not be 93 but 83 is very elderly!

My mum is 83 but you would think she is 93 the way she behaves

Seriously? Read that sentence again OP and thik about it

She is now the same age as the the average life expectancy of a female in the UK.
She probably thinks about her own mortality a lot as she ages and may be worried about dying - so she might get a bit depressed and grumpy
She is probably feeling a bit vulnerable - so she may exacerbate a few of her ailments.
She is probably feeling a bit lonely - so she asks you to spend more time with her. Loneliness is a terrible thing.

I work with older people and I'm shocked by how incapable she behaves at her age

I'm shocked that you are so dispassionate about your own mum - unless there is a massive drip feed to come and she was abusive to you in some way.

I really really understand the frustrations that having an elderly parent can bring. My mum is 85 this year and sometimes she can be a cantankerous old madam, I let her have her moans and grumbles so she can vent but then I quickly change the subject.

I try to make sure that she has little things to look forward to in the immediate future such as a trip to the theatre, the cinema, afternoon tea every 3/4 months and this really seems to help with her outlook and lift her moods. Could you do the same? I clean her house once per week and its a good opportunity to catch up and have a little gossip. I run her to hospital appointments and the shops just like she did for me when I was a younger and needed her care. My mum was not a "Disney" mum in any shape or form and we are very different in terms of our beliefs etc but I am acutely aware of her mortality and feel blessed to still have her with me.

To put it bluntly your mum may not be around for much longer, can you not give her a bit of a hall pass for being a bit difficult? Would she consider living in sheltered accommodation? It is a marvellous option where people live retain their full independence but live in a community don't feel isolated. A warden just checks on their well being daily and if you worry she may have a fall this could be a great idea.

Oh sorry I just read your recent reply saying that you try to get her to attend social groups and she won't go- poor you!

By the way I just wanted to say that it's totally reasonable that you're feeling overwhelmed and frustrated and I'm sorry that other posters don't seem to understand!

I used to post on an Alzheimer's forum quite a lot when I was a carer and finding it hard to cope because I just had to vent so I know what it's like!

Thank you, those of you with kind words. lilabet2 - my first memory ever was of me asking my Dad why my Mum was 'cross all the time'. So, yes, she was difficult from day one. She is depressed, but won't go to the doctor. I have taken her to therapy, but 'it's a waste of money'. She is very lonely, whenever I am round there (two times a week at least, not including 'jobs') she wants me to stay longer. She wouldn't even consider social activities. I have said I would go with her, but she won't go.

I wondered about dementia too, I'll look into this.

Also just to add that people do age at different rates so her biological age might be 93 (e.g. her heart, lungs, brain might be functioning in the same way as those of another 93 year old), even if her body is 83 so I wouldn't assume that she is necessarily putting it on or that she will be around for a long time BUT that's not to say that caring for her isn't incredibly hard work!

Lilabet I've cared for an immediate member of family with Alzheimer's and yes, it can be exhausting and upsetting and tiresome, it makes you want to vent and scream and question the world.

That is very different to spending time with your elderly, lucid mother and complaining about it to the point you feel you have to call her a pathetic old woman.

It's not remotely the complaining I have the issue with - venting is needed, and it's healthy, and I don't doubt OP is having a hard time of it. My problem lies with the vitriolic way she speaks about her mum, reeks of disrespect and is quite sad.