My mum and I keep arguing now she is old.

[Trendy1]

I am really going to try to keep this short, but this has been going on for years.

My mum is 83, but you would think she was 93 the way she behaves. She has been divorced for about 35 years. I have a brother who visits about every six months (it's only a one hour journey). So, I am left holding the baby. I work with older people and I am shocked at how incapable she behaves at her age. Many people I know have many, many harder lives than her, but you wouldn't think so. Since she had cataracts done last year, she hasn't driven, so she relies on me or taxis to get about ( work part time, two young adults at home and DH). She is perfectly fit, but stoops and shuffles, I am worried she will fall over, because of this. DH says she is putting it on. She is definitely putting some of it on, because when she needs to she walks ok. She has a bit of glaucoma, but is half blind, she has slight blood pressure, so is having a stroke, she has slight deafness, but we are all mumbling!

Anyway, she tells me what to do the whole time, hates her life, hates her 'friends' (she hardly has any), hates her neighbours. She told me all this today at the end of another awful trip to the shops. I can see that she is just a pathetic old woman, and I try to be compassionate, but wow, she drives me nuts! Example - drive to the library, where there is an ambulance set down point. "You can park here and come with me", no, I can't actually, "why do you argue all the time?", err, because it's for ambulances. "My taxi driver parks here" No, he waits here for you, in the car. I cannot park here. So, now we are all huffy, and it just escalates every single time, into "you treat me like a child". I am so frustrated and now guilty as well. We went up the high street, and it's moan, moan the whole time. I really do try to cheer her up, but everything is wrong. Never mind what I do for her. So then, when we get back home, she asks if I am coming in, "just for a second". I know it won't be a second, it will be a full hour and half, and I just cannot sit and listen to it any more. So, I say no, so she gets out and slams the door. It's like this every week.

I have told her that when she gets miserable there is no need to be mean to me, but she just shrugs. Anyway, sorry for the rant, just want to get it off my chest!

I used to work with people with dementia. 9 hours a day I was the most patient,kindest most sympathetic person alive.

When those with capacity would compliment me on the above I used to joke "you should see me at home,"

I couldn't have put up with my own mother for 5 minutes. I was bloody good at my job though.

I think OP is using the word "pathetic" in its original meaning, that is, "inspiring pity due to vulnerability".

Rather than the more colloquial meaning of "inadequate, miserable".

I know about this as dh and I used to have miscommunication as we were using the word in different ways!

OP well done for sticking with your mum despite how hard it is for you. It sounds like all her angst is focused on you, as you are the only one left. It's not your fault.

And it's ok to be honest about how you feel.

Hi worldsworstcook, I wondered what happened there, however, I was able to read your message before deletion! Thankyou.
ilikecheeseycrackers - Yes, it seems that 'pathetic' is lost in translation. I took it to mean 'arousing sympathy and compassion, inspiring empathy'. Which is what is says in the dictionary (I think). I don't know why people think it is derogatory at all. Why would so many of you automatically jump to the conclusion that I don't love and pity her? Hmmm, interesting really. If you said 'how pathetic' when you saw for example a rain soaked kitten, would everyone say 'don't be so mean' and swear at you? I think not.

If you said 'how pathetic' when you saw for example a rain soaked kitten, would everyone say 'don't be so mean' and swear at you? I think not.

I wouldn't call a rain soaked kitten pathetic, and don't know anyone who would tbh.

trendy1 I hear you. I was a carer for my mum for years too.

Another message of support here Trendy. It sounds like you are doing an incredible job in very difficult circumstances.
My Mum is much younger and not nearly so draining but, like you, I took on a sense of responsibility for her after her divorce (I was about 7 and vividly remember the crying in bed too. Heartbreaking). This dynamic has affected my life in many ways. Am now, in my mid 40s, seeing a fabulous counsellor who is helping me unpick it all, understand what is happening and I am slowly learning to set more appropriate boundaries with my DM which is incredibly helpful. Is this something you could look into? If nothing else, it is great to have someone to offload to on a regular basis who just lets you talk, listens deeply and never, ever judges.

For what it's worth I completely understood the use of 'pathetic' in your initial post and yes, would use it to describe a bedraggled kitten because 'inspiring sympathy' is exactly the state it describes. Agree that it is this misunderstanding that probably sparked a lot of the unsupportive posts
More from me

Just a couple of thoughts

I get you. I feel like this about my mum. Not because i dont love her but just because every moan grates. Like the cuts of a thousand knives. And because she has put no effort into a social life so has no friends so therefore i am all she has. I am on of 3, one emigrated and the other stage manages a fall out everytime action is required.
The other thing is what i observed when my grandmother was v elderly. She was lovely to everybody else so prob best not comparing with those you see at work.

pathetic
pəˈθɛtɪk/Submit
adjective
1.
arousing pity, especially through vulnerability or sadness.
"she looked so pathetic that I bent down to comfort her"
synonyms: pitiful, pitiable, piteous, to be pitied, moving, touching, poignant, plaintive, stirring; More
2.
informal
miserably inadequate.
"he's a pathetic excuse for a man"

OP was using the word as described in the first example. It was entire correct. Any confusion is the fault of the reader NOT the OP.

Hear hear mousemousse!

Thanks Moussemoose, that is it EXACTLY!
AJPTaylor - yes, that is interesting. I saw the daughter of a favourite client of mine in the supermarket. She said her mum (92) drove her mad, but that person is one of my most lovely friends ever. She said would I go and have coffee soon, which I did. However, isn't it weird that neither of us find our own mums easy!

I'd love to see the bitchy posters walk a mile in your shoes op.
It sounds like you are doing a good job with your Mum.
Nothing constructive to add, just wishing you well in all this.

And I meant to say that lots of people don't seem to know that pathetic means engendering pity by being vulnerable.

Interesting thread. You have my sympathy, op. Mil is very similar. Has been since I've known her and she was early 60's. The relentless negativity is exhausting. Nothing makes her happy for long, or is ever enough. She's critical and judgmental of others.

I find the assumption that people will pander to her and general entitlement perplexing. I've been a single parent for years and am extremely independent- I'm really grateful when others do anything at all to help me and I'd never expect it.

I hope I'll be the same when I'm older. I haven't had dcs for them to become my carers. I'd like them to want to visit, not feel obligated. What you're doing sounds really thoughtful and I hope it's appreciated.