My mum and I keep arguing now she is old.

[Trendy1]

I am really going to try to keep this short, but this has been going on for years.

My mum is 83, but you would think she was 93 the way she behaves. She has been divorced for about 35 years. I have a brother who visits about every six months (it's only a one hour journey). So, I am left holding the baby. I work with older people and I am shocked at how incapable she behaves at her age. Many people I know have many, many harder lives than her, but you wouldn't think so. Since she had cataracts done last year, she hasn't driven, so she relies on me or taxis to get about ( work part time, two young adults at home and DH). She is perfectly fit, but stoops and shuffles, I am worried she will fall over, because of this. DH says she is putting it on. She is definitely putting some of it on, because when she needs to she walks ok. She has a bit of glaucoma, but is half blind, she has slight blood pressure, so is having a stroke, she has slight deafness, but we are all mumbling!

Anyway, she tells me what to do the whole time, hates her life, hates her 'friends' (she hardly has any), hates her neighbours. She told me all this today at the end of another awful trip to the shops. I can see that she is just a pathetic old woman, and I try to be compassionate, but wow, she drives me nuts! Example - drive to the library, where there is an ambulance set down point. "You can park here and come with me", no, I can't actually, "why do you argue all the time?", err, because it's for ambulances. "My taxi driver parks here" No, he waits here for you, in the car. I cannot park here. So, now we are all huffy, and it just escalates every single time, into "you treat me like a child". I am so frustrated and now guilty as well. We went up the high street, and it's moan, moan the whole time. I really do try to cheer her up, but everything is wrong. Never mind what I do for her. So then, when we get back home, she asks if I am coming in, "just for a second". I know it won't be a second, it will be a full hour and half, and I just cannot sit and listen to it any more. So, I say no, so she gets out and slams the door. It's like this every week.

I have told her that when she gets miserable there is no need to be mean to me, but she just shrugs. Anyway, sorry for the rant, just want to get it off my chest!

I sympathise OP. My mother has 'dementor' tenancies. She can literally suck the joy out of anything. It is exhausting. My mum is 20 years younger than yours but constantly talking about getting old, so I can only imagine what she will be like at 83.

You have choices though. You don't have to spend so much time with her, as hard as it is, you need to decide how much time you are prepared to give and that's it. We all have a responsibility for ourselves, and that includes the elderly. No one can rely on one person to be their everything.

And give that brother of yours a talking to. It's time he stepped up.

HazySpring, thanks. She has always been a bit negative, and very controlling regarding my family. DH is totally supportive, helps do her maintenance, etc, but doesn't really stop to chat any more. She would spoil outings when she didn't get her own way, ie, eat in a posh cafe or something when I had a picnic for the kids, that sort of thing. She would go all frosty until a few days had passed. We stopped asking her out. I felt guilty and made sure no one told her we had gone without her. One thing of interest is that we lived together just usfor about 10 years after my brother left, did everything together, she had my full attention. I think she may be jealous of me. I am very positive and social with a lot of friends.

You sounds just like me - down to the siblings who won't help!

It's awful. I do dislike my mother. I cry every time I've spent time with her (twice a week) from frustration and taking on her misery. We call her the dementia as she sucks any joy from the room... likewise divorced and has no friends!

I have no suggestions. It's awful. I've also paid for therapy for her and written heartfelt letters trying to explain how her behaviour affects people.

Unfortunately I think as others have said it may be a personality disorder.

Not much you can do except try not to go mad and be glad that you have skills she doesn't have: love, empathy and a caring nature. X

*dementor!

I hear you. And the pp who said:

You cannot help anyone who ultimately does not want to be helped.

Is absolutely spot on. But it's draining as hell. Can you take a step back? Be less available for her. I know it sounds awful, but sometimes that's what it takes to make people appreciate what you actually do do for them.....

'I think she may be jealous of me'

I think you're spot on. It's a horrible feeling when your own mother can't see you as a separate person and be happy for you, at least some of the time.

I really feel for you Trendy1. I am in a very similar situation.

The never ending negativity, crying out in pain when she moves (but only if I'm in the room), general nastiness about everyone (I dread to think what she says about me) and total lack of interest in anything other than her own woes.

I work full time with a crappy commute and if I go a couple of days without visiting I get the quavery voice phone call starting with ''remember me?'. She can't even hear what I'm saying on the phone (her hearing aids are worthy of a whole thread in themselves).

After visiting I often get in my car and cry.

and more . No words of wisdom except I understand as I have the t-shirt. It's hard and very difficult to speak about how difficult it is to anyone.

'After visiting I often get in my car and cry.'

That's so sad. This kind of behaviour from a parent really really hurts, and it's so incredibly draining. Absolutely nothing that you do is right or enough. It's so very unfair for people to rely on their children to this extent, and so many people just don't get it. I hear you. It's shit x

You are getting a hard time here Trendy1 - I think its mostly to do with your assertion that 83 isn't that old, but your following posts have clarified that it's more to do with outlook rather than anything else.

Your DB sounds like a waste of space and at the very least I'd refuse to make special visits to allow your DM to roll out the red carpet for his infrequent visits.

is it worth contacting Age Concern for suggestions, my friends DM uses local dial up buses to get around that can be organised. I'm a bit bloody minded so I'd be tempted to drive her to one of the social get togethers and tell her she has to go to it. Really I can see that you don't want to drop frequency of visits unless she has some other network to speak to, so I guess I'd try to focus on making that happen - would also presumably make her a bit happier if she has other people to speak to.

Oh, it is so helpful hearing that I am not the only one. I want to cry too sometimes after visiting. It's all wrapped up in guilt that my Dad left her ( I was one), I really tried to make her happy when I was a kid, it hurt so much listening to her cry in bed at night. I truly don't think that 83 is old now. She has no health issues other than glaucoma and high blood pressure. There is no reason at all that she could not go out more, but I go round at 4pm she is in her dressing gown, curtains closed. Okay, my experience may be limited, but I know many over 80's who absolutely live life to the full.

Thanks everyone. I think there is no more to be said here. I will post in the elderly parents thread next time!

You don't sound horrible to me either, you sound as though you've had a fucking gut full...which sounds totally understandable. You are not obliged to do any of the caring at all, so anything you do is a bonus. Whether she sees it that way is not your problem. I think you need to take care of yourself and draw some very strong boundaries. Not everyone is a delight and you are not obliged to put up with that from anyone. Can you set up extra outside care for her so that you are not doing everything?

Gosh - I am glad that you are not my DD!!!

I am 69 - a LOT younger than your Mum; and I can understand where she is coming from. When you get into late middle age people find that things start to go wrong, and it does shake your faith in life. You have taken your health and well-being for granted for decades and suddenly you are faced with uncertainties that you had not predicted.

I have: osteoarthritis in both hips (one has been replaced - not very successfully); cataracts developing; migraines; osteoporosis in my back; a fractured foot; moments when words that I want to say seem to have floated away etc. etc. Nothing out of the ordinary for my age; but none of it life-enhancing.

My life is very full and relatively happy (although I care for a sick husband) and I hope I am not about to fall off my perch yet - but it is a challenging phase of life, as you will one day discover (I hope!!) - so do not judge your Mum too harshly. I know I did with my Mum, and regret it now. One thing that happens as you get older is that often your life contracts a bit, and small things near at home assume a greater importance in your mind. And that can be irritating to younger folk around you who cannot understand what is happening.

Take a deep breath and give all this some thought. I hope that letting of steam here has helped you and that there have been things to learn here that might help you.

We cannot all be David Attenborough - he is the exception!

I think you are heroic Trendy, despite all that you still spend time with her. I wouldn't. Or I would make sure it was as short as possible.

Haha, Teebee, you made me laugh! Which is a miracle on this forum!

I wouldn't want to be your DD Mishappening! So don't worry!

I am going to shops for her tomorrow, taking her to Garden Centre on Friday, and hospital appointment next week. I suppose you don't want any of that either Mishappening?

TBH I think you should limit the time you spend with her. Decide how much time you can spend with her successfully and positively and limit your time to that only. I know she will give you a bit of grief over it, because she is sad - that is why she behaves like this. She is sad and frightened and knows the best has passed and the future is uncertain. Just as our children can be pictures of virtue in school, then give us hell when they come home; so elderly people (she is elderly - honestly!) do the same with those they love and trust. They put on a good face outside, then let go at home. She can't prretend to feel well all the time - too much of a strain.

It is better to see less of her than to have these resentments building up.

Please forgive her for shuffling and stooping - I know she is irritating you - but she is 83! And - to put it bluntly - she may die soon; and you need to have one eye on the future and think about your own emotional health when she is gone. You will probably feel better if you know you did your best - which I am sure you are doing.

Some o the things you said in your OP do come across as a bit over-judgmental - but I assume this is due to sheer frustration. I hope you can find a way through this.

Agree FaFoutis, if it was my mother I would just detach and let her get on with it. Trendy is doing everything and just offloading. Those giving her a hard time I don't think are seeing that.

Please feel free to sound off in my direction! - I can take it!!!

Well at least I am laughing now, which I didn't imagine this morning.

And it's so funny being called Trendy, which was my nickname at school, plus it's late enough now for a glass of wine, and I am nearly happy!

Op can you get your Mum a visitor from the local church or from a befriending scheme for the elderly? We have a few things like this round here. Just tell her that shes having one,dont let her say no, she will like the person hopefully and enjoy the company.
Mentally write your brother off now, hes not worth the headspace. I have something similar with my Mum. Her brother who lives a 30 minute drive away has seen her less than 5 x in 20 years. I will never engage with them again.People like this are beyond awful.

Great post Mishappening. That is the reality.

Thanks Rudgie, these ideas of befriending are all good things, but what happens is, IF I can get her to do one, she will go maybe once or twice, then say "oh, i don't like her, or her", and never go again. I am somewhat resigned to being her only point of activity, and TBH i do have the time. it's just that it would be really nice if she could appreciate what I do, and not take the frustration of being lonely out on me.

PS, she doesn't need care. She is TOTALLY able to cook and clean, etc. She would die laughing if I arranged so much as a cleaner (!? Hmm!) This is what is so frustrating.