My mum and I keep arguing now she is old.

[Trendy1]

I am really going to try to keep this short, but this has been going on for years.

My mum is 83, but you would think she was 93 the way she behaves. She has been divorced for about 35 years. I have a brother who visits about every six months (it's only a one hour journey). So, I am left holding the baby. I work with older people and I am shocked at how incapable she behaves at her age. Many people I know have many, many harder lives than her, but you wouldn't think so. Since she had cataracts done last year, she hasn't driven, so she relies on me or taxis to get about ( work part time, two young adults at home and DH). She is perfectly fit, but stoops and shuffles, I am worried she will fall over, because of this. DH says she is putting it on. She is definitely putting some of it on, because when she needs to she walks ok. She has a bit of glaucoma, but is half blind, she has slight blood pressure, so is having a stroke, she has slight deafness, but we are all mumbling!

Anyway, she tells me what to do the whole time, hates her life, hates her 'friends' (she hardly has any), hates her neighbours. She told me all this today at the end of another awful trip to the shops. I can see that she is just a pathetic old woman, and I try to be compassionate, but wow, she drives me nuts! Example - drive to the library, where there is an ambulance set down point. "You can park here and come with me", no, I can't actually, "why do you argue all the time?", err, because it's for ambulances. "My taxi driver parks here" No, he waits here for you, in the car. I cannot park here. So, now we are all huffy, and it just escalates every single time, into "you treat me like a child". I am so frustrated and now guilty as well. We went up the high street, and it's moan, moan the whole time. I really do try to cheer her up, but everything is wrong. Never mind what I do for her. So then, when we get back home, she asks if I am coming in, "just for a second". I know it won't be a second, it will be a full hour and half, and I just cannot sit and listen to it any more. So, I say no, so she gets out and slams the door. It's like this every week.

I have told her that when she gets miserable there is no need to be mean to me, but she just shrugs. Anyway, sorry for the rant, just want to get it off my chest!

Yes, I do resent my brother. He came for a Christmas visit yesterday, no presents, and it's February!! Ridiculous!

I don't really think she is in need of a carer as such, she still does all her own cooking and washing herself, etc.

If I presented her with a fait accompli like you say, she would go mental, and then I would never hear the end of it. She probably wouldn't go through the door. I realise that I just have to press on, and in truth, I do have plenty of time for her to do the jobs and the visits, but it is so soul destroying.

What the hell is your brother doing, he needs a bollocking. Why should you do everything. It sounds like you're not coping and omits depressing you. Are their any support options available.

OP as someone who works with old people what does your experience tell you is going on here?

As you are probably aware depression can herald a dementia but I'm not sure if you are suggesting that this actually is her normal.

The truth is that not all older people are lovely and even if they are the realities of ageing can be grim. It's not hard to sympathise and empathise and yet... you seem to be getting the brunt of it.

You don't have to pretend it's fine. It's not. And as someone who tried that route and became ill as a result I really would avoid it.

My advice would be to manage DM in chunks, and balance it with doing things you actually want to do. And do keep venting here. Posters who are judging you don't know how lucky they are

Thank so much, I'm feeling a bit better now. In fact, I'm about to take her round her favourite chocolate, cos she forgot it at the shops. That's how mean I am!

Butteredparsnips, I am a gardener. Most of my clients are 80-95. I have made friends with some and tomorrow I am taking one to see the snowdrops at a church garden. All of them are polite, kind, refreshing and positive. My mother is jealous of this and is bitchy about them, so I keep it from her that I do this sort of thing.

What it tells me though, is that you can choose your friends but not your family?! No seriously, it tells me that she is old and afraid. And that is okay, I get that. But it's just so draining, that's all.

Ah yes
My mum HATES that I do voluntary work 😁 constantly telling me to give it up
It's very sad
My mum is now a bitter nasty woman

Omg I feel your pain and need to vent. Anyone who has been a carer and resents that others aren’t stepping up will be able to relate to your frustration, especially if they’ve always been difficult and it get worse.

You know you need a thicker skin and to vent away from her. It might be beneficial to join a carers support group as it’s very different being emotionally removed as a paid carer.

seem even more appropriate now!

I think you need to suck it up and look after her with respect,dignity and kindness. She's 83 she will not be here for ever. You may have seen "worse" in your line of work but you don't truly know her aches and pains. Please be kinder to her and love her unconditionally or you will regret it as my mother did! Also you might want to set a standard to your kids for when you are old 😉

Op...seriously...get over to the elderly parents support thread
Lovely people who will totally get it and offer suggestions or just a listening ear
X

Another voice of support OP. Your mother sounds very similar to my MIL. She's miserable, negative, nasty, sends DP on guilt trips constantly and does absolutely nothing to take care of herself and it is BEYOND draining. There may well be some saintly people who can cope with all this without complaining but I am not one of them.

So I hear you. It's incredibly tough. I don't have tons of advice I'm afraid but as Attila said, it's not your responsibility to make your mother happy. I hope that things get better for you x

Why do some people persist with the frankly stupid notion that all elderly and otherwise physically now frail people are nice and kind?. They are not, such people when younger were awful as well.

I think Trendy1 has treated her difficult and ungrateful mother with respect even though it has been undeserved.

And no you do not have to suck it up. You still have a choice here.

Op, as mrsreynolds says. Come over to the elderly parents board where you will find many of us facing similar challenges and will not judge or criticise and will offer sympathy, wisdom, and wine and chocolate as required. And there is plenty of experience of the s£&@ siblings who waft in and out........

I actually started a group at a local church after my dad died with the idea mum might help me run it HA!! or go herself for some companionship HA!!
the group has gone from strength to strength and my mother has never been

I second the elderly parents support thread. Much help there. Please ignore the unhelpful posts. We are not dealing with parents with dementia (that comes with it’s own stresses and pains) but with parents who have been like this for all of our lives. We have constantly struggled to be the best for them only to be tossed aside and made to feel less of ourselves. We have been obligated to look after them through manipulation and guilt and it is bloody hard to break this cycle.
I am so sorry you are going through this as well.

This sounds a lot like my Mum and Grandmother’s dynamic. Grandma was narcissistic and it was very draining on my Mum. My Mum actually had to hide her calendar because if my Grandma saw what shifts she was working, Grandma would ring her every day off asking what they were doing that day! Things only changed when my Mum got ill and she couldn’t do things for Grandma any more.

I would suggest dragging your Mum to the GP for a check up. My Dad was shuffley at times but not always, seemed older than his years. He was also becoming quite withdrawn and low in mood. Turned out he has Parkinson’s disease and is much better now he’s on medication. In your field you’ll know there could be a variety of things going on, it’s worth getting her checked over.

My mum has been like that since her forties, I find it easier now she is old. Thirty years ago her wails of "I won't be around much longer" really upset teenage me but now it may be true, not just drama, so I find it easier to cope with

Some people on MN have been lucky enough to only have experience of mums who are lovely and kind and giving. Unfortunately, some mums are a pain in the arse, and those of us who have mums like that are quite justified to moan about them.

My own DM tells me herself that she puts on the stupid pathetic old lady act to get other people to do things for her, and then wonders why I don't have much sympathy when she puts the act on for me.

And like mrsreynolds I am also the one who will end up looking after her in old age while her golden boy son will refuse saying its too boring, just like he did when DF got dementia

You do NOT sound horrid.
You sound like you have to take the whole load.
With no help.
And it's exhausting.
And it's all negative.
And I can see why you hate it all.
Anyone would.
I don't care what people on here say. This would have anyone wanting to tear their hair out.
My DMum has Alzheimer's. My DDad is around to look after her but when I look after her to give him a break, for just a few hours, it's exhausting.

You rant away OP. And ignore the negative people who have no idea what your day to day looks like.
I have no advice on how to tackle it.
But here are some from me as I understand what it's like!

Faith makes a good point about condsidering Parkinson's.

DF became very shuffley, and as he had previously had a stroke it was blamed on that for ages. Once Parkinson's was finally diagnosed and he was put on medication his mobility improved dramatically. Unfortunately his dementia was quite bad by then and it just meant he wandered off and got lost more often. I do regret it wasn't picked up earlier when it would have made a bigger difference to his quality of life

My mother is nearly 81. She does have a habit of telling me what to do and sounding patronising, but I try to put up with it. Life is no joke when you are that age and suffering from poor health. She sounds lonely and depressed. Try to see things from her point of view and have some compassion. She wants you to come in because she wants the company. It might be helpful if you gently said to her 'Mum, I appreciate things are difficult for you at times, but can we try and keep the conversation positive, and look at the good things, as it gets me down a bit'. I pointed out to my mother that she is constantly complaining about the news, doom and gloom, how fat people are... etc etc. She actually saw my point and has stopped doing it. It's a symptom she is struggling to cope and feeling down. You don't sound very nice, and your brother should be doing a lot more.

You have my sympathy op, the truth is people rarely change, so someone nasty, unpleasant and bitter as a young mother will be the same if not worse when older. People who are lucky enough to have encouraging, supportive, mother's will never get this.

You are doing tonnes for her, try and mentally disengage from the nastiness.

Good luck

My mother needs a fairly serious op
Refuses so she limps everywhere - can't walk far now - poss life threatening too but I'm not allowed to mention that
She needs anti depressants (has been clinically depressed for as long as I can remember)
Refuses so she doesnt sleep well and in unhappy all the time
She has given my siblings £1000s so is now pleading poverty
I may well be horrid and awful....
But I'm the one who deals with it ALL
So I will continue to point out that my mother is a bitter old cow
But I will look after her to the best of my ability for as long as I can

I hope you're OK OP, this probably hasn't helped very much xx

I'm another one with you OP, at 70 my DM's behaviour and slobby lifestyle is already leading to concerned calls from friends and relatives. She is incredibly defensive and bans you from the house when you challenge her about the mess and yet, despite refusing to sign a power of attorney, she will expect serious support. My MIL is already saying she wants to die at 65 and I don't want the two of them to ruin the next 30 years. You reap what you sow in my opinion.

I'm sorry OP you got such vile and judgmental responses to begin with . Your post is actually quite interesting and probably hits a nerve for many ; it sounds a hard thing to deal with.

One thing you haven't mentioned though, unless I have missed something. That is how long has she been like this, or have things just got a lot worse recently? Has your relationship been good in the past? Its probably too late now with this thread to salvage any helpful advice or insights for yourself, but I hope you find a way to improve things.

I can completely sympathise, my mum is a difficult character too, she can suck the joy out of you in seconds. Everything is negative and everything depresses her. She has always been like it and has no friends at all as she finds fault in everyone. I live 130miles away yet take her shopping once a week my brother lives 8 miles away and finds time to visit if he wants money. Unless people have experience of this kind of thing they literally have no idea how awful it can be to deal with.