My mum and I keep arguing now she is old.

[Trendy1]

I am really going to try to keep this short, but this has been going on for years.

My mum is 83, but you would think she was 93 the way she behaves. She has been divorced for about 35 years. I have a brother who visits about every six months (it's only a one hour journey). So, I am left holding the baby. I work with older people and I am shocked at how incapable she behaves at her age. Many people I know have many, many harder lives than her, but you wouldn't think so. Since she had cataracts done last year, she hasn't driven, so she relies on me or taxis to get about ( work part time, two young adults at home and DH). She is perfectly fit, but stoops and shuffles, I am worried she will fall over, because of this. DH says she is putting it on. She is definitely putting some of it on, because when she needs to she walks ok. She has a bit of glaucoma, but is half blind, she has slight blood pressure, so is having a stroke, she has slight deafness, but we are all mumbling!

Anyway, she tells me what to do the whole time, hates her life, hates her 'friends' (she hardly has any), hates her neighbours. She told me all this today at the end of another awful trip to the shops. I can see that she is just a pathetic old woman, and I try to be compassionate, but wow, she drives me nuts! Example - drive to the library, where there is an ambulance set down point. "You can park here and come with me", no, I can't actually, "why do you argue all the time?", err, because it's for ambulances. "My taxi driver parks here" No, he waits here for you, in the car. I cannot park here. So, now we are all huffy, and it just escalates every single time, into "you treat me like a child". I am so frustrated and now guilty as well. We went up the high street, and it's moan, moan the whole time. I really do try to cheer her up, but everything is wrong. Never mind what I do for her. So then, when we get back home, she asks if I am coming in, "just for a second". I know it won't be a second, it will be a full hour and half, and I just cannot sit and listen to it any more. So, I say no, so she gets out and slams the door. It's like this every week.

I have told her that when she gets miserable there is no need to be mean to me, but she just shrugs. Anyway, sorry for the rant, just want to get it off my chest!

I'm shocked by how unsupportive and nasty the first few posters are. The bottom line is that you are the one who faces the brunt of her moods and negativity. And yet, you still support her and take her out. for you. Your brother is an arse, and gets her nice moments and cake.
He needs to step up more, but I imagine he won't.
My Mum & mother in law are both 75 & in poor health. DH and I are the ones running round the country after them. They both live 2 hours from us in opposite directions. Our siblings are useless, absent and favoured too. I love my Mum but she's utterly hard work and the relentless negativity means it's often hard to remember the great fun, creative person she used to be. I can honestly say that I will miss her so much when she's gone but 99% of what I'll miss is gone already.

my first memory ever was of me asking my Dad why my Mum was 'cross all the time'.

Yes, why was she "cross" the whole time and why did she not seek or was importantly able to access the necessary help?. Did your Dad leave because of this crossness?. Unfortunately doing that simply left you and your sibling with her.

You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped, you can only help your own self here.

An untreated and untreatable personality disorder may be the root cause rather than dementia. That cannot be ruled out.

PipGirl404, have you read any of my posts fully? She is negative, complains about everything, hates everyone and everything, won't accept my help - won't even take my arm to cross the road - can you imagine how that makes me feel? This is just the culmination of a life of never, ever having had a miniscule amount of praise for anything I ever did, and well, excuse me for trying to seek a little bit of support from this well known forum, which I have never had from my brother or dad or any family member, because SHE HAS DRIVEN THEM ALL AWAY.

I saw this on Pinterest the other day...

^my dead girl, the day you see im getting old, I ask you please me patient, but most of all understand what I am going through.

If we talk and I say the same thing, don't interrupt to say "you said the same thing a minute ago" ... Just listen please. Try to remember the times I read you a story over and over again until you'd fall asleep.

When I don't want to take a bath don't get mad and don't embarrass me. Remember when I had to chase you to get you washed when you were just a girl?

If occasionally I lose track of what we're talking about, give me time to Remember, and if I don't, dont be nervous, impatient or arrogant. Just know in your heart that the most important thing is just being with you.

And when my old tired legs don't move as quick as they used to, give me your hand the same way I offered mine when you took your first steps.

When those days come don't feel sad, just be with me and understand me while I get to the end of my life with love.^

I hope with all my heart that my son never has the feelings that you have towards me.

Oooops! Should be my dear girl! Bloody phone

and yes, I am sad, I am very sad, and now I am crying,

HAPPY?

Hugs. I’m sure you’re doing everything you can. I get where you’re coming from, caring for the frail elderly can be very hard.
Don’t take it personally- mumsnet is not a supportive place any more, AIBU is a place where people like to put the knife in. Maybe it makes them feel better about themselves, I don’t know.
All the best x

I do understand you a bit. My DM is 76, full-time carer for my DF who is very ill & wheelchair bound. Despite this she's energetic & has outside interests (does exercise classes & sees friends)

My MIL is 71, is well apart from T2 Diabetes, but she's almost house bound through her own choices! She's 'not able' for anything, spends 14 hours a day in bed, and is so relentlessly negative that I find it really difficult to cope with her. She bitches constantly about neighbours and old acquaintances, things that happened 30 years ago.

Some people are hard to deal with. Unfortunately there's little chance your DM will change now. You'll have to develop some kind of strategy or response that placates her. I do lots of 'mm-hmm' and 'really?' with mine. If she gets especially vicious I've developed a code of sorts- my late FIL used to say 'now missus can't you be nice?' in a jokey way so I trot that out. If she persists I make excuses and leave.

It's not as difficult as she's my MIL not my Mum. Less emotional stuff there, but I see her A LOT. You just have to develop a negativity raincoat!

I really feel for you Trendy. Basically you are the only who stuck around so now you are her only meaningful interaction. If she's depressed it's hardly surprising you end up with an earful every time you see her, she has nobody else to offload to. So the visits are sucking the joy out of you but you will never be able to give enough time to make her happy.

Does she have any support from a care worker? Will your kids go and visit occasionally? Can you talk to your brother to see if he can visit more frequently? I don't really have any useful suggestions but I sympathise, it's a shit situation.

Can you go to your own gp and ask them about carers support available for you?

You might not be able to change your mum or her situation but you might find done support to help you cope better x

Trendy, I am sorry you are being given such a rough time on here. For what it's worth I understand completely and had the very same problems with my mother for many years. You haven't said but I expect your brother can do no wrong. If you need to offload without the flack PM me. I promise to always listen. For those of you who are so judgmental please be careful. There is an enormous amount of guilt anyway in this sort of relationship. My mother, and the stress of looking after, her nearly destroyed me. Comments like some on here would have tipped me over the edge.

Thanks people, no no, last time I asked brother to come down and visit I was sworn at down the phone, lots of nasty stuff, "I'll f ing come down when I want." My kids won't go there, although they did for a very long time, when I thought they would finally stop, they kept going for a while, but she has worn them down too. She isn't on their wavelength, and when I realised they were growing up, I tried to get them all together, but it didn't work.

Pathetic old woman?

You are awful.

OP you are NOT awful and don’t listen to the people that are saying this. Being a carer to a difficult parent is really challenging and can completely get you down. You’re doing an amazing job for your Mum by continuing to help her so much despite how mentally exhausting it is for you.

I totally understand op....
And my mum is only 71!
I would suggest going over to the elderly parents support thread
Some of the replies you've had on here are awful

My mother dislikes me

Always has

I don't love her - she killed that long ago

But I'm the one that's there if needed 24/7

I'm the one she asked to be her executor and POA...not my golden boy brother

It would be lovely to have a loving relationship with my mother
But it's simply never been there and never will be now

Judge away!!

By the way, I'm horrified at some of the responses upthread.

Dear OP, those of us who have gone through the desperately sad, soul-destroying, thankless, lonely task of actually caring for and trying to rescue a difficult, much-loved elderly parent, understand and empathise with your frustration and feelings of sorrow and helplessness. Lots of people "go NC" with a difficult parent, or have a polite, three-times-a-year relationship with an annoying parent. You have been there through thick and thin, taking her to therapy, trying to get her to do things, hoping she will make an effort with friends, doing the shopping. it is bloody hard and thankless work, which you keep doing because you don't want to give up on her. You are doing a wonderful thing, and you are doing it because it is the right thing to do, even though no one will appreciate your dedication.

Actually, that isn't true, your kids may well be watching and learning from you about how to stick with family members as they get old and crotchety!

She sounds like she's been hard work all her life and you've always been there for her. Despite that, she's the opposite of grateful. I can't imagine how draining it can be.

I've no advice because I doubt she'll change now, so I think you'll just have to carry on grinning and bearing it. Can you bring her round to your house?

OP the people who are saying nasty things to you are the people who have no experience of what you're going through.

Interestingly MN is hugely supportive of people who go NC with "narcissistic abusive" mothers when they're younger. But as soon as someone is old, it seems to bring our the "all old people are lovely" side of some people.

Oh no, poor you. It sounds like she's always been difficult and that must have been tough when you were young too!

As someone else mentioned most people don't mellow and become sweet older people as they age!

I hope with all my heart Youaremysunshire2017, that you never treat your son like my mum treats me. I have extended my hand to my mum, and keep getting rebuffed. Are you reading the whole thread?

OP ignore the ones who saying horrible things. It's easy from them to judge you without ever being in your situation.

I feel sorry for you, you are in a no win situation, as your brother next to useless.

I wonder is it time for you to thing of other means of care for her, either in home care or a old people home whether she wants to or not. You need find a balance that you can live with if that only going to hers once a week so you can get a break between working, looking after your home and family and getting some time for yourself.

Being pretty much sole company and support for an elderly relative is hard.

You also sound like you resent your brother for not pulling his weight. That's understandable, I think.

Only thing you can do is try and remember that your mum is old and has limited time left. Put some boundaries in place and try to let it run off you when she starts moaning.

It's not an easy job. Stay strong and look after yourself too.

It sounds like it is hard for you and that your DM is being quite demanding of your time without acknowledging that you have other commitments also.

It does sound like you don't respect her terribly, but your later post also indicates that she has always been somewhat this way so that may explain it a bit too.

Set limits for your DM - "yes I can come to the library and do the shopping, but I am only available from 10.30 until 12.30 so I will have to leave then". Or "I can come on Tuesday to do shopping, and Friday afternoon I can bring a cake for a nice coffee and chat, but I am very busy this week otherwise". If you know a time coming up that you can give a big outing or bring her to dinner in your house or similar, something she can look forward to, let her know that as part of being less available. And do let her know about other things you have on - make her aware that you are not just at her beck and call but that you DO have serious other responsibilities to take care of also.

It's hard if she won't engage with suggestions - but would she go along if you didn't say where you were going one day on an outing and turned up at a social group or other activity you think might be useful for her? Just say nothing and present her with a fait accompli?

Definitely you need to talk to your DB about the burden of caring, and get him on board with the problem of caring for your DM. You need more support. You are not necessarily asking him to do more himself (although really he should visit more often!), but you need to agree a strategy between you on how to handle it. So looking at social workers/GP etc doing an elderly assessment to see what supports they can offer her, looking at the cost and practicalities of paid care like a cleaner or other companionship, are there meals on wheels etc locally (or does she not need that yet - but you may need to know about them for a point in the future), all that sort of thing.

Perhaps your DB could do other things in the background, like arranging online food shopping or doing some of the searching for support etc, rather than necessarily getting involved personally with bringing her shopping or keeping her company (or doing the little jobs of maintenance or whatever).