My mum and I keep arguing now she is old.

[Trendy1]

I am really going to try to keep this short, but this has been going on for years.

My mum is 83, but you would think she was 93 the way she behaves. She has been divorced for about 35 years. I have a brother who visits about every six months (it's only a one hour journey). So, I am left holding the baby. I work with older people and I am shocked at how incapable she behaves at her age. Many people I know have many, many harder lives than her, but you wouldn't think so. Since she had cataracts done last year, she hasn't driven, so she relies on me or taxis to get about ( work part time, two young adults at home and DH). She is perfectly fit, but stoops and shuffles, I am worried she will fall over, because of this. DH says she is putting it on. She is definitely putting some of it on, because when she needs to she walks ok. She has a bit of glaucoma, but is half blind, she has slight blood pressure, so is having a stroke, she has slight deafness, but we are all mumbling!

Anyway, she tells me what to do the whole time, hates her life, hates her 'friends' (she hardly has any), hates her neighbours. She told me all this today at the end of another awful trip to the shops. I can see that she is just a pathetic old woman, and I try to be compassionate, but wow, she drives me nuts! Example - drive to the library, where there is an ambulance set down point. "You can park here and come with me", no, I can't actually, "why do you argue all the time?", err, because it's for ambulances. "My taxi driver parks here" No, he waits here for you, in the car. I cannot park here. So, now we are all huffy, and it just escalates every single time, into "you treat me like a child". I am so frustrated and now guilty as well. We went up the high street, and it's moan, moan the whole time. I really do try to cheer her up, but everything is wrong. Never mind what I do for her. So then, when we get back home, she asks if I am coming in, "just for a second". I know it won't be a second, it will be a full hour and half, and I just cannot sit and listen to it any more. So, I say no, so she gets out and slams the door. It's like this every week.

I have told her that when she gets miserable there is no need to be mean to me, but she just shrugs. Anyway, sorry for the rant, just want to get it off my chest!

You can get some nice Jehovah's Witness people to visit her if you fill in the form on their website.

Ooooo, I have some JW friends BTW! Very nice peps.

And they would not have judged me either.

OP, I'm going to support you -- I know EXACTLY what you're going through as very similar things happened with my mother. Our relationship from her mid-70s really deteriorated to the point we had screaming rows (something that had never happened before) because, although I didn't know it, she was in the early stages of dementia and was increasingly irrational. And odd.
It was incredibly hard to cope with, and also hard to accept -- she was my mum and I loved her but she was changing and I didn't want her to be like this.

Physically she was fairly fit and active, but became more and more deaf (which she did not accept at all) and had rows with her neighbours as she had her radio and TV on so loud.
She then fired her lovely, invaluable cleaner of over 20 years standing as she 'couldn't afford her.' I said I'd be happy to pay. Oh, but the cleaner was also gossiping about her in the local pub. (She wasn't) Which Mum never went to. So, another row. Then it turned out she hadn't fired the cleaner at all. Sheesh.

But hings changed for the worse. She did half realise she had problems and got quite depressed, I think. None of this was admitted -- she kept a lot from me. And it's only with hindsight, after a diagnosis of dementia, did things fall into place. It's a bastard disease.

This was when she was in her late 70s, so a bit younger than your DM. Is it possible she too is in the early stages of dementia? If you suspect this, if any of this rings true, it's important to get a diagnosis , there are meds that can slow the progression of the disease in the early stages.

I sympathise also, op.

Previous posters, do you actually know what pathetic means?

Also, just because someone is elderly and also your mother doesn't mean they automatically deserve respect.

Makes me wonder if the nasty replies only have young parents!

Your making it sound like she's a burden! she's your mum for god sake! think of everything she's done for you!!! your lucky your mum is still around!!,one of my parents are longer here!!!! they didn't even make to 58, let alone 83, and don't know my mum, I'd do anything to have my dad till that age!! you sound like an ungrateful spoilt brat!,karma's a bitch, you want to hope your child don't have this view on you when their older!, people like you make me so goddamm angry. have some respect for the women! sounds like she just wants company.

Tartyflette, it sounds so similar doesn't it? I am going to bear it in mind. Luckily (!) i have experience of Vascular Dementia and Alzheimers, also Parkinsons, so I am prepared. But never really thought about it in terms of Mum. But now I will.

!!

!!!

Lucy, read the thread. I'd have quite liked to have had a Dad too.

Trendy1- how are you gna feel when she's not here, that's what I'm getting at!, you lucky to have a parent alive at that age 😔I think your both taking each other for granted 👍you also need to speak to your sibling if he stepped up his game maybe you would feel hate towards her 👍

wouldnt*

I think we all sympathise - mother/daughter relationships can be very tricky; and she is currently driving you up the wall; we would all feel like that.

You can only do your best from a position of understanding why she is behaving as she is - old age can be pretty scary! She is not getting at you specifically.And dealing with someone in this situation can be very frustrating.

She sounds just like my friend’s mother. So difficult that it’s hard to even open an email from her. She brings doom wherever she goes.

You cannot change her and you cannot or will not dump her so you have to manage her and create safe boundaries. Tell her what you can and can’t do in advance, ‘I can take you shopping but won’t have time to come in afterwards/ can only stay half an hour.’

Try to acknowledge her frustration, ‘ I can tell you feel rotten. Shall we spend half an hour chatting about that and then do something to try to make you feel better?’

Switch off. If she’s just offloading and there’s nothing you can do think about something else and offer no solutions or advice, they aren’t wanted.

Occasionally ask if there is something that could be done to improve things for her. Bigger tv, new hearing aids, npbetter walking aids. No, they won’t make her 21 but might just help. My FIL loves to go to all these sort of appointments as he craves attention.

Consider depression very seriously, it’s massively under diagnosed in the elderly. Possibly mention it to her GP privately. FIL did improve a lot once he started and, finally TOOK the meds.

Limit contact. Do something nice after contact, take someowith you when possible. She’s probably worse to you than anyone else. When not with her try hard not to feel guilty. It’s not your fault she’s so prickly and has few friends.

It’s not forever.

Just you wait. All of you criticising the OP. Just you fucking wait.

I'm really sorry for you if a parent has died but dealing with a parent who is behaving badly but using old age as an excuse is a nightmare.

My dad died of dementia, and someone told me recently I was lucky he lived to he was 79, I nearly hit them. Unless you have lived it you have no idea. Lucky to have a parent alive - what a stupid short sighted thing to say.

I know about loss and I know about struggling to live your life while supporting someone who is old and ungrateful.

OP my deepest sympathy you are still taking her to the library so you are a better person than me.

To those of you judging you have no idea of the pain and misery involved.

OP i really feel for you. My mum is in her 60s and is sucking the joy out of every aspect of my life with her negativity - no matter what I do it's not good enough, she will absolutely not engage with any groups or activities for company and support, relies on me for many things which I just cannot spare any more of myself for. Yet my sibling - an hour away - who does nothing for her except expect her to drop everything to visit him is the golden child.

Take time for yourself OP. She is your mother, but her happiness is NOT your responsibility.

OP, my mum moved in with me and very quickly became very dependent on me. She had never been social but had promised to get involved in the community and age appropriate activities. No effort made with outside interests. She lived with me for many years and I put my own life on hold to cover her increasing needs. Our relationship suffered and we used to argue also. She had no dementia but became physically extremely frail, wouldn't take Drs advice or her meds which accelerated her physical immobility. She had a couple of months in residential care before she died and that gave us a chance to re-base our relationship to that of mother and daughter rather than her carer and for that time, I shall always be grateful. We had many hard years though before that. Sympathies with your predicament.

Thanks Guys, so nice but sad to know I'm not alone.

Its not fair that it is left on you.Plenty on here probably spend very little time looking after their parents.I looked after my mother and though wearing she was very appreciative and wasn't argumentative-this makes a massive difference.

Trendy - no judgement here. You’re doing a huge amount. I’d honestly spend less time with her. At the very least, she can be polite when you’re putting yourself out for her again. Also - pls remember that you don’t have to do this. You may do so out of guilt or obligation or whatever it is, but no one can make you help out. Be very clear about your own boundaries and limits. Take back control.

I would hazard a guess that the people who are saying you sound awful haven't had to contend with the frustration of caring for a relative that has no go thing to say about anyone and is physically, emotionally, and mentally draining. My mum was like this for about a year before she was diagnosed with dementia. I used to have to go into the spare room and scream into a pillow as it was just so bloody awful being around her and I felt so bad for wanting to throttle someone who I actually loved quite a bit actually.

You can really tell the people who have had a pleasant relationship with their mothers. You are not obligated to do anything for anyone, it’s a persons choice to have a kid, your offspring do not owe you anything, no one should do anything under the guise of ‘but it’s your ___!!!!’

OP I understand. I have a mother who is friendless despite living in the same village for over forty years, her sisters won't speak to her and according to her none of it is her fault. No interests or hobbies. She has made life hell for me for more years than I care to remember. Her way or the highway. I find some of her views deeply offensive and she doesn't hold back. She is mid eighties now and I help her out a lot, shopping, cleaning, personal care, hospital appointments etc etc. I have a brother who lives abroad and on the rare occasions he is home I might as well not exist, I feel like the scullery maid must have done back in the olden days.

Then when I'm not with her, doing my own things, I come across other elderly people, who are just the most delightful company, a complete joy to be around and I wonder what made her so miserable and self centred. I honestly can't remember when she wasn't this way. How my father has put up with her all these years, I really don't know. He has his group of friends and is in a few societies and he does do a lot with them. Mum has now opted out of anything in the house and dad does the cooking and driving. There is not actually any medical reason why she couldn't do these jobs, it's just she has chosen not to in the last 3 years. She just sits in her chair all day hiding behind a newspaper. It's very difficult, and hard for others with kind loving mothers to understand unfortunately. But they shouldn't have come on here judging you as some have done

My supportive message earlier was deleted (first for me) but I sympathise still op. It's easy to say she's old, she's your mum and you'll feel good in years to come. Meanwhile your life is passing, you're stressed, anxious, unloved, unappreciated and made to feel like a shit daughter who's in the wrong and unkind. And not just by your mum but others who have either fab mums at best or mums who don't treat them like dirt!

Fucking hell, she's fucking 83!

My parents are 71 & 76, and are so debilitated, that they can't even go shopping any more.

"Pathetic Old Woman" ....oh Jeez that's so vile. She is your Mum.