Dating Thread 128: the one without a catchy title

[RunsforCake14]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread

Welcome hatty I’d recommend POF for traffic but you have to weed out the odd bods and will get a ton of messages from those you’re not interested in, and Tinder for ease of use.
Bumble is great to use but don’t know anyone who’s had a date from it yet and so there are a few people who over whether it’s actually genuine

hatty I think the FWB is a good thing, it gives you a bit more confidence whilst getting over a marriage break up. I’m going through divorce at the moment so I don’t want anything too serious unless someone amazing comes along. I’m keeping my options open whilst enjoying myself a little.

So the man I was chatting to all day yesterday has .......... disappeared!! Hmmmmmmmmmm

Tech and Last yep that’s exactly where I was with my last date. I’m glad I saw him a few times, but in the end my gut said/I knew it was a “not for me”.
I’m pretty sure it’ll take a while to find someone that nice/normal/sane again, but I just can’t a) ignore my gut and b) settle.

Hatty I’d start with POF; it’s by far the busiest.

Save I would, yes. It’s polite if nothing else and I’d prefer that to silence, even if they don’t message back.

sweet that's my dilemma - she says it's heading that way but there's no real evidence to support that

pringle yes, we have at least snogged - I wouldn't have let it drag on this long if we hadn't at least done that!

vet yes, I have now put a time limit on it. I've not told her of course but one more week is the line I've now drawn - everything else is perfect but the lack of intimacy is destroying my self-esteem and even my sense of humour now. I'm totally smitten but never in my life have I been in a situation like this and it confuses the hell out of me.

I think I’m going to give Mr Sensible one more date, just to make sure, but as he hasn’t responded to my last text that might not be my call..
I just can’t be bothered right now to start a conversation with more irons then be disappointed when they disappear, say something weird, send dodgy pictures/messages.
I have only been looking since last November and I’m jaded already.

Tech maybe take a break? I was about to jack it in then 3 potentials turned up that same day.
Going back on in a while and I’m sure the same thing will happen; weeks of ennui then a flurry. I think it’s just the nature of the beast.

Techgirl I know what you mean about being jaded . I have only been at this seriously since the start of 2018 . Have met 2 and both went no further despite what seemed like good dates - one sat gazing into my eyes for over 4 hours ! Both of them just "disappeared" as well despite " we must do this again" and "talk soon" comments ! An experienced friend of mine says that experienced OL Daters will send a message saying "Thanks but don't think we have a connection" as opposed to just disappearing . Was having a great conversation with a new guy the other evening then he just disappears mid conversation - bizarre ! Have Number 3 date this week and he has been on and off chatting to me all the time but can't help feeling that he is going to be Mr Boring . Time will tell !

Oh and yes I am very confused about the slow burn thing - surely you have to feel something right off ?

I think it’s difficult because I was with STBXH for so long and you get so used to knowing someone so well then starting again with someone else. It’s exciting but time consuming and frustrating at times.

Slow burn thing. I was thinking about my ex he was someone I got to know through work and I don’t think I thought wow when I first saw him. It happened over time. That’s why I’m not writing off Mr Sensible yet. Also as he’s my age he feels a bit grown up for me.. or looks old I’m not sure..

Reading that.. he’s not right for me is he? I’d be more keen.

Bloody with both the guys I met recently I thought “would I like to meet them again? Yes!” because they were interesting. I did the Looming/Kitchen Worktop Test and thought “hmmmm, maybe” ; neither gave me the fanny gallops, but equally I wasn’t a definite no.
So I’d have seen both again (as it was one never contacted me after, so fine) I guess that’s the potential for a slow burn?
Took me a few weeks and then I definitely knew it was a no.

cover and tech

I think this is the problem for me - my ex husband was a slow burn and I don't think I was ever really that sexually attracted to him ( it was OK ) - think that other things got in the way - age, wanting to get married , jobs etc etc . This sort of puts me off the slow burn...on the other hand you can feel the urge with so many "non suitable" men .

Tech I think it’ important to be keen, but it might not happen right out of the gate; it might grow. However, your gut will tell you within a few dates if said keenness fails to materialise.
I’m sure this is what’s happening when people ghost, they just don’t have the manners to say “lovely meeting you, but it’s not right for me”. Because they’re avoidant/rude. So bullet dodged anyhow in those situations.

Morning guys, fairly new to this OLD lark and love all your messages and words of wisdom. I am feeling gutted and a little stupid for what i have just done to myself. Have been chatting to a guy on Tinder to who i thought was a nice guy, no sex chat etc. After 2 weeks of chatting finally got round to sorting out a place to meet, woke up this morning and all the messages have gone?? Does this mean he has unmatched me, if so this must have been just a game to him or a bet amongst his friends? Feel devastated and a fool.

Bloody I think the slow burn (when it happens) is probably healthier. Immediate PHWOARRRR (coupled with the knowledge that finding that on OLD is rare) can blind one to a multitude of red flags and make one want to hasten the pace (which can then put off the other person if they’re experiencing a slow burn of course 🙄)

I still maintain that it doesn’t take long to “know” in the gut (I type “gut” far too often , I’m realising) and problems start when we ignore that and try to make the other person fit/talk ourselves into a relationship because we just want to be in one.

gettingthere1968 you haven't done anything to yourself and you are not a fool. You have just been an honest and open person . He is the one with the problem - ill mannered . Despite all their stating I am "old school/have manners " blah blah many are capable of this .

I know a guy who has been with his girlfriend for donkeys years and doesn't want to commit as his Dad told him never to buy the first pair of shoes he sees in a shop ! Unfortunately OLD is like this . I am treating it like a learning experience. I am doing it but not invested in it despite the fact that I would like to have a relationship and a sex life .

gettingthere I’m sorry that happened, it can be so hurtful can’t it. I very much doubt it was a game or a bet! More likely he got cold feet for a variety of possible reasons, none of them to do with you. Please try not to take it personally.

I just had a bit of a weird coincidence, swiped left on someone on tinder (looked attractive but said something about having no ‘ties’ as in kids etc, which I do, so thought probably no. The second I swiped, I got a notification that he’d messaged me on POF! Actually seems really nice and asked how the kids were! So we’ll see...

Meeting a tinder date on Thursday. He seems nice and is quite hot but he’s 32 (I’m 39) and I’m not sure if it’s a bit of a waste of time. I’m very careful about not wasting any precious babysitting!

Was talking to a doctor on tinder yesterday, he was cute and seemed lovely, but after a few messages he said he had to confess he’d find it difficult to have a relationship with someone who has children. I said thanks for being honest but I’ve felt a bit despondent about it! Silly, I mean I know it’s nothing personal! I’ve got one young toddler dd, so I’m new to dating with a child, guess that’s just the way it goes.

covermelads thank you and that is food for thought .

This is why I find this thread so helpful - it connects me with others who are doing this . Many of my friends are just too scared to do it .

Getting there you are not a fool but you shouldn't feel devastated about someone you've never met. Some never intend to meet, might be married or just had second thoughts, it happens to us all. Don't get too carried away with the messaging before meeting. Keep swiping!

Thanks everyone. This is a minefield, am not sure my skin is thick enough for it ! Oh well back out with the fishing net!!!!

bloody i agree, i don't have any friends in the same position either, this is a great support for me.

You're all fab xxx

pringlecat I am a sucker for a foreign accent, and the dark med look. And beards, as I live in Portugal, that is like a dream! I do wonder if guys "research" like we do, I imagine some do, some don't. I suppose it depends on how interested and intrigued they are. Maybe they don't though!

I have decided to flake with the surfer, he leaves on Friday for good, its a half hour drive for me, I can only be 2 hours max. Seems a bit too much effort for someone I probably won't ever see again. And I am not going for sex, so.......

The other guy, its only this picture that has set my spidey senses tingling, it might not even be him in the picture, its hard to tell as he looks very similar, but he has sunglasses on (he has very distinctive eyes so if his glasses were off I could tell. He told me last night he lives with his parents....... I don't know if that is worse! Or he says that because then we won't go back to his ever........its not uncommon for older people to live with their folks until they marry. He did call me last night when he arrived home, and we were on the phone for a long time, so I imagine if he was married, he wouldn't do that??

Anyway, we are going to meet somewhere halfway on Friday, I will meet him, in the meantime I will dig a bit more.

Hello all, I've been lurking for a while but thought I should check in.

After the end of a 2 1/2 year relationship in December I'm getting back on the horse! Set myself a target of 10 dates in 10 weeks and so far I'm on track having had 4 in 4!

I'm not looking for anything serious, just to practice being single. Have never dated properly, always gone from relationship to relationship...

Anyway, had a nice date with a Greek boy last night who I snogged a bit but not really sure if I fancy him. Will probably see him again though!

hatty I’m on Bumble. I met someone from there a month ago but he lovebombed me. Despite saying I was avoiding OLD I’m back on there. I have 4 matches, only one has replied so far. I’m not convinced by it, so I’m going to join POF.

As others have said, I just want to meet someone to do things with and have sex with. Nothing too serious as I’m in the middle of divorce proceedings.

I have one friend who did OLD years ago and is still scarred from it. Every time I say I’m back on it my friends get all protective and tell me it’s too soon. Ex-H left over a year ago!! So this thread is great as we get non-judgmental support and loads of good advice.