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Original poster

Dating Thread 128: the one without a catchy title

999 replies

RunsforCake14 · 11/02/2018 11:15

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread
OP posts:
ValMc1 · 20/02/2018 10:21

Kin - lol - what are you going to do?

ValMc1 · 20/02/2018 10:22

That could be taken 2 ways - I meant about Miss Intellectual?

Kinunir · 20/02/2018 10:24

I'm taking some time to consider my options - the physical side is of things is very important to me but I've only felt this way about one other person before so want to be sure before I throw it all away. Will decide before the weekend so that I can start moving on, one way or another.

Kinunir · 20/02/2018 10:25

haha, could only be taken one way as I have a builder in the house. Shame it's a he rather than a Miss Architect Grin

Vistaverde · 20/02/2018 10:30

Another newbie coming to say hello.

Last year I massively over invested in an emotionally unavailable man and although the relationship only lasted four months it really knocked me when it ended. Having taken three months out to get my head together again and I am now dipping my toe back in the world of online dating.

I met my ex on POF but have decided to give Tinder a go this time around. Still a bit undecided about it but will keep preserving for now.

I have one definite iron who for now I shall call Mr Music. He is keen to meet but as we have only been chatting for a day or so I think I would like to get to know him a bit better first. Having had little experience on Tinder though I am not sure whether it is the norm to meet quicker than on POF.

I am going to try and develop a few more irons I think so as not to get over invested too quickly.

Vistaverde · 20/02/2018 10:31

I really should proof read before posting Grin.

MissCatt · 20/02/2018 10:49

Kin you sound very level-headed and in control about this - though I'm sure it's painful because you like her so much. I wish I could be that sensible with guys... It's sad you've been put in this position. I'm sure you'll make the right choice.

Pudding Omg yes, definitely a flirty bathroom joke needed... how about something along the lines of needing 'a bath/shower big enough for two'. And then ask him to test it with you haha. God, it's no wonder I'm single.

My one (hot-looking) iron who gave me his phone number for us to whatsapp has sent me a grand total of 2 messages since then. One of them was agreeing to us having a phone chat last night, saying it was a great idea, then when I asked what time would suit, he ignored my message. It's still unread. So this morning I sent another saying 'Hey, you'd better slow this convo down I can't keep up' type of thing, with a winky face... (I don't care what he thinks now, but wanted to show him he's being rude/slow having given me his number) and of course, I've got nothing back. He's hot and I think he knows it. I stalked found him on FB and tbh, he looks like a player and reminds me so much of Mr Headfuck in looks and lifestyle. Think I'll give him a wide berth. Back to the drawing board.

Who mentioned a good FWB site? RSI killing me here too Grin

ValMc1 · 20/02/2018 10:56

KIn - I think you are doing the right thing - it is obvious how much you like her. But she really should have been straight with you from the beginning. You need to do the right thing for you.

CoverMeLads · 20/02/2018 11:04

Kin you asked about how have I got 3 in 3? One’s a second date, but the other two asked me within 48 hours (I’d generally be happy to wait a week if the chat was easy).

I think if I were a guy I’d message everybody that I was attracted to that had no deal breakers. The ones that replied I’d chat to about their interests (but not asking v personal questions like where they work, when and why did their last relationship end etc. Oh and DEFINITELY not “how long have you been on here?” “How’s the dating going?”) and avoid any mention of sex.

Within a couple of days, if the chat was easy, I’d ask if they’d like to meet up, and make it within the next 2 weeks (I’d expect the first weekend to possibly be booked, but as Bant said a while ago there has to be the option to meet up regularly).

It so is a numbers game.

Kinunir · 20/02/2018 11:06

I don't know about in control - I'm head over heels to be honest and yet the total lack of intimacy makes me feel rejected and undesired. I also feel like I've been played sometimes given the fact that I've paid for everything. I have much thinking to do!

Pogmella · 20/02/2018 11:07

Cover say "Wow do you have to buy dolls' clothes? I suppose you'd fit in my pocket. Did you type that with your feet?"

Kinunir · 20/02/2018 11:08

cover last time I was on POF, before I met MissIntellectual, it took me 4 months to find 27 women I wanted to message (and I'm in London!) Of those, only 15 replied from which I wanted to meet 3 but one wasn't interested. Guess I need to lower my standards?

pudding21 · 20/02/2018 11:12

Ahahaha! I like your suggestions.

I spoke to him, twice already today. I told him I didn't want my shower need the window and for privacy reasons. He said that no one would be looking at my boys showering (good point it was their bathroom) ;) Anyways, i know he is here ALL week, and we have to meet at the house as he is worried about a structural wall (how sweet he is worried about my wall). I feel like we are dancing around a bit now which is ok, but I neeeeeeeed him to ask if I want dinner, before I put myself out there any more and destroy our ahem professional relationship.

I am all in a spin.

Pavonia · 20/02/2018 11:17

Kin think of it as being more open minded rather than lowering your standards. If you enjoy meeting people it won't necessarily be a waste of time.

Does Miss Intellectual invite you back to her place?

MissCatt · 20/02/2018 11:19

Oh Kin... I'm so sorry you're going through this. So hard to have such strong feelings for someone, yet seemingly be played by them at the same time. Lots of thinking for you.

It is a numbers game, yes, I suppose, but what gets me (and it's probably a personal trigger from a cheating ex-husband) is that you know, just KNOW, that while they're dating you, they're also dating others and weighing you up against them. It's a bloody competition. And I hate that. I wish I could do the same but if I meet a guy I like, I tend to want to see how that goes. Anyway, it's so rare to find a guy I like, it's not much of a problem haha. Maybe I need to lower my standards too? I rarely fancy anyone I see on OLD.

Oh, and while I'm on pet hates, if another guy says to me 'I can't believe why a gorgeous woman like you is on a dating site', I'm going to... I don't know what!!! It's so hurtful and makes me feel like even more of a fecking failure. What a game. Sorry... feeling a bit down about it today!

ValMc1 · 20/02/2018 11:19

Oh Kin - what a difficult situation you are in. For me, lack of intimacy would be a problem but even bigger issue for me would be lack of honesty. For me a relationship has to be equal. I have been in a relationship where he was able to spend more on holidays than me etc. but I always made sure I did what I could to repay him (and I don't mean sex). Once I was back on my feet, we became equals financially - it was very important to me that neither of us felt taken for a ride. You have a lot of soul searching to do - good luck.

MissCatt · 20/02/2018 11:21

Pudding so now's your time to say that YOU might occasionally use that bathroom and what if someone saw you naked...? Wink

Kinunir · 20/02/2018 11:22

Hmmm, I very rarely end up wanting to see anyone I meet a second time but I guess I could start befriending along the way instead of rejecting.

I've dropped her off at her place many times but have never been invited inside.

MissCatt · 20/02/2018 11:28

Kin, how long have you been together with her? This is sounding more and more... well, odd. Never been invited in her house? I seem to recall you've known her a while. I see this as another big red flag, I'm sorry to say. Mr Headfuck last summer never allowed me in his house. I won't go into the reasons, but it was one of the main reasons it all went horrifically messy. But she's been in your house, right? Have you ever asked her why you can't go in hers?

Kinunir · 20/02/2018 11:30

I think it's about 15 weeks now. She has a mid-20s DD who is sometimes there and would "know" I'd been in even if she isn't and, apparently, that 'wouldn't be right' Confused

pudding21 · 20/02/2018 11:35

kin all sounds very odd. There must be more to this, obviously she doesn't want to say. But I think you need to ask her outright. Ask her if there is something in her past/ future or present she is uncomfortable with sharing with you. Tell her she doesn't have to share, but you are finding the progress frustrating. She clearly likes you, but something is stopping her. You need to either find out if there is something, and/ or find out what it is. Besides the physical intimacy she is not being emotionally intimate with you either. Did her marriage end recently, end in a terrible way? Sounds like she has major trust issues to me.

ValMc1 · 20/02/2018 11:37

Kin - this is sounding stranger and stranger. Relationships are all about compromise - give and take - sharing/caring - this seems very lopsided. How do you honestly think she would feel if you ended things? Does she have strong religious/cultural beliefs?

MissCatt · 20/02/2018 11:37

Kin Hmm well that's another area of her life she's excluding you from then. I mean, mid-20s is hardly a child! I'm sure the girl would cope and no doubt the daughter has a sex life herself - better than her mother's, I imagine! Anyway, what's so wrong with you being there if the daughter is about... There's fat chance of any hanky panky anyway, so what is it about it that 'wouldn't be right?' You've known her nearly 4 months now, not ten minutes! Sorry... I'm really not trying to sound harsh towards Miss I... or what must be a really hurtful time for you, but your story resonates quite a lot with my experience (which I've not really moved on from). Seems like there are quite a few layers to your experience with Miss I that you need to unpack/think about. Why does it have to be so bloody hard?!

Kinunir · 20/02/2018 11:38

I learned a lot about her past on our weekend away, which I think I would have liked to have known before - she's only had 3 partners, one of which was physically abusive and the other two cheated on her. I can't comprehend how that makes her feel and she isn't telling me.

Kinunir · 20/02/2018 11:39

How do you honestly think she would feel if you ended things?

That's the thing - I have no idea!!!!!!!!!!!