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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 128: the one without a catchy title

999 replies

RunsforCake14 · 11/02/2018 11:15

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread
OP posts:
PeacefulPoster · 17/02/2018 23:32

cover I’m afraid i’ll get lynched by you all if I share details Grin

pringlecat · 17/02/2018 23:37

Popple123 Just assume he thinks you are the most beautiful woman in the world until/unless evidence to the contrary presents itself. You know what they say about confidence... Good luck!

lastnicknamefree · 18/02/2018 00:00

cover well done and thank you for typing all that out! Brilliant post for everyone

Popple123 · 18/02/2018 00:06

peaceful we have to live vicariously through you..do tell!!

PeacefulPoster · 18/02/2018 01:20

Eeeek I actually cannot believe I’m sharing this cover and popple but I have had nearly a full bottle of wine 🍷!

So he laid this thing out in my dining room, it was a bit like a make-up roll but much bigger. He unrolled it and told me to remove anything that I didn’t like the look off! My eyes must if nearly fell out my head as he took the time to reassure and take me through there purpose. He tied my hands to the bedstead and used the ice to trace from my neck to my toes and back up the other side. I’ll stop there BlushBlushBlush

pringlecat · 18/02/2018 01:41

PeacefulPoster We're all glad you're having fun. You win at this thread! Wink

Kinunir · 18/02/2018 08:27

val you are right of course. I’ve spent too much time appreciating why she needs to be certain I’m not someone who would use her for sex but now need to consider myself - with no mortgage and a decent salary, I have to be certain I’m not being played too!!

Looking forward to catching up with everyone else’s news on this thread when I get back...

Bant · 18/02/2018 08:36

kin - who paid for the Milan trip?

If I were to have my suspicious hat on, I'd say she were taking you for a ride, wanting to be wined and dined and treated, and just doling out enough affection to keep you enthralled. The fact that she doesn't have any money of her own with her gives me that impression.

And two years..? That's ridiculous. Unbelievably so.

Pavonia · 18/02/2018 08:43

Kin it seems crazy that she has gone to Milan but has no money of her own. Even if she were at home she would still have expenses, how does she usually manage?

On your dates over the last few months have you always paid for everything?

Kinunir · 18/02/2018 08:44

I’ve paid for all trips and all dates Blush

ValMc1 · 18/02/2018 08:46

Kin - yes look after you. I think she has had enough time to realise you are not only after one thing - how about a final chat with her saying that a non-physical relationship is not for you and if you haven't proved yourself by now it is goodbye when you get back to the uk? What have you got to lose?

Pavonia · 18/02/2018 09:02

Kin sadly, I think she probably likes you and enjoys going out with you, but no more than that. If I was her I would be embarrassed to be letting you pay for everything. Have you talked about money at all? Even if she can't afford trips abroad she should expect to be paying for drinks or meals out sometimes if she wants to date. How did you meet in the first place?

There are circumstances when a relationship is genuine and one party has a lot more money than the other when it would be fine for the financial side of things to be unequal, so I don't want to generalise too much but it does seem like a red flag here.

Lovemusic33 · 18/02/2018 09:04

Kin sounds like she’s taking you for a ride, who goes away with no money? How rude of her to assume you will pay for everything? I would happily go away with someone but if I didn’t have money to pay for my own food I would not go. Just get back home and dump her, you deserve better.

It’s my child free day and at the moment I have no date other than one person hassling to meet me, I am unsure as I don’t find his face atractive (he has a hot body though).

Kinunir · 18/02/2018 09:06

pav we met on POF.

She earns around 30k but has very high rent whereas I’m on 100k or so with no outgoings so spending a hundred a week on dates is not a big deal to me and I’ve never minded doing so.

Of course, being on the receiving end of that could be a factor in her keeping me around, and that’s something I seriously need to think about.

Bant · 18/02/2018 09:09

I'm only vaguely dating at the moment. Someone had favourited me on match and viewed my profile three or four times over the last two days. I've been too busy with the kids and real life to get round to replying, but this morning went to send a hello message, and she's blocked me, presumably because I didn't send a greeting quickly enough.

I see this as a lucky escape.

Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname · 18/02/2018 09:12

Yes bant I had a guy do this as I didn't reply within 24 hours - their loss and yes a lucky escape. They could have been drunk I suppose at the time Grin

VixenSixen · 18/02/2018 09:37

I'm totally fatigued by this whole dating thing at the moment, been chatting to a few guys this week. One outright wanting a hookup (goodbye!), the other sends me messages that are as long as war and peace 🙈.

Got 1 date next week on Friday - we've been chatting for ages, had to cancel last week as childcare plans fell through. He is very much not over his ex but we get on really well and think we could end up forming a really great friendship out of it if nothing more 😊

I still have MrBytheSea burning a hole in the back of my brain though.... fk sakes. Keeping it cool on that front though. This one is going to be a slow burner.

VixenSixen · 18/02/2018 09:39

Pringle - Amazing wise words which we would all do well to remember sometimes 🌈

Cover - I have watched quite a few of his videos, he makes so much sense and it definately helps managing some of those crazy feelings I get from time to time 🙈

Pavonia · 18/02/2018 09:53

Kin if you made it plain from the start that you had a high disposable income and were happy to pay she may have just gone along with it. I think most of us would enjoy being taken out and doing things we couldn't normally afford. She may have hoped that her feelings would grow.

In future it may be wise to keep things on a more equal footing in the early days. If your date can't afford to do the things you would like then do cheaper things.

Pavonia · 18/02/2018 09:58

I was actually messaged by a good looking man the other evening! The message was sent quite late just after I had been online and I only saw it the next morning. I replied and saw that he then came online but he didn't message me back. The next day his profile was deleted!

So beware late night messagers! Is it any wonder we become jaded?

Someone I know looked at my profile the other day. Thank goodness he didn't message! I wish there was a way of making yourself invisible to particular people on POF like you can on OKC.

Bant · 18/02/2018 10:05

I think you can but only after a message has been sent. Possibly you could send them a message then immediately block them. That may not work though so it's risky

MissCatt · 18/02/2018 10:50

Oh Kin this sounds really tough, frustrating and disappointing for you. You've done everything right but have been kept dangling on the end of her line for long enough, I would say. To me it sounds like there could be several reasons for her behaviour. Maybe she leans towards the asexual in relationships (I had a guy once want this) and she knows this is likely a problem for most men, so she holds back telling them as long as she can - until they're over-invested and just accept it. Or perhaps she has a medical condition (or as someone a while back said, an STI even?) and is too embarrassed to say. Or perhaps she's, well, a gold digger - but in the most subtle of ways. To me, this sounds the most likely. Your financial situation will sound very attractive to someone like her with far less money - and as she has no spare income, how else is she going to get nice trips and evenings out? She's not! Even if her rent is high, it's not cool to be relying solely on you to pay for everything - especially as she's not putting herself into this relationship wholeheartedly. I don't mean she should reward you with sex for trips away etc, but it just seems like she's giving little of herself when she is well aware of how you want things to progress. She's basically told you you're not going to have sex with her for a very, very long time. You now have a decision to make.

Sorry to have gone on so long haha but your situation is touching a nerve for me. A relationship I was in last year, while it was very sexual, he completely took advantage of my financial situation and let me pay for everything - making me believe he was 'falling in love with me' (I wanted a long term r/s), when really, he was just using me to pay for a load of stuff while he had fun with other women too and treated me like sh&t. I didn't want to see what was happening under my nose because I thought he loved me, but I could have saved myself much heartache if I'd got out sooner. I'm still not over it... anyhow, I digress, but just wanted to say the money thing is a hugely powerful 'pull' for people who don't have any and couldn't live a certain lifestyle without you (this guy I saw reckoned he was some pro-sportsman but as far as I could see, he was just plain lazy and lay in bed watching porn/messaging other women to hook up with). Anyway, rant over haha! Hope you get back OK and can reach a decision...
Right, back to Match. I have NO irons at the moment (apart from chatting to one guy on OLD who is good-looking but seems rather vague).

pringlecat · 18/02/2018 11:00

Kinunir I went through some of the old posts I missed to try to unravel your tale, because although I'm only in my 30s, I'm one of the more old-fashioned ladies on this thread and wanted to give you some insight into how an old-school woman thinks.

I like the man to offer to pay for the first date. It feels chivalrous. However, I will only accept if I want to see him again, because I will then pay for the second. As much as I like the concept of chivalry, I'm not a freeloader.

If actually I really don't want to see him again, I will insist on splitting the bill. If you're on a date with me and I want to go to Dutch, it's a bad sign because it means I don't want to owe you anything because I'm done with you.

Even if you had more money than me, I wouldn't let you pay all the time. I would let you take me to more expensive places and I would reciprocate with less expensive ones, but there would be a clear financial reciprocity. There's wanting that feeling of being looked after, and there's allowing yourself to be bought.

I don't do casual sex - I have to know the man first. I can't tell you how long that takes, because I'm not crazy enough to have an arbitrary rule of something like 2 years. With someone from OLD, it will take me longer to trust the man than with someone from real life, because I'm starting with a background knowledge of zero. It will take longer than the 3 dates most men seem prepared to wait, which for me is turning out to be a really good way of filtering out douchebags. I meet some men who seem utterly charming and turn downright horrid when it transpires I'm not going to sleep with them on their terms - the mask falls.

As someone who doesn't want to fall into bed with a new man straight away, I wouldn't agree to go away for the weekend. To me, that's giving the wrong signal. In an established relationship, I love mini breaks - it's a weekend of exploring a different city and having lots of sex. Weekends away were invented for sex. If you don't want sex yet, you don't put yourself in that position. Well, unless you want a free holiday.

And speaking of free holidays, no woman would take an all-expenses paid trip to a foreign company with a suitor she didn't trust enough to sleep with and not have access to a stash of money in case it all went pear shaped. Frankly, even if she head over heels in love with you and shagging you on the hour every hour, she would still have a backup plan. Just as women cannot be separated from their handbags, we always know where the exits are. In the context of travel, that means passport and credit card.

It's not that she wants to wait per se - there's nothing with waiting. It's just that with all the other background you've given, it doesn't sound like she wants to wait for you. She sounds like in her experience, she can milk a man for money for 2 years before he twigs and she has to move onto the next one.

Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname · 18/02/2018 11:02

Nothing worse than a a bloke who puts on his profile that he has his own house and a nice car etc - so what ? So do I ? Is he just using it to pull women ? (Not that I am saying you did that kin )

pringlecat · 18/02/2018 11:05

The Thoughtful Greek (my new iron) has asked me if I want to meet up this week for a quick drink.

I really should say yes.

I haven't been on a date in months. Months!

It doesn't matter if I don't like him in person. Or if he doesn't like me. It's about getting back on the horse, right? Intellectually, I think we have things to talk about and he seems lonely (new-ish to the country), so worst case scenario, I make a new friend.

I should say yes, right? It's just a drink.

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