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Original poster

For those who stayed after an affair - how did it turn out?

138 replies

StarlightSparkle · 10/02/2018 12:05

Just that really. I’m 2 months from finding out about my H’s brief affair and still feel so conflicted. One minute I think we can make it work then the next I think about what happened and wonder how I can ever forgive him.

For those who did try to make it work, are you still together and confident that it hasn’t happened again? Or if you did end up breaking up was it because he did it again after making promises he never, ever would? Or because you tried but just couldn’t get past it?

I’m so confused and it would be really helpful to hear from anyone who’s been through this and come out the other side one way or the other.

OP posts:
GrapesAreMyJam · 10/02/2018 13:00

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
StarlightSparkle · 10/02/2018 13:13

Congratulations Grapes on your new baby! It’s good to hear that it does work out for some people Smile

OP posts:
lilymty · 10/02/2018 13:21

We are 1 year post husband's affair. It's been the hardest time and even now I have days when I want to leave but it is easier now. You need to give yourself time. I don't hit it really hit me what he had really done till months later. It's hard work but I'm glad we are trying to stay together.

GrapesAreMyJam · 10/02/2018 13:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Juststopit · 10/02/2018 13:29

6 months on for us and he’s just about to move back in. It’s been bloody hard but time seems to be helping. He is very remorseful and sorry and we have been working hard on our relationship. I still have days where I am very upset and sometimes what has happened overwhelms me, but I can see a future together.

MadMags · 10/02/2018 13:31

My sister and her DH are two years on and she’s miserable. She doesn’t trust him, her self-esteem is shot to shit, they don’t attend family things anymore because he’s not comfortable/she’s not comfortable/I fucking hate him anyway (can’t speak for everyone else). It’s an absolute shit storm, frankly!

And I know she feels utterly miserable because she tells me frequently.

hesterton · 10/02/2018 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AliceWhatsth3Matter · 10/02/2018 13:42

Badly. He had another affair (at least one that I know of). Eventually he left to be with second OW, but then begged to come back.

I said no and divorced him. I have no idea, and don't care, if he is with OW now.

The years between the 2 affairs were horrible, we never re-gained what we had before. I regret not finishing things the first time. I did put loads of effort into trying to make things work, more than he did, which is telling. I worked hard to rebuild my trust in him, it took years and then he did it again which was doubly devastating.

I'd never advise someone to try and fix things after an affair. I know this is an unpopular opinion on MN and reflects my own experience, but now I firmly believe that when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 10/02/2018 13:47

There will be people on both sides, who made it work and who didn't. Sadly; there's no way to see which "type" your DH will be.

All you can do is play the way that you feel. If it's making you miserable, leave.

I couldn't forgive someone who cheated. That may well be a failing on my part - it's just something I know I couldn't cope with. I might, maybe, be able to trust again - but I wouldn't get over it. It'd be forever tarnished.

FrancesDestroyed · 10/02/2018 14:44

I'm 11 months post discovery. Every day it chews me up inside. He had another, "goodbye," date with her 3 weeks after discovery, then continued texting for another 3 1/2 months. She was newly married and sexted with H on her honeymoon.

Everyday I'm going through hell. He's been better since the New Year, but I still have regular meltdowns.
I found out 2 days after my birthday. He was so vile I looked at his phone.
It's my birthday in 4 weeks. I don't know what to do. I'll probably stay home for my b'day for the dcs (2), but I don't know whether to go away for a couple of nights on the date of my discovery, or come home and see how he is.
We've been married for 22 years and together for 27. She's half his age. It's madness. I don't know what to do.
Sorry op

AliceWhatsth3Matter · 10/02/2018 14:50

@AnchorDownDeepBreath That's it exactly, forever tarnished. Absolutely not worth the pain in my opinion. Much better to take control and move on.

Jobjobjob · 10/02/2018 14:56

WineThanksbut Frances you sound absolutely beaten. I think with him continuing contact once discovered you should make the break. Leave him!

Sorry.

FrancesDestroyed · 10/02/2018 14:57

I'm 50 next month. Where can I move on to? This man has been my life.

Chugalug · 10/02/2018 15:02

10 yrs later,one extra child one wedding ( ours) ...it's ok..we are ok..he's not done it again.by the skin of his teeth I gave him a second chance..sure as hell he ain't getting a third chance...I think if I'm totally honest ,I wouldn't of took him back if we didn't have kids.i came from divorced parents ,I went to hell and back as a child.didnt want the same for my kids.
He's pissing me off a bit today😟...but probably a different day I'd sound a bit more enthusiastic 😀

OhHolyJesus · 10/02/2018 15:03

My mum and dad are 25 years post affair and my mum stayed as she couldn't imagine life without him and still can't as they are now in their 70's.

I'm considering counselling again as some things from that time are coming to the surface again for me but other than this they have an incredibly strong marriage - one I hope to emulate.

Good luck OP, it must be very hard for you x

MaidenMotherCrone · 10/02/2018 15:10

It was shit, 5 years later he did it again. He made such a mess of everything he decided suicide was his best option. Left me to hold our children together.

VladmirsPoutine · 10/02/2018 15:14

I couldn't get passed it. We were both miserable. It might work out for some people but IMHO it rarely does. You will still think of it or throw it back in his face. It was horrific at the time.
I would have left the day I found out.

MegFlyAway2 · 10/02/2018 15:19

Over 2 years post discovery now. We still live apart. But have texted/spoke every single day, have met up from time to time. I'm still unsure. I don't think I'll never forgive for it, but I have moved on from it. But I'm also aware it would never be the same.

Sosog00d · 10/02/2018 15:38

Frances YOU are your life. You matter. Im so sorry to read your post. It's really tough to figure out what to do for the best., becaue often there is no best, just "good enough"

Is he good enough for you? Have you asked yourself that?

Flowers
oldfatandtired1 · 10/02/2018 15:41

He had another one. And another one. Then left me for his PA. I should have got rid after the first one. I am much happier now Smile

anon1968 · 10/02/2018 15:50

4 years on for us. I think we have a stronger better marriage now, because he realises what he put me through, and what he very nearly lost , but it took time and hard work for us to get where we are now. It ruined my self esteem and i was an anxious nervous wreck for at least two years, not because he was always out or anything, i just couldn’t get back to the person i was, it was always on my mind. I was too weak at the time to end my marriage, but i know i wouldn’t put myself through it again, it was a long time before i felt comfortable and could look forward to a future together. I can honestly say im happy we are still together, i do still think about it, mostly when things trigger memories of it, but not a lot, and i dont dwell on it now or dread the future. Only you can know whether he is worth the pain and effort, i truly feel it is harder to stay and work at it than walk away, and if that is what you decide to do, Good luck, i wish you well. X

Original poster
StarlightSparkle · 10/02/2018 16:03

Thank you all for sharing. I’m sorry to hear what some of you have been through; it sounds so tough.

Maiden that is awful. I hope you and your children are getting through it Flowers

In my heart I want to leave, even though I do still love him, but then I think about our children, who are very young, and feel like I need to try for their sake. Although I think they could still be happy if we did split, as long as he pulled his weight and was a proper dad. I don’t know, it’s just so hard. Things weren’t great between us when it happened but deep down I know that’s no excuse.

OP posts:
RainyApril · 10/02/2018 16:07

I forgave him and didn't tell anyone so that he wouldn't have to cope with everyone judging him. He said and did everything that the books advise, we went to couples counselling, we booked holidays. He did everything he was supposed to do, answered my questions and demonstrated in every way that he was sorry.

A year later I woke up in the night and watched him sleeping. I realised that he'd permanently spoilt something I'd previously thought of as quite magical (we had been together for decades). I realised that I could never truly trust him because he'd lied so convincingly throughout the affair. I could never un-know that he'd sneaked around to repeatedly fuck another woman and was only really sorry that I'd found out.

I wondered why I'd forgiven him and decided it was children, habit and logistics. There was love too, but he'd pissed all over that. I told him he had to leave, and am much much happier now.

FurryGiraffe · 10/02/2018 16:44

We're five years on. We nearly split 18 months in, but didn't. We had an awful lot of therapy (individually and together) instead. It took a lot of work, and he had to make a lot of changes but we recovered. We've gone on to have DC2, who has been very hard on our relationship (health issues resulting in lack of sleep so we're both very sleep deprived and short on time together). I don't think the relationship we had pre affair and therapy would have survived the strain tbh, but we've held together and are fundamentally very happy. I don't think about the affair day to day. It's not an issue. He's changed enormously and earned my trust back: it took a long time though- probably 2.5 years post discovery to get to that point.

Wilburissomepig · 10/02/2018 16:56

We stayed together for 6 years. 6 pretty hellish years actually, then he did it again, with my best friend. She had been my support network, then she decided that fucking him was a good idea. They did it in my bed, on my sofa, on my fucking stairs; which is where I found them at it like rabbits when I came home early from work one day.

They moved in together (he begged me to give him another chance but she was welcome to him by then), then he did the same to her. I can't say I was sorry for her.

I've been with my DH for 17 years now and barely think about either of them.