For those who stayed after an affair - how did it turn out?

[StarlightSparkle]

Just that really. I’m 2 months from finding out about my H’s brief affair and still feel so conflicted. One minute I think we can make it work then the next I think about what happened and wonder how I can ever forgive him.

For those who did try to make it work, are you still together and confident that it hasn’t happened again? Or if you did end up breaking up was it because he did it again after making promises he never, ever would? Or because you tried but just couldn’t get past it?

I’m so confused and it would be really helpful to hear from anyone who’s been through this and come out the other side one way or the other.

Anger? How odd that you should think so! What language have I used to portray anger?

Letsgotothehill I fully understand you. Many betrayed partners are indeed so hurt at yhe start that they want to leave but they seem to choose not to walk out because they are afraid to lose custody of their kids and to be worse off financially etc That was not your case. You chose to stay for the sake of your family and you fought to hold it together- even if at the start he was a bit disconnected. Chapeau. I am more tuned to your principles: family/kids before my individual temporary feelings. You also seem to understand that any affair gives the betrayed two hard choiced: leaving or
staying. None of these options is easy. As my name said: I believe that kids need a father. They also need a mother. If the betrayed feel that the affair prevents him/her from being a good parent then leaving is the option- not an easy one but it gives a fresh start if the betrayed is willing to move on. IMHO it looks as if our society expects that a natural consequence of an affair is a split especially if the betrayed is female. I do not say that the split following betrayal is easy. I just say that in my humble opinion the modern society (especially the women society) seems to accept it more easily and even encourage a split, especially when the betrayer is male-whilst at the same admiring a man who forgives his woman's affair; in addition by leaving there is the excitement of a new fresh life. Mending a relationship after an affair is an ingrate, quite grey and not straightforward journey (the mind/will are at odds with the traumatic emotions). Moreover there is no excitement of any new stuff happening. Just picking the pieces of something you used to like/trust etc and of course facing the other people judgement: 'If it happened to me I would have left ''what lack of self-esteem to stay with a cheater'' etc Bottom line: IMHO not everybody can stay but it is worth considering this option and giving it your best if there are kids. IMHO three conditions for it to succeed: 1-the betrayer must show true remorse;2- the betrayed must raise himself/herself above all the negative comments that people might make and focus on the family unit they want to preserve; 3- the betrayer is a good parent to the kids and is even willing to become better after the affair. I think it helps if there are grandparents in the background and both partners see in them examples of what they will become by staying together. If there are no kids then it might be still a good option to stay (common past/friends/past/broad family on both side) especially if the partners are not young-provided of course that the betrayer invests what it takes to rebuild it all. Again: it does not mean that staying is ALWAYS the best . Sometimes the best courageous option is to leave.
But only the parties involved can decide for themselves what is best. They should never let the negative myths/comments regarding the affair influence them. They are the one who know ALL the relevant facts and feelings. As this French 'poete maudit' said: go if you want stay if you can...Sometimes you can't stay even if you want. So to the OP: it is a tough choice. Take time. From what I have witnessed an affair changes everything. The way the betrayed feel toward the betrayer is altered forever (less love maybe). However if succesful staying and working on the relationship often results in an improved dynamic on the behavioral aspect, in a stronger and better functioning family and in becoming more forgiving and compassionate towards other people flaws...(my opinion)...

Madmag’s this op was asking for people with personal experience- you are coming from a different place entirely- the outside looking in. I really don’t Think it’s your place to pick apart anything that anyone on this thread has said.

Anger? How odd that you should think so! What language have I used to portray anger?

I think you're being disingenuous now and are best ignored.

Not disingenuous, confused. After all, I’m not the only one who doesn’t think it’s a good idea to stay!

And low self-esteem seems a pretty weak reason to shag around on your spouse in anyone’s book!

And screaming fortunately it’s not your job, or any other poster’s, to police the thread or decide who gets to post from what perspective.

And I think you’ll find that my “outside” view is more in keeping with the general view on the thread, thank god, which speaks volumes.

Just my tuppanxe as well... Not married and no children. Now 2 and a half years down the line and I wish I had left then. He has tried to rebuild everything but for me it was ruined. As a PP said (sort of) I used to think he was this amazing funny likeable nice man and now I just think he's evil. I constantly still check his phone and his location and feel as though I'm just waiting to catch him out again. My self esteem definitely took a battering and I don't feel like I'm the same person I was in so many ways. My family and friends all hate him.

So it's easy to say well just leave then. But just this morning we had a lie in and a laugh and cuddle and stuff in bed and I felt happy and content... for a few days until the feelings start creeping back in again.

Another thing OP:
Whatever you choose try to not let the affair define you...don't rush in any decision. When you have made up your decision to stay or to leave -do your best to make it work and move on from the affair to another space, that you will choose...whether you leave or stay: raise above the 'betrayed" part...I stayed. It has been tough. It is still tough sometimes. But I am confident that it was the best option for me/us. I do not feel as the betrayed anymore. In fact he feels he betrayed himself. But the feelings are different. More mature. The kids love him more. He is more connected to them/to us. I think all of us are more compassionate, forgiving and less arrogant. AOnen anecdote: roneecenyly one of our friend had a masteroctomy. I must say that i am very proud that we found in the post affair trauma inspiration of how to reach to her and sooth her pain. She likes to talk to us/write to us even during her IV/chemo painful long sessions ...I am sure she will come out of it with a scar but spiritually stronger... (a bit like us after the affair...)

While it might not be screaming's place to police the thread, how about a bit of human decency and kindness, MadMags? Pretty much every one of your posts has caused upset. You're not a cheated on spouse. You have no idea what is feels like when the love of your life has cheated on you.

Your last sentence of that post sums it up really.

Francis, Im directing this post towards you because it seems easier to write when talking to one person.

If you ever decide you can't live with the aftermath of whats happened please don't think you have to be glad you got rid of the bastard etc etc etc. Im not glad Im living apart from my husband, there's nothing I want to shout from the roof tops, I don't regret marrying him and never will, I don't hate him and never will, I love him and always will, but for me it just wasn't possible to continue living together despite a good attempt at 'moving on'. I hate that bloody phrase by the way. Im 60 in a few weeks and I quietly live my situation without any public announcements of how I've never been happier because I have been happier.

The reality is there's just no need to say our lives together were a mistake when they weren't. Given my time again Id marry my husband again and not because of the children - Id more than likely have had other children with someone else. Id marry him again knowing full well what was ahead because what happened doesn't change or take away from what came before 'it'. We were very good together for a very long time, many decades in fact. I still honour my marriage and always will. You don't have to stay with a person to do that. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

What a lovel post Fionne. I know how you feel. I am still with DH and unsure, but like you no hate, it's more that I can't 100% feel quite the same kind of love and I am not sure I will whatever they do to try and make amends, everyone deserves someone who does feel 100% .

That’s a great post Fionne wise words indeed

I don't hate my xh either. I just see him as weak and pathetic, certainly not someone I want to share my life with. Imagine risking everything for a few cheap thrills, then begging and pleading when you're caught out. Maybe one day I'll find someone made with stronger stuff but until then I'll be alone.

Badly. He didn't really want to try but we were put under pressure by family to stay together and other difficulties in my life meant I wasn't firing on all cylinders, so I didn't have the will to end it.
He continued to see OW and lied about it and finally left after a further year of hell. That year has totally destroyed any residual goodwill and I find contact with him very distressing even 4 years on. Which is difficult as we have children.
I wish we'd never tried.

Fionne nice post. Sorry for the expression "to move on" in my post. However I must say that you come across as if you have moved on-in the sense that there is no bitterness in you and no regret of the choices you made. You are fully assuming your whole life. You left following the affair: you could not stay. Fair enough. However you did not let the affair affect negatively your past or your present feelings. I must say that I do admire you. As at now I am pretty sure that I would have not chosen him had I known that he will be so dishonest with me and yet I am absolutely certain that I am doing the best for me and for all of us by staying... Your post reminds me Edith Piaf song: no je ne regrette rien , rien de rien, ni le mal qu'on m'a fait etc ...well it seems that like you said the options post affair are not all or nothing...
pomeran it is not always easy to make a choice. It is not always easy to leave. I don't know why your self esteem is down even after a ciuole of years. I don't know why your surrounding hate him. I don't know why you stay if you stopped loving him and there are no kids. I just wish you can talk to someone who can help you rebuild your self esteem and do the best move forward-strengthening your relationship or something else ; be strong despite the critical voices around you....good luck!

I think one of the many variables in here is whether the ow or om actually want your h or w full time.
I've know situations where a man has gone back to his wife because the simple truth is the ow doesn't want to leave her oh or be with the married man full time.
That's a bitter pill to swallow and of course the cheater is never going to admit this, far easier to say oh I've made a mistake.
So many married men visit orostitutes. They don't leave their wife, usually the wife never finds out.
Very sad all round.

fionne what a lovely perspective to have. As I think back it reminds me that there used to be good times, happy times. We used to giggle and cherish each other, be a real team.
I think our marriage was breaking before the affair and was more a result of what was already happening (still not an excuse but I'm realistic)
Now, the love just isn't the same. It's like we are friends and it's comfortable. We can giggle and sometimes I sit there and feel like things are OK and then a week later I revert back to not knowing if we will still be married in 6 months.

it is the biggest heartbreak I have ever had. Resulted in two years of panic attacks and totally undermined my confidence. i tried and tried to get past it - but ultimately it spoke volumes about whether we had shared values or not on many other things.
I don't take marriage lightly and i needed to feel that I had given it my very best shot - but ultimately my survival instincts cut in and it is over to preserve my sanity and health. IMHO give it your all but put a time line on it. Be truthful and at the end of that time decide whether this relationship can last or not. If it can then it is fantastic and as many of the replies show - it is possible and it can happen. But if you truly believe it can't make you happy, then move on. You will survive and life will get better and you will laugh again.

Fionne thank you for your advice. I'm crying reading it thank you xx

@fionne. What a lovely post. your words have made something click for me and i feel i will sleep better tonight. You sound a wonderful lady.

It didn't work out at all well. He wasn't interested in therapy, and focused on what I should do to change for him. I was in my late 30s, was the mother of his 3 children, and he actually told me that he wanted me to be more like 'my 19 year old self'. Twat. I forgave him a couple of times, but he always went back to the OW, and is still with her now. I eventually saw sense and kicked him out. It has been an incredibly difficult journey on my own, but certainly no more so than if I had stayed with him.

My ex husband had lots of emotional affairs, joined sex websites, sent pics/texts and every time I found out I said this is the last time.

I was scared to leave him as I didn't want to be alone and thought I'd never find anyone.

I eventually did leave him in 2014. Lived alone in a flat for a year then my dp moved in and we had a child.

I don't know why I was scared to leave. All my friends and workmates said I was like a new person when I did. I just wish I'd done it earlier.

I've told dp if he cheats he is out the door. I am not going through all of that again. It'll be harder to leave because of our child but I'll do it.

I want to be a good role model for her.

I'm having daily meltdowns. It's 11 months almost since I initially found out.
He wrote her a love song and took a day's leave to go and record it.....and email it to her whilst she was on her honeymoon.
I 've said many times, "I've given you 27 years and 2 children, why have you never written one for me?"
Apparently, to write one for me would be a joke.
He's then sent me some things that he has written, and it's beautiful. He sent it in angry response to our argument last night.
Why couldn't he have sent it sooner, to show that he gives a sh1t?
Why do I have to beg for every scrap of affection to be thrown my way?

I'm having daily meltdowns

This is what stands out from your post.

The other bits are very sad but its the meltdowns that are more important because of the impact they'll have on your health now and in the longterm. They're seriously damaging.

I would say that the fact they're happening 11 months on is an indication that you need to be living this nightmare differently. I think your mind is showing you loud and clear that the current way of doing things is not good for you. Is it possible that you consider a different approach to things, it doesn't have to be permanent, it would be a way of you being able to eventually chose a future with or without your husband .

Yes Fionne, you're right. I need to be living it and coping with it differently, but I don't know how.