For those who stayed after an affair - how did it turn out?

[StarlightSparkle]

Just that really. I’m 2 months from finding out about my H’s brief affair and still feel so conflicted. One minute I think we can make it work then the next I think about what happened and wonder how I can ever forgive him.

For those who did try to make it work, are you still together and confident that it hasn’t happened again? Or if you did end up breaking up was it because he did it again after making promises he never, ever would? Or because you tried but just couldn’t get past it?

I’m so confused and it would be really helpful to hear from anyone who’s been through this and come out the other side one way or the other.

He did it again. The last couple of years since I kicked him out, have been so much happier. I didn't really realise how miserable I was, when I was trying to make it work, until I was out of it.

Never a good idea. You’re worth so much more.

5 years on. Kids were 2 and 5 at the time. It was brief and had ended by the timeI found out. Took counselling and time. So very hard. All good now. So so glad we stuck at it. He won't be doing it again and there will be no second chances.

In fairness, you don’t know that he won’t do it again.

No one ever knows, of course. But if past behavior is anything to go by...

I think it’s so very sad that women think so little of themselves that they’re willing to stay with the men who will disrespect them and treat them so abominably.

My sister stayed and 'worked through' her DH [first] affair. I thought they had done really well but about five years later he admitted he'd had other affairs since and left her for another woman (who he had not slept with, apparently, as she - oh what a moral woman she was - refused to have sex until he had left his wife, so he left).

We are two years on from that now, DSIS is still in a very bad place as it seems DBil was having affairs on and off for ten years and sort of living a double life (he worked away). They had been together 30 years and have grown up children.

I think it's so sad that a woman can see fit to denigrate another woman who has made her choice when it's different to what you think they should.

I’m not denigrating any women. I genuinely think it’s sad.

Put it this way; I have a daughter and I hope she never finds herself in this position, but if she does, I hope she knows her worth, and knows she deserves way, way better than a shit storm like this!

How is my saying that I believe the women here deserve better denigrating them?

Frances - I have just left my stbx after almost 30 years; I'm 58. You don't need a man to make you happy.

How is my saying that I believe the women here deserve better denigrating them?

You're saying that the choice to say and save a marriage is a choice that necessitates abandonment of self-worth and self respect (and therefore any woman on this thread who has done so has no self-worth or self respect). It's deeply offensive actually.

Choosing to try and repair a marriage after infidelity is bloody hard and deeply emotionally painful. Sometimes it's the right choice and sometimes it's the wrong one: we none of us have a crystal ball. But it's deeply patronising of you to assume that you can judge that better than the people involved.

I’ve never, and I do mean never, met (in RL or virtually) a woman whose esteem hasn’t taken an absolute battering by her husband fucking someone else behind her back.

You’d have to be a robot not to be affected.

And 99% of what I’ve read/heard has been “I stayed because of the children”. Again, to me that is someone making a massive sacrifice for everyone but herself.

I don’t think it’s brave. I don’t think it’s remotely emotionally intelligent. I do think it’s incredibly sad. I believe people are worth so much more than that.

Choosing to try and repair a marriage after infidelity is bloody hard and deeply emotionally painful.

I agree. So why do it? Unless it’s for someone else, which as I said, makes me feel sad for the women who do it.

There are so many factors involved that leaving isn't always that possible or the best option.from a personal standpoint I would say it's not easy. Your head may say to leave but your heart says to stay and vice versa. I think the best point to make a decision is ideally when they are in alignment, which can take weeks or years, I think rushing a decision is often the wrong way about it , but again it depends on what's been going on, how long, and of course it depends if the other person still actually wants the marriage or has been looking for a way out.

My father had an affair, they got back together, it was rough. Then within a year my mum had and affair. They are still tigether. I think it levelled the playing field so to speak.

I stayed and four years and a child later I discovered he’d never ended it with OW. They are together now and she’s welcome to him!

Op we have spoken before as we are in a very similar situation. It is hard going here.

I have to say, I regret starting the thread I did as it made me feel worse for days.

I would also say that, I never thought this would happen to me. I assume you felt similarly as do the vast majority of both men and women who are cheated on.

The people who, with no experience, say ‘I would never stay’ have literally no idea what they are talking about and so can be ignored (I said that before I was landed in this awful position).

In my head, thinking it would never happen, didn’t stop it happening. We all as people, have the ability to hurt one another. Sometimes we have the opportunity too. Sometimes these things meet and cause untold damage.

It’s hard to articulate what I mean, but it’s more this feeling that we’re all blindly moving into the future that is unknown. Sometimes it’s a leap of faith. Sometimes it’s right, sometimes it’s not.

At the end of the day, it will largely depend on how you feel about him and your own ability heal with his help and proof to you that he can be trusted.

I wish you all the best.

*prove

I’ve never, and I do mean never, met (in RL or virtually) a woman whose esteem hasn’t taken an absolute battering by her husband fucking someone else behind her back.
*
You’d have to be a robot not to be affected.*

Look, of course your spouse being unfaithful is a knock to your self esteem (although mine has recovered fine thanks- presumably that makes me cyber woman). But that isn't actually what you said- you said that women who try and repair their marriages must think very little of themselves. That's completely different, and doesn't follow at all's

And 99% of what I’ve read/heard has been “I stayed because of the children”. Again, to me that is someone making a massive sacrifice for everyone but herself*.

I don’t think it’s brave. I don’t think it’s remotely emotionally intelligent. I do think it’s incredibly sad. I believe people are worth so much more than that. *

I stayed for me. For what we had, for what I thought we could have again. I'm not asking for a medal: just respect that I was/am in a better position to assess whether that was the best decision for me than you are. I know my circumstances: you don't.

Choosing to try and repair a marriage after infidelity is bloody hard and deeply emotionally painful.* *

I agree. So why do it? Unless it’s for someone else, which as I said, makes me feel sad for the women who do it.

Some things that are worth doing are painful and difficult. Surely that isn't so difficult to understand?

Fuck sake
This thread is full of broken hearted (and recovered) women but there always has to be someone to judge and make everyone feel that little bit shitter eh?

Some things that are worth doing are painful and difficult. Surely that isn't so difficult to understand?

It’s difficult for me to understand how a man who fucks someone else qualifies as worth the pain and difficulty. That’s all.

As I said, I’m watching my sister currently live in her “saved” marriage and it’s truly sad.

And you only have to look at most of the posts on this thread alone to see hers is by no means the exception to the rule.

Sometimes you fool yourself that something that's painful and difficult is worthwhile - you've been through so much and you're still together - I know I did. But he wasn't worth it.

We are eight years post my EA (no physical contact ever happened but I completely absented myself from my marriage). The first two years were very hard, I nearly left DH but pulled back at the very last minute.

It was a rollercoaster for two years, he'd lost his trust in me and his view of who I was and I hated myself for what I'd done.

It took A LOT of work from both of us, many tears were shed and the arguments were pretty fierce at times.

But now we have an amazing relationship, a deeper understanding and a higher degree of honesty. And I can quite seriously say I would never do anything like that again. There were things in our relationship that we had dragged round for years relating to our pasts, and through counselling we were able to clear the slate, as it were, and start afresh as better people really.

So, depending on circumstances, there is hope.

This thread prompted a conversation between me and a good friend today. She forgave her husband after his affair seven years ago. We never talk about it now, I assumed they were past it as they seem happy.

She said she still thinks about it regularly, checks his phone, checks his mileage and cries when she looks at pre-affair family photos. I didn't know what to say. She said she's happy with her decision because it protected their ds from the knowledge of what his father had done, and preserved her lifestyle. I disagree actually, what a waste of a life. I take my hat off to anyone able to genuinely forgive and forget.

He did it again. And again .

I kept making excuses; new baby, low self-esteem. But no matter how hard I tried and I tried desperately hard; I realised I could not control his actions. It was a very miserable,unhappy time, for the wider family, too.

Really wished I'd told him to do one the night I'd first found out.

Yes, some couples do survive affairs, but, clearly, they are with truly remorseful men; rather than serial cheaters.

Regardless, your self-esteem takes a battering, either way.

I'm 50 next month. Where can I move on to? This man has been my life

Francis, there are plenty women posting here who's lifelong marriages ended after decades, and who were much older than you when they did. Personally I had been with my husband since I was 16 and when we separated I was 55. Im 60 now. We had loads of children and grandchildren by the time we separated and we're are all happy in our new life whereas my (still) husband isn't faring so well. Does it upset me that he's not doing so well and he's unhappy with were his choices led him? Yes. But like you I was demented with grief and I eventually had to accept I was never going to get over it with him so I had to try without him.

Am I over it? No, not really. But I'm happy and content and I don't hurt nearly so much. This way was far the better way for me and mine.

Oh and we have something in common in that our husbands both had much younger women in their lives - my husbands was the same age as one of our daughters.

Im sorry you're going through this, your heartbreak is obvious and I wish there was a way to ease it for you.

I echo what Florallee said. There a probably two types of men: the serial cheaters and the ones for whom it's a one-off. Mine is the latter. He messed up big time, made the wrong choices, regrets it and was willing to work at fixing it.

MadMags I don't think little of myself. I'm actually proud I stayed in an immensely difficult situation and worked hard a repairing it. The easier thing at the time would have been to walk away. But now I am better for it.