For those who stayed after an affair - how did it turn out?

[StarlightSparkle]

Just that really. I’m 2 months from finding out about my H’s brief affair and still feel so conflicted. One minute I think we can make it work then the next I think about what happened and wonder how I can ever forgive him.

For those who did try to make it work, are you still together and confident that it hasn’t happened again? Or if you did end up breaking up was it because he did it again after making promises he never, ever would? Or because you tried but just couldn’t get past it?

I’m so confused and it would be really helpful to hear from anyone who’s been through this and come out the other side one way or the other.

How much talking do you/did you all do with you OH about the affair? How did you get them to open up if you did? Did they ever start the conversation?

He did it again... 2 months later... with another woman.

3.5 years on from that discovery I am so much happier, as are the DC. I didn't know it at the time but they had picked up on the time when I discovered (unsurprisingly really) they mentioned it not long ago, about how I was crying lots (when I thought they were asleep ) and they thought it was their fault

We divorced. I kicked him out immediately on discovery of the second one. The fact that I was doing all this work to see if we could survive the first, whilst he just moved on to the next one literally broke me.

Now I have a far happier home, the DC are happy... but he also broke my self esteem... I'm gradually getting it back, but I still can't imagine a time where I could trust and let another man in so close. Hum, we'll see.

screaminginsideme. Quite a lot of 'talk' at the beginning but mainly me having steam coming out my ears and him saying he was sorry and he had no idea why he did it and 'couldn't remember' sat writing and recording these songs. (it was 11 years previously though) however it soon became clear that it was a bit of a 'don't go there' area I'm afraid and I can see the impatience I feel if anything triggers me. he definitely wanted it swept under the rug and we are still in that territory, although he did 4 sessions of IC which he initiated 5 months after confronting him. I think what annoys/upsets me more is that he has never ever brought the subject up again off his own back, the only time it has ever cropped up is from my angle.

I agree kidsneedfathers. I guess at the moment I still feel a bit in limbo/undecided about how I feel going forwards and have kept this back as my 'little nugget' . I also wanted I think to have a handle on if we are talking webcams or anything that for me is a total no no but you are correct, at some point I will have to have a 'talk'. I do find the secrecy disturbing, I'm sure its because he will be mighty embarrassed. its more odd to me though because he made a point of saying he wasn't that interested.

Yetmorecrap I did not think about webcams or spying stuff. ....i thought more about some agreements in place between you and some (or a lot maybe) therapy for him. ..I might be wrong but it looks like he has some needs he is ashamed of; if I am right then I should think that he definitely needs to talk to a therapist to help him understand these needs/talk about them/overcome them etc (they might be normal needs -i think that men enjoy more than women watching soft porn- but they have been repressed by maybe his education or something that happened to him ...they might be unusual needs etc etc) maybe it is worth talking about this ...good luck

*Screaming tonnes and tonnes of talking. For months. I don't think my husband ever felt comfortable initiating it, but when he could see I was distressed he would just say "I think we need to talk about how you're feeling". The first weeks and months were me double and triple checking details about the affair, and if I'm honest, trying to trip him up. I think one of the reasons we made it past the dark days was that he never told me anything that later turned out to be untrue. He never lied to my face during the affair either- just lied by omission. I don't know why but I would have found the former far worse. Even 2/3/4 years later I would have triggers and need to talk, and he would listen and try to articulate what he thought or felt (not his comfort zone at all). If he hadn't of done all of this I couldn't have moved on with him in my company. I did split with him for 4 months after discovery, but was pregnant with our first child (timing was a bitch with pregnancy hormones). I was fully prepared to go it alone and he knew that, and that talking and acts of kindness were the only thing that had a chance of saving us.

@Luckystar1 here is a link to the infidelity support thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3015947-infidelity-support-thread-for-the-betrayed-party

Thank you notnow. We are talking but it’s a bit like pulling teeth. He wants to be honest but keeps coming back to how it was 8years ago and he has tried hard to block it all out. I wish I’d known then. I want to know about the ea side of things. He is minimising and it’s infuriating!

@Screaming it may have been 8 years ago to him, but it's now to you because you've only just found out about the betrayal. So the clock has been reset. Minimising is common in the early days as the betrayer navigates through their guilt and struggles to take responsibility for the devastation they have caused. But he needs to get through that pretty damn quickly and move on to acceptance and remorse. Without this you will never be able to assess clearly whether it's worth staying to hear the rest. You have my utmost sympathy. It's the most horrendous thing to go through. If I were religious I would believe there was a special place in hell for the adulterers for all the pain it causes.

Yes you can I chose to forgive so there for couldn't bring it up everyday and bash him with it or I argument yes you still think about it at times you could be looking at him n it pops in u're head and you get angry but 2 years down the line I no longer think about we had a casual conversation about it a couple of months ago and he told me everything I wasn't angry it was honest conversation it's past us and things could not be better in a way it gave me a kick up the arse that I wasn't being the best partner I could as my nana always told me never give another women the opportunity to turn your guy always look after him at the time I took my eye of the ball but that doesn't mean it's my fault as it's not but I get why he did it fix the problems that u were having before these could have attributed to the affair and have a calm conversation as to what lead him to cheat we all make mistakes does that mean we give up our family and everything we have built for it no if it happened again then it can't be forgiven and I made sure I was the one financially secure but as he's my best friend I would help him find a property

My XH begged to stay, counselling and absolutely broken begging. I said no and ended it. Now he tells my teen DD that the reason he had the affairs was because he didn't love me anymore. Not what he said when he was begging to stay for all those months of counselling.

But then as my DD said ' the one thing we do know about him is he's a liar.' And she has a good relationship with him!

He continued to cheat with multiple women, and then again with the next partner. No surprise there as he's cheated on every woman he's ever been out with, he told me so. Why I ever thought I'd be different I don't know.
He was an abusive bastard too, what a prize.

Oh, and he sat in counselling with me and promised he'd never do it again. And didn't use protection with the other women he cheated on me with. Yep, he's a lovely guy...