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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

For those who stayed after an affair - how did it turn out?

138 replies

StarlightSparkle · 10/02/2018 12:05

Just that really. I’m 2 months from finding out about my H’s brief affair and still feel so conflicted. One minute I think we can make it work then the next I think about what happened and wonder how I can ever forgive him.

For those who did try to make it work, are you still together and confident that it hasn’t happened again? Or if you did end up breaking up was it because he did it again after making promises he never, ever would? Or because you tried but just couldn’t get past it?

I’m so confused and it would be really helpful to hear from anyone who’s been through this and come out the other side one way or the other.

OP posts:

Lweji · 12/02/2018 10:14

Why do I have to beg for every scrap of affection to be thrown my way?

You don't have to. Stop begging and stop expecting it. What's left?

Fionne · 12/02/2018 11:10

Yes Fionne, you're right. I need to be living it and coping with it differently

I’m sorry Francis, I thought my meaning was clear but I think at times when you’re trying to be gentle things don’t come across as you intended. I was suggesting that you have time out of your marriage in order to see how you feel. Even if it’s just temporary respite from the health damaging meltdowns youre having daily.

FrancesDestroyed · 12/02/2018 11:17

I'm thinking of staying away for a couple of nights on the date I discovered it. I'll go into work as normal but stay somewhere for a couple of nights, do a spa treatment and spoil myself.

yetmorecrap · 12/02/2018 11:33

I have a lot of sympathy /empathy Frances. I too discovered poems/songs --written and recorded. In this case looks like he kept them to himself but having seen the words and heard them sung and played by him, it is indeed pretty hard to get past, especially as like you, Ive never had a sausage written for me. Not even after 22 years. In my case it was pile of them in a drawer, not just one song and discovered 11 years after the time. (16 months ago) I did have some suspicions at the time as way too much texting was going on, but thats all I ever found at the time, I was gaslighted to and to be honest had almost forgotten about it till I came upon it all quite by accident. My head says to let it go but sadly our hearts dont always quite catch up and I cant quite look at him in the same way. I would have bet a million pound on him being totally loyal.

Fionne · 12/02/2018 11:52

That sounds like a good idea Francis but I was thinking more along the lines of a separation. It doesn’t have to be permanent and you don’t have to call it a separation. You could call it time out from a situation that is damaging your health.

Your marriage is broken and the medicine it’s been given right now isn’t working for you, it’s harming you, so it’s time to try another kind of medicine.

FrancesDestroyed · 12/02/2018 11:53

yetmorecrap it's so hard isn't it. I've given him 2 children and my life, but this hard faced little tart with barely 2 brain cells to rub together gets the romantic love song; whilst I cry out for it. Why?

yetmorecrap · 12/02/2018 11:58

In my case she was intelligent and attractive and 21!!

FrancesDestroyed · 12/02/2018 12:15

His is bog ugly, short, and as thick as a plank.
I'm 5ft 8, blonde, blue eyed, size 8 and have a degree, a masters and am a professional.
Ok, I've had breast cancer and a mastectomy, but REALLY?! Is a pair of t!ts all I am?

FrancesDestroyed · 12/02/2018 12:16

Oh, she was 29 when they were "together."

Fionne · 12/02/2018 12:21

Is he threatened by your intelligence Francis? Did he need to dumb down in order to feel on par with someone?

FrancesDestroyed · 12/02/2018 12:29

I'm not very intelligent, it's just the path I took.
I do think it was easy for him to look and feel good as, "man of the world who knows everything."
He was helping her to learn an buy a guitar.
I did A level music and grade 8, but she understands music more than I ever will, apparently.
This is why a song for me is so important to me.

RainyApril · 12/02/2018 12:58

It is awful when you know they're giving ow things that they never gave you. The love songs would have found their way onto Facebook if I'd found them! My xh is with ow and surprisingly discreet about their relationship, he doesn't rub my face in it generally. But every now and then I find something out and it hurts. It seems he's taken some annual leave so they can go away for a few days to celebrate Valentine's Day. I was lucky if I got a bunch of flowers from a petrol station forecourt. I lived for him, it is so painful.

ValMc1 · 12/02/2018 13:31

It happened to me after a 20 year marriage. We tried for 9 very long and difficult months to put it back together - it was hell for me and I made sure he suffered too. In the end I found out he had met up again with OW so that was the end - months later he was still begging to come back - told him where to go. Best thing I have ever done. I am truly pleased to say that he got back together with OW after 6 months - they are still together now 20 years later - I am glad that they have lasted after all the heartache and destruction caused to me, him and our children (and hers) - makes it seem it wasn't all for nothing. Mind you, it did take me several years to be able to think that. Good luck - I do know how very difficult it is - I kept a diary during mine, and read it not so long ago - pain and self doubt pour out from every page - but I did survive xxx

kidsneedfathers · 12/02/2018 13:43

It has nothing to do with the physics IMHO. It looks as if when men reach a certain position and age they want more flattering attention and exclusive attention. Their partners are often busy with kids/career etc and are not blinded by their social success: they are either succesful pro themselves or/and know well how much they gave up to help him have it all (a stable nice family and a career), and how ungrateful he often is. Oh young girls! Why are they so attracted to old men in a stable relationship with some kind of highly regarded job? More education is needed..
. These young girls together with the desperate women (there are quite a few around who for whatever reasons were unable to build a solid relationship of their own or find a man to match their ego ) are the perfect candidates to be the OW. There is some innocence and naivety in the young girls game (a lot of vulnerability too) . In my case she was a desperate one-younger than me but by not that much- who was deeply attracted to him (she is quite cynical regarding men and now lives with a woman...); she used a lot of subterfuge and stalking when she saw that I had little time for him and that he is a kind hearted man (she wanted him to help her in all kind of stuff... part of the ego flattering game) . I do pity her. At the start I hated her. Not anymore . He is to blame for everything. ..

Fionne · 12/02/2018 13:56

Kidsneedfathers, I recognised you from a few years ago. I hope you’re well.

kidsneedfathers · 12/02/2018 14:12

Fionne thank you. You are so kind. I am ok. I stayed as you can guess. It is a good decision. I do not feel the same strong bond I had with him. In French terms it is more a "marriage we raison" not anymore a "marriage d'amour". It is fine. He is a better dad. More considerate to all of us. Absolutely ashamed of it all. I am more connected to my inner self. I do more of my stuff on my own. I have more time to my hobbies and friends ..so it is fine ...I hope you have nice people around you...After I read your posts I must admit that I am not yet at your own level of kindness and acceptance ...i still have work to fo on myself I guess...

brogan1972 · 12/02/2018 14:18

Sorry to jump in, as I have no experience about how it can turn out, I am only 4 days in from finding myself facing the same situation and having to ask if I should stay or go. I think that I need to find out the truth of the extent of what did happen before I can make this decision for myself. An EA certainly has been admitted to, but I have many more questions that he has said he is unable to answer at the moment, plus minimising and lack of memory when pressed is exacerbating my fears. I would though like to know from those who have tried it, if couples counselling has helped create an environment that the truth can be shared, and trust can be rebuilt? I have an appointment for early next month, but know of no-one who has taken this route.
Sorry to the OP for derailing.

Screaminginsideme · 12/02/2018 14:30

for you brogan. It’s gut wrenching. I’m nearly 4 weeks out and I still haven’t made a decision. He booked a counsellor for the next available date which was 5 days after I found out. I asked for full disclosure from both parties( it was the OW who told me she was my BFF and the affair was 8yrs ago) it’s a rollercoaster don’t make any decisions yet you don’t have to. Get some space to grieve and think for a while. Every affair and marriage is different and how your OH behaves will help make that choice. My OH is desperate to make us work he deeply regrets it and is trying very hard. I just don’t know if I can get past the betrayal. I have a dear friend who went as far as filing the divorce papers- they got back together and 10yrs on are doing very well but she still never threw out those papers they are her security.

Luckystar1 · 12/02/2018 14:31

Brogan I’m 3 months into knowing. For me, we have good days and bad. I feel a lot better than I did in the very early days, so you can know now that things will get better. You must be in shock, I know I was. I knew the truth from day 1 though. I’ve had more details but the fundamentals of the truth have not changed and for that I am glad.

But my husband and I are in individual counselling as well as joint therapy. I’d say all are essential.

For me certainly, the Trust is something that your husband much earn by his deeds. Which include for now, telling you the whole truth. You can’t repair damage when the extent is unknown. He can’t expect you to repair something if further news will be drip fed later.

I am very, very sorry you are going through this. I can tell you now, you are stronger than you ever believed. I can also tell you, no matter what the state of your relationship, the affair was NOT your fault.

Screaminginsideme · 12/02/2018 14:32

Oh and there is another thread about infidelity support for the betrayed come and join our unhappy band

Luckystar1 · 12/02/2018 15:03

Screaming, could you post a link please?

Also, is it full of negativity and hate? I can’t deal with that right now (in that I have enough of my own I can’t shoulder anyone else’s!)

kidsneedfathers · 12/02/2018 15:12

I think what might help the first days/month's post discovery is:
1-the betrayed has to protect himself from feeling ashamed/guilty etc
2-the betrayed has to undrstand that the affair says a lot more about the OW/M (if they are not very young-in this case the OW/M are just silly immature which can be understandable given their age) and about the betrayer's ill and inconsiderate judgement/behavior than about who he/she is. Is it a fundamental flaw in the betrayer or just a non characteristic behavior? That has to be determined of course to help deciding later on whether to stay or leave
3-the betrayed must be strong to protect himself against the negative feedback of some people in his/her environment
4-distractions /doing nice little things on your own (that you neglected because of the relationship demands) help a lot I think. Just walking/reading/reconnecting with friends/enjoying the nature /some yoga sport etc can slowly but surely help.
The first days/month's even years after discovery are very tough...but then it becomes much easier and if with some chance you will be come out stronger and more in time with your inner self...
Big hugs and good luck to all of you who are now on the most difficult patch of this journey that none of us chose out of our own free will ...

Screaminginsideme · 12/02/2018 15:14

I don’t know how!

yetmorecrap · 12/02/2018 15:39

interesting what you say about fundamental flaw or non characteristic behaviour. originally when I found out I would have said non characteristic behaviour but since then I have found out (he doesn't know I know) that he has a 4 or 5 times a week secret porn habit at home when I am out. He has actually told me (post finding out about the EA) that he occasionally watches it when away but he is not that interested.!! I know of course that isn't the case, he is more than interested, so I now feel that maybe it was more a fundamental flaw and that he actually gets a bizzare buzz from secrecy. Its not as if I would have bit his head off if he had been honest, I might have asked him to cool the frequency somewhat!.

kidsneedfathers · 12/02/2018 16:41

Yetmorecrap if the secrecy disturbs you (and it can be disturbing i think as it can lead to cheating) then he must be willing to discuss it with you - why secrecy? What does it give him? Why does he need it?etc and he must be willing to work on it so that you reach an agreement about it...Oh well affairs do reveal their dark or vulnerable sides -don't they? In an afterthought that might be the positive outcome of an affair...good luck!

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