For those who stayed after an affair - how did it turn out?

[StarlightSparkle]

Just that really. I’m 2 months from finding out about my H’s brief affair and still feel so conflicted. One minute I think we can make it work then the next I think about what happened and wonder how I can ever forgive him.

For those who did try to make it work, are you still together and confident that it hasn’t happened again? Or if you did end up breaking up was it because he did it again after making promises he never, ever would? Or because you tried but just couldn’t get past it?

I’m so confused and it would be really helpful to hear from anyone who’s been through this and come out the other side one way or the other.

My decision to try is based not on fear of being alone or staying for the kids. It’s because I understand what led us to this point and I want to work on my 20 year marriage. Divorce for me would be the easy option believe me.

I think we all do what is best for us at the time.

I know I am proud that I (belatedly) showed him that there were consequences for treating me so appallingly, and showed my children that you don't have to accept being treated badly no matter how remorseful the perpetrator is. I hope I have set a good example to my daughter.

I was a sahm but now work full time and have a career I love. I'm proud of that too, because the easy option for me would certainly have been to maintain the status quo.

Tried to make it work but he was always going on about wanting to be "forgiven " . It was never the same afterwards . I questioned in my mind everything that had gone on in that time whether related to it or not - how can you tell ? The bit in Dr Foster where she asks him about it and he lies to her face and she crumples - THAT is the stuff that kills as opposed to the actual affair , the lies, the denial to your face ! I gave him a chance however after a lengthy marriage . We split 5 years later . I should have kicked his arse out at the time. No man = no lies.

These are very interesting to read as I am still not sure what the outcome will be for me and dh.
We are just over 2 years post cheating. I found messages that implied they found each other attractive but not exactly what happened between them. I'm still not sure what the truth is.
Dh seemed remorseful but it never felt like he put his all into saving us. I'm still hurting now, I don't distrust him and don't think it would happen again, but the fact they he didn't really believe he had cheated and has always maintained that nothing happened at all (they were definitely flirting in these messages and he's not even prepared to say that out loud)
Part of me feels like we will never get back what we previously had. Initially he wasn't prepared to make the effort and now I feel like it's too late and Im not prepared to.
We have a 4 year old though and to take away her dad and split up a family is not a step that I am confident enough to take.
For me its my low self confidence and low self esteem that has meant that I stayed. Half of me wants him to make another mistake so that I have a way out, but I'm not sure if I'd have the confidence to take it anyway.

It's a funny thing: I've been in the situation of saying "we've come out stronger" etc and all that - I recognise it and it was true at the time.

And yet, now a lot happier out of it and wish I'd got out sooner. Sometimes think I should have left at one point where I nearly did, sort of "sliding doors" moment - but then I wouldn't have my son, so no, it all worked out OK in the end. I ditched him at a time when I was ready really.

I presume cheaters don't inevitably cheat again, but I'd never stick around to find out again.

I stayed and we were married for 22 years. He had loads of affairs and I didn’t leave because I believed him when he told me no one else would want me. (Apparently I was ugly and had a long term health condition). I worked hard to keep on rebuilding trust every time I found out about another one. He was also emotionally abusive and occasionally physically.

I finally left when my DDs were 17 & 15 because I finally realised what a terrible role model I was showing them. I have never regretted it.

My DDs say they had a great childhood, which I’m pleased about. But not leaving immediately I discovered an affair meant I was deemed to have condoned the affair so couldn’t use adultery for the divorce. This isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things, apart from the fact that most of the family on both sides kept trying to get us back together. When I told them the real reason some wouldn’t believe me, and that was hard.

I’m now remarried to a wonderful man. The only fly in that ointment pot is I’m now a SM with all the challenges that brings.

I stayed for 3 years but the relationship was never the same. Every birthday, Christmas and anniversary was marred by his affair. I never got the whole truth which did t help either, he either minimised it or chose to not remember. This meant I never truely got over it or was able to accept it.

We split after 3 years, over something unrelated but looking back it was broken after the affair and I should have left then.

I'm 5 years on. I can truly say I went to hell and back for the first year or two, but in the past year I have started to genuinely be glad that I married my DH. He was incredibly remorseful, and did everything that he could to rebuild us. He still hates himself for what he did and on the odd occasion it comes up he still gets emotional, whereas I've made my peace with it being part of our past. I remember someone making the analogy that an affair is like a bullet wound - very likely to be fatal. But if you can dig the bullet out, which is enormously painful, and clean up the wound, then there is a chance at healing. My bullet wound is now a fading scar. I wish it hadn't happened, but it did and my husband had to face up to a lot of character flaws and set them right. He is now the man I always wanted him to be. If it hadn't been the affair then I think I would have divorced him over bein a selfish, lazy, man child. He had to face up to some very hard truths, as did I, in individual and couples counselling.

I think the comments about self respect and self esteem are unhelpful to say the least. I've always had high self esteem and was never dependent on my DH (if anything, I've always been the stronger of us two and fiercely independent). My self esteem and whole concept of love and marriage took a temporary battering during the dark months of discovery but recovered pretty well. The affair was never about my inadequacies, but his. It took me a while to realise this but i remind myself regularly. I don't worry about it happening again because I can't control that. But both my DH and I know that I will be far better off and he will lose everything if he commits the heinous crime of infidelity again. OP It CAN work out, but it's a bloody hard path to tread. But so is splitting. What's so unfair is that there are no easy options left. Only you can decide what's best for your circumstances. Big hugs for the days ahead.

I think the comments about self respect and self esteem are unhelpful to say the least

So do I and the following kind of comment isn’t nice either and not just because how would a person know?

the easier thing at the time would have been to walk away

The implication being that women who leave are choosing the easy option.

I stayed with an ex after he cheated. And he did it again, and again, and again. Went round and round in that circle for about 10 years until he finished it with me! And if I met him today I'd shake his hand and thank him. Best day's work he ever did.

When I discovered ex-P's cheating (prostitutes), he begged for another chance and I gave it to him. I was young (25 to his 44) and he managed to gaslight me into believing his sorry excuses. Anyway, he did it again. And again. And I stayed and tried to make it work, because I thought that's what you did if you loved somebody. Then one day something clicked in my head and I realise he wasn't in the slightest bit sorry and never had been and I packed everything I could into my car and left him.

I'm not sure it's something I'll ever "get over" in the sense that it's affected my underlying view of and feelings towards relationships and sex and monogamy: all my relationships since have been open ones, I can't see myself ever committing to monogamy again and I've reached the view that most people in most relationships are unfaithful at some point (and the research and statistics bear this out) so it's probably better just to recognise that and build relationships which acknowledge it. I don't mean or feel this in a defeatist or cynical way: since leaving ex-P I'm one of the most confident, self-assured, independent people you could hope to meet. I'm very happy with my life and relationships and, actually, it's a model which suits me well. But I don't think I'd have ended up here had it not been for having my faith in faithfulness blown to pieces.

I don't like the comments about divorce being the easy option.

Unless you've done it, how do you know?

Divorce is always at the top of any list of the most stressful life experiences, after bereavement, and I agree with that.

Telling my dh, my kids, everyone. Leaving my entire life, my home. Starting a career at an age when my peers are planning retirement. Visiting the jobcentre and the benefits agency for the first time in my life. Coping on a fraction of my previous household income. Facing the possibility of spending my old age alone.

Not the easy option imo. Make the right decision for you, but don't run down the women who made a different choice.

Six years on, happiest we've ever been. Genuinely in love, wonderful DD, life is what I wanted it to be.

I think a lot depends on the nature of the affair. My DH had an affair when our relationship was in a v bad place, admitted it to me very quickly and we broke up for nine months. Got back together. Made a lot of changes on both sides. I didn't have the months or years of lying some people talk about which I imagine makes things different.

The first few years were hard though. Only really got better after we moved house - I never felt right living there again. So maybe I displaced all my emotions onto that.

I'm sorry if I have implied that divorce is easy. What I meant was for me, to stay and face all our problems head on and try and fix a broken marriage felt extremely difficult when he had accepted full responsibility and had offered me a house and an income and full custody of our children and would have left me to it. It was a tempting offer at the time.

My dp forgave his ex as he didn't want to split up his family and he caught her in his bed with the guy over a year later with the kids in bed next door...

when he had accepted full responsibility and had offered me a house and an income and full custody of our children and would have left me to it. It was a tempting offer at the time.

That just sounds disengaged to me. But obviously I don’t know either of you.

But “I’m sorry, take the house, the kids and some money” isn’t exactly a fight for the marriage!

No he did it again and again. I wasted 12yrs of my life with him and very much regret it.
To top it off he is always making ME feel guilty for ending it and 'ruining our family'. He absolutely ruined my life.

I stayed after the first one then 3 years later he did it again. Then I left. I wish I'd had the strength to leave after the first time as I feel I've wasted my time being with someone who clearly had no respect for me or our child. The years that I stayed were not great - I developed bad anxiety and really the trust never came back. Good luck with whatever you decide xxxx

Some very sad experiences on here.

There's no right or wrong answer and nobody can make everything alright.

MadMags You're not wrong. Obviously it's a long story and I'm trying to keep it brief.

I've been elaborating only to try and say it is possible to get through a nightmare like this and emerge with your head held high, in control of your life and with a happy marriage. And that forgiving (a single not repeated) infidelity doesn't necessarily mean you are sad or weak or whatever.

When I was in the same position as the OP I came to Mumsnet with the same question (has anyone made it work after this? is it even possible?) and the fact that some people had managed it gave me the strength to give it a go too.

He had another one about seven years later , and looking back I think that's just the one I found out about. I suspect there were others.
Both times it was just a 'mistake'. He was devastated at me finding out, cried, was desperate to save the marriage. Blah blah. I'm pretty sure he'd have been devastated and crying the next time I found out too.

Thank you notn0wbernard. Your story is inspiring. All the tales of another affair years later really worry me. There are a lot of sad stories here. I’m just over 3 weeks out from being told of my H affair 8years ago with my BFF. He’s desperate to make us stronger but our last counselling session was tough on him he had to face the fact that it was his low self esteem that facilitated the affair and every failed relationship he has ever had. My self esteem is fine. I’m willing to work on our marriage because I wouldn’t have gotten married if I didn’t believe in until death us do part. We have a life together and 2 children. We have a long way to go and I’ve told him that we have to burn everything to the ground and clear it properly before we can rebuild. It has to be stronger. I’m under no illusions about the fact that the only reason he hasn’t had more affairs is because. No one else has offered themselves to him like she did. Until he acknowledges that and address the reasons why we can’t move forward. I’m hopeful that there are more negative than positive replies on here because happy people aren’t trawling the relationship threads on mumsnet!

I’m under no illusions about the fact that the only reason he hasn’t had more affairs is because. No one else has offered themselves to him like she did.

Jesus. He sounds like a keeper

OP, it's still such fresh agony for you right now and may feel like this event will define you forever. It doesn't have to. I think i was at the hyper-vigilance, PTSD symptoms phase at that point, which is sadly common for those in the discovery phase. You face a double betrayal if you were close to both of them, which makes it even harder. You don't have to make any decisions now. You don't even have to make any decisions about the status of your marriage ever again. You can walk at any time. EVERY DAY he has to work at rebuilding the devastation. That starts with full disclosure of the details, if you want to hear them. It means him taking ownership for his pathetic self esteem (this was my husband's problem too, and his need for validation from others). There are probably many other things that have contributed to the circumstances that led to the affair. There's a book recommended on MN called 'Not Just Friends' that i found useful. He has to know that you don't owe him anything. He owes you whatever you need, for however long you need it (be that talking, screaming, a separation). Only time will tell if he is a selfish entitled person incapable of change, or a misguided person that did a truly bad thing and will move heaven and earth to right the wrongs. His behaviour now counts for everything. Even if you give it x months or years to work at it you are fully within your rights to split at any point down the road. It's his time to step up like he's never stepped up before. Just keep breathing whilst these early weeks unfold and don't feel like you have to make any long term decisions.

Mad there seems to be a lot of misdirected anger in your posts. Perhaps it’s your sister you need to be saying these things to.