Do you tell your partner everything?

[Todayisanewday75]

I’m interested. Someone said on another thread that a lot of people have a darker side that no one knows about. I’ve realised lately that DP has sides to him that he doesn’t/won’t talk about and listening to friends talk about their relationships there seem to be so many secrets and lies.
But I’ve thought about it and while there are things I wouldn’t tell anyone else there isn’t anything I wouldn’t tell DP. Am I a bit simple or naive or are there really any completely open and honest relationships?

Well no, he’s not just some randomer to them either. There’s no one I know who doesn’t know my husband, too. Of course they might not be as close to him as they are to me, but they know him
I know my friends' husbands. I like them.
The fact remains if i wanted to share that information sharing then i would have shared it with him.
But i didn't.
So i share it with my friend on the grounds that she's not some gossip/serial oversharer and actually understands trust and discretion.

betrand is right.
Your husband is no different from the friend's persepctive than any other wider friend/acquaintance thry have. So he shouldn't be privvy to your friends secretsn

I don't think you should tell your husband everything unless the person who you are talking about has expressed it's fine to tell your dp.

My dp's brother told me (he'd had a few beers) that he had started seeing someone. Then he realised he'd said too much and said he didn't want the family to know yet so I said I wouldn't say anything.

And so I didn't say anything.

Hopefully that will also show my dp's brother that I am one to be trusted not to gossip. It's his business and he said he didn't want the family to know yet so it's up to him to say something to them.

I work out very quickly the people who you can talk to or not because usually if they are gossiping to you, they are gossiping about you too.

I work out very quickly the people who you can talk to or not because usually if they are gossipingtoyou, they are gossipingaboutyou too.
This.
It's why if my DH started telling me about his friends personal things i would also wonder what he was sharing out of our relationship.

Though i must admit we have a mixed group of friends and I've only ever heard female friends do the 'we share everything' thing.

Helmetbymidnight We’ve been married six years and together thirteen years, known each other for seventeen or eighteen years. I suppose I should have said together for many years rather than married for if you wish to be perculiar over word choice.

Primarkismyonlyoption You don’t wish to patronise, but you’re going to because it makes you feel superior in your view. We know; you’re jaded by your unfortunate negative experience. It’s a shame, but your vitriol about happily married or engaged women shows yourself, rather than them as you so lovingly claimed, to be pathetic.

I am, thankfully, still young and turning thirty next year, but it’s hard pressed to find many people who’ve been in a relationship with someone for as long as we have at our age. DH and I are very lucky.

I’m curious, just many years were you married, Primarkismyonlyoption?

BertrandRussell No one has said or suggested otherwise.

Age does change perception of life I agree but I've also known some idiotic 40/50 year olds who just never seem to learn anything!

I would have thought 6 years married, 13 years together is no more than the average mumsnetters but hey, if you think it's particularly long or Many years,

Doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together, blabbing someone else’s secrets is despicable.

Helmet 13 years together with someone nowadays is quite a long time. Many moons ago people stayed together for donkeys years but these days not many couples make it past the 10 year mark! They are becoming the exception not the rule..

and often if it's a woman telling you something very personal about herself its often something that's NOT appropriate for a man to know,
Keep it to yourself then. The fact that some people will gossip is a lesson most learn at primary school. It has never crossed my mind to assume that a woman will not tell her partner what I tell her. I know for a fact a friend of mine tells her husband everything we talk about. I don't really care because I filter what I tell her, and I don't give a shit if he knows about my health problems or concerns about my children's development (random examples).

I don't tell my Dh everything as he's a gossip. I expect him to tell me everything however as I'm not but I am nosey :-)

Seriously, I will always have my own thoughts that belong to no one but me and I respect that in others too.

Haven't read whole thread so pardon me if I'm now slightly off topic

Men are also the biggest gossips of all!

It's also saddening to think of men showing their mates in the pub the pictures on their phone a woman has sent of herself and her boobs/fanjo which is quite common.

My advice: Only share with people what you don't mind someone else knowing other than the person you are telling it too.

Not many couples make it past the 10 year mark?

What rubbish!

but your vitriol about happily married or engaged women shows yourself, rather than them as you so lovingly claimed, to be pathetic.
Except primark doesn't have ab issue with happily engaged or married couples, just people who use being loved up as an excuse to blab.

It's quite sad that instead of the default position being you are my friend and we trust each other implicitly the default for some is don't tell anyone anything you're not happy with others knowing becaue me and my man complete each other

Except primark doesn't have ab issue with happily engaged or married couples, just people who use being loved up as an excuse to blab.

Except that primark does have an issue with happily engaged or married couples because early on in the thread she says she judges all brides as pathetic.

I would also agree with BackToThe90s that these days, thirteen years together is a long time.

Well yes you only have to look at the divorce rate nowadays, or on here where there is thread after thread with people talking about splitting up/partners cheating/blending families. Relationships aren't like they were once upon time where it was common for couples to be married for 40/50/60 years. Life is just different now.

Unlike me, my dh was never interested in juicy details of my former loves - I like to know absolutely everything.

There is nothing in our lives together that we don't share.

Or though saying it I also wouldn't be naive enough to assume a couples longevity means they automatically know more about being in relationships. A couple in a long term relationship can very much be in their own bubble whereas someone who has had more relationships but less longevity in them probably has a better knowledge (especially if they have encountered abuse.) It's each to their own I guess.

no, divorce stats don't show how long people have been together nor do the threads in relationships.

Being together for 13 yrs under 30 may be unusual, granted, but it's certainly not remotely unusual among 40-50-60 yr olds: I'm genuinely staggered that anyone thinks it is.

The divorce stats I was referring to were for those being married for less than 5 years. If you haven't noticed the dramatic shift in people not staying together over the past few decades then I would be surprised by that also.

I haven't said people aren't divorcing, I am saying that 'not many couples make it past the 10 year mark' is utter bollocks.

Nowadays it is much less common for a couple for a couple to enjoy longevity like previous generations did no.

Either way I wouldn't tell someone anything I didn't want their dp to know because I assume they would tell them, even though I don't think that is right.

I agree 'not many couples make it past the 10 year mark' is utter bollocks.

Unless I live in some sort of bubble, every couple we know (and we have a huge circle of friends plus family) has happily made it well beyond 10 years.

What so you accept that your friends are not close to your husband as per your:

Well no, he’s not just some randomer to them either. There’s no one I know who doesn’t know my husband, too. Of course they might not be as close to him as they are to me, but they know him.

and you still think it is acceptable and are justifying sharing their private information with him? Are they aware you do this, have you had the decency to tell them that what they tell you will be shared with your husband?

It's not an uncommon thing for women to share too much private things about their friends to their dp, or other friends for that matter.

As soon as I learn they are like there I am very selective in what I share. I told my friend years ago that my (now ex) dh and I were going to try for another baby. Said friends seemed judgy because at the time my dd was just over 1 years old and thought the age gap was too small A week later another mutual friend mentioned it and I felt very peeved that my friend had mentioned it to someone else, and I can guarantee she went home to her dp that night to tell him the "gossip" and and judge. My 2 dc had a 2 year 3 month age gap in the end and hers had a 3 and half year age gap. If I ever mentioned things being hard with a baby and a toddler she would make comments like "oh well that's why I waited.."

From then on I became very selective in information I shared with people and use the phase "If you don't want anyone else to know don't tell anyone at all."