Do you tell your partner everything?

[Todayisanewday75]

I’m interested. Someone said on another thread that a lot of people have a darker side that no one knows about. I’ve realised lately that DP has sides to him that he doesn’t/won’t talk about and listening to friends talk about their relationships there seem to be so many secrets and lies.
But I’ve thought about it and while there are things I wouldn’t tell anyone else there isn’t anything I wouldn’t tell DP. Am I a bit simple or naive or are there really any completely open and honest relationships?

Of course there are lots of 40/50/60 year old couples that have been together for thirteen or more years.

But of all the people in my peer group, DH and I are the only ones who’ve been together for so long. The closest other couple is six years, which is less than half.

RedDogsBeg Yes, I still think it’s acceptable and no, I don’t tell them because it doesn’t go any further than the two of us. They don’t need to know I will tell him because it doesn’t affect them.

It's an interesting question though. I have told my dp things that I didn't even open up about when I was married. I've told him about the childhood abuse I went through, teenage antics, the termination I had when I was quite young. Yet I wouldn't tell him I own a vibrator! I think maybe it's because I find it a private thing I enjoy time to time alone when I just get an urge and wouldn't be interested in questions about it nor would I want him suggesting we use it together.

I don't think anyone's relationship is any better or worse if you don't tell your dp absolutely everything.

Everything? I mean I wouldn't go into every tiny detail of every day or my every thought. But we talk about most stuff and if I have problems I talk through them with him. We've been together 17 years and were best friends for about 4 years before that so we have grown up together really. I can't imagine not telling him most stuff in my life but if someone tells me something in confidence of course I don't tell him.

Yes it does affect them because you are duping them into thinking you are trustworthy and anything they share with you will stay just with you.

Why, exactly, does your dh need to know your friends private business?

What it may just be the way your posts come across on this thread but I suspect your friends do sense that you tell your dh everything because of the way you say things like "I wouldn't ever not tell my dh anything " etc. If you talk about your relationship like that in rl then they probably do have some idea.

"Yes it does affect them because you are duping them into thinking you are trustworthy and anything they share with you will stay just with you."

This. It's despicable behaviour.

Bertram speak for yourself - if you are a gossip that's on you, it's not standard for everybody. I keep my friends' secrets as I know what discretion means. Maybe you should have learned that in primary school.

Why, exactly, does your dh need to know your friends private business?

He doesn’t need to; I just like to tell him.

may just be the way your posts come across on this thread but I suspect your friends do sense that you tell your dh everything because of the way you say things like "I wouldn't ever not tell my dh anything " etc. If you talk about your relationship like that in rl then they probably do have some idea.

I don’t ever recall telling people I tell him everything, and I am the person my friends turn to when they need to talk, so they either don’t know or they don’t care.

Yes it does affect them because you are duping them into thinking you are trustworthy and anything they share with you will stay just with you.

Nope, doesn’t affect them. And I’m really not bothered if people think it’s “despicable”.

Saturday 14:54

"I couldn't imagine not telling him everything; it wouldn't feel right."

Whattodo...you're not bothered - but, long reply + you hide from your friends that you tell your husband their personal business

Ok then.

It's all just a bit sly and smug sounding, isn't it.

Using discretion is never a bad thing. I've been through a tough divorce so can only imagine the bitches woman I know going home smuggly telling their dh's all about it.

I think when you've been the subject of people's juicy gossip you see thing very differently.

So find out if they care by telling them that whatever they have told you you repeat to your dh at least be courteous enough to give them the option of having their private interactions with you shared.

What you are doing is despicable behaviour and it does affect them and the fact that your only justification is that you like to tell your husband all the details of other peoples lives is pretty disgraceful.

Your husband is not a paragon he will judge people by what you have told him about them, he may not openly let them know he does but he will do it all the same and you are betraying your friends confidence by doing this.

I did have one lovely friend who I confided in when I was leaving my marriage who I know didn't tell her dh. You just know some people don't thrive in gossip. She said she prayed for me instead and although I'm not religious I found that comforting that she did that.

This reminds me of the episode in Sex and the City where Miranda found out she was pregnant with Steve's baby. She told Carrie but Carrie just couldn't keep it to herself and told Aiden (who was her boyfriend and good friends with Steve.) She even had the cheek to ask him to keep it a secret because Steve didn't know Miranda was pregnant! So poor Aiden had to keep the fact his mate had made Miranda pregnant and she was considering an abortion a secret from him. All because Carrie couldn't keep her gob shut!

BackToThe90s I was talking about the people in my real life. Quite obviously I’ve told people here I didn’t think that needed explaining!

I really don’t care how people view it; it won’t stop me doing it. And to be quite honest, DH probably doesn’t even remember the majority of the stuff I tell him.

What have we crossed wires somewhere? Your post doesn't make sense?

Sorry, yes, just re-read your post! It still doesn't sound great to be honest. You don't tell your friends you tell him everything then say they usually come to you first, presumably because they think they can trust you.

My mum always says "you can't run with the fox and hunt with the hounds."

Of course he doesn't What and if that was truly the case why bother telling him? You tell him because it makes you feel good and proud that your friends confide in you and how you are the one they turn to for help and you can show your dh how highly people think of you that they trust you. You have no regard whatsoever for the feeling of your friends, if you did you would tell them that you share everything and allow them to make a decision on what they told you but you won't because it's all about you.

BackToThe90s Yes, sorry, that’s me. I got confused by your quote of something I wrote and thought it meant something else. I now realise it didn’t mean what I originally thought it meant but I’m still confused anyway 🤷‍♀️

RedDogsBeg That’s not why I tell him; you might want to do a bit more work on the bullshit psychoanalysis.

I'll ask you something, if one of your friends confided in you that her dp has a secret personality where he dresses in full make up, women's clothes, wigs, heals and gets her to call him by a woman's name and she was shocked and unsure by it, would you still tell your dh? If your dh knew him too. He would never look at that man the same again.

I had that with my sister, I never told my (ex) dh because that would have made it weird and uncomfortable and my sisters (now ex) dh would have been mortified if he knew my dh knew!

BackToThe90s Probably, yes.

Really? I would be annoyed with my dp if he told me something about his brother or sister that was so shocking (it was 10 years ago) it would affect how I saw them! Especially as he was probably told in confidence because they needed to confide in someone.

Fair enough, you’d be annoyed 🤷‍♀️