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Original poster

Do you tell your partner everything?

346 replies

Todayisanewday75 · 03/02/2018 08:56

I’m interested. Someone said on another thread that a lot of people have a darker side that no one knows about. I’ve realised lately that DP has sides to him that he doesn’t/won’t talk about and listening to friends talk about their relationships there seem to be so many secrets and lies.
But I’ve thought about it and while there are things I wouldn’t tell anyone else there isn’t anything I wouldn’t tell DP. Am I a bit simple or naive or are there really any completely open and honest relationships?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 05/02/2018 12:13

I actually find an irresistible urge to gossip more understandable than the utterly obnoxious "I tell my husband my friend's deepest secrets because we have such a special relationship that it would be wrong not to. And it doesn't matter because she'll never know I told"

Marvellousmarge · 05/02/2018 12:27

I have zero interest in how other people conduct their relationships, it's none of my business.

I'm perfectly happy with how I conduct my own.

MrsMarigold · 05/02/2018 12:49

Jeepers creepers, I now feel reluctant to chat to my girl friends, some things I don't discuss with anyone, not even my DH, my parents, no-one, they aren't very important to anyone but me. I wouldn't say it's anything dark. I don't expect DH to discuss everything with me either.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 05/02/2018 12:55

if your friend found out you'd told him and was sad about it, would you care? Would you say oh well, you shouldn't have told me..& then lose the friendship over it if need be?

MistressDeeCee Said friend would never find out, so it wouldn’t ever occur (hasn’t even once in well over a decade), but if by chance it did, yes I would be willing to lose a friendship because nobody should expect I will keep anything from my DH.

Do you like the thought of your DH looking at your friend and knowing her personal issues?

Neither of us put that much thought into it.

I think it's sad that the friends of some of the PPs probably have things they'd love to discuss or need to get off their chest and can't because they don't want people's DHs knowing.

TheGiggleLoop You can think it’s sad as much as you want, but my friends don’t. Nobody knows I tell my DH because it goes no further from either of us, and as I am good at listening and giving advice I am usually the first one people turn to.

FizzyGreenWater · 05/02/2018 12:55

I would not share personal things friends have told me with DH.

BertramTheWalrus · 05/02/2018 13:28

No I don't tell him everything. Some things I want to tell him I end up forgetting about, other things just don't seem important enough. Some things from my past I haven't told him because they are irrelevant, or because he doesn't want to know. I wouldn't hold back anything on purpose for fear of it being thrown back at me in the future, what kind of a life is that? I'd rather risk being treated badly by him than not live our relationship fully. I thought I was cynical, but seems I'm naive and overly optimistic according to some.
I don't get all the posters getting on their high horses about people telling their partners their secrets. If you want to be really sure no one finds out, don't tell anyone. If you tell someone, you risk the information being passed on.

BertrandRussell · 05/02/2018 15:24

"Nobody knows I tell my DH because it goes no further from either of us, and as I am good at listening and giving advice I am usually the first one people turn to"

I think that is completely disgusting. People tell you things in the reasonable expectation of confidentiality and you go running to blab to someone else. And it's OK because the person doesn't know. Ugh.

Primarkismyonlyoption · 05/02/2018 15:28

Its no wonder some women are completely fucked in the event of affairs because they have made one person their sole support and assumed that total honesty is both ways. All for happiness genuinely i am but friends are important.

PaulDacreIsStillACunt · 05/02/2018 15:42

For some reading this set me wondering about the idea of privilege in marriages in the UK, not something I know much about as I'm not from these parts.

I know in the US (almost all states) there is a strong presumption that marriage partners cannot testify against each other ... does the UK have that ?

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 05/02/2018 16:13

BertrandRussell There’s no running, it just comes up in conversation as it naturally evolves.

And DH isn’t just “someone else”; he’s my husband of many years, someone I’ve known longer than anyone else bar family and the person I’m closest to in the world.

Primarkismyonlyoption Friends are important, of course they are. Nobody is saying otherwise. But no friendship will ever even come close to the relationship I have with DH.

TheGiggleLoop · 05/02/2018 16:15

And DH isn’t just “someone else”;

He is to your friends though.

Helmetbymidnight · 05/02/2018 16:30

The way you talk ALWAYS makes me laugh, whattodo!
You're 28,no? The most you've been married is, what, ten years?

AfterSchoolWorry · 05/02/2018 16:32

No. It doesn't cross my mind to tell him anything unless he needs to know.

I bought a couch once and he was annoyed that I didn't involve him! Confused but it just wouldn't occur to me!

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 05/02/2018 16:33

Helmetbymidnight We’ve been together since we were teenagers and known each other since we were kids.

Not sure what’s funny about that Confused

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 05/02/2018 16:35

Not at all. Only if it's relevant to him or I think he'd be interested. Wish he'd do the same for me!!!

Helmetbymidnight · 05/02/2018 16:35

'He's my husband of many years'

It's funny because you talk as though you're a very experienced person.

Primarkismyonlyoption · 05/02/2018 16:44

I'm staunchly feminist in that women's privacy and wellbeing will always be as important to me as any relationship with a man no matter how wonderful. We are disadvantaged due to our sex and gender implications arising from thay. If we cannotvtrust each other we cannot survive in a man's world even thpugh many of those men are lovely. The system disadvantages us.

MistressDeeCee · 05/02/2018 16:49

I don't get all the posters getting on their high horses about people telling their partners their secrets.

Oh, I do. Because if you can't discern which secrets are inappropriate to tell - and often if it's a woman telling you something very personal about herself its often something that's NOT appropriate for a man to know, actually - then you are simply gossiping behind your friend's back. Because you can, and she doesn't know.

Your man may be King Of Your World but he's not King of hers.

MaisyPops · 05/02/2018 17:00

Oh, I do. Because if you can't discern which secrets are inappropriate to tell - and often if it's a woman telling you something very personal about herself its often something that's NOT appropriate for a man to know, actually - then you are simply gossiping behind your friend's back
This. X 100.

Sharing friend's secrets is gosisping whether it is to another woman or ypur husband.

A friend of mine is thinking of reconciling with an ex. We were on the phone for hours. I offered to float it past DH for a bloke's view. She said that'd be good. So i told him. But it would have made me a shitty friend to come off the phonr and fill him in on the gossip without her ok.

It's staggering how sharing someone's secret with another woman even if it's your best friend = gossiping. But change that to DH and suddenly it's acceptable because he's ny other half and we complete each other.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 05/02/2018 17:01

Helmetbymidnight I am experienced in having a successful long-term relationship, yes.

I’m not quite sure what it is you’re insinuating I’m claiming to be experienced in though Confused

BertrandRussell · 05/02/2018 17:03

And DH isn’t just “someone else”; he’s my husband of many years, someone I’ve known longer than anyone else bar family and the person I’m closest to in the world”
He is to you. He’s just ”someone else” to the person whose secrets you blabbed.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 05/02/2018 17:04

He is to you. He’s just ”someone else” to the person whose secrets you blabbed.

Well no, he’s not just some randomer to them either. There’s no one I know who doesn’t know my husband, too. Of course they might not be as close to him as they are to me, but they know him.

Helmetbymidnight · 05/02/2018 17:05

It's just your style. 'He's my husband of many years' makes it sound like you've bee nice married for ..many - 20-30 years. How long have you been married, again?

Primarkismyonlyoption · 05/02/2018 17:08

To be honest what and i really dont wish to patronise, but i am much older than you, and 28 is not mature enough to have full life experience. Your relationship like you is still quite young. Get to 50, and you will see where i am coming from. Honestly. No nastiness intended at all. But maturity and experience changes perception. You are answering based on your worldview and me mine. Will agree to be different but please listen to most other posters.

BertrandRussell · 05/02/2018 17:08

“Well no, he’s not just some randomer to them either. There’s no one I know who doesn’t know my husband, too. Of course they might not be as close to him as they are to me, but they know him.”

Still utterly despicable to blab.

Oh and i’ve been with my dp for 30 years. So I know about successful long term relationships too.