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Original poster

Do you tell your partner everything?

346 replies

Todayisanewday75 · 03/02/2018 08:56

I’m interested. Someone said on another thread that a lot of people have a darker side that no one knows about. I’ve realised lately that DP has sides to him that he doesn’t/won’t talk about and listening to friends talk about their relationships there seem to be so many secrets and lies.
But I’ve thought about it and while there are things I wouldn’t tell anyone else there isn’t anything I wouldn’t tell DP. Am I a bit simple or naive or are there really any completely open and honest relationships?

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 04/02/2018 22:08

WhattoDoAbout It's called 'trust'. I would only discuss something private with someone I trust deeply. So yes, I know they wouldn't then pass on what I'd said to anyone, because the 2 or 3 people I would confide something private in, I trust totally.

BackforGood You think you can trust them totally, but you can never know. You would never know if they were telling their husbands.

MaisyPops You can call it blabbing if it makes you feel better. As far as I’m concerned, I’m just sharing something new that’s gone on with my husband. It doesn’t go any further and they’ll never know I told him so it doesn’t affect them.

MaisyPops · 04/02/2018 22:11

Ah right. So it's morally fine to do what you like as long as nobody knows?

Nope. Still not ok. It's blabbering. Friend's secrets are not mine to share.

TheGiggleLoop · 04/02/2018 22:48

As far as I’m concerned, I’m just sharing something new that’s gone on with my husband. It doesn’t go any further and they’ll never know I told him so it doesn’t affect them.

But don't you think if your friend wanted your DH to know they'd tell him themselves?

Also how would you feel if your DH was keeping secrets from you? Would the "ignorance is bliss" attitude come into it then? Or would you be upset that your relationship was clearly not what you thought it was?

BackforGood · 04/02/2018 23:12

Hmm WhatToDo....
As you don't believe in trusting someone you know well, then how you you know that "it doesn't go any further" than your dh ? Hmm

CountFosco · 04/02/2018 23:14

You are living in a different world from me.

Or I have a more realistic view of human nature than you. I think you are being naive in the extreme to think that when you tell someone something it goes no further. In a small community like the one I grew up in it's very obvious people talk and make connections but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen in urban communities as well, it's just people are less connected and so it's easier to hide. But they do gossip. I have lived in every part of the UK and this is not something that varies. Farmers gossip, academics gossip, teachers gossip, doctors gossip, scientists gossip. If anything I'm more discreet than most because my expectations are low and because I grew up somewhere where everyone is so connected you can put together bits of apparently innocent news and discover something interesting. If I told my best friend something personal I would expect her to tell her DH at the very least.

m0therofdragons · 04/02/2018 23:31

Yes on the whole. However over the last 3 years in my current job there have been times I've had to keep secrets from dh. I don't like it but he understands. It's usually short term and then it becomes public so I can share but occasionally not in full. Having always been totally honest and open it is something I'm uncomfortable with but I also love my job.

History wise, I met dh aged 17 and started dating at 19. He witnessed my dark past through mutual friends. If anything happened to dh would I tell all to a future partner? Probably not - not in a secretive way just in a not relevant anymore way.

BackforGood · 04/02/2018 23:47

I'm certainly not naive Count, although I realise that is a common MN observation when people come across something they might not have experienced themselves.
Like (I suspect?) everyone else, I like a bit of "gossip", when "gossip" = 'news people are happy to share' as much as the next person. I'm naturally nosey (Again, I suspect like the majority of folk), but I am totally able to keep a confidence that someone shares with me, and I have a small number of friends that I know are the same.
Sorry if you don't, but that doesn't mean we don't exist.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 05/02/2018 00:02

Also how would you feel if your DH was keeping secrets from you? Would the "ignorance is bliss" attitude come into it then? Or would you be upset that your relationship was clearly not what you thought it was?

Of course I would; who wouldn’t? But no friendship will ever mean as much or even be a tenth as important as my relationship with DH.

As you don't believe in trusting someone you know well, then how you you know that "it doesn't go any further" than your dh ?

BackforGood Because if it did, I would likely have realised or heard something in the many years we’ve been together.

I also never said I didn’t believe in trusting anyone, so please don’t exaggerate or entirely make up what I’ve said.

MistressDeeCee · 05/02/2018 03:51

So those of you who use your friends' personal life situations as juicy pillow talk and gossip with your man - if your friend found out you'd told him and was sad about it, would you care? Would you say oh well, you shouldn't have told me..& then lose the friendship over it if need be?

Do you sometimes say "yes I was discussing your issue with DH, and...". Or in reality do you slyly never mention that you and DH talk about her lest she clams up and doesn't tell you anymore, leaving you with no juicy updates to pass on?

Do you like the thought of your DH looking at your friend and knowing her personal issues?

I can't for the life of me fathom why people make excuses for being gossips. Just own it. Then again I don't much admire men who listen to prattle either, I suppose.

Women need to be wise in choosing friendships or your life could be an open book. Just gossip fodder for people with running mouth syndrome who simply have to divulge confidences. Better to have people around you that you can (hopefully) trust.

Primarkismyonlyoption · 05/02/2018 06:56

Just wondering if any people here are nhs professionals and if they are donthey name and discuss their patients' details at home??

Primarkismyonlyoption · 05/02/2018 06:56

If they come home

Namethecat · 05/02/2018 07:07

Been with mine for 20 years and occasionally find out something new. For example before me he had a job that took him to Germany a few days a week every month or so. I knew this and have been tops the stories of his time/experiences there. Last week whilst chatting to friends found out a few times included Italy as well. Never knew he'd been there. So that surprised me.

Namethecat · 05/02/2018 07:08

told not tops .

deckoff · 05/02/2018 07:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeyondThePage · 05/02/2018 07:25

You should expect people to gossip, everyone does

No, they do not.

But then I have always worked in jobs where discretion and a legal requirement to preserve privacy are 100% necessary. My character fits these jobs well.

(and I have been married for 35 years so far - so lack of gossip has done nothing to sour our "connection")

Primarkismyonlyoption · 05/02/2018 08:06

Perhaps those with sensitive life circumstances can sense it isnt safe to talk so you only hear of superficial stuff.
I have had friends tell me stuff i will never ever disclose and feel no need to. I am glad they can trust me and feel honoured that they do. But my job also relies on immense privacy and discretion. So like another poster it is a character trait. I was never going to be in a dot cotton 'i'm not one to gossip' people role

Primarkismyonlyoption · 05/02/2018 08:07

Actually deck i think pillow thalk refers to after sex when people chat in bed.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 05/02/2018 08:14

Pretty much everything. Unless a friend tells me a secret & asks me not to.

WhiteWalkersWife · 05/02/2018 08:18

I think you might be right for some people primark, my closest friend has shared a lot of traumatic memories with me and always said how much she would love to tell our other close friends but wont because she cant trust them.

One is a complete gossip and everyone would know, the other shares with her dh but thankfully has always said she would so we have known in advance.

What would happen if a friend wanted to disclose something traumatic like that but only to yourselves, would people at least say 'i would need to tell dh' so it was known?

I think some people have long and trusting friendships while others have less longevity or less close or trusting. Different strokes..... I think though if you are going to tell your dh you should say to the person divulging but personally, having my two gossipy friends, i would also always say 'i need to talk to you about something but it can go no further, just us.' Before saying what it was. That way i can decide to share with them still or not, and know for the future.

WhiteWalkersWife · 05/02/2018 08:19

Unless gossip gets you off as dirty talk primark....

TheGiggleLoop · 05/02/2018 08:39

I think it's sad that the friends of some of the PPs probably have things they'd love to discuss or need to get off their chest and can't because they don't want people's DHs knowing.

In a way it's like saying "I'd rather you suffer in silence than expect me not to gossip with my DH"

Luckily DH and I are on the same page re:gossiping and both agree that it's not our place to pass on sensitive information about our friends.

Primarkismyonlyoption · 05/02/2018 10:29

Not really white....

anothersuitcase · 05/02/2018 11:10

My sister tells her DH everything. Really pisses me off, can't tell her anything privately that she won't tell him so now we don't really share as her DH know stuff about me that I even my DH doesn't Angry

deckoff · 05/02/2018 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

heron98 · 05/02/2018 12:10

DP knows all the important stuff and I'd never keep anything a secret. But I don't tell him everything because sometimes we barely see each other and just don't have time to chat.

I was off sick from work on Thursday and it occurred to me this morning that I never told him because he was home after I'd gone to bed and by Friday I was fine again. That kind of thing.

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