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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you tell your partner everything?

346 replies

Todayisanewday75 · 03/02/2018 08:56

I’m interested. Someone said on another thread that a lot of people have a darker side that no one knows about. I’ve realised lately that DP has sides to him that he doesn’t/won’t talk about and listening to friends talk about their relationships there seem to be so many secrets and lies.
But I’ve thought about it and while there are things I wouldn’t tell anyone else there isn’t anything I wouldn’t tell DP. Am I a bit simple or naive or are there really any completely open and honest relationships?

OP posts:
BackToThe90s · 05/02/2018 22:32

What if you hadn't cherry picked that post apart you would have read I was an abused child, that sort of thing does a lot to a person's psyche. Smile

MaisyPops · 05/02/2018 22:34

So gossiping about your friends' private life is something that just happens to come up in conversation.

I share lots with DH but I can't think of any time where betraying trust has come up. Sometimes if i want advice from him on a situation I do a 'mumsnet retelling' (keep the crucial bits in but keep bits vague/changed e.g. Someome at work has been asked what they'd do about X by their uni friend and they're after some impartial advice / i saw online... if it was me i'd... what do you think?).

BertrandRussell · 05/02/2018 22:34

“DH and his friends aren’t interested in that sort of thing; he is barely interested when I tell him nevermind passing it on to someone else.”

So why the fuck do you tell him?

BackToThe90s · 05/02/2018 22:38

I can see the conversation now:

"How was your day darling?"

"Oh good thanks. Went for coffee with Jenny, you know Jenny don't you?"

"Oh yeah Jenny, the blond one, went out with mike yeah?"

"Yeah, well anyway she has genital warts."

"Oh well, ok. So what she watch on the tv?"

Later that week at the pub:

"Oi mate, remember that blond girl that went out with mike? Friends with my mrs?"

"Oh yeah "

"Well she's got fanny wards. Gross or what."

"Yeah what a slag!"

I am of course taking the mick but don't underestimate what guys are like together when their women aren't about..

MaisyPops · 05/02/2018 22:38

betrand
Because that was they can claim 'we have no secrets/he's my best friend/he completes me' or whatever ither nauseatingly codependent reason justifies grown women being incapable of using discretion and keeping someone's confidence.

BackToThe90s · 05/02/2018 22:42

Be like Micky Flanagan when he gets home from the pub and his wife's girls night is in full swing with someone crying: "Funnily enough I was give that one a miss..." GrinGrin and off he goes to bed uninterested.. Grin

Primarkismyonlyoption · 05/02/2018 22:45

^^wtf?!!

RedDogsBeg · 05/02/2018 22:45

I asked that Bertrand and was told it was because they like to.

No, What you don't have to justify yourself to me but you should to your friends but you're not honest enough to do that are you?

RaindropsAndSparkles · 05/02/2018 22:50

Nope. Much of DH's job is very confidential. There is something i don't know about his father's past. There is something he doesn't know about my father's past. I have been told secrets by friends he knows nothing about.

I never know exactly what he earns. He is not life's greatest consultor. He once bought a house without telling me first. Actually he's done that twice.

30 years on though.........

Monday2018 · 05/02/2018 22:53

I would rather be totally up front, honest and have no secrets from by partner. I believe this strengthens the trust in a relationship. However, I recently found out that my partner was lying to me and hiding things from me. This has caused upset, hurt and a lot of damage to our relationship as I'm not sure that I am able to trust him now. I guess we are not all made the same.

FrogsLegs32 · 05/02/2018 22:53

I think I tend to pick friends who are like me. And they tend to pick a certain kind of man probably similar to mine.

My best friends fiancé and I drove across the country to get to their wedding together. We laughed and shared stories for three hours, some of it based on things we hadn’t told each other directly. I’m just as happy to tell him my “secrets” myself as I am with knowing she tells him too.

She knows I “update” him on her life when we’ve had a catch up. I would say neither me or my friends place much emphasis on the gender of our friends so we’re comfortable with it.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 05/02/2018 22:57

BackToThe90s I did read your post but I must have missed that; I apologise and I did not mean to cause any offence Flowers

If DH was spreading around information and things I’d told him to his mates in the pub, I would likely have heard about that over the years. I’ve never heard anything and no secret anyone has told me has ever become public or common knowledge between mine, DH’s or our mutual friends, so I don’t need to worry.

BertrandRussell Because it evolves naturally in conversation.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 05/02/2018 22:59

No, What you don't have to justify yourself to me but you should to your friends but you're not honest enough to do that are you?

I don’t care to nor do I see any reason to. You can call me whatever you wish to.

RedDogsBeg · 05/02/2018 23:05

It's blindingly obvious you don't care What, you care so little that you share friends confidences even though your dh isn't apparently interested but you tell him anyway.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 06/02/2018 01:26

It's very obvious @WhatToDos ppstdbare winding a few of us up but in all honesty they absolutely reek of smugness and insecurity. I think the amount of times she has justified in one thread
A. her husband means more to her than ANYONE absolutely ANYONE and everyone else isn't even a TENTH as close
B. Husband has to know everything even though he clearly isn't bothered
C. Lack of empathy towards friends feeling

All really makes her look young beyond her years, immature and terribly insecure.

And I'm saying this as someone younger than her, and in a loving secure relationship. Fair enough I'm not married (oooh the shame) but me and DP have far better things to talk about than friends secrets. I'd never dream of discussing so and so 's miscarriage, cancer treatment, rape etc as gossip fodder because me and husband have ran out of things to talk about. Hmm

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 06/02/2018 01:37

LittleMissUnreasonable Well thankfully the things my friends confide in me about have never been as serious as cancer, rape or abuse. And I have stated that if they expressly told me not to tell anyone including DH, I probably wouldn’t.

I don’t see any issues with being closer to my husband than anyone else. I would find it strange if someone in a long term relationship, married or not (and of course you can make up that I think it’s shameful to be unmarried if you wish Hmm), was closer to a friend than their partner.

I’m also very curious about what you seem to think I’m insecure about?

You can attempt to insult me all you like, it doesn’t alter anything and just shows you as someone who cannot put their point across without insult.

MistressDeeCee · 06/02/2018 03:50

Well thankfully the things my friends confide in me about have never been as serious as cancer, rape or abuse

^ Smart friends, they've got the measure of you alright🙂

BertramTheWalrus · 06/02/2018 05:50

speak for yourself - if you are a gossip that's on you, it's not standard for everybody. I keep my friends' secrets as I know what discretion means. Maybe you should have learned that in primary school.
Where did I say I gossip? I said I know others gossip, which is why I keep important stuff to myself around certain people. Big difference.
My point is: don't blame others for gossiping. Blame yourself for not keeping quiet.

MistressDeeCee · 06/02/2018 07:53

BertramtheWalrus as before - speak for yourself

Cubicfoot · 06/02/2018 08:04

I don’t hide anything, dh doesn’t either, he is too crap at lying to get away with anything haha.

He doesn’t always consult me first when buying things, like a new car, a small farm and an expensive house.. still wouldn’t change him for the world.

LemonysSnicket · 06/02/2018 08:35

Yup, he knows everything. The good the bad and the horrific. We wouldn’t work if we weren’t 100% open.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 06/02/2018 08:38

@WhatToDo

I was probably more insulting than necessary and for that I apologise but I think it's unfair you don't let people know you are telling your TH their private stuff. They may change their mind If they knew DH was going to know and you take that right away from them. Your reason for telling is that your DP is more important and number 1 etc which lead on to my comment about insecurity as you must have reiterated that point about 6 times on this thread . Also just because DP is your world shouldn't mean others falling out of that insular circle deserve no respect and are deemed as being idiots for telling you things. No matter how much I liked or was indifferent to the person, I'd keep their secret. But like you said of they haven't expressed anything major then maybe that's not as bad:)

LemonysSnicket · 06/02/2018 08:39

Then again we got together when I was 18 so we’ve pretty much shared most of our adulthood’s/ friends/ dark periods.

LemonysSnicket · 06/02/2018 08:55

Also I think it’s obvious OP means do you tel your other half your secrets - your dark thoughts, your bad actions etc .... not every detail of your day and whether you had a steak bake or a katsu chicken bake for breakfast Hmm

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 06/02/2018 10:27

^ Smart friends, they've got the measure of you alright

Either that or they’re just lucky enough to not have suffered so terribly badly. They confide in me a lot about mental health issues, family crises, financial woes and once or twice an affair. In our group I am the one people turn to because I’m a good listener and I give good advice.

LittleMissUnreasonable I think it’s been said by numerous others on this thread, but if you’re telling someone something, you’re naive to think it won’t at least go as far as their partner if they’re in a committed long term relationship, married or otherwise. I don’t think they’re idiots and I don’t think less of them, friend or foe, but I do see it as naive.

I don’t see an issue with reiterating said point. It comes about from different people asking me the same question repeatedly; they act like they haven’t seen my previous response so it needs repeating. I’m happy for my DH to be my “number 1” as you would like to put it; i feel it would be wrong for anyone to hold someone other than their children higher than their DH.

Nothing anyone has ever told me has become public or common knowledge, so there’s no reason for anyone to worry about confiding in me, and thankfully they don’t.