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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh wants to leave, feel gutted

136 replies

EnglishRose1320 · 02/02/2018 20:45

So I will try and keep this brief. Have been together for nearly 15yrs. Have ds1 age 12 and ds2 aged 7.
Haven't had it easy, ups and downs, started family far earlier than planned. Time apart when we were at uni.
However the last 4/5 years (until about 6/9 months ago) have been fantastic. Really worked through things as a couple, grown as a family, lots of lovely memories.
Our eldest dc has autism and starting secondary went horribly wrong, I had to give up work, ds is off school, attacks me most days and is very demanding. As a result I am tired and snap at oh.
I know things have been strained, I know we take our frustrations out on each other and I know we are not getting enough time as a couple but I had no idea how unhappy he is. Before work this morning he said he wanted a chat this evening about us going our separate ways so at least he wouldn't be miserable.
I have spent most of the day in tears (didn't help that I had a funeral to go to today) but I decided to put a smile on, call in a massive favour and find a suitable friend who could cope with DS1 for tonight and get our younger ds to bed so that we could chat. So that we could be honest and work out if we can work through this or not.
Oh came back from work and hardly spoke to me, I dropped ds1 off at friends, got back and oh has gone to sleep. I feel so upset and am trying to keep it together. How can he just sleep with everything going on. I have no idea if he thinks we are still together or not. No idea if he wants to try and work things out or if he has given up.
Any advice? Any tips on saving a relationship that is controlled by our child's autism? Thanks

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/02/2018 20:47

Wake him up and tell him you want to talk. Why are you sitting fretting. Give up a kick and tell him to wake the fuck up.

Rarity75 · 02/02/2018 20:54

So he just gets to leave? Because he is unhappy and you are left to do the brunt of dealing with the children? Fuck that. Shake him awake and demand a talk. It is not fair for him to walk away and expect you to deal with daily violence from ds.

If he is open to a discussion about staying together you need additional support to take some pressure off. I don’t doubt for a second that your sons disability is very challenging for you both. I also doubt you are very happy do why does he get to up sticks and bog off?

Rarity75 · 02/02/2018 20:54

So not do

Sparrowlegs248 · 02/02/2018 20:55

Wake him up!! He can't drop that sort of bomb then just leave it.

Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 02/02/2018 20:55

If I wake him and he hasn't had enough of a nap he will just be irratable and then we won't be able to chat anyway. I don't want it to descend into to bickering. He works a very long day, I don't imagine he meant to fall asleep.
Equally I know tip toeing around him and avoiding the chat isn't going to help either. Feel totally torn.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 02/02/2018 20:56

I also doubt he would leave, I'm pretty sure he will expect me to leave with the ds'

OP posts:
Rarity75 · 02/02/2018 20:57

Really? He expects you to leave? Are you renting or mortgages?

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2018 20:58

You're worried he will be irritable because he works long hours? You cannot be serious. Just wake him. He's a grown up, not a child.

ITCouldBeWorse · 02/02/2018 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 02/02/2018 21:00

The house is his not mine.

Sleep wise, neither of us have had more than a couple of hours sleep for the last month or so, so we both have a massive sleep debt which doesn't help things.
Gonna eat my dinner and wake him when I have finished if he isn't up by then.

OP posts:
BuckingFrolicks2 · 02/02/2018 21:03

Good god he sounds utterly awful.

At least he wont be unhappy? What a total prick. I'm really sorry. Wake him up and kick him out. Utterly unacceptable behaviour from him.

BuckingFrolicks2 · 02/02/2018 21:03

Married or not?

buckeejit · 02/02/2018 21:04

That's crap.

Start a list of options to go through with him & how things will look if you split vs what you think needs to happen to try to save the relationship.

Tell him what you've told us about things being good until school & see if he agrees, then talk out what he thinks too
If you've wrote all the joint stuff before he wakes start a list of what you'd need to address logistically if you split. Just as a distraction& for you to be in the best position of you don't work things out. Have a glass of wine if you need but no more as it could make you feel worse. Good luck

dubmumof2 · 02/02/2018 21:11

I know that you were shocked by the earlier conversation and I can only imagine how you must have developed patience and resilience in trying to do your best for your ds.

But do you really think that your OH will ask you and your two DSs to leave your shared family home so that "he" at least can be happy? Or do you think his saying so this morning is just a throwaway controlling remark that you are used to hearing?

If you thought it was significant enough to make what seems like a rare arrangement to have your DS minded, then why aren't you waking him up to have that chat? Are you afraid?

On so many levels he seems completely out of order, in my view.

I am so sorry that he feels it's ok to treat you like this and that you seem to have to almost solely care for your DS Flowers

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2018 21:14

Ok, so you're unmarried, unemployed and have no right to property as you live in his home?

When you're eating your dinner think through the options. He is as much responsible for the kids as you are, inc providing a roof over their head and caring for them. He cannot just chuck his kids out. And I think legally you can get an order to stay for up to six months at a time.

You do need to talk, but be clear on what the implications are. Not in a threatening way.

The key question is why is he miserable and does he wish to work at the relationship. If the answer is no, it's all about the best practical solution. If the answer is yes, then counselling may be the answer.

If you resolve it, you need to immediately start to think about your own security.

sosadforhim · 02/02/2018 21:14

He drops a bombshell and is then able to sleep whilst you're beside yourself? That's bad form. I hope he's up now and you have a good discussion. Sounds like the fight or flight scenario and of he's been deciding to flee or chuck you all out (wtf) then you need to know exactly what he's expecting. Then you can arm yourself with what you need. So sorry op, sounds like you've all been going through tough times. His attitude at the moment, though, is disappointing to say the least :-(

sosadforhim · 02/02/2018 21:16

You've had some good advice from previous posters. X

Primarkismyonlyoption · 02/02/2018 21:19

WAKE.HIM.UP

Gemini69 · 02/02/2018 21:19

I'm so sorry.... Flowers

WildWindsBlowing · 02/02/2018 21:20

Gonna eat my dinner and wake him when I have finished if he isn't up by then I think you should wake him up, give him the dinner too with plenty of coffee afterwards, and say you must take this chance to talk
which you have gone to a lot of trouble to set up after what he said.

Don't leave him sleeping or he'll get groggier and groggier.
I am very sorry you are in this position. Well done for how you've looked after your children all this time. You should be proud of yourself.

Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 02/02/2018 21:26

He just snapped at me for trying to wake him. He is going to head to the shops and then chat when he gets back apparently. Why is he being such a jerk, he isn't normally like this

OP posts:
Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 02/02/2018 21:27

Wildwindsblowing- I offered to cook him dinner, I messaged him at lunch and asked him but he wants to cook his own dinner, it's his post work destress activity.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/02/2018 21:28

op, the conversation won't be easy for him either, seems like he's stalling because that's human nature.

Keep thinking of your options, try to be calm during it, and good,luck.

Qvar · 02/02/2018 21:31

It’s easy for him because he’s already mentally moved on. I’m so sorry.

Do NOT move out. Refuse point blank. Remind him that whether or not he leaves you, he remains a father.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/02/2018 21:31

Tell him you'll leave but the children are staying with him because it's their home. Make the fucker say out loud that he doesn't want his children. Maybe that will help at least encourage him towards not fucking you over financially.

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