Oh wants to leave, feel gutted

[EnglishRose1320]

So I will try and keep this brief. Have been together for nearly 15yrs. Have ds1 age 12 and ds2 aged 7.
Haven't had it easy, ups and downs, started family far earlier than planned. Time apart when we were at uni.
However the last 4/5 years (until about 6/9 months ago) have been fantastic. Really worked through things as a couple, grown as a family, lots of lovely memories.
Our eldest dc has autism and starting secondary went horribly wrong, I had to give up work, ds is off school, attacks me most days and is very demanding. As a result I am tired and snap at oh.
I know things have been strained, I know we take our frustrations out on each other and I know we are not getting enough time as a couple but I had no idea how unhappy he is. Before work this morning he said he wanted a chat this evening about us going our separate ways so at least he wouldn't be miserable.
I have spent most of the day in tears (didn't help that I had a funeral to go to today) but I decided to put a smile on, call in a massive favour and find a suitable friend who could cope with DS1 for tonight and get our younger ds to bed so that we could chat. So that we could be honest and work out if we can work through this or not.
Oh came back from work and hardly spoke to me, I dropped ds1 off at friends, got back and oh has gone to sleep. I feel so upset and am trying to keep it together. How can he just sleep with everything going on. I have no idea if he thinks we are still together or not. No idea if he wants to try and work things out or if he has given up.
Any advice? Any tips on saving a relationship that is controlled by our child's autism? Thanks

Could he be seeing someone else? He sounds remarkably checked out of your relationship already.

This is not the fault of your child or you but he seems to be saying it is. He is making very little effort to help and a lot to criticise. Your desire to make him smile again is heart wrenching. He doesn't give a shit if you sit there crying after he has tole you and kids to leave so he can feel better.

He cares very little. Maybe he is on the spectrum, maybe he isn't;t. However do you want to have to have a high maintenance DH? Do you want to have to treat him very carefully to keep him happy? To always take the brunt of the work?

You are in a precarious position financially. He does not seem to care. He is probably chatty because he is glad he has told you he wants to leave.

Ive been where you are. It is shit. But i really dont think you should be dancing around him to see him smile. He doesn't;t care.

And i would bet there was someone else and he will justify it by telling you that he didn't;t get any attention and you were too angry/tired/no fun.

Lots of people have already said it, but you need to get back to work. If you can't get DS into school or sort out other arrangements, then it will need to be weekends/ evenings while his father is at home.
Your situation is awful, but you need to take back some control. You need an income.

Is there any way you can get your DS back into school? It would either give you a break or the possibility of a job.

But whatever way you look at it you should get legal advice. You cannot trust him now.

Yes...I agree that you are financially in a vulnerable position.

He may well have an OW ..and has thrown this out...do he can say he tried to ease his conscience when he finally declares it's over.

Try and seek advice on housing and benefits of you go your separate ways.

Oh is definitely not having an affair. That's not a concern at all. If he was and that was the reason for how he feels he wouldn't try and hide it.

Job wise I have looked at doing evening shifts of some sort but atm I am only getting about 2/3 hours sleep on a good night and none on a bad night. If I started a job DS is likely to refuse sleep altogether and I don't think I can cope with that.

I don't need to be financially getting myself safe, I know where I will live and how I will cope if we do separate but I am not planning the details because then I am as good as checking myself out of this relationship.

Our main issues are working out how to communicate and parent together under massive stress and navigating enormous amounts of unpredictable behavouir and a very mentally ill child. I wanted advice on how to go about that and how to get him to see that he needs to put more effort in and for those who have, thank you.

I’m guessing if you say you went on an autism parenting course that you are now trying to implement the techniques you learned there, and when you say he had trouble implementing them at home he has reverted to your previous method of parenting, and this is causing conflict. I would say you may need to try to persuade him that the advice you received came from experts, while at the same time keeping an open mind to the fact that that does not necessarily mean they will work for your child. But from what I know moving up to secondary school can be a massive trigger for autistic children which it obviously was for your DS, and it will take time for him to settle to a new routine. I suppose what you are saying is your OH doesn’t get that, and he is blaming you for the upheaval.

Regarding applying for social housing if you were to do that, I’m sure if you made the case that your DS has a disability that necessitates he has his own bedroom you may be eligible for a 3 bedroom property.

He wants out because he doesn't want to cope with the stresses of everyday life.

His house or not.. Any person who can kick their children out of their home is a dick.

Why don't you go away for a day or two and let him be in your shoes with regards to caring for your dc and see how he gets on.

He’s a selfish prick. I am furious for you OP. You do seem (in my untrained mind anyway) in a fairly vulnerable position though. Don’t move out x

We had a better chat today and agreed to a few things

Date nights every fortnight for us time.
Family time every week.
Oh to come to at least one important appointment/meeting/training every half term with regards to ds1.
Both of us to try and not take advice from the other regarding parenting negatively and sit down and be open to hearing what the other has to say.
Oh looking after ds1 more so I can get some much needed 1:1 time with Ds2.
Make a list together of what needs doing around the house and tackle it together or divide it fairly.
Give me time/opportunity to find a purpose apart from being a mum, whether that be work/training/work from home/volunteer etc.

We know it won't happen overnight, some will take longer than others, most will be on going.
Oh confessed to how far along the separating route he had gone, he had looked into the legal side, planned what would happen and that was why he snapped in the morning, because he had been planning an escape in his head to cope and it had become a real option. That scares me and I know we are a long way off being safe. I know we both have to work hard but their is a lot to lose if we don't so hopefully we can both do this.

EnglishRosethat is a seriously impressive plan.
Your calmness and determination to try and save your marriage, when you're already coping with DSs distressing difficulties is the the most admirable thing I've read on MN for a long time.

I wish you and your family all the best, hope better times are round the corner.

Thank you Dancing ledge, I have been known to be a bit stubborn about things at times!

Did he get across to you why he'd gone that far without communicating what it was that was making him think that was your only option. All of things you've agreed sound great really good I just wondered which ones of those he felt were missing. You and him time. Not enough input into parenting decisions ect.

He says he has tried to broach it loads of times before and I haven't even noticed. He did accept that trying to engage with my around midnight after I had been up since 6 and dealing with meltdown after meltdown all day wasn't the best approach. So essentially we stopped listening to each other and didn't really even notice because we were both so focused on dealing with trying to survive each minute/hour/day

So a few things here....

They are his children also. In his mind if you separated and took the boys would he expect to have them ....or just visit? In the former then he needs time alone with them to understand the reality of how it will be without you. In his mind he's imaging without you....put it into practice...I really would go for a weekend and let him cope - this is the reality of what he is asking after all.

If he has already looked at the financial side to see his position...and is as calm and able to sleep then it feels like mentally he has checked out of your relationship. So if you and the children weren't there....what then for him....a single life where he is free to do his own thing and find a new relationship? No way.....he is their father and needs to share care. He doesn't get to check out. You say he's not having an affair, but many times when a partner can that coldly check out and formally investigate their rights....there is someone they are talking to or is being supportive of their actions. No one does these things without confusing in someone else on their course of action.

I hope things do work out for you....but don't brunt all the responsibilities!! x

TracyL74 he may have spoken to a close friend about how he feels but he genuinely does make most decisions himself without seeking advice/confiding in anyone. One of the issues is how closed off he can be.
Hopefully he has taken on board a lot of what I have said this weekend and we will just have to take each day as it comes.

He offered to have ds1 for the weekend so I could take ds2 down to see my parents but ds1 is very reluctant to stay with him because he does so little of the day to day care so he is going to start building up how much he looks after him.

Re sleeping.

Presumably sleeping tablets / melatonin for DS1 aren't the answer?

Can you sleep at a friends once a week to catch up?

You have thought of and agreed some very useful points. But have you discussed your relative financial positions? From the brief information in your posts, they sound seriously out of whack. My thoughts for what they are worth are below, but since you haven't mentioned your financial situation in detail, they could be off the mark.
DS1 is 12 and it sounds like you have been his main carer 24/7 and will continue to be for many years. You also sound like you bear a greater share of the parenting demands for DS2. You really ought to have your contribution to your children reflected in your relative financial positions. If not for your own sake, then for your children's sake. It's possible that one day you will separate and you will end up as their primary carer. After all your OH has admitted he has already come close to initiating that future scenario. By not discussing a fairer arrangement you are limiting your future quality of life.
Imagine what it would have cost your family to pay someone to do what you have done; not to mention that you can't buy love nor a lifetime's commitment. And imagine what sort of contribution a father ought to be willing to make to the mother of his children, who has made herself available for more than a decade. And what has he been able to earn by virtue of his children being cared for by a loving person freeing up his time and mental energies?

If you discussed adding your name to the property (or at least giving you a share of the property), you would be on a more equal footing when discussing other aspects of the future. By the sounds of it, you have a lot more to lose than him if you walk away. They way things stand, I wouldn't be surprised if you find that you work harder than him on keeping your relationship together.
In some countries, if you separated as an unmarried couple you would be able to argue legally for a fairer share of the property based on contributions to children, but it would be an uphill battle. In the UK, your rights are more limited if you separate as an unmarried couple. You can argue for the children having a right to the property after you separate, but not you per se. It might be useful to find out, how he really thinks about you. Does he see you as his partner to whom he is committed? Or does he see you as his children's carer who is paid board and lodgings? Are you happy with that for your yourself, and for your children's sake?

HiEnglishRose thinking of you.

Teen- Yeap his melatonin doesn't work anymore, cahms and gp are in discussion over who should prescribe something stronger.

Freda- my financial position is non existent but I am fully aware of that and know I can't change it.

Dancing- thanks, slightly better day yesterday but lots of tiptoeing around each other.

Sometimes irritability & difficulty sleeping can improve with high quality supplements. Does he refuse foods ? If so you could try multivitamin jubes with added vegies in them ( sweet & easy to chew or swallow) , tablets that dissole into a fizzy Vitamin B or magnesium drink , fruit smoothies I notice my son's mood is improved when I add this to his diet Magnesium drink is excellent to promote sleep Epsom salts bath can help.

You are a wonderful Mum! Sorry your son is struggling and not coping, Must be very frightening time for him and scary & wearing for you all. I hope he can find support to improve as he goes through the teen years. Sending hugs for you & family as you go through this extremely diificult time He wont be a teen forever. I hope things can settle down for you all soon . . xxoo

Midsummabreak- thanks, we give him daily multivitamins but he won't have anything else, doesn't like drinks apart from water and milk and he can tell if you put anything in the milk.

It’s great that you had a good chat and have agreed a plan, but to be honest the plan reads as if you have been the one to give the ultimatum to him rather than vice versa. More school meetings, more housework, more me time for you, more sole care of DS1 for him including sole weekend care, more family time. Don’t get me wrong, you deserve an even split and I’m not saying he shouldn’t be pulling his weight and doing these things, but you said he already works a long day and is shattered. I can’t see the plan making your DH any less miserable or exhausted. Is there any way you can add things like you both getting decent free time and lie ins. It’s just that I can see him coming back to you in a short time and saying he gave it a go and it didn’t work so he wants to revert to plan A again.

It sounds to me like your OH is a bit controlling to be honest. He wants your attention, and now he is losing his own Mum to dementia I guess he was going to look more towards you then to be the Mother and provider of love to him.
But then it emerges over the years that your son needs you more. Your son 'controls' you and your behaviour and your OH doesn't like anything that takes your attention away from him. So we get the kicking off...you don't love me anymore, I'm leaving. Flounce, huff, goes to sleep to escape, silent treatment, I don't want to play anymore this is stupid game because your favourite gets to win all the time... type of thing. It's still emotionally abusive behaviour towards you and you rightly should stand up to him about being treated like that.
There is plenty he can do to get closer to your son without taking up loads of his time. Just the meal and going to bed routines etc. You will have to let your OH in to some of those areas. Even one small thing like taking him the bedtime drink every night. Something that just Dad does. And build from there.
Then you need you time and your OH needs his time - each of your on your own taking time away from the family to do something you enjoy.

So sorry to hear your situation. You have only so much of yourself to go round and it sounds as though you are being/have been stretched to the limit. Agree with others that getting your OH involved gradually with your son's care would be a good idea. Also, have you explored the idea of a special school for your son? They have fantastic staff and facilities and it would give you some time to yourself and/or get some term time work? You sound an amazing Mum, but there are others out there who can help you.