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Original poster

Oh wants to leave, feel gutted

136 replies

EnglishRose1320 · 02/02/2018 20:45

So I will try and keep this brief. Have been together for nearly 15yrs. Have ds1 age 12 and ds2 aged 7.
Haven't had it easy, ups and downs, started family far earlier than planned. Time apart when we were at uni.
However the last 4/5 years (until about 6/9 months ago) have been fantastic. Really worked through things as a couple, grown as a family, lots of lovely memories.
Our eldest dc has autism and starting secondary went horribly wrong, I had to give up work, ds is off school, attacks me most days and is very demanding. As a result I am tired and snap at oh.
I know things have been strained, I know we take our frustrations out on each other and I know we are not getting enough time as a couple but I had no idea how unhappy he is. Before work this morning he said he wanted a chat this evening about us going our separate ways so at least he wouldn't be miserable.
I have spent most of the day in tears (didn't help that I had a funeral to go to today) but I decided to put a smile on, call in a massive favour and find a suitable friend who could cope with DS1 for tonight and get our younger ds to bed so that we could chat. So that we could be honest and work out if we can work through this or not.
Oh came back from work and hardly spoke to me, I dropped ds1 off at friends, got back and oh has gone to sleep. I feel so upset and am trying to keep it together. How can he just sleep with everything going on. I have no idea if he thinks we are still together or not. No idea if he wants to try and work things out or if he has given up.
Any advice? Any tips on saving a relationship that is controlled by our child's autism? Thanks

OP posts:
ColourfulOrangex · 02/02/2018 21:32

Oh OP I hope you manage to have a good chat and hopefully it goes well Wine

Thebluedog · 02/02/2018 21:33

Are you married Op?

He’s being an arse, dropping this on you like this and then go off to work then fall asleep without having the guts to talk to you! Not a nice man

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 02/02/2018 21:37

He is tired because he works a long day??? So what? Does he thinks dealing with autism day in day out is a bed of roses???

So you do all the trouble of finding baby sitting over night so you can talk and he doesn’t give a fuck???

Honestly OP. He is gone already Sad

Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 02/02/2018 21:40

No not married. I know financially I don't have a leg to stand on but I don't care about that. My top priority it's my children's happiness. Then it's saving my relationship and making my oh happy again. I miss making him smile. I hate how much being parents has changed our relationship. I just need him to see that this is a really crappy time but it's temporary. We are getting support put in place for our DS it's just taking a little time.
I want him to know that even though I am shattered and don't always show him affection I still get butterflies when he texts, I still love hearing his car pull up and I still want to travel around the world with him.
He still isn't up, he hasn't gone to the shop, he is just blanking me now, I suspect it's too late to try and save us but try I will, I have to, I love him too much and I love our children too much to give up now.

OP posts:
Frillyhorseyknickers · 02/02/2018 21:47

Surely he won’t expect you to move out to fuck knows where with his two sons and not give a shit?

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 02/02/2018 21:48

But that doesn’t depend on you OP, you cannot make him happy, he can only do that himself.

The more you try, the nastier he’ll become.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 02/02/2018 21:59

As he is still a father then he will be expected to do 50/50 childcare?
Call his bluff op. Pack yourself a bag and leave him to deal with the kids for the weekend. He does not get to walk away from his responsibilities and this will be a good way to start his shared parenting role if he wants out of the relationship.

Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 02/02/2018 22:04

It wouldn't be fair on my eldest DS for me to just walk out, everything has to be planned. It was hard enough to adjust the plan of having dinner at a friend's to staying for longer.
Oh is up now, still not really talking, finally off to the shop.
Yes he would expect us to leave if he makes that decision, in his mind it's his house, not ours and that is pretty much that, he is very inflexible in his thinking about quite a few things.

OP posts:
whateveryouknow · 02/02/2018 22:05

I'm so sorry you are going through this horrible situation EnglishRose. Ruddy is right you need to call his bluff and instead of starting to beg and please him, pack a bag and leave him with the kids this weekend. Kids will be fine but he is the one who gets the shock andhas to rethink this situation.
Just remember not to leave the house with the kids as legally the kids are entitled to have a roof over their head and he can not chuck them out no matter what. Wish you best of luck OP. 🙏🏻🤞

WildWindsBlowing · 02/02/2018 22:07

Let him sleep then. Eat yourself and get a little rest.

Don't leave the house. Just refuse to go, as you love him so much any way. Force him to evict you if thats what he really wants to do. But maybe he'll be too sleepy to bother.

Do you think it's possible that the fact he is evading you now may mean he just said he wanted to leave this morning in a heated moment, but did not mean it, and now he is lying doggo so he won't lose face?

pallasathena · 02/02/2018 22:09

Someone once told me - a bloke as it happens - that when you behave like a doormat you get treated like a doormat.
I'm so sorry to say this....but you need to get bloody angry. Incandescent in fact because if you don't, your children are going to learn that appeasement and passivity is how you navigate relationships. And that is a recipe for disaster as well you know.
Where's your self respect?

WildWindsBlowing · 02/02/2018 22:12

in his mind it's his house, not ours and that is pretty much that, he is very inflexible in his thinking about quite a few things

He actually sounds absolutely appallingly awful.
What about his parents?

Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 02/02/2018 22:18

His mum was lovely and supportive when we started dating and when the children were tiny, unfortunately she has advanced dementia now and doesn't know who any of us are anymore.

His dad is pretty reserved with his emotions and we only see him once or twice a year.

Pallasthena- I don't think remaining calm makes me a doormat, I have made it clear that we will be talking this evening and that I have a right to discuss what happens next. Wanting to work things out doesn't make me weak, I'm not accepting that he has the right to dictate how our lives are, I'm not accepting what's going on, I am fighting, I am looking for solutions, solutions we both have to work at not just me.

OP posts:
Primarkismyonlyoption · 02/02/2018 22:31

No need to justify yourself op this is youre life you do as you think best x

Primarkismyonlyoption · 02/02/2018 22:34

And it may be his house in his head, but he has a bloody shock coming if he does ask you and ds to leave...that will bite him in the arse.
I do think at this point op you do need to detach a bit and work out your own plan. Move some money, collect copies of stuff and keep documents close. Keep a diary of stuff so you cannot be told you were wrong. Just as a precaution x

MsJolly · 02/02/2018 22:36
Flowers
Qvar · 02/02/2018 22:40

His inflexibility of th No I g is no longer your problem. The law says the children stay in the family home being cared for by the main caregiver. That’s that.

tootiredtospeak · 02/02/2018 22:45

Have you considered if any responses he has autistic traits. His way of behaving and thinking g sounds very inflexible for a friend man. Doesnt like being woken prefers to cook his own meal thinking as it's his house he doesn't have responsibility for housing his own kids.?

JaneEyre70 · 02/02/2018 22:46

It's bloody cruel to say that to you this morning, and then refuse to acknowledge it further OP. I hope you're ok Flowers. You're both under a lot of stress clearly but that doesn't excuse his behaviour at all.

tootiredtospeak · 02/02/2018 22:46

God new phone keeps changing words sorry hopefully you got my point

RidingWindhorses · 02/02/2018 23:03

So you have had to give up work to look after a demanding autistic child who couldn't cope with secondary school, who attacks you 'most days' and he's the one who's unhappy?

He tells you on the day of a funeral that he wants to split, will talk about it tonight, and then when tonight comes, he goes to sleep?

He would expect you and his children to leave as it's his house????

My gob is well and truly smacked.

Why would you want to travel the world with this man? I wouldn't want to go to Tescos with him.

Myheartbelongsto · 02/02/2018 23:16

I think he left the house to make a phone call op.

I hope I'm way off.

surlycurly · 02/02/2018 23:19

Horrible situation OP. Hope you get it sorted x

NewSingleMummy · 03/02/2018 00:52

Hope you can work this out op

SandyY2K · 03/02/2018 01:15

If you appear needy and desperate...he'll be more inclined to pull away. A relationship needs 2 people to want it...otherwise you're fighting a losing battle.

He may have mentally checked out long ago.

I'd also let him have the kids under a secure roof.