Oh wants to leave, feel gutted

[EnglishRose1320]

So I will try and keep this brief. Have been together for nearly 15yrs. Have ds1 age 12 and ds2 aged 7.
Haven't had it easy, ups and downs, started family far earlier than planned. Time apart when we were at uni.
However the last 4/5 years (until about 6/9 months ago) have been fantastic. Really worked through things as a couple, grown as a family, lots of lovely memories.
Our eldest dc has autism and starting secondary went horribly wrong, I had to give up work, ds is off school, attacks me most days and is very demanding. As a result I am tired and snap at oh.
I know things have been strained, I know we take our frustrations out on each other and I know we are not getting enough time as a couple but I had no idea how unhappy he is. Before work this morning he said he wanted a chat this evening about us going our separate ways so at least he wouldn't be miserable.
I have spent most of the day in tears (didn't help that I had a funeral to go to today) but I decided to put a smile on, call in a massive favour and find a suitable friend who could cope with DS1 for tonight and get our younger ds to bed so that we could chat. So that we could be honest and work out if we can work through this or not.
Oh came back from work and hardly spoke to me, I dropped ds1 off at friends, got back and oh has gone to sleep. I feel so upset and am trying to keep it together. How can he just sleep with everything going on. I have no idea if he thinks we are still together or not. No idea if he wants to try and work things out or if he has given up.
Any advice? Any tips on saving a relationship that is controlled by our child's autism? Thanks

Ps , of course he has sleep difficulties- he naps to flippin much .

He had a phone consultation with the gp yesterday who has prescribed some sleeping medicine, I'm not sure what.

What gp worth their salt would prescribe over the phone.Why is he tired when you are the one not sleeping and having to deal wiht 2 kids.One of whom is very ill.

Why do you have to do all the legwork when hes the one that wants it finished.I think you need to take a step back and look realistically if you would be better off alone.You do everything now,at least you wouldnt have him sapping even more of yur energy.

Thanks for all the advice.

@EnglishRose1320
Lots of people feel some anger on your behalf.
Perhaps helpful? Perhaps not?

But only because we ( collectively) care about you.
I hope that won't stop you seeking support here.

OP why are you not married? Sorry I might have missed it but it feels like you are quite determined to leave yourself in a very precarious position when he’s already talking about having you all booted out of ‘his’ house.

Actually HE is in a precarious position. It isn't your house OP, and I am guessing that amongst the many things you have not explained is the fact that he has refused to marry you or give you a half interest in the house. I am guessing that you have some half-arsed agreement based on him earning all the money and you not working and because of this you have settled for this arrangement.

Is this why you have also settled for putting up with a man who is having a GREAT life, gym, lie-ins etc while his partner is struggling to hold it all together?

So explain to him his precarious position, calmly and rationally. If you have had enough of this appalling situation you could simply walk away with no ties and leave him and the children in his house. He wants to split up? Fine, you will go. The children will have to stay with him as you have no house and no job.

Yes, we all know you would never do this. But he doesn't know this.

Giddyup- do you think I want to be in such a precarious position? I'd love to be married. Oh doesn't want to be married, never has done, even pre children, he was caught up in his parents very messy divorce and wants nothing to do with marriage. Rightly or wrongly I decided that I loved him more than the idea of marriage. Yes it's means I am in a vunerable position and yes it's my fault for going along with things but it's happened now.

Haffiana- he knows I would never do that, to threaten him with it would just cause unnecessary arguments.

He has spent all of this week trying to be nice to me and seems annoyed that I haven't lapped up the attention. Don't get me wrong I haven't given him the cold shoulder but he can't just expect me to forget what he said last weekend.

We will work through this, I'm sure of it, any tips on the parenting a child with autism together would be amazing, thanks

EnglishRose there is a Special Needs forum on Mumsnet where I am sure you will get tons of advice/support on parenting an autistic child. I do empathise with you - my sister has an autistic child and even though her DH is incredibly supportive, and they are both on the same wavelength, it is still incredibly tough. Good luck to you.

You are making an awful lot of excuses for him. I know in a million years you'd never do it but what would his reaction be if you said 'yes you're right, but I'm leaving, you handle the kids, bye'!

He has absolutely no idea what he has in you and he needs to appreciate you more. Hope things work through well for you and wishing you all happiness.

@EnglishRose1320

You're coming across as defensive and in denial. I get it but in the meantime do all you can you protect yourself. I wish you luck

Sounds like my xH right down to some of the details- my DS is on the autistic spectrum.

There is a website - I think it is called Different Together - for NT people with ASD husbands. That might be helpful.