Oh wants to leave, feel gutted

[EnglishRose1320]

So I will try and keep this brief. Have been together for nearly 15yrs. Have ds1 age 12 and ds2 aged 7.
Haven't had it easy, ups and downs, started family far earlier than planned. Time apart when we were at uni.
However the last 4/5 years (until about 6/9 months ago) have been fantastic. Really worked through things as a couple, grown as a family, lots of lovely memories.
Our eldest dc has autism and starting secondary went horribly wrong, I had to give up work, ds is off school, attacks me most days and is very demanding. As a result I am tired and snap at oh.
I know things have been strained, I know we take our frustrations out on each other and I know we are not getting enough time as a couple but I had no idea how unhappy he is. Before work this morning he said he wanted a chat this evening about us going our separate ways so at least he wouldn't be miserable.
I have spent most of the day in tears (didn't help that I had a funeral to go to today) but I decided to put a smile on, call in a massive favour and find a suitable friend who could cope with DS1 for tonight and get our younger ds to bed so that we could chat. So that we could be honest and work out if we can work through this or not.
Oh came back from work and hardly spoke to me, I dropped ds1 off at friends, got back and oh has gone to sleep. I feel so upset and am trying to keep it together. How can he just sleep with everything going on. I have no idea if he thinks we are still together or not. No idea if he wants to try and work things out or if he has given up.
Any advice? Any tips on saving a relationship that is controlled by our child's autism? Thanks

@EnglishRose1320

He doesn't want to go to couples therapy.

Sounds like he has already made a decision?

@Qvar
It’s easy for him because he’s already mentally moved on. I’m so sorry.

agree 😔

....he genuinely does make most decisions himself without seeking advice/confiding in anyone.

If marriage (I know you're not legally married, but you are both in a long term relationship) is a partnership, how come he doesn't consult you? Also, If he's so competent at decision making, how come he was thinking of leaving you rather than coming up with this plan?

He says he has tried to broach it loads of times before and I haven't even noticed.

Blame shifting! YOU hadn't noticed!! What about HIM not addressing the issues at a more appropriate time?

Oh is definitely not having an affair. That's not a concern at all.

Famous last words! Have you seen the Infidelity threads on MN?!! In any case why are you so sure?

If he was [having an affair] and that was the reason for how he feels he wouldn't try and hide it.

Have you looked for the signs of cheating?

@SandyY2K

He may well have an OW ..and has thrown this out...do he can say he tried to ease his conscience when he finally declares it's over.

agree 😔

I might be projecting here OP so forgive me but my DH left me with our son (undiagnosed Autism but with OCD/Anxiety) and went off with OW. It was all a bit like too much hard work. 😔.
Anyway I hope I'm wrong and that your plans work out but please get your ducks in a row and be a bit more untrusting?

Emily- the plan does involve oh doing more, it also involves me doing more and believe me I do far more than he does already. Yes I mentioned he has a long day to show I appreciate that he works hard, but he has a nap when he gets in from work, then 4/5 nights a week he heads to the gym. He also has a lie in on a Saturday and a Sunday. He also meets up with friends when he wants so his work/fun balance is pretty good and he needs to recognise that he needs to step up. Yes it may make him walk away faster but if he does then I will have to accept he was never going to manage parenting a child with additional needs. I can't cover his work and mine parent wise. I have added time in our plan for us to spend as a couple which is something we both feel is lacking.

Someone mentioned special schools, definitely something we are looking into, in the process of getting ds1's EHCP and visiting local specialist provision.

I can't really go into why I know oh isn't having an affair, if I add much more detail it will be outing but it's not a concern of mine and not because I have my head in the sand, it really isn't something that is happening.

Oh and I are making tentative steps, I have been to the doctor and confessed how low I am. Oh has accepted that I am struggling and depressed and not just ignoring him. He has also had a chat about some things he is finding hard. Plus he has made some steps in trying to engage with ds1.

So will your DP be giving up some Gym days in the week and one of his lie-ins?

He won't give up gym time, he will move his gym time to make it work more for the family.
Lie in wise he is trying to get up between 10-11 instead of in the afternoon.

@EnglishRose1320

'He won't give up gym time, he will move his gym time to make it work more for the family'

Ok so does he normally tend to the kids bedtime routine when he goes to the Gym?

What are the new arrangements around the Gym?

'Lie in wise he is trying to get up between 10-11 instead of in the afternoon.'

So when do you get a lie-in?

He tends to do ds2 bedtime every other night, unless it clashes with gym time. It is a bit variable depending on when he finishes work. He is looking at swapping to a gym be work and going straight to it, rather than coming home for a bit first. Should mean he misses any traffic and gets back more consistently for bed time.

He has a lot of sleep issues which he is trying to address but I think it would be unrealistic to think that I will ever get a lie in

He gets naps, has been having lie-ins until the afternoon, goes to the gym and meets with friends???
Do you get any of those things?
Is he seriously playing tiredness Top Trumps with you?

I go out to a group connected to my church once a week. He wouldn't object to me joining an exercise class once a week as well, it would be tricky to find one that fitted in though.

He doesn't see his friends often, maybe once a month but that is his choice, I'd never stop him seeing his friends he just doesn't arrange to see them much.

Id leave and get a job and have the dc every other weekend.

He wants to check out of stress and responsibility by doubling yours!! Dont let that happen

Wow, he's really got it easy and then is telling YOU that HES going to leave!

Did I really just read the whole thread right. If anything you should be the one threatening to leave! Blinking heck!

Op seriously. Nap, gym, lay in til the afternoon. Fuck that. He's taking the piss

For the most part the gym and the lie ins aren't terrible. The evening naps are fairly new and they do drive me mad but he is trying to address them by sorting out his sleep cycle. I just find it really hard to articulate to him how I am struggling without just sounding like an emotional mess. I find it hard to clearly explain the reasons things aren't working and how we both need to change. I tend to just get upset instead which doesn't help.

He has just left for the gym and to be fair he did do ds2's teeth/find pjs etc before he went so I've only got to read his story and then that's him settled for the night.

You're making excuses for him. He deigned to brush teeth and find some pj's, ridiculous. Why didn't he do story and settling down? What would he do with two DC to sort half the week if you split? The truth is he wouldn't. He can't be bothered.
I'm afraid he's shown his true colours and it's only a matter of time before this whole set up implodes and you're left in the shit. Completely unfair on your parents to use them as an escape plan too. Why should they be faced with what your partner chooses not to?
I hope things work out but I fear your naivety will be your undoing.

What are his sleep problems?

He has lots of extra naps and very long lie-ins at the weekend. Why is he still tired? Has he been to the drs about it?

What time does he leave for work and get back? Lots if us have had sleep issues. You may find some advice here.

I am not naive, I am fully aware of how unstable our relationship can be at times.
As for my parents, my DS is incredibly ill atm, his autism has led to significantly high levels of aniexty and self harm, my parents is one of the few places he feels safe at. They would be horrified if I didn't go to theres for a bit if I needed to. It's not like it's a tiny 2up 2down, they have 3 spare bedrooms, a spare living space. It wouldn't be forever but it would be the right place for DS to adapt to the new situation.

I expect I am making excuses for oh, so much of what he does or rather what he doesn't do has become normal. He has accepted he doesn't do enough, now we just need to work out a way of shifting the balance and that is going to have to involve me not jumping to do things the minute he doesn't as much as it's going to have to involve him actually doing them.

Bogmoppit- he doesn't fall asleep until between 2-4 most mornings. On a good night it is between 12-1 but that's not often. He sleeps in the same room as me but in his own bed because he can't sleep at all next to me (I move a lot in my sleep)
He had a phone consultation with the gp yesterday who has prescribed some sleeping medicine, I'm not sure what.

He won't sleep well if he is napping in the afternoon and going to the gym in the evening.

Rather than just trying medication, could he change his sleep and gym habits for a month and actually commit to reintegrating with the family.

Get up at a fixed time 6/7 - his work time. Then either go to a gym in his lunchtime - insist on having a lunch break - it is important for his health and marriage. He could get a trial membership for a month. Then come home and be involved in the bedtime routines. Go to bed at 10 - no blue screens from 9, and have a shower/bath, no caffeine from lunchtime. Actually make the changes that are needed. He needs to reboot his circadian rhythms and that takes commitment and effort but good quality sleep can be life changing.

Alternatively go straight to the gym after work - either one by his work or a local one if he can get there in time. Only do an hour so he is finished by 6.30 then come home, eat, don't nap and do a healthy sleep wind down bed by 10. At the weekend he can lie in till 8 and then get up, shower dress and eat and do something. With his family or friends. Be active and involved. Don't nap. Go to bed at 10 unless he is out. But really for these few weeks he should persist with a sensible schedule.

It takes a lot of effort to break his sleep issues but at the moment they suit him. He interacts with you all less, he gets out of family life all because he is so tired. My guess is the tiredness and sleep issues are totally curable. I'm also guessing he won't want to make the effort because he won't want the effort of helping with kids and you and being around you all the time.

He doesn't lie in at the weekend. Those are ways of avoiding all of you. A sleep specialist would never recommend those timetables. He won't ever sleep well if he continues the way he is. But I don't think he will make the effort. They'll be some reason. Rebooting your rhythms won't happen overnight. It takes persistence and effort.

His sleep issues suit him. They are self inflicted abs perpetuated. He has family avoidance issues.

Check he isn't too hot. Being slightly too warm can stop you sleep. You may no even register you are too warm either. You just feel uncomfortable. Look up a healthy sleep environment and check you bedroom fulfils the criteria.

What's he doing with all that spare time? He naps after work and sleeps the weekend away so he can afford to be awake until the early hours. He's conveniently sleeping through family time. Your one evening a week at church hardly match up to that.

Bogmoppit- thanks for the tips, lots of helpful things I can discuss with him. He has had sleep issues his whole life, so it's partly that but yes it is also avoiding family life.

He leaves the house at 8:30, works at 9:30- 5:30ish and is back between 6:30-7 depending on traffic and when he manages to get out the office which is why I think exercising at the gym by work would be better than when he gets home.

Goldfish- I suspect he is watching too much t.v and playing stupid phone games. He definitely doesn't help himself by having so much screen time. He says cutting it out makes no difference but I don't reckon he has tried for long enough

That’s not a long working day! If you had put your update about his naps and gym times in your OP you would have got completely different replies. By the sound of it you are already bending over backwards and doing more than your share. He’s got an absolute cheek saying he is the unhappy one. I really hope he sticks to your plan and things improve for you.

@EnglishRose1320

This is long, sorry

To the poster who mentioned that some of his traits seemed autistic, I am convinced he is on the spectrum and that is the cause of many of the issues between us but he won't even contemplate the idea, just says everyone is a bit Autistic.

Ok so would it be worthwhile assuming he IS Autistic eg and start using strategies? Maybe you could start another post on MN asking for advice about how to communicate with him more effectively?

He was cold and emotionless the whole time, didn't stop eating his dinner when I broke down in tears.........I don't know how to keep going, he has fallen asleep whilst I lie in the same room as him crying.

Suggests lack of empathy, has he always been like this?

He tends to do ds2 bedtime every other night unless it clashes with gym time.

So will he now be able to do ds2 bedtime every night because he'll have gone to the Gym BEFORE he gets home? Also, you posted on Saturday about this new plan so has he signed up with the new Gym yet? How is he going to cope without his nap time?

...to be fair he did do ds2's teeth/find pjs etc before he went

So is this the only time he spent with DS today?

I've only got to read his story and then that's him settled for the night.

Story time is quality time you can spend with your DC. It's quiet and the perfect opportunity to bond. Does he normally do story time OP?

For the most part the gym and the lie ins aren't terrible........He is trying to get up between 10-11 instead of in the afternoon.

So you were happy with him sleeping away most of his days off, away from you and the DC?

He has a lot of sleep issues which he is trying to address...he doesn't fall asleep until between 2-4 most mornings. On a good night it is between 12-1 but that's not often.

Hmm, maybe because he naps when he gets home or is using tech?

He sleeps in the same room as me but in his own bed.

This arrangement isn't good for maintaining intimacy in a relationship OP 😕

....because he can't sleep at all next to me (I move a lot in my sleep)

So he told you this....blame shifting again making it your fault?🤔.

He had a phone consultation with the gp yesterday who has prescribed some sleeping medicine, I'm not sure what.

With your relationship on tender hooks and his poor sleep hygiene a contributing
factor, how come you don't know what was prescribed?

.....but I think it would be unrealistic to think that I will ever get a lie in.

Why? You could have Saturday and he Sunday or vice versa?

He doesn't seem nasty, he just doesn't seem to get it.

How strange that he just doesn't seem to get it and yet strangers on the net do?

He has accepted he doesn't do enough, now we ......

No, not we, HE

......just need to work out a way of shifting the balance and that is going to have to involve me not jumping to do things the minute he doesn't as much as it's going to have to involve him actually doing them.

If HE decides he's going to take ownership of a task and follows through, you might not need to jump in?

OP he might have ASD , but aside from that he sounds awful.

I have been diagnosed as severly sleep disordered and i dont ever sleep before 2am.

I work full time , have a chronic pain condition and look after my DC all on my own most of the time as DH works shifts.

Your DP is taking the absolute living pee out of you