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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh wants to leave, feel gutted

136 replies

EnglishRose1320 · 02/02/2018 20:45

So I will try and keep this brief. Have been together for nearly 15yrs. Have ds1 age 12 and ds2 aged 7.
Haven't had it easy, ups and downs, started family far earlier than planned. Time apart when we were at uni.
However the last 4/5 years (until about 6/9 months ago) have been fantastic. Really worked through things as a couple, grown as a family, lots of lovely memories.
Our eldest dc has autism and starting secondary went horribly wrong, I had to give up work, ds is off school, attacks me most days and is very demanding. As a result I am tired and snap at oh.
I know things have been strained, I know we take our frustrations out on each other and I know we are not getting enough time as a couple but I had no idea how unhappy he is. Before work this morning he said he wanted a chat this evening about us going our separate ways so at least he wouldn't be miserable.
I have spent most of the day in tears (didn't help that I had a funeral to go to today) but I decided to put a smile on, call in a massive favour and find a suitable friend who could cope with DS1 for tonight and get our younger ds to bed so that we could chat. So that we could be honest and work out if we can work through this or not.
Oh came back from work and hardly spoke to me, I dropped ds1 off at friends, got back and oh has gone to sleep. I feel so upset and am trying to keep it together. How can he just sleep with everything going on. I have no idea if he thinks we are still together or not. No idea if he wants to try and work things out or if he has given up.
Any advice? Any tips on saving a relationship that is controlled by our child's autism? Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 03/02/2018 02:07

Urghhhhh after talking I am still no clearer as to what the fuck our future looks like.

To the poster who mentioned that some of his traits seemed autistic, I am convinced he is on the spectrum and that is the cause of many of the issues between us but he won't even contemplate the idea, just says everyone is a bit Autistic.

He says he sees two options, things carry on as they are and as a result we separate or changes are made and more effort is put in and things get better. He was definitely implying it was me that needed to put more effort in. He thinks my parenting is making ds worse and ds being worse is the source of our problems.

He was cold and emotionless the whole time, didn't stop eating his dinner when I broke down in tears, I left the house to get some air, was gone for 2hrs and he didn't contact me, I've just got back and he didn't say a word to me.

I don't know how to keep going, he has fallen asleep whilst I lie in the same room as him crying. I know I can't leave him, that probably doesn't make sense to so many of you but I want to be with him, I want to work through this. He doesn't seem nasty, he just doesn't seem to get it.

OP posts:
midsummabreak · 03/02/2018 02:16

Maybe the autism comes from DH's side of the family.and he has traits himself Maybe thats why it is so easy for Dh to detatch as he is already 'me' focused and lacking insight into how horribly sad you are.

thiskittenbarks · 03/02/2018 05:53

Thanks! He sounds like he's not a very nice person. But I can still understand that you want to try to save the relationship.
He does sound autistic to me, but also a dickhead. Either way he can't expect you and the DC to leave the family home.

Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 03/02/2018 07:42

I'd say autistic but also a dickhead sums him up brilliantly at the moment.
I have had about 4hours sleep, for once in my life I could actually have a lie in and I just want to get up and run away from all of this.

OP posts:
tootiredtospeak · 03/02/2018 07:56

My son is autistic high functioning he's 16 but already I can see how hard he's going to find a relationship in the future with the inflexible way he thinks.
Everything is someone else's fault not his he is not wrong and even if you think he's listening to your point of view he'll go back to repeating what be thinks.
My point of saying this is that raising an autistic child is very tough but the unconditional bond gets you through.
In a relationship this isn't the case if you think some of his cold behaviour he can't help and probably doesn't even recognise it may help you to get through.
Don't be defensive about the parenting you might have things you could change I am going on a parenting course in the next few days for my son see if we can learn some techniques for reducing anxiety.
Consider counselling just for you to be able to process it all away from the autistic brain and with someone who will listen to your point of view.
My son is a dickhead at times sometimes I stick two fingers up at the door after he's walked out but we carry on he's not like that all the time I've learnt to see past it. Good luck.

RidingWindhorses · 03/02/2018 08:42

He was definitely implying it was me that needed to put more effort in. He thinks my parenting is making ds worse and ds being worse is the source of our problems.

Wtaf. You're looking after a challenging autistic child, does DP have any comprehension of how much that effort that takes? Your parenting is not making him worse - I have no doubt you are doing the best you can.

DP is the one who needs to make more effort.

It may well be that this complete lack of empathy is a sign he is on the spectrum himself but be aware that not everyone with ASD is an arsehole.

middleage3 · 03/02/2018 08:44

For what it’s worth my view is;

  • get some help/sort out schooling for your son. You can’t carry on like this.
  • go back to work. What is there for you in all of this?

For today and over the weekend . My advice would be to stop getting upset - don’t bother trying to communicate with your DH. Get in doing what you would normally do and be kind and look after yourself.
Honestly- your DH should go f**k himself. He probably can’t help it but you are not going to get any further by even attempting to have a serious conversation about the future with him.

Have a hug.

Thingsdogetbetter · 03/02/2018 08:54

Have you support from National Autistic Society? They can help with things like home schooling, respite etc. Maybe with some support, which your oh is obviously not giving you, you might be able to see the wood from the trees. They can give you advise on techniques that work and confirm to your oh that what you are doing is not making behaviour worse.

The fact that he is laying all the blame on you is horrible. Especially as he seems to be dumping all the caring for ds on your shoulders. What has he done to try and improve things. Fuck all by the sound of it! Dumps it all on you, and then blames you. Wanker.

Contact NAS. Contact CAB for advice on your rights to housing. And get your name on council housing list asap. If he makes you homeless with a disabled vulnerable child you do have options.

Bananmanfan · 03/02/2018 09:05

Please go back to work, op. You need a lifeline for yourself. Your OH is not on your side at all, he doesn't even have any concern or sense of responsibility for his children's interests.

Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 03/02/2018 10:31

I can't go back to work, I can't leave DS on his own.
Housing wise I would only be eligible for a 2 bed, probably a flat, their is no way DS would adapt to that, their is no way ds2 could share with him.
If it's comes to the worse then I will have to move back in with my parents.

OP posts:
WitchesHatRim · 03/02/2018 10:34

Maybe the autism comes from DH's side of the family.and he has traits himself

The DC aren't his I don't think. Is that correct OP

Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 03/02/2018 10:42

The dc's are his, very much so, spitting images of him!

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 03/02/2018 10:42

The dc are his they’ve been together 15 years.

Qvar · 03/02/2018 10:49

So haul him off to family therapy in the guise of “making ds behave better”

Family therapist will point out to him how damaging HIS behaviour is. He will either engage or not, in which case next time he criticises you you can say “I tried to make things better, and you walked off.”

I also live with a person with autism, you have to be RIGHT when you put your point across, and kindness is irrelevant

BishBoshBashBop · 03/02/2018 10:59

So haul him off to family therapy in the guise of “making ds behave better”

Tricking my in into things will make it worse not better!

middleage3 · 03/02/2018 10:59

My autistic ds is also the spitting image of my dh - who has behaved and would certainly behave just as yours is atm.
My dh would never admit to his difficulties or go to therapy in a million years..... in fact I could I would envisage that scenario being a total nightmare.
I echo the previous poster in that you have to be strong- expect no emotional support and just tell DH how it is going to be and what is going to happen (I think about it a lot beforehand and just matter of factly say it when I am clear in my own mind - if that makes sense )
Hope you are ok today op

Blueraccoon · 03/02/2018 11:25

He thinks my parenting is making ds worse and ds being worse is the source of our problems.

So has he told you exactly what it is about your parenting that he believes to be causing the problem?

thethoughtfox · 03/02/2018 11:48

Call his bluff. Tell him you understand how difficult it has been for both of you and you both deserve to be happy. As you have been doing the brunt of the childcare, he can take it over for the next 6 months and organise, pay and take time off work to get the children used to it. That will tell all you need to know: is this about your relationship or is it about him just checking out of being a father.

SandyY2K · 03/02/2018 12:08

Howabout seeing if you can get a referral...see a specialist (with your OH) regarding the challenges with your DS. This isn't just your problem.

My experience is that the challenges from coping with a child with special needs can really impact on relationships... and couples will often blame each other or develop external relationships in.a bid to 'escape' the difficulties.

Qvar · 03/02/2018 12:46

Erm, family therapy isn’t a trick. It can be very helpful. And having a cohesive family unit rather than a brat father and exhausted mother certainly won’t harm anyone

Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 03/02/2018 13:04

He doesn't want to go to couples therapy. He did come on an autism parenting course with me a few months back and really seemed to get it and understand more whilst we were at the course but could never put it into action at home.

He seems really jolly today and is trying to engage me in chat. I don't know how to react. He hurt me so much last night and I still don't know where I stand.

DS1 is fast asleep having not slept at all at my friend's last night. Ds2 is happily playing and I can trying to work out what on earth to do.

I have requested that we have a night once a fortnight to just be a couple.
I have requested he supports me with all the appointments/referrals and chasing support for DS.
I have asked him to list the changes he wants to happen regarding parenting and sit down and have an open conversation with each other so we can come to a compromise.
I have accepted that I am overly emotional due to my exhaustion and will try and be more rational when I speak to him.

I am prepared to make changes but only if he is as well. And only if he is prepared to be patient and not expect DS to get better overnight. Now I just need to know if he is on the same page.

OP posts:
Cheeseislife · 03/02/2018 13:21

You sound completely rational and what you're asking for is more than reasonable - I hope you can work things out but if not please don't blame yourself, this isn't your fault

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/02/2018 13:40

I think your answer may be in mirroring back his behaviour to him.

If he's purely factual based, then maybe you pointing out that, if you separate he will HAVE to have the children, both of them, together, for half of the week. On his own. He won't want to do that. He will see 'splitting up' to mean that he gets what he wants and you have to put up with it. Pointing out that he will be expected to do his share of childrearing and looking after DS1, might just make him see that separation won't be the easy bed of roses he is expecting.

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2018 13:44

I think he has handled this terribly. He's fired a warning shot. He's telling you he's not happy as it is, but he has done so in a horrible threatening manner that causes you distress.

In addition this whole he thinks it's his house. You've been together 15 years. He knows what you've given up, he knows the precarious position you're in but he'd use that against you.

You need to start thinking about yourself. Because he is on,y thinking about himself. You now know he's not above fucking uou over if he feels like it. He's not above fuckin his kids over. He's not above causing you extreme distress if it suits him. He's not above leaving you dangling in that distress to maximise your pain.

That's who you're with, so get protected.

yetmorecrap · 03/02/2018 14:09

What an arse!!