What to say to DH who wants us to take care of separate areas of our family life

[pleasedontmakemethinkofanother]

DH and I are the parents of three very young DC (3, 2 and 1.) due to our financial situation and the cost of childcare, I stay at home and DH works. This is not my ideal scenario, I would like to go back to work, but after maternity leaves and not being promoted, I would not earn enough to pay for the childcare at the moment.

I struggle being at home with three young DC. DH is frequently away with work for a week at a time, or returns home between 10-11pm at night so I am alone in the house with them all day and often at night.

DH has a belief that I should not bother him with my issues over being a SAHM. He says he doesn’t want to receive texts that say that DC2 was awake all night and I’m tired. Or DC3 has a temperature and I am worried she is ill. He essentially wants me to contain all this myself and take care of my “area” (ie the house and the DC) and he’ll take care of his area, (ie work and bringing money in for the family.) he says that if I complain about my day or feeling tired, or the DC, it makes him feel like he is doing both of our jobs instead of just his.

He cannot stand me offloading or voicing my feelings and often comments that I neee “five therapists” for th are amount of offloading I do.

I talk to DH because DH is supposed to be my parenting partner, because they’re his children too, and presumably if something happens then he needs to know. He says to only tell him if one of the DC is in the hospital, otherwise it detracts from his ability to be successful at work.

He says, I don’t text you all day saying “so and so is bothering me at work, do I?” Or “I feel so tired.” “So why do you do that to me?”

I am trying to work out if I am in the wrong. Whether there are SAHMs out there with three under three who manage to be completely self contained and allow their DH not to experience any of the shit parts of parenting because you do your job and he does his?

If this sounds ludicrous to you, what is my argument? What can I fight back with? He has never spent enough time with the DCs to know, really, what it is like being with them 24/7..

Your husband sounds like the main problem here.

While your H earns plenty, builds his career and expects you to STFU about your domestic work and parenting

Part of the problem with continuing the status quo is that there will never come a point when he suddenly realizes that things should be more fair. He will continue to make more and more money because he is able to travel, work long hours, etc., which means that his wages will continue to rise at the same time that your earning potential goes down because you are out of the work force.

Rather than things becoming more even as the kids get older, they will continue to be skewed because you are facilitating his success by not having any of your own.

If someone had explained that to me when my oldest was 3, I would have made different decisions with my life.

So he doesn't want to be involved in/care about his children's lives?

What is his attitude to them when he's actually at home?

What a shit attitude

If I was you I’d give him two options

1. I go back to work full time, all wages go into one pot and both allocated some personal money each month. Housework, child rearing, sick days for the children, nursery runs and Saturday/Sunday lay ins are split 50/50 exactly down the middle

2. split up and share exactly 50/50 custody of the children so he has no choice but to sort his shit attitude out

I’d probably go with 2

what?
still nothing from the OP??

Nope. Radio silence.

Where is the communication in this relationship ? Do you spend any time together ? What do you both do for fun ? What do you both laugh about ? Does he spend any time with the family or does he have hobbies on top of working ? He does not sound very supportive

We tried for another baby with the plan for me to go back to work after mat leave, but had twins and all went out the window with 3 under 3 and jointly couldn't afford childcare. Never used to text dh but when he came in I was usually frazzled and they wanted his attention anyway. He used to complain about that and say he needed some time to unwind first!
You'll be getting free playgroup hours soon if not already (if this is still a thing) so hopefully things will improve a bit. I found as many groups as possible to go to just to get out the house and have adult contact.