What to say to DH who wants us to take care of separate areas of our family life

[pleasedontmakemethinkofanother]

DH and I are the parents of three very young DC (3, 2 and 1.) due to our financial situation and the cost of childcare, I stay at home and DH works. This is not my ideal scenario, I would like to go back to work, but after maternity leaves and not being promoted, I would not earn enough to pay for the childcare at the moment.

I struggle being at home with three young DC. DH is frequently away with work for a week at a time, or returns home between 10-11pm at night so I am alone in the house with them all day and often at night.

DH has a belief that I should not bother him with my issues over being a SAHM. He says he doesn’t want to receive texts that say that DC2 was awake all night and I’m tired. Or DC3 has a temperature and I am worried she is ill. He essentially wants me to contain all this myself and take care of my “area” (ie the house and the DC) and he’ll take care of his area, (ie work and bringing money in for the family.) he says that if I complain about my day or feeling tired, or the DC, it makes him feel like he is doing both of our jobs instead of just his.

He cannot stand me offloading or voicing my feelings and often comments that I neee “five therapists” for th are amount of offloading I do.

I talk to DH because DH is supposed to be my parenting partner, because they’re his children too, and presumably if something happens then he needs to know. He says to only tell him if one of the DC is in the hospital, otherwise it detracts from his ability to be successful at work.

He says, I don’t text you all day saying “so and so is bothering me at work, do I?” Or “I feel so tired.” “So why do you do that to me?”

I am trying to work out if I am in the wrong. Whether there are SAHMs out there with three under three who manage to be completely self contained and allow their DH not to experience any of the shit parts of parenting because you do your job and he does his?

If this sounds ludicrous to you, what is my argument? What can I fight back with? He has never spent enough time with the DCs to know, really, what it is like being with them 24/7..

it depends on how many times you are messaging him moaning. If he is at work and that's what he's doing does he need hourly updates about everything (I don't know if you are doing this?)

If i were you, i'd go back to work, childcare is a family expense.

waiting for someone to tell you to book a week in Champneys

He sounds like a tool !

If this sounds ludicrous to you, what is my argument?

Urgh. I’ve drunk some wine, and I’m not objective but my over-riding instinct is he’s a cold-hearted fucker.

Presumably you see/saw something in him - so what is/was it?

Because my argument would be if you’re doing it all alone anyway in your “area” you might as well be divorced, have the maintenance and every other weekend off to sleep in...

I'm inclined to say he's being a knob, but how often do you text him? If I got hourly texts about the kids that were just updates on their day/ behaviour I'd struggle to concentrate on work.

I’d tell him to fuck right off. He presumedly wanted children too?
Maybe suggest reversing roles and see how he copes with that.

Have you considered a spa day?

Anyway...

It looks like you need to go back to work for your sanity. The longer you stay out, the more difficult it will become.
And he should step up as parent too. Working away from home doesn't give him a free card out of parenting. And I'm saying this as a previous sole breadwinner.

Otoh, it mat help you cope if you have someone else to talk to.
I also know how it feels to be contacted all day with things I can't sort.
You two need to find a balance.

Oh OP I feel for you. I used to be in a similar situation although my DH was not as detached, but still I felt, like many SAHM do, that he didn't understand how difficult my life was, and the need for emotional support, if nothing else.

The solution was quite drastic: we were living abroad at the time and I had to leave the country for a few days for a family wedding. The kids were too young, similar ages to yours, to go. So I left him a load of instructions and went. When I came back he was almost on his knees, declared he would never feel resentful about me moaning ever again, and that I deserved a week off every month!

I'm not suggesting you go to quite the same lengths, but maybe a short time away will show him the value of what you do, how hard it is alone, and how much you need support and to feel part of a team.

Good luck OP!

Yes to childcare being a family expense
Can you go back to work and start somehow?
His way means he is absolving himself if being a father, that's nit right.
If he hasn't spent time with all three yet then needs to asap
Try and sort something this weekend telling him that he needs to step up in preparation of you going back to work or having them on his own wow after divorce
Really there is such an imbalance here

Whilst I agree if you are inundating him with texts that’s not good, his responses suggest that he really doesn’t expect to do any parenting does he? The world revolves around him and his career. You are a facilitator of that and required uphold the family side of his perfect little picture, alone.

How much longer can you continue like this? What are you getting out of the relationship? How is he facilitating you?

And bollocks to not going back to work. As a pp said childcare is a shared expense.

I presume your husband is on the children's birth certificates - therefore has parental responsibility? - because his 'idea' just plain abrogates himself of about 9/10ths... Conveniently.
Both you and he worked full time before children - he still does (so no change for him there?) but for you - your whole world has turned upside down and inside out and HE has decided that you are to do it all entirely alone??!
No way in hades is your husband being either a decent partner, coparent or father.
Childcare costs are just as much HIS responsibility as yours - you have a right to work if that's vital to you! He has absolutely NO right to burden you with the sole responsibility of the children in this way - it's actually borderline for financial /coercion abuse.

It isn't your responsibility to pay for the childcare. That is a shared household expense. In the early stages of your return to work, what you earn may not offset the childcare costs but your salary will increase in time and the sooner you start, the sooner it will increase.

So he has a choice: pay for the childcare or have an unhappy wife who expresses that unhappiness in every single conversation until he registers how unhappy she is and does something about it.

Go back to work. Childcare is a joint expense. Parenting is a joint enterprise.

Read the "facilitated men" threads in Feminist Chat.

Can you link the facilitated men please?

Assuming you agreed to be the SAHM, the I think you could both do normal working days, 8 hours of childcare and he does 8 hours of work a day, and during this time I'd try not to disrupt unless really urgent. Everything else - household, shopping, bedtimes etc is split. If he chooses to work longer so that he can't do his share, maybe because it is financially worth it, then those profits need to benefit you both, eg in terms of buying in household help and childcare. Not much of a partnership, but as a business model at least you get some help and time to look for emotional support from friends given he doesn't seem to even vaguely attempt to fulfil this.

Has he really got no desire to be involved in the kids' lives?

Definitely go back to work. Childcare is a joint expense.

He sounds a dick.

Does he really need to work so many hours? Does he ever actually see the kids?

I never ask if kids are planned but I am curious whether it was a joint decision to have them all so close - and then a solo decision for him to just not bother with them.

I agree he needs to be left alone with them. From the sounds of it 8 hours should be sufficient.

Would also point out if you leave him you get eow weekend off and he doesn't get his house cleaned and his pants ironed

Hmm I think what someone upthread posted about if you divorced him, at least you get every other weekend free... 🤔 that sounds like more than what he's doing now

I'm still on maternity leave at the moment, my DH loves getting updates from us about our day, but it's usually just 1-2 pictures etc. My DH pulls his weight in the house, he comes home and cleans/tidy up while I put dc to bed. On weekends he has dc while I go to the gym etc.

We are a team, it's not me vs you

That is ridiculous.
Get yourself back to work. Split the cost. He is being self absorbed. You need your own life back

You could just do your day job ie SAHM like he does and nothing else for him - no cooking, no laundry, no facilitating him to go out to work in any way. Just look after yourself and the DC. Just like being a single parent really...

Is his presence when he's not at work enhancing your life at all?

To play devil's advocate slightly... My dh is in a career which regularly requires him to be away from us for months at a time. His career is stable and well paid and enables us as a family to have a home, cars, holidays and we are generally well provided for. I am currently a sahm to 2 under 6. When he is away I don't text him if the dc are keeping me awake, or if one is a bit poorly or they are being a pain in the arse, because it worries and upsets him and he can't help anyway. (I would let him know anything serious and we are lucky to Skype most days so he is in contact).

However, he also has stretches when he is at home, and when he is he is the most involved parent possible. He does school runs, takes the dc to the park, shopping and gives me space etc.

So, in answer I feel we have an equal workload and our relationship works. The issue is if you don't feel it is working for you.

Does he work the same hours as you? So, what, 5 or 6am to maybe 9pm, once they're in bed, you've tidied up and sat down. Plus on call - and frequently called - overnight?

If he is indeed working 16+ hour days, every day, without breaks, then he might have half a point. The half that says disturbing him at work stops him working.

However, he is married and a parent and would reasonably be expected to want to know how his wife and children are, from one day to another. Most working away parents ring home every day. The idea that he wouldn't want to do that - and doesn't care how any of you are - is very, very odd and cold.

I'd get them into childcare, at least part-time and get back to work for your own sanity. Never mind if doing so doesn't break even for a couple of years (if in the UK, you'll be starting to benefit from the 15 free hours already. Working will up it to 30 I think and, year by year, it will apply to more of the children).

He sounds like a real dick. You are not just doing a job, you are raising his children, his family.
He needs to spend a weekend in sole charge of his kids.

You might be better off single. Bye you put your issues very well, so you don't need better arguements, you just need the selfish cold hearted fucker to listen to you.

...and, while I can see his point about constant 'offloading', I also agree with others that he needs to experience looking after them all for a whole day and night, preferably two or three, before he can claim any insight into your situation.

it makes him feel like he is doing both of our jobs instead of just his.

So he feels that getting a text about his children is the same as being there actually looking after them 24/7? Is that what he's saying?

I would expect him then to go back to it being 'distracting'. You can then ask him if he's saying he doesn't want to hear anything about his children's daily lives when he's not there?

I would tell him your family income needs to pay for either a nanny or for other childcare that will allow you to work. Nanny would be cheaper with three.

OP i was a mom of 3 under 3 with a dh who worked easily 60hr weeks. at this period in my life we lived in an extremely remote location and i was unable to work.
I did it all, very very old school style. no texting no phoning no moaning during the day...come the evening i did mention appointments and challenges but i honestly don't think i ever called or texted him while he worked.
remote location and all meant he came home for lunch, grabbed a sandwich and left (horrible memories of him fishing on his lunch break and dumping a salmon in my sink...wtf was i to do with that!! never having gutted or filleted a fish in my life)