What to say to DH who wants us to take care of separate areas of our family life

[pleasedontmakemethinkofanother]

DH and I are the parents of three very young DC (3, 2 and 1.) due to our financial situation and the cost of childcare, I stay at home and DH works. This is not my ideal scenario, I would like to go back to work, but after maternity leaves and not being promoted, I would not earn enough to pay for the childcare at the moment.

I struggle being at home with three young DC. DH is frequently away with work for a week at a time, or returns home between 10-11pm at night so I am alone in the house with them all day and often at night.

DH has a belief that I should not bother him with my issues over being a SAHM. He says he doesn’t want to receive texts that say that DC2 was awake all night and I’m tired. Or DC3 has a temperature and I am worried she is ill. He essentially wants me to contain all this myself and take care of my “area” (ie the house and the DC) and he’ll take care of his area, (ie work and bringing money in for the family.) he says that if I complain about my day or feeling tired, or the DC, it makes him feel like he is doing both of our jobs instead of just his.

He cannot stand me offloading or voicing my feelings and often comments that I neee “five therapists” for th are amount of offloading I do.

I talk to DH because DH is supposed to be my parenting partner, because they’re his children too, and presumably if something happens then he needs to know. He says to only tell him if one of the DC is in the hospital, otherwise it detracts from his ability to be successful at work.

He says, I don’t text you all day saying “so and so is bothering me at work, do I?” Or “I feel so tired.” “So why do you do that to me?”

I am trying to work out if I am in the wrong. Whether there are SAHMs out there with three under three who manage to be completely self contained and allow their DH not to experience any of the shit parts of parenting because you do your job and he does his?

If this sounds ludicrous to you, what is my argument? What can I fight back with? He has never spent enough time with the DCs to know, really, what it is like being with them 24/7..

I get that they are his kids too but if the OP’s struggling then she’s needs to articulate that because he obviously isn’t extrapolating that from her need for frequent contact. It’s about expectations, during my working day. I would prefer not to be contacted frequently by someone be they my partner/ childminder/ nanny/ or school who had the authority to take care of them in my absence.

My Ex was a definite out of sight out of mind parent 24/7, not just when he was at work. I had an expectation that parenting was a joint endeavour and when I realised it wasn’t, I was ready to make the extreme parenting de-compartmentalisation of my partner more formal. As in when DD was me I’d do everything and when she was with him I wouldn’t. Unfortunately for DD, her father didn’t want any parenting responsibilities other than the ability to show her of a few times a year to friends and family, which made my decision to leave all the more just.

Is the OP’ H an all round uninterested partner or is he an uninterested parent too?

Second getting a job but will you be happy with the financial cuts?

Many women love the big house, ability to have 3 kids without thinking, the nice area, the status and all that being married to a high earner brings.

It would be useful to sit down with DP and discuss the sacrifices that will have to be made if you get help/go to work and pay for childcare/if he works less and does more childcare/ if you switched roles.

Decide what you value and what he values and take it from there

Ok, so OP's 'D'H is receiving texts from the OP about the difficulties she's having with the children. It's fair enough for him to find that disruptive. But any decent spouse would see that she's clearly struggling and seek to support her - which is his role as both her husband and the father of the children she is struggling with. He acknowledges she is struggling (hence the comment about the therapist) and his solution is to ask her not to bother him with it. That's atrocious.

While I can see that working might be good for the OP's mental health, I wonder if there is also potential for it to add yet another layer of stress to an already very tough situation. Because then she'll be doing all the morning/evening/night care and the childcare drop offs/pick ups (and presumably the housework) and working as well. And if she struggles, her DH's response will presumably be 'well you chose to go back to work.' I think something else needs to change in this situation (in addition to the OP going back to work if that's what she wants).

Unless you have strictly delineated finances, all this "childcare is a joint expense" thing is daft. If you have a pot of family money, it comes out of that. If you take out for something (childcare) more than you put in (earnings), then you are worse off as a family. Of course, you can look to the future and predict that you may be earning more money, but then you need to discount that for it being in the future (time value of money applies here), apply a discount for risk etc etc.

But I digress. As a SAHM, I'd say he's being a dick....UNLESS your updates and moans are very frequent (i.e. more than once or twice a day). And if he's doing the "your area" and "my area" thing, then he needs to split everything down the middle at the weekend and when he's home. And sort out his own clothes for work etc.

I have really enjoyed being a SAHM, but I think a large part of that has to do with the fact that we play as a team and we help each other out where we can. So I will cook every night, weekends included....but DH will pick up the kids from school if he can leave early, or if I really want to go out somewhere. A "yours" and "mine" mentality isn't good, either for the family dynamic or for your relationship.

i was ready to make the extreme parenting de-compartmentalisation of my partner more formal
This would seem to be the Logical conclusion in the scenario described by the op

He says to only tell him if one of the DC is in the hospital, otherwise it detracts from his ability to be successful at work
He is the star of The Show
He wants to invest his time and energy into himself
to maximize his earning potential his status and his success
You are there to do the maintenance work, to take care of the children and the domestic environment so that he can be free and unhindered to invest in himself
you're working for him

Honestly...go back to work..I'm a sahm.i had a lot of support from my dh..wouldn't of entertained the idea with out it...he can pay half of the childcare costs,and you pay half..

If you stay with him..make sure one day a week is yours ,away from kids to do as you please,where he is in full control of the kids for a whole day ,every week..and he's not allowed to contact you..

I was a SAHM and brought up my DC in Ye Olde Days with no mobiles or e mails. I don't recall talking to my DH during his working day. I would only call him at work in a dire emergency. I did all the home/childcare stuff during the week. At the weekend he was a very hands on dad and I was able to have time to myself. It worked for us.

Did your DH not get home until 10/11 at night, Bluesky?

HelenDenver For much of his career he worked away Monday to Friday so he didn't come home at all. That okay?

Fine, thanks!

Did you not speak to him in the evenings either?

You need support but I can see why he wouldn't want bothering at work.
Childcare, parenting, emotional stuff isn't just your responsibility, he's a parent too.
Does he give you free weekends where he takes care of domestics, does he share the workload at weekend?
If you want to work you should get a job and split the childcare, it isn't your bill, but joint.
You clearly aren't happy being at home and who could blame you, you sound lonely.

Well that worked for you, bluesky. That's great.

But this thread isn't about you.

First, take the kids and disappear for a week . Don’t tell him, give t a few days to answer calls and say I Thought you said the kids were my problem and not to bother you with them? Then get a job, and have a frank conversation about working 24 h a day vs 10. I don’t honestly know if you can have a supported marriage with this guy- if my dh had ever said anything like that to me, he or I would have been sleeping in a hotel that night. But getting a job is a must.

You know, I actually think the practicalities of how often you text, getting a job, etc, are irrelevant.

On a personal and relationship level, I would find this devastating. It's so sad, that this man doesn't want to be a parent, nor does he want to interact with his wife.

I'm sorry, OP. Is this kind of life - this kind of love - enough for you?

Where is the OP?🤔

First, take the kids and disappear for a week . Don’t tell him, give t a few days to answer calls and say I Thought you said the kids were my problem and not to bother you with them? Then get a job, and have a frank conversation about working 24 h a day vs 10. I don’t honestly know if you can have a supported marriage with this guy- if my dh had ever said anything like that to me, he or I would have been sleeping in a hotel that night. But getting a job is a must

Utterly utterly shit advice.
Seriously “disappear” for a week. So kick wrong with this crap suggestion I don’t know where to begin.

All these people saying, 'Go back to work'. 'Get a nanny'.

Op has explained that, if she went back to work, the family would be worse off financially because she wouldn't earn enough to pay for childcare. I can well imagine this is true. In London, childcare for one often equals the rent or the mortgage. Just think what it would be for 3.

Op's DH does have a point. It must be irritating to get texts about things he can't do anything about during his working day when his employer is paying for his time. At this time in their lives, he is doing a job and so is she. Her job is looking after the children. It's not a job-share when he already has a full-time job to put food on the table.

Otoh, they're in a position where Op does not like her job. She is struggling to cope. That is a joint problem, as it would be if her DH didn't like his job. It's not Op's problem alone. Both need to be involved in the solution. They were both jointly responsible for bringing the 3 children into their lives.

I don't know what the answer is, but for a start Op's DH needs to acknowledge that there is a problem and he needs to play his part in solving it. Just don't expect him to do this while he's at work.

Op has explained that, if she went back to work, the family would be worse off financially because she wouldn't earn enough to pay for childcare.

Again, pps here realise that, but she will lose out in the long term by staying off work.
She posted that she has lost earning power by missing work time and promotions.
The OP could be on a sufficiently high salary by now. The longer she stays off work, the longer she loses earning power.

And, as pointed out several times, her salary shouldn't offset child care. It's the family finances that have to pay for it.

he is doing a job and so is she. Her job is looking after the children
Her job is low status and unpaid, the Works she's doing is invisible
time out looking after children means that it will be difficult for her to ever compete in the Labour market for a High wage
On the other hand he is gaining status and earning potential
He gains value as she loses value

(cross posted with Lweji)

I agree that with three small children it is far from simple to just get a job - and the childcare organisation and expense... the stress there for the OP would be awful.

I know someone with 3 dcs and a dh who works away. She puts them with a childminder once a week and she lies in bed and reads that day. Then she knows that she has a regular break to look forward to.

We don't really know if the OP is being a pain with the contacting dh at work and whether his comments were made when he was irritable. I sometimes phone dh for a chat and vice versa, but other days he is full-on and unless there is an emergency I wouldn't bother him (although I did get a bit cross when the hamster had a stroke and he wouldn't get off a conference call...).

You need to sit down and talk with him and tell him categorically that being a family means sharing things like this. Yes you will tell him when you are not feeling well at this point he should give you sympathy (I would actually mention that to him) If someone is annoying him at work he should be able to off load that onto you.

I would suggest you find time each day to talk to each other about family things. That way you won't feel the need to text him every now and then because you need the support. Tell him you can manage alone but you need to be able to talk about it.

My DH worked away during the week for a long time when the DC's were little and its bloody hard. Also the weekends aren't great as all the little tensions that would usually be resolved during the week build up and come out when you finally see each other.

I have been doing the walk 1000 miles (mentioned on another thread and poo-pooed by many young fit people saying its not very hard) essentially its walking 3 miles a day. I've been doing it with DH and the really surprising thing is how much it has helped our relationship as we actually talk. I know this isn't an option for you with 3 little ones but please try and sit down and talk from time to time.

Do you text him while he's at work about being tired etc? I was a SAHM of 3 and didn't text him about my daily crap. I only texted him if I was off to A&E or something. We spoke in person about our crap days when he got home (or on the phone if he was on business).

I think he's unreasonable to take the stance that he doesn't want to know anything about your daily shit. That's a recipe for resentment on both sides. On weekends/days off he should be doing 50% of the work.