What to say to DH who wants us to take care of separate areas of our family life

[pleasedontmakemethinkofanother]

DH and I are the parents of three very young DC (3, 2 and 1.) due to our financial situation and the cost of childcare, I stay at home and DH works. This is not my ideal scenario, I would like to go back to work, but after maternity leaves and not being promoted, I would not earn enough to pay for the childcare at the moment.

I struggle being at home with three young DC. DH is frequently away with work for a week at a time, or returns home between 10-11pm at night so I am alone in the house with them all day and often at night.

DH has a belief that I should not bother him with my issues over being a SAHM. He says he doesn’t want to receive texts that say that DC2 was awake all night and I’m tired. Or DC3 has a temperature and I am worried she is ill. He essentially wants me to contain all this myself and take care of my “area” (ie the house and the DC) and he’ll take care of his area, (ie work and bringing money in for the family.) he says that if I complain about my day or feeling tired, or the DC, it makes him feel like he is doing both of our jobs instead of just his.

He cannot stand me offloading or voicing my feelings and often comments that I neee “five therapists” for th are amount of offloading I do.

I talk to DH because DH is supposed to be my parenting partner, because they’re his children too, and presumably if something happens then he needs to know. He says to only tell him if one of the DC is in the hospital, otherwise it detracts from his ability to be successful at work.

He says, I don’t text you all day saying “so and so is bothering me at work, do I?” Or “I feel so tired.” “So why do you do that to me?”

I am trying to work out if I am in the wrong. Whether there are SAHMs out there with three under three who manage to be completely self contained and allow their DH not to experience any of the shit parts of parenting because you do your job and he does his?

If this sounds ludicrous to you, what is my argument? What can I fight back with? He has never spent enough time with the DCs to know, really, what it is like being with them 24/7..

But the answer to your title is that work isn't 'a separate area of family life'. It's just work. People work, and they have families. Both things. Different things.

Most people go to work, then come home to their family. They enjoy this, that's why they had a family. They play their part in family life. It doesn't really matter how often they come home, how long away, they still enjoy having the family and play their part. If not, they wouldn't have married or had children.

The idea that you can say 'one of us does work, the other does family' it nuts. It removes him from family life, it is not a way of dividing family life or its associated tasks. It is him saying 'there you go, you have a family, just you.'

Does he get breaks at work? Evenings off sometimes while he's away?

How would he compute things if you worked too? Is he against that? Would it make it harder for him to justify the entire domestic sphere being your job for all hours you're at home? Would he just put down your job as insignificant and untaxing? Or would he feel obligated to play more of a domestic role?

I never understand posters who suggest you make decisions about how to sort out the family/ changes to how the family works and just tell your DH how it’s going to be... that’s not how families work.

I sympathise with him, because while he’s at work and you’re at home there’s nothing he can do to help you and getting distraught text messages must be upsetting for him. HOWEVER it sounds to me like you’re not having a great time and that you’re not getting enough support.

You need to sit down together and work out how to divide and conquer better. If he needs more headspace when he’s working, that’s fine, but how he gets that is a problem for both of you to solve, as is you not enjoying being at home with the children full time (understandable btw - it’s fucking hard and your three are very little ie demanding).

Like other posters, I’d recommend him looking after them on his own for a weekend (a) to give you a break; and (b) to help him understand your situation even just a little bit.

Good luck

You need a job and a nanny, pronto. Think of it as an investment in your marriage as well as your future.

Is he for real? Does he actually believe that providing financially is all that is required of him as a parent and husband?

I'm so sorry OP. I could not stay married to someone like this. It sounds toxic for the children as well as for you.

Why did he choose to have 3 children in 3 years if he doesn't want to do any parenting? If he chose to have that many children, then he has to suck it up and parent.

Nobody with 3 young children gets to have headspace and a completely distraction-free life where they can focus only on work. It's just not realistic.

And it's impossible to look after that many children of those ages without some help and support. A friend has 4 children all under the age of 6 and her DH gets home from work early to help her and she relies a lot on help from her own mother too. She is a SAHM but she doesn't just do everything alone.

That might be possible with one child or with a bigger age gap but it's pretty much impossible with 3 under 3, I imagine. What did he expect?

I had three under two op. Have you considered an aupair?

If you do not work you scupper your future earnings. The costs in childcare are just an investment in your future. If you do not get past your resentment and divorce, this is even more pertinent.

Why do you see childcare costs as your responsibility? You are a family, both of you bear them.

He is not supporting you as a SAHP. My DH worked long hours but did all the night waking of our middle child when our third was born 13 months later, as I was up for hours with a colicky baby. It was such a tough time but we did it together.

We now have a nanny and I do 4 days into 3. I see my children for about 30 -45 mins on those days. BUT the youngest is now 6.

This is a really difficult time and, unless you both feel supported and cherished, the ramifications can be a broken family.

Some men are arseholes and I am always amazed by the public support for them.

Seriously look at home help. Even a morning a week to help you regroup. He Is offering no help and you need some. A primary carer that is sinking is a recipe for disaster.

Might depend on his personality, he might be a fixer and want to fix all your concerns.
How often are you messaging him and with what info?

I think you should be able to vent to him freely and he should commiserate with you and show you empathy. You both could even enjoy commiserating together and find the humor in it. It is also a way for him to keep up with the children and what they are up to since he is not home much and to keep a connection with you, his wife. He is not being supportive of you during this very challenging time. Three children, ages 3, 2, and 1? You are working just as hard if not harder than he is and you’re not getting paychecks for it. Though it can be much more rewarding otherwise. I hope he will listen to you and soften toward you

He might be at work (I struggle to believe he is actually needed unless a shift worker) for 10 hours a day, but has he got it through his head that he is basically telling you to be at work and on call 24/7? Because that's what parenting is. 24/7.

He sounds like a total and utter dick.

Next day off he has, you must go out for the day and leave him with all 3. Don't prepare anything for him. Just literally leave. Don't tell him when you'll be back. Turn your phone off for a few hours. Go for a nice lunch somewhere.

Some people need to physically experience things to see the other person's side. Don't be afraid to give him the learning experience he clearly needs to pull his head out of his arse.

I like pp’s ideas of you having him watch the children for a day (and night!) all by his little lonesome and then the light will start to filter into his dim brain. You have 3 ages 3 and under and like others say, that is a 24/7 job. I bet you haven’t had one uninterrupted thought in three years. You must not be getting much if any sleep either. Your dh works a lot, any chance he could do anything about his schedule?

Tell him you’re perfectly prepared to listen to his daily problems at work. What are they? In his daily meetings while he presents the latest figures does Bill scream and stamp because he wants the delivery to happen yesterday whilst Bob drinks the water from the vase of cut flowers and ends up bashing himself on the head and does Jenny start wailing because she’s hungry?

No? Didn’t think so. And I agree. Childcare is a split cost. I know women with 3 children, who have gone back to work at a loss to keep their careers going. It was a long slog, I’m sure but they’re all at school now.

Ugh, he sounds like a total berk. I hope he has some redeeming features.

When I was SAHM and struggling with PND my husband never complained if I needed to vent to him. He understood that we are a team and I needed his support and empathy. Even if he couldn't actually DO anything right then, he could offer encouragement to the woman he loves which would often be enough to get me through the day.

As parents you are a team. Good teamwork requires communication. Successful marriages also require communication, as well as empathy, support, encouragement. Sounds like he's giving you very little (if any) of that. Perhaps marriage counselling would help? (An unbiased adult pointing out to him that they are HIS kids too so he would do well to give a damn.)

Of course, if you're calling him on the phone and expecting him to be able to talk for hours then YABU. But otherwise YANBU. How hard would it be for him to send an occasional text "I'm sorry you're having a hard day. I love you and appreciate all you do for our kids" FFS.

Go back to work. You need financial security for yourself and to invest in your family's future financial situation. Your DH needs to cut down on his hours and invest in his relationships with his children (and you) and his family's emotional situation.

I really think that looking into a nanny and going back to work makes sense for you.

1. It might be much better for your mental health because you would be around other adults, get positive feedback for your work, and so on. The fact that your DH is never home is really huge. It makes being a SAHM much more isolating.

1. Although in the short term childcare would cost more than you earn, in the long term you'll have higher lifetime wages. I didn't understand this when my own children were young and will pay the price for the rest of my life.

1. I'm sad to say, but your marriage is bust. You two can continue on for several years, but he doesn't see why he should show up physically or emotionally. Even when he is in town, he can't be bothered to show up at home until 10, but doesn't think you should communicate with him.

what is my argument? What can I fight back with? Just that some women on the internet say that based on the fact that you need to ask this question, you should start putting your ducks in order for when the marriage eventually ends. He's not bothering with the home, the children, your feelings, or the marriage.

I don't think that you should be really complaining at all. you are a stay at home Mum, and your husband is out working to support you all I think. Its hard work, and worrying at times with young children, on your own.. I was once in this position many years ago,, but only two youngsters,, my husband was always away working, all over the world, and I had no family at all to chat to or help me.
It was in the days before mobile phones etc, and so maybe he would call me from somewhere abroad and check that we were all ok, and that was it, no problems. It was maybe a little different for me then, as I loved being a stay at home Mum. and would never have used a childminder, nursery or whatever, just being with my children was lovely and so beneficial for them.

I would never ever have encroached on my Husbands work a day situation, even with some small issues with the children at home, as I knew I could deal with all things, and he knew that too.

1forall74. Are you dim? Can you not hear the distress in the OP? Marv that you had a lovely time and all That, but she, quite clearly, isn't.

He’s a prick and needs his eyes opened pronto. Could you go away for a day or two, and leave the kids with him? If that doesn’t change his tune, it’s safe to say nothing will.

Yeah the misty recesses of time before mobile phones. When women knew their place and didn't complain.

Well I travel for work as well. 60 hours last week and probably more next week. And I will field texts from DH because he has to blow off stress and I will call home at least every second night. Probably every night. And I would want to know if my child was hurt or sick.

He sounds very cold and awful, my only question is how many times are you contacting him a day because even though he is plain nasty is it very frequent?

I would never ever have encroached on my Husbands work a day situation, even with some small issues with the children at home, as I knew I could deal with all things, and he knew that too

Nobody cares what you did. This thread isn’t about you.

Totally agree with him stepping up and having the children all to himself. My DH was way more sympathetic once I’d gone back to work and he had them for one or two days a week.

I’ve hardly ever phoned him at work though in all the time we’ve been married but likewise, I don’t expect him to call me either unless it’s absolutely necessary.

It really depends on how much contact you are making.

I have a work friend. Her dh is a sahp. He must contact her 15-20 times a day to say the smallest thing. Yesterday it started at 7.50am to say that the eldest was upset because she couldnt find the money that had been left out for a school trip. The dh had money on him. He had sorted it. The child was fine. But he still sent a text 'x is upset because she cant find the money you Left'

And continues all day 'y bumped her toe', 'X was rude to me', 'y has tummy ache', 'I am bored', 'I am tired'.

He expects a fairly quick response to all these texts. Like he gas forgotton she does actually have work to do.

That said, if you arent happy being a sahp, the family finances taking a hit for childcare could be worth it in the end.

My husband likes hearing updates about our day as I’m a SAHM. Recently our DD started nursery and he always checks in the morning that she was ok at drop off etc, it’s called being a team.

He likes it if I send him pics of maybe DD playing with something. I consciously make an effort to not text the small stuff, unless she’s been having an awful day and I need a moan for 5 mins.

Did you not talk about this before you had children. Children are exhausting and cost money so yes childcare would be prohibitively expensive for three kids under four and being a SAHM to them would be exhausting. I’m guessing your H’s working patterns haven’t drastically changed in three years so it sounds like you were hoping he would be more involved than he is but how did you not realise that until your third?

Yes your H sounds like a self absorbed arse but that probably isn’t a recent character development and his rigid gender stereotypes aren’t about to change just because you want them to.

Having DD opened my eyes to the type of man/ parent Ex was, he also worked away during the week and I was for the most part a single parent. Yes, we were financially stable but the emotional support and sense of partnership wasn’t there and as much as I liked the idea of having more children I had to accept that if I had more, a) I would be doing the parental heavy lifting and b) my social life and career would take a back seat. There were many reasons why are relationship ended but a very big part of it was I didn’t want to be a single parent in a relationship, the only person who benefited from that set up was my Ex. He would come home play Daddy for two days and bugger off again. Even when he was home he’d be reluctant to be alone with DD for extended periods of time, which later translated into him choosing to terminate contact with DD later.

Unfortunately there are some people, most often men, who don’t see parenting as their responsibility, which by default makes it women’s responsibility. These men like the social status that having children brings but are reluctant in making any drastic changes to their lifestyle but luckily for them, society and a lot of women affords them this selfish mentality.

How do you get him to be more involved? With great difficulty if he doesn’t want to but I think it’s time you and he talked about expectations because it’s very clear you’ve both made assumptions about each other, which are at odds with the reality.

You appear to have sleepwalked into a relationship dynamic where traditional gender stereotypes prevail and given that this dynamic isn’t to your liking, means you are going to have to be the driving force to changing it. However, you can’t change your H’s attitude if he doesn’t want to, which means you have to decide to what extent you can compromise with someone who has such a polar opposite view to you and who might be very resistant to change.

You wouldn’t be the first woman (got that t shirt) to be confronted with the inequality of parenting and the reality that having children, impacts women’s lives in a fundamental life changing way that doesn’t apply to most men.