What to say to DH who wants us to take care of separate areas of our family life

[pleasedontmakemethinkofanother]

DH and I are the parents of three very young DC (3, 2 and 1.) due to our financial situation and the cost of childcare, I stay at home and DH works. This is not my ideal scenario, I would like to go back to work, but after maternity leaves and not being promoted, I would not earn enough to pay for the childcare at the moment.

I struggle being at home with three young DC. DH is frequently away with work for a week at a time, or returns home between 10-11pm at night so I am alone in the house with them all day and often at night.

DH has a belief that I should not bother him with my issues over being a SAHM. He says he doesn’t want to receive texts that say that DC2 was awake all night and I’m tired. Or DC3 has a temperature and I am worried she is ill. He essentially wants me to contain all this myself and take care of my “area” (ie the house and the DC) and he’ll take care of his area, (ie work and bringing money in for the family.) he says that if I complain about my day or feeling tired, or the DC, it makes him feel like he is doing both of our jobs instead of just his.

He cannot stand me offloading or voicing my feelings and often comments that I neee “five therapists” for th are amount of offloading I do.

I talk to DH because DH is supposed to be my parenting partner, because they’re his children too, and presumably if something happens then he needs to know. He says to only tell him if one of the DC is in the hospital, otherwise it detracts from his ability to be successful at work.

He says, I don’t text you all day saying “so and so is bothering me at work, do I?” Or “I feel so tired.” “So why do you do that to me?”

I am trying to work out if I am in the wrong. Whether there are SAHMs out there with three under three who manage to be completely self contained and allow their DH not to experience any of the shit parts of parenting because you do your job and he does his?

If this sounds ludicrous to you, what is my argument? What can I fight back with? He has never spent enough time with the DCs to know, really, what it is like being with them 24/7..

Putting aside the fact that I cannot for the life of me understand why you’re still married to this man, I agree with pps.

1. you can’t stop him thinking along rigid gender stereotypes. That’s who he is and you just need to decide if you can live with that.

2. get a job.

3. get a nanny and pay for them out of family money not out of your salary.

4. Leave him alone with the kids for ten hours. He’ll still be a dick when you get home but I can guarantee you’ll have plenty of texts on your phone when you switch it back on which you can point to when he complains about your texts in the future.

Great post, Isetan.

And I agree with Lweji, try and go back to work (if that's what you want to do).

In the mean time, I hope he gives you a break from the DC on weekends.

Maybe leaving the kids with him for the whole day will make see how hard it is.

One of those threads where the devil is in the detail.

How many times are you contacting a day?
If his role is very stressful with high responsibility (doctor etc) then updates from home that aren’t really necessary could be a distraction and dangerous

Work is about soooo much more than money! You are managing on one wahe now, so get yourself back to work and so what if every penny goes on a CM/nursery/nanny, you will be so much happier. I have 3 too, all of mine are in childcare because I cannot do the SAHM thing long term. I find it awful for my mental health. If you want to Work, go for it, its not just about money

Working now is also an investment, even if part time and even if it just covers child care.
We don't have to like being at home with the children. There's no gene for that.

you are a stay at home Mum, and your husband is out working to support you all

Bullshit.

People work and have a career regardless whether or not they have kids. So his career is continuing unchallenged and he’s aeiving whatever he would have done regardless.

This isn’t him working to support his family. This is him do exactly what he would have done anyway!

And the children are not just hers. He's not doing the OP a favour by working. He's supporting his children. Just as she is and enabling his work career by taking care of the children.

Being a SAHM is great if you want to be one. The OP has indicated she doesn't, so in effect she is working 24 hours a day for no money in a role she didn't choose, as her skills and earning potential atrophy, and without the support of her partner.

And since his lack of appreciation and care will eventually destroy the marriage, she needs to invest in her own future and maximise her choices by going back to work.

Go back to work! Childcare costs reduce really quickly and you will be building experience and paying into your pension (sounds like you will need it, pay extra into it from family money for slogging your guts for free at the moment!)

Why don’t you suggest swapping roles?

It may be that when you call with problems it doubles his stress -and - he feels trapped because he can't do anything about it.

So he may feel even worse because while at work he can't help with fever - even if he wanted to.

What he hears is "listen there is a problem but nothing you can do now go back to dealing with the issues you already were dealing with".

One solution is for him to acknowledge that he needs to listen and is not required to fix the issue on the spot.

On your side you might want to limit your updates to a generally agreed upon time to touch base so he doesn't feel trapped while you still get the chance to share.

I have 2 under 4 and a DH who works away in the week. he asks me everyday how they are, how I am and encourages me when we have had a bad day. He is very keen for me to "take a break" when he is home and he takes them out for a few hours to give me that when I need it.
I would not be able to cope without his support, you dh sounds cruel. Its really tough doing what you do

Why don’t you suggest swapping roles?

Which part of the OP’s OP suggests to you that her H would entertain such an idea? Jesus Christ!

OP you really need to have a conversation with yourself about what you want and how you can get as close to that given who your H is. You’ve been foolish in not thinking that three kids under four wasn’t going to be exhausting and given your H’s work and general attitude, that fatherhood would significantly change him.

I get it, I really do there’s nothing as depressingly demoralising when you realise that you’ve sleptwalked into a 1950’s marriage dynamic. However, theres nothing accidental in becoming a SAHM to three kids under four, you essentially bought into a relationship/ parenting gender stereotype and now have buyers remorse because your H’s vision of that stereotype, isn’t as flexible or egalitarian as you’d hoped.

If you want a career and or a life that is separate from being a Mum then you are going to have to fight, sacrifice and create opportunities that realise those ambitions. Your H will undoubtedly push back because a precedent has been set where you’re the de facto parent and he isn’t willingly going to concede ground that benefits his selfish wants.

Can your marriage survive this current power imbalance? I don’t know but if the price for staying in the marriage is essentially being a nanny and housekeeper with gf experience duties, then you need to decide if that’s a price you can, or are willing to pay.

Good luck.

DH and I message each other during the day and often speak at lunchtime, and we are both at work. Sometimes that will be issues with the kids and sometimes that will be 'I've got a big meeting and I'm nervous'. Obviously we have to get our jobs done, but supporting each other's emotional welfare is a part of our roles as spouses, leaving aside the parenting thing! He seems incredibly unsympathetic.

I don't get how it took until having your third child to notice your husband doesn't engage as a father.

Your life sounds really hard, and you must be knackered. But how else could life be, with three small kids and an absent father?

You'll get to relax and chill out in about eight years. That's parenthood.

I also don't understand why you view childcare as your cost alone. For me it's a joint expense that comes out of your combined income.

I think the answer lies in how often uou text him during his working day. His responses seem to indicate it's a lot. There is clearly things that are normal parenting you should be able to manage, then stuff you talk about at home, and stuff you need to interrupt his day for.

So I think uou need to clarify how often uou text him during the day.

However I think the bigger issue is you need to stop thinking of childcare costs as your sole responsibility.

I think the answer lies in how often you text him during his working day
Thing is if its twice a day he's a crap dad and partner. If its 20 she's obviously struggling so he's at least a crap partner.

I know we all have to do a job that pays but given op is struggling so much, I wonder if he's even considered an option where he could actually live with his family and see his kids.

Re childcare costs, even if the costs are split, if op can earn 10k and childcare costs 15k then that is still a net loss as a household even though strictly halves she's 2.5 k up

The OP has martyred herself upon the alter of Motherhood and is frustrated that her sacrifice isn’t being recognised, supported or acknowledged in the way that she wants. I too would be irritated by updates and complaints about my children during my working day, not to be deliberately unsupportive but because it would negatively impact on my ability to do my job well. I remember when Ex would bitch and complain about his colleagues to me, which got old pretty damn quick, especially when he never wanted to be part of the solution to his problems.

However, the OP is obviously struggling with her choices (and no I don’t see being a SAHM as a family choice because there’s no way in hell I’d agree to being a SAHM if it wasn’t what I wanted, especially given the lowly status and precarious position of SAHM’s). Just like the OP’s H has suggested a solution to the problem he has with her contacting him about her frustrations, she is also free to offer up practical solutions to her issues of isolation and exhaustion that comes with being a SAHM to three young children.

Bitching and complaining might offer temporary release but it’s not a positive or long lasting solution and can have a very negative effect on the relationship.

OP, be part of the solution not just part of the problem.

If he's right and you need five therapists to support you in this incredibly full on '3 under 4' endeavour that you've both seemingly signed you up for - then get five therapists.

The point is you clearly need support. If he can't provide it because he's away and unavailable, you need to find it elsewhere - a nanny, some time to yourself and perhaps (when you're ready) a job - might be more useful than therapists.

I would never have texted DP during his working day, unless urgent. I'd have hated personal interruptions when working myself and detest the 'constant expectation of availability' culture that mobiles have created with some people.

BUT I knew that when DP got home from work he wanted to spend time with dd, would ask about her day and be engaged in discussions about her needs and wants. That when working away he'd skype / Facetime every evening.

In that situation there were the trials and tedium of the day with small dc but no sense of doing parenting alone, or desperation to break through a wall of disengaged silence - which might well drive you to try to make contact at inopportune moments, just to get a reaction.

Isetan but his colleagues aren't your problem, the op's three kids are his. Either things are ducking awful and he doesn't care or OP is struggling to cope and he doesn't care or OP is bombarding him deliberately because he doesn't care.

I text my husband when something relevant happens or there's a cute moment or I'm stressed. I have no reflection
Expectation of him replying immediately but if he was away as much as op's partner is I would expect him to be interested

Tell him that as he chose to have a family and is a parent and part of a family, he doesn't get to opt out of that responsibility just because he goes to work.

It's pretty normal to text your partner with the odd comment about how your day is going, whether you're SAHM or at work. If you're doing this really excessively, he has a point tbh, but from the tone of his remarks it sounds like he has you right where he wants you and he's delighted to be able to go and be important at work as long as you stfu about your tedious domestic drudgery that he won't even lower himself to think about.

The thing is, if teh DH is working until 10-11pm or is away all week, if the OP wants to communicate with him at all, she has very little option but do to it during 'work' hours.

Does he need to work that long, or is he actively avoiding homelife?

ID have lost it when he’s mentioned that the house and kids were “my area” 🤔
Did he not want children? I suspect he did. Are you a maid? I suspect your not. He wanted children and a wife to share his life with so why is he handing over every responsibility to you alone? Sounds like he can’t be arsed to be a dad or an attentive partner. Yes he works, so does my DH, who has a very physical job, but he will listen to me moan about the kids or how tired I am because he gets it, he knows how difficult it is. He will still feed the baby, bath the baby, read bedtime stories to our older child, help with homework, that’s what a dad does despite whether they have a job or not!! Tell your partner to act like a real partner and dad before you divorce him which means he will have to pay maintenance and have the kids totally alone ALL weekend, bet he will soon change!

I had five under seven. My XH worked away. One day DD1 fell and broke her arm, he was hundreds of miles away and couldn't be contacted, so I had to cope. But, my God, was I resentful! When I did get in touch, he wasn't at all bothered, he considered his 'job' was to work and mine was to raise the children and not worry him with hospital stays/having to farm out the rest of the kids/being awake for nights on end with no respite.

He is an ex. Raising five kids alone was a breeze compared to having a man who considered his 'job' to be more important than anything else in the world. A cautionary tale for you, OP.

It just sounds like you're in for a very sad and lonely existence if this is how he wants to proceed.

You'd have essentially no relationship left once the kids are grown up, so what the hell is he going to allow you to talk about then???