What to say to DH who wants us to take care of separate areas of our family life

[pleasedontmakemethinkofanother]

DH and I are the parents of three very young DC (3, 2 and 1.) due to our financial situation and the cost of childcare, I stay at home and DH works. This is not my ideal scenario, I would like to go back to work, but after maternity leaves and not being promoted, I would not earn enough to pay for the childcare at the moment.

I struggle being at home with three young DC. DH is frequently away with work for a week at a time, or returns home between 10-11pm at night so I am alone in the house with them all day and often at night.

DH has a belief that I should not bother him with my issues over being a SAHM. He says he doesn’t want to receive texts that say that DC2 was awake all night and I’m tired. Or DC3 has a temperature and I am worried she is ill. He essentially wants me to contain all this myself and take care of my “area” (ie the house and the DC) and he’ll take care of his area, (ie work and bringing money in for the family.) he says that if I complain about my day or feeling tired, or the DC, it makes him feel like he is doing both of our jobs instead of just his.

He cannot stand me offloading or voicing my feelings and often comments that I neee “five therapists” for th are amount of offloading I do.

I talk to DH because DH is supposed to be my parenting partner, because they’re his children too, and presumably if something happens then he needs to know. He says to only tell him if one of the DC is in the hospital, otherwise it detracts from his ability to be successful at work.

He says, I don’t text you all day saying “so and so is bothering me at work, do I?” Or “I feel so tired.” “So why do you do that to me?”

I am trying to work out if I am in the wrong. Whether there are SAHMs out there with three under three who manage to be completely self contained and allow their DH not to experience any of the shit parts of parenting because you do your job and he does his?

If this sounds ludicrous to you, what is my argument? What can I fight back with? He has never spent enough time with the DCs to know, really, what it is like being with them 24/7..

I agree: consider a return to work.

Before getting the job, explain that you'll have to split the time taken off to look after the children when they're unwell. When children start nursery, they're off a lot with bugs and viruses. Also consider the schedule of who will get them ready in the mornings (avoid this one!), drop them off and pick up.

This CANNOT fall only on your shoulders.

If you don't want to return to paid work, I'd give up telling DH how you feel about different challenges in your day. He's completely unsympathetic so there's no point. Go to a playgroup and offload: lots of people in similar circumstances to empathise with you.

Lweji -
It's not a question of whose wages pay for childcare. Op and her DH could have a joint account for all we know.

I know several couples where the wife going back to work is simply financially impossible. The couple's joint income would not offset the cost of childcare. If the child carer went back to work, the couple couldn't pay the mortgage. If the husband is the bigger earner, the wife stays at home and vv. Otherwise, they simply can't make ends meet.

I know several couples where the wife going back to work is simply financially impossible. The couple's joint income would not offset the cost of childcare. If the child carer went back to work, the couple couldn't pay the mortgage.

We don't know if that is the case here.

And you missed my point. They could be financially worse off initially, but with added work time, it could well pay off in terms of promotions, etc.

And I think what you mean is the lowest income, not the wife's income. Not all wives earn less than their husbands.

In my case it was indeed the reverse, and initially I thought it was worth losing some money for the first three years as my husband might find it much more difficult to find work later on and would lose out on opportunities. (see point above)
So, I'm speaking from experience and from personal choice, not a pie in the sky position.

£100 says that if you go back to work he will still expect the house to be "your area".

£100 says that if you go back to work he will still expect the house to be "your area".

This times a million

What Nordic said. I hate men that have children and expect nothing in their lives to change. My life has changed MASSIVELY since having a kid and my husbands not so much, he still gets up and goes to work like he always did. (Difference is my husband isn't a complete arse about it)

Op, you have two choices. You leave him, so continue to do it all most of the time but have other times where you have a total break and the children are his "area" You will still have to clean up after your children but you won't have to clean up after him anymore

Or you can stay with him but his attitude is completely at odds with you being a sahm. You must go back to work full time, ensure you are clear that right from the start you split childcare (both the logistics and the cost) plus all domestic tasks absolutely 50/50.

Did you know you can get 30 hours for your eldest?

What happens at weekends? Do you get a break? Does he do any parenting then?

Pack his bags and leave them on the drive. Obviously you can’t text him at work because this is a “home” issue so you can’t bother him with it during his working hours.

You know, I actually think the practicalities of how often you text, getting a job, etc, are irrelevant.

On a personal and relationship level, I would find this devastating. It's so sad, that this man doesn't want to be a parent, nor does he want to interact with his wife.

I'm sorry, OP. Is this kind of life - this kind of love - enough for you?

I really couldn't agree with this more. The hours worked and number of texts etc are irrelevant afaic. I would have to leave someone who was so contemptuous and unappreciative.

" I would have to leave someone who was so contemptuous and unappreciative."

This.

The person he promised to love and cherish is struggling and his attitude is 'deal with it, don't bother me'

That's not on.

Oh, and he's never home so that OP could actually go and get therapy or some other kind of break or support.

Lweji - 'due to our financial situation and the cost of childcare, I stay at home and DH works.'

I'm assuming from this that Op is the lower earner. I do know a teacher who went back to work because she was a teacher and her DH, as a butcher, earned less and was a SAHD, but the other couples I was referring to had the wife as the lower earner.

Yes - it would be good for her career if she went back to work sooner rather than later, but the point is that they haven't the money to spare to take the hit while she earns less than the cost of childcare for 3 children.
They would be going into debt while she moves up the career ladder waiting for a promotion that might never come.

It may just be London and the S.E. but I know couples who can't afford to have a second child or have to have a 5 yr gap between siblings because they can't afford to have 2 dcs in nursery at the same time.

the point is that they haven't the money to spare to take the hit while she earns less than the cost of childcare for 3 children

She didn't say that. She said that she didn't earn enough to cover childcare. It's not the same thing.

They might be able to afford childcare. They might break even either way. They might find hiring a nanny less expensive than having 3 in a center, but haven't priced that option yet.

The OPer might have options she doesn't realize she has.

Exactly. I read what the OP wrote.
In any case, if the OP decided to get a job it would probably put things in perspective for him. Together with the threat of maintenance in case of a split to compensate for loss of earnings.

YANBU
I message and send pics of the kids to DP loads each day, he only sends a few short ones back usually every couple of hours as he's busy, but he doesn't mind me messaging about anything.
Usually if I haven't for a bit he'll message asking how the kids are/what we're up to so I assume he's interested rather than bored overall even if I do go on a bit

Have you let DP know that sometimes you just need to share/vent and don't necessarily need a proper reply?

Does he always come home at 10 or 11pm ? If so when does he see his children? When do you talk ? If not and he is home at say 6pm most days, is he interested in the children and you then ?

The way you have explained it is that he takes no interest at all. He is their father. He is unreasonable to compare you telling him something about his children, to him telling you about someone at work. He should want to know about their day and yours. He should be interested. He sounds as though he only has time for work which is unacceptable as he has children and a wife and should make time for you all.

That said, I generally don't contact my partner when he is at work with things that I can easily talk to him about later as he is busy and there is just no point. But I wouldn't be made to feel bad if I did. If one of our children is ill, he will generally call or text to see how they are though or if one of them has something important on at school he will text and see how it went etc. I know that even when he is very busy and stressed at work, he still thinks of us. I think that is the important thing,

I would not be okay with the situation you describe and if you are not then you need to change it.

Absolutely go back to work at once. View the childcare costs as an investment which you will find more useful than spa days. I would suggest a live out nanny. Not as expensive as you might think and with 3 little ones worth their weight in gold if anyone is sick. Childcare is a family bill not one you have to cover. Expensive childcare for little ones is reasonably short lived. Good luck.

I'm sorry but he sounds awful. They are his children too. Sure we all need to concentrate at work but such extreme compartmentalization is deeply uncaring and unkind.

@maybaby17

Facilitated men 1
Facilitated men 2

What's he like when he's away from the office OP? Is he interested in family life then?

It wasn't financial sense for me to go back to work with two DC of a few months old and put them in nursery, but I did it anyway. Best thing I ever did. Out of joint finances.
Tell him if you split he'll have sole custody of three DC 3.5 days a week and then he'll quickly have to bother sorting the shit parts of parenting. And say it seriously. You've got the short straw here OP and need to rethink long term.

Did someone buy him a 1950s 'what to expect from your wife' type book for Christmas by any chance? I text my husband about all the things you just said on the days I'm off work and at home with the dc. That's what I thought being in a relationship was about. My dh text to tell me about his day in work. YANBU!!!

Why wasn't thus discussed before you had kids? Or after one child or two children?

Having three kids so close together is extremely stressful...you must have known this and that you'd be doing the lions share and more.

Childcare for 3 children is expensive and it may not make sense for the family to do this.

I feel for you...because a relative had 3 under 3 like you and ended up having PND and a nervous breakdown with the lack of support from her DH...They split up in the end.

It's important that you get some time to yourself though.

SAH clearly isn’t working for you and your H’s attitudes about partnership and parenting are shit.

Plan to back to WoH.

Your H should also seek a new job or terms/conditions to reduce his working hours and travel.

Or get divorced.

The short term financial costs to the family of you WoH will be far, far less costly than the long term potential costs to you personally of being out of the labour market.

While your H earns plenty, builds his career and expects you to STFU about your domestic work and parenting. He gets to be a parent but do none of the work of it and have the career, and all the economic power.