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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Follow on from my AIBU thread 'to be sad about DP spending Christmas at his exes'

731 replies

Tumbleweeds24 · 29/01/2018 00:03

Had to start a new thread here. I posted in aibu in December as I was 36 weeks pregnant and my partner was spending Xmas at his exes.

I suspected foul play and finally found out today that they slept together on Christmas day, she's now pregnant. He's been lying to us both for months and when I went to speak to his ex in person he's done a runner saying nobody will ever see him again and turned his phone off. He's also fucked me over in not paying the rent.

Currently cradling my 2 week old son wondering wtf I'm going to do.

OP posts:
NotYetMadeYourMindUp · 29/01/2018 15:24

What a truly incredible turn of events.

EmyRoo · 29/01/2018 15:34

It’s not ridiculous, there was a poster here with an anonymous name whose xH did precisely use her posts in legal action. The police advised her to have them deleted, which she did.
The advice I gave is valid, Tumble is old enough and wise enough to consider it without any eye-rolling Hmm 🙄

AcrossthePond55 · 29/01/2018 15:44

Naming your son as you did is a good concrete step. It's something that you DID rather than just something you've 'thought about', iyswim. Good for you.

If he keeps contacting you all apologetic and "what can I doooo to make it riiiiight", tell him that if he really wants to 'prove' to you that he wants to put you first then he will stop contacting you and give you time to process this.

Have you considered blocking him? Even if only for a few hours at a time?

Tumbleweeds24 · 29/01/2018 15:59

I probably should just block him, I don't know why I haven't. It's like I want to read what he has to say, but not talk to him. Does that make any sense?

The latest ones are how he doesn't want to lose me or our son and would it make any difference if he "spoke to her about having this baby" which given the history I now know of means he would probably try to persuade her to abort.

It just gets worse doesn't it. I would never want that on my conscience and I can't believe he thinks so little of my character to assume it would be something I'd want, to be the reason somebody pushes another person to abort their baby.

Sick.

OP posts:
EmyRoo · 29/01/2018 16:01

Yes, it gets worse. I would block him. He is not helping matters and you need space and rest.

Lizzie48 · 29/01/2018 16:03

He is truly a despicable individual, no question about that. He really does just want to have 2 women running after him. Hmm

LexieLulu · 29/01/2018 16:06

Block him, and does he have a key to yours? If so get the locks changed!

Graphista · 29/01/2018 16:07

I said block him ages ago, you need some respite even if only temporarily.

Whether she's really pregnant or not, whether it's his, that HE believes it shows they did have sex. That's all you need to know.

To ask you to be complicit in his decision to try and get her to abort AGAIN is so unbelievably vile I hardly know how to describe such a man. Politically I'm very liberal but when you hear about men like this enforced vasectomy idea is VERY tempting!

QuiteLikely5 · 29/01/2018 16:09

I’m shocked! On your previous thread I commented how nice he was giving his children one last Xmas and also saying it was nice he had your blessing.

Even if he comes back you will never trust him again

Motoko · 29/01/2018 16:23

I agree that you need to be wary of his ex, but it's a good idea to have a cordial relationship with her in order to facilitate the siblings relationships.

ArnoldBee · 29/01/2018 16:25

Not sure if it's a comfort but with you just being pregnant you would have had STI checks during your pregnancy so unless he's been extremely busier than you already know about you shoukd be fairly clear.

Graphista · 29/01/2018 16:33

Arnold they're only offered not done automatically (consent legalities) and not all sti's are covered.

Tumbleweeds24 · 29/01/2018 16:56

I took his door key off him last night as soon as we left to go to her flat. It's the first thing I did, just incase it turned out to be true.

He says he hasn't seen any pregnancy tests either, I did think that was a little odd as when I found out I was pregnant the first thing I did was send him photo of the test, he was at work at the time. Despite seeing no concrete evidence I do still believe it, and like somebody just pointed out - the fact he slept with her is enough for me to know he's a POS who can never be trusted again.

So mad at myself for believing his shit, especially when for months I've been suspicious about him. I even had dreams he was cheating which clearly shows a massive level of conscious distrust.

I said earlier in my other post he hasn't seen his older kids in 2 weeks prior to yesterday, well that turned out to be a lie aswell so i found out last night. He went round there last Sunday after playing sports which he does every weekend. He span me a line about how he lost his key so had to go back and find it resulting in him coming home 3 hours later than usual. Coincidentally, the night before this I had dreamt he had gone out and lied about his whereabouts, how's that for a bloody coincidence.

I don't know why he lied about going there, probably because I put my foot down shortly beforehand and said I'm not comfortable with him having all his contact at her flat now our son was here and I wanted him to sort out a proper arrangement. Instead of doing that he just lied about going there, coward.

It did turn out to be true that he went there asking for the children to meet yesterday and she said no because he had literally sprang it on her which is fair enough. However, the cheeky horrible git asked whether he could "bring the baby up" to her flat and not take them all out as he told me he intended to do.

OP posts:
mapmybum · 29/01/2018 17:07

Do you know whether his brother visiting on Xmas day was also bullshit? Or was he in on it?

mamahanji · 29/01/2018 17:08

This is a truly disgusting read. OP I'm sorry that he had been such a prize wankstain. It baffles the mind that he can treat another human being like he has treated all of you.

This might sound weird, but I have found it easier to get over the people that were worse to me than the people that weren't. Does that make sense? He has been so fucking horrific that you are so disgusted and view him like pond scum, so once the pain of betrayal and raw feelings settle down, there won't be so much of that ache for 'aww but that was so fun and I wish this and that' it will be 'ergh remember when every little bloody thing that came out of his mouth was a lie, and also lied and bitched about me to his ex'.

Once the initial shock and adjustment settles, you're not going to feel anything but contempt and repulsion for him.

He is slime and you are amazing!

Tumbleweeds24 · 29/01/2018 17:08

The ex has just messaged me and said the police will be wanting to speak to him because the disturbance outside the flats last night was reported, and her sister has made a statement about him pushing her and kicking a car wing mirror. I was there so they will probably want to speak to me as a witness too

Ffs this is all I need atm.

OP posts:
Tumbleweeds24 · 29/01/2018 17:10

Aww thanks mama

And I don't know maji, haven't been able to confirm whether his brother was there or not. I'm guessing he wasn't and his name was thrown in just to add weight to the shit heads cover story.

OP posts:
Tumbleweeds24 · 29/01/2018 17:10

Map* sorry lol

OP posts:
DearMrDilkington · 29/01/2018 17:18

Do you know if the police have spoken to him yet?

Tumbleweeds24 · 29/01/2018 17:18

I'm not sure I don't think so.

I'm not likely to have social services become concerned due to this am i? I'm worried now.

OP posts:
GrooovyLass · 29/01/2018 17:21

Oh op I've just caught up. I'd be cautious about the ex but if she's on the level it would be good for you, and your children, to have a friendly relationship. Good luck Flowers

Graphista · 29/01/2018 17:25

I doubt SS will be too concerned as he's no longer living with you - they may offer some support though which may come in handy at the moment

DearMrDilkington · 29/01/2018 17:31

They might want to check his not living with you anymore, ss are usually lovely though so I wouldn't worry about it too much. It's unlikely they'll get involved unless he gets arrested, even then they'll probably only ring to see if your ok.

SandyY2K · 29/01/2018 17:36

There's nothing to indicate his Ex is lying about anything so far. You can confirm pregnancy before ypur next period with the test kits around these days.

Tumbleweeds24 · 29/01/2018 17:40

He's never been violent toward me or done anything that required me to call the police, and there was never any police logs about domestics during his relationship with his ex neither. This incident was focussed around the exes sister and sparked when she raised her voice to him and called him shit dad. Which he is.

He raised his voice back and "let's go and speak to the ex then because it's nothing to do with you were here to talk to her" and turned to walk into the communal doors, with that she pulled the door in her direction to block his entry and he pushed the door back which resulted in her being pushed back as she was holding the door.

He then said oh fuck this I can't be doing with this and stormed off, kicking a wing mirror on his way out of the car park. That's what happened.

I was stood there quietly I didn't get drawn into the shouting etc.

OP posts: