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Original poster

Follow on from my AIBU thread 'to be sad about DP spending Christmas at his exes'

731 replies

Tumbleweeds24 · 29/01/2018 00:03

Had to start a new thread here. I posted in aibu in December as I was 36 weeks pregnant and my partner was spending Xmas at his exes.

I suspected foul play and finally found out today that they slept together on Christmas day, she's now pregnant. He's been lying to us both for months and when I went to speak to his ex in person he's done a runner saying nobody will ever see him again and turned his phone off. He's also fucked me over in not paying the rent.

Currently cradling my 2 week old son wondering wtf I'm going to do.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 08/02/2018 01:35

If you haven't (and I'm sorry if it's been mentioned upthread) I'd talk to your LL about getting the locks or lock barrels changed. You'd probably have to pay for it, but it would be worth it. Or at the very least, put up a chain or bolt so he can't just stroll in.

You're right. I think he's using his stuff as a 'foot in the door'. Or an excuse/reason why he should have free access to the flat.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 08/02/2018 08:15

I've sent my landlord a text asking him to call me when he gets a minute, to discuss the tenancy and his place on it. I'm prepared to pay for the locks to be changed myself if he says that's ok.

Feeling really annoyed today, for my little boy. I keep thinking how unfair it is that he's going to miss out on growing up alongside his siblings, that he's going to be the pushed out black sheep- because his father has made such a colossal fuck up of everything and chosen to procreate with such a spiteful woman. It's just sad isn't it? Or am i being daft.

They'll be playing happy families again before long, new baby and all, meanwhile all Toby has in the world is me. He will want for nothing, I'm just sad for him :-(

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 08/02/2018 08:41

Better to just have you than to be part of their crazy mixed up world.

Motoko · 08/02/2018 08:45

It is sad, but he'll be fine. He's got you, and you might have more children in the future. Also, there's no guarantee he'd get on with them. My younger sibling and I only played together for about the first 4 years, after that we fought all the time, and I still try to avoid them now.

Most locks can be changed really easily by yourself, no need to pay a locksmith. Places like B&Q sell the barrels, and you only need a screwdriver. Have a look on YouTube for videos to show you how to do it. When we changed the barrel in our front door last year, it cost under £20.

Granville72 · 08/02/2018 10:02

Yep don't have him in the flat. Meet at the library, parent baby group or something, but not at home.

DotCottonDotcom · 08/02/2018 11:09

They'll be playing happy families again before long, new baby and all, meanwhile all Toby has in the world is me. He will want for nothing, I'm just sad for him :-(

Happy families is not living in a shitty stinking house and having toxic parents.
Toby and you got the best deal out of this. All he has is you. And you offer more than their standard of living. You’re a bloody diamond. And he will sure look after you when you’re old :) you are both going to have such an incredible bond.

Weezol · 08/02/2018 13:02

My cousin brought her son up alone after his dad disappeared early on (as did hers. Then her mum disowned her when she was pregnant at 19). They live a borough of London notorious for sink schools, poverty, gangs, drugs and knife crime. A number of his school peers are addicts, in prison (or both) and two were dead through knife crime by the time he was 20.

He did A levels at college and went to university locally so he could live with his mum.

He's just qualified as a pharmacist and started his first job in a dispensary. He says the biggest factor in this was his mum giving him a stable home, love and encouragement. Not money, not a show dad, just knowing she had his back and he had hers.
He's just taken my cousin and her friends out for a meal to celebrate my cousin getting promotion to manager at the place that she started working at part-time when he first went to school.

There were hard times financially, really difficult periods when her son was early teens and when she was ill, but my lord, they are unstoppable as a unit. We are incredibly proud of them.

You really, really remind me of my cousin.

MachineBee · 08/02/2018 14:05

Your future away from those awful people will be so much better for your DS than having contact with half-siblings from a dysfunctional family dynamic.

If you feel he needs contact with other children then talk to your HV. In time he’ll be at nursery, then school and any groups he gets involved with as he grows up. He’ll make friends as he goes along and some may turn out to be mates for life.

I love my family, but I also have some amazing friends who sometimes go far further in supporting me than my family do.

You are doing so well and will provide your DS a real, safe and loving family life. It will not resemble any fake imagery posted on social media. In your heart you know this, but it’s worth reminding yourself from time to time to stay strong.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 08/02/2018 18:23

You're all right. He will have a better life with just me than he would ever have being tangled up in a blended family who don't have his best interests at heart. He will never mean to any of them what he does to me, nobody will go above and beyond to give him a good life as much as I will. I never want him to feel rejection or second best. Those are things he will never feel when it's just me and him, but may well do if I promote a connection to that family.

Weezol your cousin sounds amazing, as does her son. I'm flattered you say I remind you of her. If that isn't a testimony to single parenthood then I don't know what is. What a woman she must be.

Laughed out loud about the stinking flat. True! One thing is for sure and that's my little boys home is immaculate, I could never allow him to live in unsanitary conditions. It amazes me that some people don't seem to give a toss what their poor DC are living in.

Things might be tough now but I know everything is gonna be ok eventually, I don't need any man least of all one like him. I've got the only man in my life right here, my little one

I really appreciate the encouragement and support from you lot, you're great x

OP posts:
Weezol · 08/02/2018 19:16

'A woman is like a teabag. You never know how strong it is until it's in hot water'
Eleanor Roosevelt

'Love ain't supposed to feel bad'
Oprah Winfrey.

'Fuck 'em. You want a quarter of this cake with your brew?'
Weezol

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 08/02/2018 20:16

I absolutely love you Haha!

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 08/02/2018 21:51

And by the way, no one has a crystal ball and you don't know if you'll be going through life 'just the two of you'. Just the two of you is enough and life will be grand. But just keep yourself open to the possibilities of what life has in store for you. There may be someone down the road, there may not be. But don't discount the possibility!

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 08/02/2018 22:11

That's true, I just might. I can't see myself wanting another relationship for a long time after this but like you said who knows what the future has in store. I don't believe I'm automatically undesirable just because I'm a single mum, hopefully one day somebody will appreciate me/us but until then we'll plod along Just the two of us :)

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 09/02/2018 00:34

I agree that a good long break from the dating pool is probably in order. Too much bullshit. I've been out of it for 30+ years and (God forbid) if I should ever become single again, I doubt I'd stick a toe in it ever again!

For right now, Toby is all the man you need. Isn't it wonderful, all wrapped up with your baby and so completely in love with him? I remember those days as some of the happiest of my life.

Motoko · 09/02/2018 09:13

I remember those days too. When they're fast asleep and their little round cheeks are all rosy, and you should be either having a nap or getting on with things, but all you do is sit there cuddling them and watching every little twitch on their face, and wonder in awe that you made this perfect, tiny human being, with their tiny toes and teeny tiny toenails. You grew them, in your body! And you realise you've never loved like you love them, it's all encompassing.

And then they grow up!

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 09/02/2018 09:15

It really is such a special time, he's definitely going to be a mummys boy. He's my little ray of sunshine :-)

I got a response about XP's belongings, his dad 'can't' come for them because he's 'going away' so he will collect them himself. I'm dubious of course, i don't want to deal with him personally. I'd rather send them in a taxi or van to his work.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 09/02/2018 09:38

His belonging can be waiting for him in the garden on a dry day.

Just a note on the tenancy, is there anyone willing to be a guarantor? Landlords tend to like to have as many on the tenancy as possible to give them as many people to chase for outstanding money should they need to.

If your LL isn’t agreeable to removing your ex you could have this suggestion ready as your back up. Obviously fingers crossed you get sole tenancy without the need for this.

BiddyPop · 09/02/2018 09:38

If you absolutely HAVE to let Ex get his own things, have them all boxed/black sacked up in the hall ready to go. Try and have a friend over for coffee and cake at the same time. He is allowed in to get the bags and nothing else. That is all he is there for.

Make a separate arrangement to see him locally (library, coffee shop, park on a nice day) so that he can see Toby. (If possible, I'd try and have him asleep with X comes - so he can't disturb nap time and no, he can't wait - you have already an arrangement to see him at X time on X day and this trip is ONLY about getting his stuff that he had not collected previously).

But you can always say that "that doesn't work for me" and send them in the van/a taxi.

MyOtherProfile · 09/02/2018 10:41

Yes definitely take control of the belongings hand over. Do it in a way that suits you.

Mxyzptlk · 09/02/2018 10:43

I'd rather send them in a taxi or van to his work.

So just do that. Don't let him tell you what to do.

Mxyzptlk · 09/02/2018 10:45

This guy has lied to you, non-stop, and has completely betrayed you.
Don't give him an inch, or even a centimetre!

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 09/02/2018 11:18

I text him back saying he can't come round the flat so if his dad isn't coming to get it all then it's going to his workplace tomorrow evening. He can store it there until he leaves the next morning and arrange his own transport back to his dads.

He said he's off work tonight so can't he just come for an hour see Toby and get his stuff at the same time.

I replied again saying no, itll be delivered to work at 8.30 and I'll be in touch next week to arrange contact at the local library up the road.

He said thats "out of order" and that he's coming tonight.

He bloody isn't. I'll go to my aunt's if needs be so he will be coming to an empty flat

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 09/02/2018 11:29

I've left it there I'm not engaging in text tennis, he's claiming to have a panic attack now. Fucking idiot

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/02/2018 11:38

Panicking because he's realised he can't wheedle his way back in I suspect GrinGrinGrin

AcrossthePond55 · 09/02/2018 11:51

Good for you!! See how strong you are?

This is a good example of why you need those locks changed or a bolt on the door.