Follow on from my AIBU thread 'to be sad about DP spending Christmas at his exes'

[Tumbleweeds24]

Had to start a new thread here. I posted in aibu in December as I was 36 weeks pregnant and my partner was spending Xmas at his exes.

I suspected foul play and finally found out today that they slept together on Christmas day, she's now pregnant. He's been lying to us both for months and when I went to speak to his ex in person he's done a runner saying nobody will ever see him again and turned his phone off. He's also fucked me over in not paying the rent.

Currently cradling my 2 week old son wondering wtf I'm going to do.

He's a dirty weak disgusting bastard and she's a bloody cheap slag

Let him think about that while he's festering away in a filthy flat with his consolation prize and a baby he doesn't want.

I hope you have told him exactly that!

I actually didn't bother to add to this thread because it was so bloody Jeremy Kyle. But now you've realised that,I hope you also know that you are way above these losers. Yes he has been punching way above his weight. I don't k now your history but I really couldn't imagine why you were stooping to their level. You're young. You and your son can forge a good life together. But not while these drama lamas are holding you back. Do your baby a favour and cut ties. And don't believe that JK myth that every child should know it's father. That only works if the father is father material. He could damage your child, in fact he probably will. You sound like a lovely devoted mother. Get shot of the chaff!

Be careful not to fall into the trap of blaming her so you feel better about taking him back. From snippets you've given (about your violent ex and possible alcoholic mother) you're used to being surrounded by inappropriate people and this can heavily influence how you are able to put appropriate boundaries in place. Break the cycle for your son so he grows up with a better chance than you. Try to realise that taking him back would be setting a path of behaviour that will impact hugely on your son long term. It says that living a chaotic life is normal. I do hope you have the strength to get through this and make the change.

Yea I told him exactly that, that he's a dirty Jeremy Kyle reject and I hope he's happy with what he's left with because I'm out of the equation. I said enjoy raising a baby you didn't want and have been trapped with. I hope that child never suffers because of your selfish actions.

When I've spoke to him I haven't been in tears or sounding like I'm heartbroken. I won't give him the satisfaction of knowing how shitty I've felt about all of this.

My mum's coming round to stay again tonight and I'm gonna have a little move around of the furniture, stick his Xbox and other bits and bobs in the storage cupboard until they're taken out my way. I've text his dad and said they need to be collected by next Friday.

Onwards and upwards!

Sunflowers I won't be taking him back, finding out what I have hasn't changed anything for me - only made me resent him more. If he thought it would make me blame her and not him he was wrong. They are both responsible, but he was the one who had commitments to me.

The cycle is well and truly broken.

I think the JK 'myth' is not that fathers should always be involved in their child's life. He believes that a child should always be told the truth about who their bio parents are, which I do agree with.

My DDs are adopted and birth siblings. My DH is absolutely their father. But we've always been entirely honest about their bio parents, in an age appropriate way of course. Very sadly, my youngest DNephew (DSis's DS) is adopted, but the bio mum has never revealed who his father is. She obviously had her reasons for relinquishing him, but it will be difficult to explain it to DNephew in years to come. (He does have a really lovely father in my BIL, though.)

It's about the truth, not about whether a father should be involved or not. The relationship between the ex and his exP is clearly dysfunctional, so imo, the OP would be thoroughly reasonable to cut herself off from these drama llamas completely and never look back.

You're doing really well, @Tumbleweeds24

He will always know who his father is but I don't hold much hope for consistency with contact. Once the dust settles regular contact will be arranged but I give it a month before he mucks it up somehow, at which point it'll be his own fault he misses out and definitely not mine. At least I'll be able to say I did right by my little boy.

Wow! Words fail me. The manipulative cow. I think given what you've told us she will kick herself in the arse when she realises she will get no child benefit, tax credits etc now for this child as she already has two. And her LOL adventure will see her worse off financially as you can be sure he won't be able to afford to pay more.

Secondly I think you need a bath. With lots of bubbles.
But before you do refer to my emergency pack and sing along with the catchiest fuck you song ever written.

Lily Allen "fuck you"

As a female who enjoys music I'm sure that you will agree it's a God send of a song.

Follow it up with "Gives you hell" by All American Rejects.

This too will pass my dear. It's very very early days and you need to hold onto that anger and rage to get through your current situation. But the greatest way to get back at him is to show him you aren't phased, inconvenienced yes, but he's replaceable!

Sing and repeat!!

Sadly that's the edited version. But you get the jist. Fill in the words!

All American Rejects

Coincidentally was listening to all American rejects yesterday! Brilliant song. I'll download "Lily Allen - fuck you" and add it to my play list :-)

Oh yes. The benefits. I didn't stop to think exactly how financially worse off she will be, aside him not providing enough. Well she's in for a shit few years then it seems. Haha!

No doubt she will come to regret this as much as he does when they're both holed up under each other's feet with a baby they can't afford that he felt trapped by.

Me and my little man will be over this in a year's time. They're stuck in their miserable life for the foreseeable

Apart from her coming on to him and him caving in...I really don't see that he was a great partner tbh. It seems like you 'settled' and could have done better than him all along.

I think being in an abusive relationship clouds your judgement and makes you think anything not abusive is good.

On his sleeping though...it's not your problem now..but he should see a GP..falling asleep with a baby in his arms and needing to be woken for work as he does...could be indicative of a medical condition.

She really did throw herself at him. Why she'd want him back after repeated cheating just beats me.

That is true.

I always thought he was so much better than my ex because he wasn't violent, it seems naive now that I would overlook so many other red flags.

I probably still need to work on my self esteem because somebody who was 100 percent secure in herself wouldn't have put up with everything I did. The gaming, his irresponsibility, pandering to an ex etc.

He was no catch at all. I realise that now. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Better now than if I were to stay for even longer.

Tumble you are so strong and living well with your son will be the biggest f**k you that you can send to them both. As others have said she will struggle financially with another child and he’s not going to stay with her even if he does go back for awhile he’s going to resent her and the baby very quickly and he’ll find somewhere else to go soon enough and then what another Christmas outfit and yet another baby? How many times do you think she can keep doing that? I’d almost feel sorry for her keep having to steal him back from others and trapping him babies. As let’s face it she’s probably done it before. She’s got to have very low esteem or just very stupid if she thinks what she’s doing is good for anyone. At the end of the day she’s done you a favour in the long run as you’ve gotten rid of a useless man who didn’t treat you right or deserve you. Onwards and upwards

Aww thank you

When he told me how it happened I said so why did you go through with it.

Was you sex starved and feeling neglected at home? He said no

Do you still have feelings for her? He said no

Did you feel we had drifted apart during the pregnancy? He said no.

Was it a case of 'fuck it why not nobody will find out'? He said yes I think it probably was.

Lol what a shitty person devoid of morals. He's no good for anyone.

She and her sister are blocked on everything now and he's been sent a text saying not to contact me for the next week or two unless it's to confirm his father will be collecting his stuff and that's it.

Also not to try and talk to me about what's happened, or us, or he will be blocked indefinitely and will have to speak to me through a third party in future to arrange contact.

And breath :)

Yes, exactly - third party and mediator - it is that simple.

You’re a 🌟

Tumble, I bloody luffs you! You've been dealt a horrible, shitty situation but you've dealt with it with pure class. BabyTumble will thrive with you as his mum .

It won't take a year for you to be over this - Easter at the latest I reckon!

Anger can be positive if you turn it into action. Getting his crap out of your home and moving the furniture will help. I did that within 10 days of throwing my cheating now XH out.

When I got up the next morning after change around, the place looked and felt significantly different, it was now mine and it felt as if he'd never been there at all (we lived there seven years as a couple).

If you can, change the bedroom around too, just moving the head of the bed from one wall to another was enough to change the 'view' when I woke in the night.

Would your mum or aunt take the bedding to theirs to wash and dry at their place? Then, when you get it back it will smell of them iyswim - maybe when it's back on the bed spend some there with Toby so it ends up with that delicious baby smell on your pillow.

Weird maybe, but it worked for me.

Easter i think it will take longer than that after everything thats gone on,if early than fab but i really think op should be realistic

its very early days and she is running on adrenalin,when things calm down and people go back to normality thats when thinks get difficult imo

You are doing so well...
If they get back together she also has to live with the fact that she is his second choice and they are only together because you don't want him. He has to see her as his fall back/only option.
Poor DC's for having them for parents.
Your wee boy is s lucky to have you and it seems like your DM is being supportive.

Uh huh. That's the only reason he'd go back, because he isn't welcome here. If she allowed him to return under those circumstances then she's a bigger mug than I thought.

He clearly doesnt want her, if he did he would never have left her in the first place. Second best is as good as it gets now.

She was used for the very sex she offered up to try and coordinate a situation that would win him back. So much dysfunction.

Well, you've got your answers now. Time to block and move on.

Time for him to consider a vasectomy also, what with all the unplanned pregnancies they've had!