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Original poster

Follow on from my AIBU thread 'to be sad about DP spending Christmas at his exes'

731 replies

Tumbleweeds24 · 29/01/2018 00:03

Had to start a new thread here. I posted in aibu in December as I was 36 weeks pregnant and my partner was spending Xmas at his exes.

I suspected foul play and finally found out today that they slept together on Christmas day, she's now pregnant. He's been lying to us both for months and when I went to speak to his ex in person he's done a runner saying nobody will ever see him again and turned his phone off. He's also fucked me over in not paying the rent.

Currently cradling my 2 week old son wondering wtf I'm going to do.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 01/02/2018 12:20

I'd there anywhere you can 'hide' his gaming shit & chair so it's out of sight? The Xbox itself I'd disconnect and shove under the sofa (unless you use it to watch Netflix or such).

Could his dad come get his shit?

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 01/02/2018 13:19

Nowhere to hide his chair so I may just put it outside lol.

His dad might come and get it I haven't asked him actually, mainly cause I suspect that's where he is

OP posts:
MotherofaSurvivor · 01/02/2018 14:28

I wouldn't mention to Health Visitor either as they have a duty of Care to refer to SS.

Call CAB or create a thread on here in the appropriate topic about contact

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 01/02/2018 15:27

Would they refer for infidelity though? I mean couples break up due to it all of the time, I'd hope they wouldn't. I'll have to mind what I say if that's the case. I was hoping I'd be able to confide in her a little seeing as she's there to help me aswell

OP posts:
DotCottonDotcom · 01/02/2018 17:01

I still would be surprised if SS would want any dealings with you, when you're actively doing things to improve your circumstances. Mothertoasurvivor why the scaremongering?

i think you need to ask yourself - what do you need help with? What opportunities would you and Toby benefit from. Honestly the HV can give you that information. She IS there to help!!!! You cant become a recluse in fear of SS contact.

stitchglitched · 01/02/2018 17:20

Did SS sign you off based on you having your partner with you as help and support? Assuming not and they are happy with the changes you've made as an individual then there shouldn't be an issue.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 01/02/2018 17:31

He wasn't the reason I was signed off no, but his support was seen as a positive in my favour and that does worry me a little. The primary reason for no ongoing involvement was because I've done everything nessicary to change my circumstances and distanced my self from the DV, matured, moved far away and grown as a person.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 01/02/2018 17:53

To be fair to myself the social services said I've done brilliantly, they were really impressed with me as a person and said they saw no reason I couldn't go on to be a great mum. I'm just being silly worrying what they'd say about him being gone. They'd probably pat me on the back after what he's done

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 01/02/2018 18:01

I'm not in the UK so I won't touch the SS issues since I don't know a thing about that.

But as far as his shit, I would call his dad. Doesn't matter if he's there or not. You can specify that his DAD be the one to come collect it. And whilst I was at it, I'd have a good look round the house and bag up anything else of his I ran across and have his dad haul that off too.

Although to be honest, a few months after the ex that caused me to redecorate cleared out I found a few bits and bobs of his, a couple of shirts and a souvenir of a trip he'd taken all shoved in the back of the hall closet. I burnt them to a crisp in the backyard. I may or may not have drunk a bottle of red and chanted 'fuck you and the horse you rode in on' as it burnt.

EmyRoo · 01/02/2018 18:06

You are doing brilliantly- stop worrying and enjoy time with your DS

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 01/02/2018 18:16

Thanks Emy I will. We've had a nice day together today.

Lol that's brilliant "fuck you and the horse you rode in on"

Love it

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 02/02/2018 01:16

Well it turns out it didn't "just happen" after all, the little cow planned it all (conveniently around the time of ovulation)

I asked him why he did it, I wanted to know why he cheated on me and he went on to tell me more than I wanted to know.

He gave me his version of events and I didn't believe him so i asked her whether it was true, she said yes it's true. I asked why would she be so spiteful and all she could say was "lol"

He said he was about to leave then she asked him to put the kids to bed and stay for half an hour to keep an ear out for the youngest whos prone to getting back out of bed. She said she really wanted to get a bath before she went to bed so could he hang back till she gets out just incase the child got up.

He said ok that's fine. After putting the kids to bed he sits on the sofa and is half asleep, starts nodding off, next thing he knows she's coming in the front room in a "sexy Santa" outfit and starts straddling him.

He's a dirty weak disgusting bastard and she's a bloody cheap slag. They're welcome to each other.

Before anyone doubts what he's said, she smugly confirmed it. Clearly wanting me to know she planned it and it worked. Completely different attitude that she had to my face the other day.

That's my closure now. Fuck them.

OP posts:
Laserbird16 · 02/02/2018 04:32

Wow! You really don't need these weirdos in your life. I know it may not feel like it but thank goodness you are removing yourself and son from this quagmire of fuck ups. Look after yourself xxx

DavidBowiesNumber1 · 02/02/2018 04:39

"Sexy Santa outfit"?! And what, he was totally unable to resist?? FFS! Angry
They completely deserve each other and you and your little man deserve to have nothing to do with them! Flowers

EmyRoo · 02/02/2018 07:02

Well, I thought he said they were drunk. I don’t think you can really trust a word they say.

Please try to dis-engage with him (by which I mean discussion only about DS, contact somewhere neutral for short times - you won’t want to discuss this in the library, for example; or check out your local leisure centre if it has a cafe); none of this will do your self-esteem and well-being any good.

At the end of the day, it does not matter why it happened - it did, although I understand it might help to know. You are talking about a woman who has had multiple abortions (at his behest?), whose separated husband (are they divorced?) had a baby with someone else (you, she was probably jealous), who clearly wanted a baby herself. Christmas does funny things to people (it is so commercialised about family). Try not to dwell on it.

It does sound like she really is welcome to this man. There are better ones out there - at least, this is what I hear. For now, concentrate on you and DS.

Figgygal · 02/02/2018 07:15

I didn't not get this!! Did you see him/them yesterday? Why?

Lndnmummy · 02/02/2018 07:25

Tumble I am so sorry, but this was expected. Of course she did. She couldn’t stand him being in a family with someone else so she tried to get him back in the only way she knew. It’s horrific. There is nothing that can make this sorry tragic saga any less so. It must be crushing for you. I can promise you this.

You are well rid. You don’t need this drama and your child will thrive with such a strong mum. The two of you can create a warm, fun loving family unit just the two of you and when he is slightly older you will realise that you have modelled what strong true honest relationships are. Watching your son grow and witness the little person he becomes will give you all the proof that you need that you have done the right thing.

Practically, will you be able to keep the flat on your own? Can you afford that or will you need to relocate? Happy to come and help you dump the bastards stuff if you need a hand. In your LA you can actually simply phone the council and ask them to come and collect it.
Do you have what you need to meet the baby’s and your short term needs?

hellsbellsmelons · 02/02/2018 08:55

That's my closure now. Fuck them.
Indeed - I think you really needed that.
You know what low-life scumbags they both are now and you can move on with your life without them in it.
I don't say this often but they are a pair of CUNTS!!!
Keep going OP.
Enjoy this baby time now and try to get them out of your head.
It won't be easy but you can do it!

Springiscoming123 · 02/02/2018 09:04

omg what a calculating bitch and him a weak idiot

well i guess that it may be true she only lets him see kids on her terms,she sounds very manipulative

stop talking to her,you know what happened you really dont need to hear anymore and she is by the sounds capable of lying to hurt you you really dont need to speak to her

yes you need comms with him and i get that but if he brings her up say your not interested and walk away,listening will not help your mental state and he dosent deserve to take your time up with what these two did you know enough

please dont engage with her,sounds like she loves the drama and attention and is enjoying the fall out,cut her dead that will annoy her as she then cant keep up her soap opera life to you

she just wants to hurt you

longta · 02/02/2018 09:15

The thought of them having sex in her whiffy flat with a santa outfit on is a great thought to keep in mind if you're ever tempted to have him back OP.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 02/02/2018 09:41

I found out because stupidly I spoke with him yesterday. The question of why he could do that to me was playing heavy on my mind and I thought I needed answers. After he told me what he did, I text her (blocked on Facebook now and had no intention of speaking to her again until i heard what I heard) and that's how it was confirmed.

Thanks ldnmummy I'll bare that in mind I'm gonna text his dad today and politely ask him to take his things away from here. If he doesn't well then they can go in a skip somewhere.

I'm not sure where it leaves me with the flat I'll need to look into housing benefit, my landlord is supportive so whatever happens I'm not just going to be thrown out at a minutes notice

The thought of the scene panning out the way it did makes me cringe so badly. How cheap tacky and disgusting. They are no better than the sorts you see on Jeremy Kyle of a morning.

I feel sorry for the baby conceived out of desperation and spite with a father whom wishes it dead. No innocent child deserves that. She must be so proud of herself

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 02/02/2018 10:10

I'm glad I know what I know now in a way. Any sadness has been replaced with anger now. I need to be mad at him not mourning over what he's done

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 02/02/2018 10:16

I'll laugh about it one day. He's messed up one of the best things he's ever likely to find. He was punching above his weight to begin with. I'm not Angelina jolie but I'm happy with what i see in the mirror and I know I'm a bloody good woman :)

Let him think about that while he's festering away in a filthy flat with his consolation prize and a baby he doesn't want.

OP posts:
DorynownotFloundering · 02/02/2018 10:19

Don't give either of them another minutes thought. I'm glad you've blocked her on FB, do the same with her numbers & her sister.

You do not need that negativity or level of sleaze in your life.

Regarding your ex, how about you ask him to not contact you for 2 weeks at least to allow you time to sort your thoughts out. Make it clear you are happy to sort out access in future for the baby's sake but just now you need some time. Then put that thought about access arrangements to one side, while you sort out other practicalities.

Also tell him or his dad that his things need collecting by x date, name a day no more than a week away, or they will be disposed of. They can text you when they want to come & you can leave the items out.

Turn your anger into positive action, it can be very cathartic to clear out the last of his stuff. Re arrange the rooms to suit you & as pp have suggested make the place YOURS with a few new things.

Onwards & upwards Tumble, you can do this. 😁

MachineBee · 02/02/2018 10:21

Go Tumble! Always good to find your anger. It is empowering. 👏