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Original poster

Follow on from my AIBU thread 'to be sad about DP spending Christmas at his exes'

731 replies

Tumbleweeds24 · 29/01/2018 00:03

Had to start a new thread here. I posted in aibu in December as I was 36 weeks pregnant and my partner was spending Xmas at his exes.

I suspected foul play and finally found out today that they slept together on Christmas day, she's now pregnant. He's been lying to us both for months and when I went to speak to his ex in person he's done a runner saying nobody will ever see him again and turned his phone off. He's also fucked me over in not paying the rent.

Currently cradling my 2 week old son wondering wtf I'm going to do.

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Springiscoming123 · 01/02/2018 01:03

i agree i dont think its a good idea seeing Toby at the flat but i dont see a problem with a few hrs just baby and him

why does it have to be supervised

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 01/02/2018 01:49

Thanks for the recent posts guys

Just woke to feed Toby and thought I would check in before I tried to grab some more sleep.

Fullerhouse you sound great you really do. Funnily enough I actually already do the same with his moses basket when I have a bath and have since the day he was born. I also bought a baby carrier a while back which he seems to like, it's not a sling exactly a bit more bulky but still leaves me with hands free so I can get a bit more done.

The reason I would want it to be supervised is because I've walked in on him falling asleep with Toby in his arms a few times now and absolutely crapped my self each time. It would take only a split second for an accident to happen and i do have concerns about his inability to manage his sleeping pattern and make sure it doesn't happen again. I also don't want him taking him to his exes house for periods of time, this isn't a dig toward her but the place is unsanitary due to animals and associated health hazards that come about as a result of not managing them properly. Hyperactive dog, 2 or 3 cats climbing all over the place, the smells of urine and the other. The day he was supposed to be taking the kids to the park with Toby he had actually tried to get her to allow him to take him up the flat instead.

I know I had him there with me when I went to talk to her but I didn't know what it would be like beforehand, that was a brief visit and he stayed in his pram by my side. I won't be taking him back.

Admittedly I'm very protective over him due to his age. He's so tiny and vulnerable right now I just want to know his contact will be had in a safe environment where he isn't going to just fall asleep because he's constantly over tired which is a daily thing.

I have no problem him taking him out alone when he's a little older

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Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 01/02/2018 01:53

Thank you so much confused x

Temptress that's true yes. He should be able to pull his socks up and make an effort to meet those requirements if having contact at his father's on father's day off work is an option.

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Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 01/02/2018 01:54

That's a good idea acrossthepond

I'm already tired of looking at his things. His Xbox mainly and the stupid chair he got to game in. I can't bear to sleep in the bed, instead I'm just napping on the sofa when I can.

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ApacheEchidna · 01/02/2018 06:31

Contact idea: a child is never too young to start going to the library and be read stories. Decide on one or two times a week when ex is usually not working when you and Toby could have a regular trip to the library. Let Ex know the schedule. Any time you are there he is welcome to come to the library and have a cuddle and read Toby a story.

You could equally choose a playpark or cafe but libraries are indoors and free. You may have other places near you that are equally suitable. Libraries don't expect silence these days so the reading of a story is fine, but the location does give you some protection from him trying to start a row with you. Anything he needs to say to you can go in a text or email and the meet-ups can just be about Toby. The other advantage is of course that given the Ex is so flakey and useless, obviously a lot of contact opportunities will be missed because Ex prioritises sleep/computer games/pursuing his next shagging opportunity. Building a regular time and place where contact could occur regularly 'on neutral ground' but which will be a fun way to spend time even if Ex never shows up will mean that neither you nor Toby mind a bit on the many many occasions when Ex can't be bothered.

EmyRoo · 01/02/2018 07:19

Yes, I was going to say library or other neutral public space. When the weather is better, there will be parks. When your DS is a bit bigger, soft play.

But the other point is that it is not your responsibility to sort his contact; he needs to come up with the proposals and times and then you negotiate.

MotherofaSurvivor · 01/02/2018 09:22

Just so you're aware, if the courts become involved, unfortunately you won't have any say over whether Contact is Supervised or not or where he takes him. The only thing you could do is report him to Social Services who would then decide whether to investigate or not based on what evidence you had that he had been there and and what proof you had that it was unsanitary. Also they would speak to him, and he'd just say it was malicious. The courts don't really take those concerns into account unless they request a CAFCASS report. However they would just suggest he took him elsewhere but would have no powers to tell him where he couldn't take him. Neither do the courts. Once it got to that stage, the courts would have done a DNA test and awarded him Parental Responsibility which the courts have to respect. If a CAFCASS report was requested, you could air these concerns to them. He may be given Supervised Contact for a short period of time but would then be given Un-Supervised Contact thereafter - IF he was to go down the court route. Now or in the future.
The best option all round is to NOT deny him ANY access just limit it and supervise it. Show him how to look after the baby and try to make him see how inappropriate his ex's house is. Though by the sounds of it, he won't care. He sounds too selfish!

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 01/02/2018 09:59

A library is a good idea

I'm not going to stop contact without good reason and that will have to be about Tobys well-being and not my own feelings, that being said I would bet my life on the fact he will never have the balls or inclination to take me to court. He is "one of them" who doesn't ever do anything by the book. I've had alot of dealings with social services and I can say for certainty that any social workers I've ever had would never see her place as a suitable contact hub for a newborn. I'm amazed she didn't have them involved to begin with based on the environment alone

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Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 01/02/2018 10:08

I had a lovely social worker actually but they decided they didn't need to stay involved with us (history of being subject to DV in the past so when I was pregnant with toby I did undergo an assessment to make sure 1) I had no contact with the ex from my past and 2) my circumstances were sufficient to safeguarding a newborn)

Id be interested in hearing what she has to say about all of this. Would it be stupid of me to to give her a call and see what she says about contact? I just don't want her to think everything's gone tits up as she was really impressed with my current lifestyle, home and overall circumstances

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MotherofaSurvivor · 01/02/2018 10:23

I I wouldn't. I'd seriously advise against doing that.

If you contact them and indicate any issues then they have a duty of care to assess you & baby.

If you don't feel that that would be necessary then don't contact her

MotherofaSurvivor · 01/02/2018 10:25

If you are concerned about the exes living environment then I would refer her to social services myself if I was you

DotCottonDotCom · 01/02/2018 10:31

Id be interested in hearing what she has to say about all of this. Would it be stupid of me to to give her a call and see what she says about contact?

It depends. Do you think you could do with any support they could offer, or could the health visitor do that?

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 01/02/2018 10:41

Well I voluntarily signed up for something called the MESH program which is basically where you get more frequent visits from a health visitor who will stay involved for as long as you feel you need them. I'm meeting her next week, my allocated lady and not just one of the community general ones who visit once or twice to check baby and then leave. My MESH ladies role is to support me as well as deal with the baby health side of things.

We've spoken on the phone already and she seems great, I could talk to her instead of SS when she comes. My assessment came to a close in early January before my son was born so I'm literally only just off their radar - maybe speaking to them about all of this would give them cause for concern and they could decide they do need to be involved after all. I don't really want that because aside all of this with him, I've got the provisions to give my little one a good life and I can definitely keep him safe.

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Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 01/02/2018 10:42

I am a bit concerned about the exes living arrangements yes but I wouldn't want anybody to think I'm being malicious in reporting her. Her children look well cared for its just the flat itself

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DotCottonDotCom · 01/02/2018 11:05

I don't think you need contact with SS, I think you are doing great and you volunteered to a scheme to benefit you! SS probably wouldn't give a monkeys if they knew you had taken steps to help your situation.

As for SS and the flat, I've had experience here and SS in our case didnt care as long as the child was eating, going to school, had friends and clean clothes, was getting clean herself etc. I was fuming but they are so stretched :( I mean if you feel the children are unkempt and suffering then, yes!

DotCottonDotCom · 01/02/2018 11:06

^i wasnt the one with the minging flat by the way ;)

Mxyzptlk · 01/02/2018 11:13

Talking to the MESH lady seems the best idea. No point getting SS involvement if you really don't need it.
I think you're right about the exes flat, too. No need for you to get involved.

I'm amazed by how well you're dealing with all this. When I had a newborn, I'd have been floored if all that happened.

Have you told your Mum how great her company and support is? Might that help her to stay available for you?

Library is a great idea for contact times.
I wonder if the ex is so fussy about where he sees his kids because she doesn't trust him to look after them properly?

Hugs to you and Toby! Flowers

Nanny0gg · 01/02/2018 11:15

I can't bear to sleep in the bed, instead I'm just napping on the sofa when I can.

That's not good, you need proper rest.

Can you afford some new bedding? There are still sales out there or bargain shops that have some pretty stuff.

Get your mum and aunty to help you clean the mattress (get a cover) and maybe move the room round a bit? Put up some photos of your lovely new boy.

Once all his stuff has gone (make him take it away) you will feel better about it.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 01/02/2018 11:25

I've told my mum how grateful I am for her help, if she can keep up how she's been then I'll be so happy. Contrary to what I suspected, she's actually great with him. All day yesterday she kept repeating how good he is lol she adores him bless her.

I could do with some new bedding. I'm taking LO out today for a walk around the shopping centre to have a look for a pram toy for the new pram I've ordered. I could have a scout around for some bedding while I'm out.

I get that ss are over ran so may not even be concerned about the state of somebodies flat, it just seems a bit hazardous especially if she intends to bring a newborn into it. I mean as soon as you walk in the door you're slapped in the face with the smell, that can't be healthy for a newborns lungs?

Looking forward to meeting my MESH lady, I'm going to ask her to signpost me to some bother and baby groups. I've wanted to do baby massage since way before he was born :)

Post edited by MNHQ

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Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 01/02/2018 11:27

MOTHER and baby groups lol not bother and baby

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Mxyzptlk · 01/02/2018 11:31

I don't know if you're okay for money, or not, but you can often get nice duvet covers in charity shops.
Give it a quick wash and there you are - new look bedroom!

MachineBee · 01/02/2018 11:39

I’m so impressed by how gracious and sensible you are being. I have no doubt that you will raise a wonderful man who shares your standards and values, because you will show him how to be a good person who shoulders their responsibilities (not runs away from them), works to handle challenges (not blames others expecting them to sort things out) and most of all, you will teach him to accept that doing your best for you and those you love, is what matters above all else.

EmyRoo · 01/02/2018 11:41

If you are seen to be keeping your DS safe, social services will have no involvement, they will see it as a family law matter.

As for what the courts would say, you have no idea until you are there. If you have genuine, founded concerns, the judge will expect you to have acted in line with them.

Seeking advice from your HV is a good idea.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 01/02/2018 12:04

That's what I'll do. I'll ask my HV for advice on the matter. It would be a bit pre emptive and unnessecary to pester social services at this stage when there is no safeguarding issues.

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Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 01/02/2018 12:06

Mxy I have no airs and graces about charity shops, I sometimes buy myself bits and bobs from them. Clothes mainly. Good idea with the bedding.

Machine thank you so much I appreciate that :)

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