Follow on from my AIBU thread 'to be sad about DP spending Christmas at his exes'

[Tumbleweeds24]

Had to start a new thread here. I posted in aibu in December as I was 36 weeks pregnant and my partner was spending Xmas at his exes.

I suspected foul play and finally found out today that they slept together on Christmas day, she's now pregnant. He's been lying to us both for months and when I went to speak to his ex in person he's done a runner saying nobody will ever see him again and turned his phone off. He's also fucked me over in not paying the rent.

Currently cradling my 2 week old son wondering wtf I'm going to do.

I think you need to stop focusing on the ex really and what she will or won't do. To be fair you chose to believe everything he told you despite no evidence and just his word, and tolerated some of his less than great behaviour. You also painted him as a great Dad despite knowing he wasn't financially supporting his kids. She has had several years of his manipulation, it isn't surprising if she is still emeshed either is it?

This ^

I understand you feeling bitter about him cheating on you - and being in this position with a newborn must be hard and draining. But I don't agree with the comments putting his ex down either. To be fair, is any of her behaviour worse the behaviour of someone being in a relationship and having a child for a man, knowing he isn't paying for the children he already has?
It's obviously still raw now but I think you have to just admit the mistakes you made with this man and try to move on doing what's best for all of the children in this situation. They are the only innocent people, in my opinion.

It's true, Tumbles - she was texting him all the time, slept with him knowing he had a home and a baby coming with someone else....

If you had fallen for his Plan B (the bunch of flowers - Plan A having been the sympathy card with the fake punch up etc) and taken him back, she would have continued to contact him , text him, sleep with him when possible....

I understand what you are saying OP, I just think some of the comments about the ex from other posters are a bit uncalled for. She knew nothing about you until xmas and then only what he chose to tell her. You however knew that he had kids he didn't pay for, or care for independently, or bother to introduce to his new family unit and planned to spring a surprise sibling on with no regard for their welfare. You turned a blind eye to the fact that he is a shit but she is being held to a higher standard for some reason despite years of being ground down by him.

The night feeds are draining especially when doing them yourself but just try to keep telling yourself it isn't forever. It's a few months of unsettled sleep which is awful, I know, but it will pass.

Try to enjoy your little one now and not focus too much on your ex or his ex. I think they're both to be steered clear of as they only have their own best interests at heart.....never yours or your sons.

Without meaning to be hateful....your ex doesn't sound like any sort of catch at all. Yes you loved him and looked past his faults but someone who sat around playing xbox, stinking the house out with his poor hygiene, didn't pay for his children and didn't tell you he loved you IS NOT someone you need to forgive or become friendly with. You and your son deserve so much better.

Yeah definitely, it's never about me or my little one. It's all about them and their seeming inability to let go of one another for whatever reason, or her inability to let go and him using that to his advance and using her for sex.

I'm literally piggy in the middle and none of them give a damn what it's done to me or my son so I'm gonna work damn hard to get to the point where I don't care, as quickly as possible.

I might have sounded a bit weak throughout this but I do have complete clarity that it's something I've got to subtract my self from completely, even if it means a few shitty weeks of going through the motions

@Tumbleweeds24 you don't sound weak at all

You should be so proud of yourself.

Be a friend to her one more time and recommend she does the Freedom Programme. I know you did it and you still fell for his crap, but it might help her abit. Then you've done everything you could reasonably do, and can leave her to go her own way with a clear conscience.

You really, really aren't weak at all. Throughout this you have kept your child as top priority and you're making a better future for you and he. All hallmarks of incredible strength as far as I'm concerned.

Aww thanks guys

I agree she could probably benefit from going on the freedom program. I've done the online version but not the one in person. I thought I'd educated my self well on abusers by the time I had healed from my last abusive relationship, that being said I can't believe this idiot managed to get one over on me.

I think because my last relationship was abusive in every other way except cheating (he was violent and sexually abusive) I was predisposed to look for the wrong signs with this one. Despite 'thinking' I knew it all when it came to DV, I never stopped to realise I've been getting emotionally abused for months.

You live and you learn though. I'll take wisdom from this shit heap of a situation and be better armed to protect my self from emotionally devoid SOBs in future

There's only one person who has caused this...and it's not you or his Ex.

He has told one lie after another...even sneaking and lying to see his kids.

I've read all of your threads op, what an awful situation you've ended up in.

I would definitely block them both, take a step back from the drama and enjoy what you can of the newborn bubble with your little Toby.

I don't understand why you particularly want your baby to have contact with this man? I personally think no father is better than an awful father.

I'd be blocking his number and pretending he doesn't exist until a court order came through my door.

OP, I know this isn't easy but please try not to punish the exGF. There is no way of knowing what she has or hasn't gone through or how she is feeling. She has probably been as messed around and manipulated by your ex as you have. She is clearly still in love with him. I know you feel it was cruel of her to sleep with him but she didn't know you then and may well have felt that you had 'taken him away' from her. Now she is pregnant and vulnerable - and has seen a text saying that the father of her baby hopes it dies. She probably didn't deserve that.

Focus your anger where it belongs - at your ExDP. Wish the ExGF well but say you need to disengage for your own sanity - and then block.

In the meantime rant and rave at your ExDP if you need to, or on here, or to your Mum and your Aunt. Anger can be positive because it can make you strong. And you sound very strong and switched on. And also like a lovely Mum.

Sorting out access etc can wait. Just take one day at a time. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. And enjoy your beautiful son.

I'm not going to talk to her anymore it's just rubbing my own face in it isn't it.

I can see the point raised about how reading those texts may have been a bit harsh. The truth is at the time I wanted her to shoulder some of the pain I'm going through. I probably wouldn't have sent them if I gave myself time to calm down first. I don't wish harm on anybody I'm not a spiteful person at heart.

Regarding his access, I don't think I would be able to look my little boy in the eye when he's older if he found out I stopped his father seeing him because he cheated. He's very young but the pair of them have began bonding already and I would feel guilty to come between that because of my own feelings. I'm gonna have to figure out how to accommodate said access though, because having him round my flat all the time is gonna hinder me moving on. I do still love him as much as I wish I didn't. I feel alot of disgust and hatred towards him but there are still feelings there, not that he will ever hear about them. It'll take time I know.

Ranting does help. I called him every c u next Tuesday under the sun last night after he said what he said about the baby. It was the first time I let rip since I found out.

Stopping access because he cheated would be ridiculously unfair....imagine how many mums and dads wouldn't see their kids if everyone did that.

A child has a right to a relationship with both parents....he's not abused his DC

or harmed them in any way.

He's not relationship material...but that's something else.

It's not the cheating that would concern me with regards to access but op has made clear he has issues with sleep that means he's unable to care for a baby, he's a compulsive liar, op and his own father believe him capable of punching himself in the face and he doesn't support his other dc.

Not somebody I would want around my dc he hardly sounds like a responsible, stable person.

Sorry, I wasn't suggesting that you stop access. Just that if you are finding it all a bit overwhelming ATM trying to work out how to accommodate regular, formal access with your Mum and Aunt not wanting to offer their houses, not particularly wanting him at yours and PP suggesting about contact centres, there's no harm in having a breather for a couple of days. Formal access doesn't need to be sorted out RIGHT THIS MINUTE. Go easy on yourself if it is all a bit much.

It is pretty horrendous what he said about the ex’ unborn baby. As painful, as it must be to see such a message for the ex, I think he put you in a shitty position of being unwittingly part of his sordid manipulative behaviour if you did not forward it to her. I’d have passed this on to her too and washed my hands of it all after. She can choose to ignore this or react to it but it’s nothing to do with you any longer from now on. Moving forward, you should shut down any conversation about her with him and vice versa. That’s not your circus and entirely their business. I agree that besides financial issues, he does have the right to see his child. But I do feel that you should have a little time to get over the trauma he put you through. Right now, your priority is your emotional and physical wellbeing. Having to accommodate him straight away is really not healthy. Take a little time to heal and then figure out some neutral place where he can spend time with his kid. If he is genuinely keen to have a relationship with his baby son, then he needs to respect your boundaries and stick strictly to future visitation arrangements. Not suggesting that it should be 'pay per view' but he should begin to immediately pay child maintenance voluntarily and in return you can organise him spending time with his kid. If he tries to derail it towards emotional bullshit and harasses you or doesn’t pay, then it needs to be arranged via court/mediator. It’s about time, he acts like an adult. But you do need to safeguard your emotional wellbeing against him abusing the arrangements to see his kid with trying to badger you. As other posters suggested there are probably some suitable venues where he can see his kid if your mother/aunt aren’t ready to facilitate visitation at their places. Alternatively, could you perhaps let him see the baby at his father’s place if it isn’t too far?

Yes I'm gonna give myself a bit of time before I plunge myself Into sorting him regular contact. I need to get myself straight before I can think about doing anything for him.

The below mentioned points are very correct. To be truthful I wouldn't trust him with unsupervised overnights at any point whilst Toby is a baby. He doesn't wake to his cries and can fall asleep at any given point due to his work/sleep/gaming schedule and how he manages the three.

He's good with Toby and has been fantastic with him since we got home, at times I wondered how I would ever manage without him.. but even so.. whenever I would go through to bed i would literally have to force him to get a coffee or an energy drink just so I could have peace of mind that he wasn't going to dose off and miss his cries / fall asleep holding him.

I don't believe he would ever harm a child, but the potential to have punched himself in the face is of course a concern. The fact we even think he's capable of it. I'm not sure whether he did, but that theory makes more sense than the explanation he offered up.

I want his contact to be supervised definitely. I wouldn't agree to anything else whilst he is so young

I would be fine with him seeing him at his father's yes. The only problem is his father works 6 days a week and the only day off he has every week - exP usually works the night before

I would be fine with him seeing him at his father's yes. The only problem is his father works 6 days a week and the only day off he has every week - exP usually works the night before

So? He can get up and make the effort for the afternoon. What else is he going to do. Be on his fecking computer playing games? It’s not like you are going to be having loads of sleep either. If the choice is that or nothing, then he damn well has to make the effort.

OP I just had to wrote to you. You are such a lovely selfless lady.
Right now your world has came crashing down and it's shit. But you have a great attitude and are very fair and in time you will be okay.
You should be very proud of how you are coping. And when you are not coping that's okay. Sometimes you just need the day to feel shit. As long as you pick yourself back up and believe in yourself.
You and Toby will get on fine in life

*Write

PPs are right, nothing has to be sorted now. Right now it's just you and Toby and that's the way it should be.

I also think you are right to not want him at your flat. At the end of a particularly bad relationship I ended up getting new furniture just so I didn't have to look at my old sofa or old chair and 'see' him sitting there. They went to the dump. It did seem to help. Now, I'm not telling you to redecorate, but there is something about not allowing them in your space, not allowing them to create more memories of being there. It's a way of separating the 'old life' from the 'new life'. A way of saying "You no longer have a place in my home or in my life". I know he'll be in Toby's life, but he no longer has a place in yours, iyswim.

Op I’ve just caught up on both you threads and just wanted to say I’m thinking of you. You seem a really lovely person who has been taken for granted to many times. You will get through this and be stronger. Me and xp broke when I was seven months pregnant with dc2 and you know what raising him has been a dream he’s such a happy content child. Yes I’ve had to do it all myself and yes sometimes it’s been hard but I can tell you something it’s so much easier and enjoyable doing it in a peaceful home without stress. If he was there if I’m honest it would of been me doing it all anyway I know it would of ended up me resenting xp sleeping through the baby, getting more sleep, not helping or being hands on etc whilst sitting on he’s bum and I’m left to do it all and getting worked up arguing about it instead I’ve just plodded along happily doing it all on my own because that’s the way it has had to be and I tell you something I’ve loved every minute of it me and both my dc have had such a happy home and they have a lovely bond and life is bliss.
If you was still with your xp I can tell you what it would of been like,
Yes he would of come home and watched the baby but like you say you couldn’t relax you had to give him and energy drink or coffee incase he fell asleep so you’d still be worrying,
The novelty would wear of soon enough and like you said he doesn’t wake to the baby crying.
He’d also be leaving you and new baby at a moments notice when he’s xp texts/calls be at her beck and call use would always feel second best especially your son when he is older.
And he’d cheat again, and again and again. Men like him never change.
You can do this on your own honestly, get a sling I found that great to use when cleaning up, also brought the Moses basket in the bathroom with me when I got a bath, pee’d with the door open so I could listen out and tried to nap when dc1 was at school and the baby napped. In a few months baby will go through the night and it will be bliss. Treasure every moment with him they grow up way to fast. And defo try no contact for 30 days so you and Toby can bond and relax and get some type of routine even send him a message if you wish to say this is what is best for use right now and you will unblock him in 30 days please stay away untill then, then block them all and enjoy your new baby

Oh god didn’t realise that was such an essay! Lol