Follow on from my AIBU thread 'to be sad about DP spending Christmas at his exes'

[Tumbleweeds24]

Had to start a new thread here. I posted in aibu in December as I was 36 weeks pregnant and my partner was spending Xmas at his exes.

I suspected foul play and finally found out today that they slept together on Christmas day, she's now pregnant. He's been lying to us both for months and when I went to speak to his ex in person he's done a runner saying nobody will ever see him again and turned his phone off. He's also fucked me over in not paying the rent.

Currently cradling my 2 week old son wondering wtf I'm going to do.

Hey op not sure if you’ve had chance to look into it yet but I’ve just read on another thread and had a look to confirm it but you can self refer to Home-Start so please look at doing it as I really think it would be beneficial to you right now. Sometimes just having someone who’s an adult to talk to can be hugely beneficial and one who can help you get out and about to things like baby groups or for short walks would do wonders for you. I do speak from experience here too. I know asking for help isn’t easy but sometimes it’s the strongest thing we can do and as they say it takes a village to raise a baby. Your doing amazingly right now too

Drama or not, fuck that, i'd be screenshotting and sending the messages to his ex. She ain't miss innocent.

THEN I'd delete and block the arseholes, all of them.

Homestart is definitely something I think ill benefit from so I'm going to look into that today and see if it's available in my area

I'll probably be judged quite harshly now but I sent her the screenshots. I wasn't going to but I was having a shit morning of it and was feeling bitter and understandably so. So far I've been the only one feeling any pain at all, and i don't see why as the only innocent party I should be the one to shoulder all the hurt when I've been beyond reasonable and decent with everyone who's torn my life to bits with all of this.

It upset her, obviously.

She messaged back saying she's in shock and doesn't care if he doesn't want to be involved as she's done with it all now anyway.

I'm going to block her today now.

Of COURSE shes "doesnt care" now.

For now...

Sometimes Tumble, its better out than in. If it helps the soul, fuck it.

xxx

Well you could argue that she has the right to know what he is saying about her and the baby too. Also it stops him trying to play you both. I can see why you did that.

What's done is done I understand the motivation.

At this point yes you'll want your son to see his dad but you manage that in a way you can cope with. Don't let him dictate terms.

Glad you're managing to eat and sleep that will help a lot.

Well done for sending the screenshots. That took guts.

If you do decide you want/need a non-molestation Order, best way to go about it is to call the NCDV and they will employ a Solicitor for you! Legal aid will cover it all, they'll do EVERYTHING for you. You'll be in court two days later and he won't know a thing about it until he's served the papers.

Also, they may try to then (after Non-mol has been served) arrange child contact via Contact Centre if he says he wants contact. Actually saves a fortune on fees as it's all covered by legal aid IF done as part of the Non-Mol process which is covered by legal aid on the basis of domestic abuse (which if you need a non-mol cos he's harassing you, then that is classed as domestic abuse) x Pm me if you need more advice on that matter.

Thanks for the info on the NDVC mother, I hadn't realised I'd be entitled to legal aid nor was I aware that harassment on its own counts as domestic abuse.

It's good to know I'm covered when needs be, about the contact centre aswell.

I have no regrets about sending the screenshots at present. He will probably tell her he only said it because he felt bad about cheating on me and the rest of it, but if she can overlook such disgusting things said about a pregnancy then that's her personal choice

It's like a game of 'piggy in the middle'. And you're in the middle. The only thing you can do is stop playing the game.

Good on you for blocking her. Now block him. I'm sure he'll have a few 'choice words' about you sending the shots. Words you do NOT need to hear.

She deserved to know what vile things he was saying so well done on sending the screen shots.
I am very dubious that she is in fact, pregnant.

I was dubious aswell to begin with but now I'm fairly sure its true, mainly because I can't see her telling both him and his mum about it if it wasn't? I mean it's not a lie that you can keep up for long

I was supposed to see preg tests when I went there but wasn't shown them, I put that down to the fact i told her I believed her and she probably didn't see the need to prove it anymore.

He hasn't seen tests either though, but she told him she did a clear blue.

Now I used a clear blue when I was pregnant and I know the digital result turns off after a couple of days and it goes blank. So unless she did other tests, I don't see how she could have shown me the test to begin with.

Probably did multiple I guess?

I know you and she will never be best friends, but I think it's ok to send the screenshots. It's up to her what she does now she's fully informed, but I hope she is as determined as you to show him the door. The best outcome would be two happy, healthy mums and their children doing well and poor little him communing with his self pity in the mud and rain.

I think she would take him back personally, she told me he cheated on her continually throughout their entire relationship but she still went on to get pregnant to him several more times so I don't know. They're both as dysfunctional as one another imo

She would have him back in a heartbeat. I bet any money on it.

Well if she does then more fool her eh :) He will do it again. A leopard doesn't change it's spots and if he can do it to somebody 8 months pregnant on Christmas day he's capable of anything imo

You are don’t really well Tumble.

That was meant to be

I'm not sure I could ever give someone time who wishes that their unborn baby dies.

Yup more fool her. But then she slept with him on Christmas Day knowing he had a pregnant partner at home. She's not innocent and if she has kept on going back to him after he's cheated then that's really sad.

I hope you are okay Tumbles. You are worth a million of him.

I think you need to stop focusing on the ex really and what she will or won't do. To be fair you chose to believe everything he told you despite no evidence and just his word, and tolerated some of his less than great behaviour. You also painted him as a great Dad despite knowing he wasn't financially supporting his kids. She has had several years of his manipulation, it isn't surprising if she is still emeshed either is it?

He is vile.

To say that about his unborn child just shows, more than any other action, what a vile piece of shit he is.

Keep those messages saved to your phone and if/when you start to waiver in your hatred of him and what he has done, maybe at a stage when the hurt isn't as deep and he's being 'nice', just read them over and over again. It should do the trick because I would rather eat my own insides than take back a man who lied, cheated and worst of all wished his own child dead.

Scum.

I'm not saying all of this is her doing or she's wrong to be feeling whatever she feels for him having clearly been manipulated herself, but it's natural for me to have a degree of focus on the fact she's done what shes done as I'm only human and she slept with somebody I had set up home with.

They both did it to me and although she didn't owe me anything in the first place she still knew i was about to give birth and slept with him regardless.

Despite that I was more than reasonable when speaking to her and didn't blame it all on her for 'seducing him' like some women would, nor have I accused her of being a slag etc and then chose to stay with xp regardless.

I recognised that he played us both and so directed my anger at him and not her, but she still played her part and that is obviously a problem for me.

I did overcompensate his quality of parenting on his behalf because I've been a blind idiot allowing myself to believe he was being hard done by and controlled by an ex for no reason at all.

Obviously now I know the full story I'm well aware he's a total shit, even where his kids are concerned.

So, he cheated on her repeatedly...he cheated on you on Christmas Day after you generously supported him to see his children...he was never in a million years going to be in any way faithful to you.

No massive rush to get access arrangements sorted out. Find out your rights, think about what you want....best sorted out once the dust has settled.

All that matters now is looking after your baby and enjoying every gorgeous little thing he does.

How is he?

My son is doing really well thanks for asking, he's a little treasure and I'm besotted with him :)

Such a content baby, in the daytime lol