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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Follow on from my AIBU thread 'to be sad about DP spending Christmas at his exes'

731 replies

Tumbleweeds24 · 29/01/2018 00:03

Had to start a new thread here. I posted in aibu in December as I was 36 weeks pregnant and my partner was spending Xmas at his exes.

I suspected foul play and finally found out today that they slept together on Christmas day, she's now pregnant. He's been lying to us both for months and when I went to speak to his ex in person he's done a runner saying nobody will ever see him again and turned his phone off. He's also fucked me over in not paying the rent.

Currently cradling my 2 week old son wondering wtf I'm going to do.

OP posts:
Clutterbugsmum · 31/01/2018 06:51

I would do one last message to both of them.

Her telling her that I hope both her and her children have a happy life, but for your own self you need to be out of this drama and concentrate on you and your baby. And that you and your Ex will not be getting back together.

Him I would just tell him that you are sick of his BS he is spinning both you and XxX. And not to contact you in anyway, including turning up at the flat and that you will not be letting him for at least a week. And if he doesn't stop you will have no alternative but to contact the police due to his harassment.

Then block them both for the foreseeable future and spend that time with baby bonding, getting your mental health back to where it should be. The both of them are taking far to much of your head space that should be for your baby.

LexieLulu · 31/01/2018 08:35

Why are you still texting him? Why isn't he blocked? Why have you unblocked ex?

Stop looking for drama!

Block out all negatives and spend time with your son. Between you and your son you will get through this

DeadButDelicious · 31/01/2018 08:39

I wouldn't be sending screenshots or what have you to the OW. It seems like both him and her have a tendency toward the dramatic and feeding into that won't make anything better. You owe her nothing. She's made her bed now it's time for her to lie in it. Him too. The only people you need to be concerned about is you and your baby. It would be completely reasonable to block both of them for a bit to get some headspace. Then when you feel ready tell him that any contact between the two of you will be about the child only.

I know it's hard, as angry as you are at him, feelings are hard to switch off and it's natural to want contact with him. He's your baby's dad.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/01/2018 08:47

he's a good person he just made a terrible mistake
I bloody hate it when cheating men say this.
You didn't accidentally fall dick first into her vagina!
Nobhead!
I'm glad you had a good night and I hope today is a bit better.
I agree with others though.
To get him out of your head you need to block him.
Even if it's just for the rest of the week.
Give yourself some headspace.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 31/01/2018 08:47

I'm a bit shocked at the comments about how i must be enjoying the drama, how could I given the circumstances?

I'm engaging because up until finding out, I was in what I thought was a long term relationship with somebody I love and have just had a baby with. It's hard for me to just block him and not engage given my emotional state, hormones and the fact I'm left holding a 2 week old baby.

No contact is easier said than done for some people, I never claimed to be strong. I envy those who are.

I'm going to stop posting before I'm accused of trolling again or causing any of this myself. Thank you to everybody else for the support

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 31/01/2018 08:53

Don't stop posting OP unless you really want to. If this has been a safe space for you then keep using it. Ignore the people who are saying you're doing it for the drama.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/01/2018 08:53

This is your place for support.
Don't stop posting.
Just ignore the idiots and take on board the helpful posts.
This is your thread and your journey.
Use it to your advantage.
I think it's hard for people to understand that this kind of thing does happen.
It seems so out of people comfort zones.
So don't worry about those people.
Focus on the good here and keep venting.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 31/01/2018 09:05

I don't particularly want to stop posting because 99 percent of the support I've received here has been priceless over the past few days when I've needed somebody to talk to and vent, but the thought of anyone thinking that way is quite upsetting.

Before this happened I would have sworn blind I'd be somebody who's able to just cut him out and not give any of it the time of day if he ever betrayed me, but it's proving harder than I thought it would be and every time I do engage with him I do kick myself. I know I look like a mug, I feel like one aswell.

OP posts:
sourgrapes28 · 31/01/2018 09:08

This always seems to happen! Everyone is really supportive until it's not going the way they want it to. Please keep posting if you feel it will help op.
He's the biggest shit I've ever heard of but if I was in your situation I don't think I could go no contact with someone I just had a child with. Especially as it was only a few weeks ago and with finding out everything just a few days ago. Your head must still be spinning. I wish you well op and do what's right you and the little one not what people on the Internet want xxx

Lndnmummy · 31/01/2018 09:14

Tumble this is very typical. It all starts out nice and supportive then people get frustrated because the op doesn’t act the way they think she should. It’s classic and happens time and time again. Try and ignore, we are here for you if you want to post. People (as crazy as it seems) forget that this is your life, it is a real person here with her heart broken, her world fallen apart, recovering from child birth - with a new born. Look, skim over the responses and don’t bother reading the ones that aren’t supportive. You don’t owe anyone here anything, just as you don’t owe ex, sister, exp anything either.

Lizzie48 · 31/01/2018 09:23

I agree, @Lndnmummy people on here feed on drama, treat it like the Jeremy Kyle show. They also have an inflated idea of their own importance imo, think OPs are duty bound to follow their advice.

But it will get easier not to be in contact with your exP as time goes on. Thanks

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 31/01/2018 09:25

I am aiming for no contact, I don't want him to think he's worthy of my time it's just proving really difficult to stick to :-(

OP posts:
Notallthat · 31/01/2018 09:30

I cannot imagine hoe you are feeling particularly so close to having given birth. Going NC with someone you love is so incredibly difficult, I don't think people realise unless they have been there. I do hope you are keeping copies and notes of everything though just in case he takes you to family court.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 31/01/2018 09:32

I've kept notes of absolutely everything yes, he won't take me to family court though he doesn't have the backbone or inclination. Even if I were to stop his contact he wouldn't go down that avenue because he's a saddo who doesn't do anything through the proper channels

OP posts:
EmyRoo · 31/01/2018 09:33

You cannot go no contact when you have a child in common, it is not feasible.
What you can have is boundaries around that contact.

So, you have a small baby, his dad should see him for small amounts of time. That time should be regular and consistent. That time is for dad to form a bond with his son, not hassle/sweet talk/discuss a relationship with you. Discussion with you should be about how best to organise this contact.

Dad is also required to pay maintenance for his son; that is a better use of his money than flowers.

If you get a consistent pattern in place, this allows you space to get your own head in order. You might not be looking for drama, but given your life experience so far, you might also not know what peace and quiet in your head feels like. Now is the time to find out, because your mental health should be your priority.

EmyRoo · 31/01/2018 09:34

Dad might not go to court, but if he harasses you, then you are within your rights to seek a non-molestation order to stop this.

Lndnmummy · 31/01/2018 09:43

One day at a time tumble, you can’t as you say go from having a live in partner that you share your life with to no contact whatsoever in 48 hours. Life doesn’t work like that. Keep practising putting your boundaries in place and when you are ready he can maintain contact with the baby.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 31/01/2018 09:59

If he does wind up harassing me or turning nasty I'll take that on board about the non molestation order.

The thing about his contact will be difficult because my mother and aunt won't have him in their homes after what he's done. I did ask last night for the sake of the next few weeks, so even if I didn't want to see him i would need to in order for him to see the baby

OP posts:
sourgrapes28 · 31/01/2018 10:04

That makes things a little more difficult tumble, would you consider letting him come to your house to see baby? Not ideal I know but maybe someone could be with you ( mum, auntie or a friend? ) when he comes to visit so that you don't have to interact with him.

mamahanji · 31/01/2018 10:12

Op you are not enjoying the drama and anyone who says that is just getting a little fix off of the drama you are going through! Ignore them. Seriously plain nastiness.

What you have and are going through is bloody massive. Please don't stop posting. Not because of some randoms on the internet that can just switch off from any trouble and other people not able to is a drama llama.

You are incredible and your lovely little boy is lucky to have a mother that is so focused and strong Thanks

Figgygal · 31/01/2018 10:28

Block all of them take some time out keep him away from you and your baby don't accept anything from him don't let him in the flat.

Forget about her she doesn't matter and if she shagged him on Christmas Day that was in full knowledge of you existing she is not your friend or ally In this.

He's a filthy piece of shit don't get dragged into either of their dramas

Ginger1982 · 31/01/2018 10:52

What about a contact centre OP? Then you wouldn't need to see him but his contact would be supervised.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 31/01/2018 11:16

How do I go about him having his access at a contact centre is that something i/he would need to pay for given how it's not court ordered?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 31/01/2018 11:31

As he's the father of your son, it's impossible to not engage with him. Some posters think they can dictate whst you should do.

He's been less than good...but he hasn't committed a crime here...so let's all bear that in mind.

No matter what happens..he has a right to see his son...he has a right to be in his life and it's not in your sons best interest to cut off ties with him and his family.

He has half siblings and in time .... it would be good for him to have a relationship with them.

Ignore those saying you love the drama. That's very insensitive.

Wintertime4 · 31/01/2018 11:35

Really do try no contact or ‘grey stone’ - for at least 30 days - basically being very boring and only replying with one word to texts etc.

It’s hard, especially week 3 I found, but it’s MUCH easier to start rebuilding your life. Trust me. Your ex will not run off, if anything it’ll make him miss you and want to get back with you, so you have to be strong.

But it gives you headspace and time. Time you really need to enjoy and bond with your baby.