Follow on from my AIBU thread 'to be sad about DP spending Christmas at his exes'

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Had to start a new thread here. I posted in aibu in December as I was 36 weeks pregnant and my partner was spending Xmas at his exes.

I suspected foul play and finally found out today that they slept together on Christmas day, she's now pregnant. He's been lying to us both for months and when I went to speak to his ex in person he's done a runner saying nobody will ever see him again and turned his phone off. He's also fucked me over in not paying the rent.

Currently cradling my 2 week old son wondering wtf I'm going to do.

Hi OP I think you are doing a wonderful job considering everything thats been happening. Please do look at home start your HV can refer you and also help you access any other services that would be beneficial for you.

I think any vitamins will be fine, it will all help.

I think you have been amazingly strong and can only echo what PP's have said about detaching from all of the drama and focussing on yourself and the baby for now.

It's really good that you have got your Mum and Aunty coming to help tonight, every little bit of support is good right now.

And as for his ex - she sounds like she absolutely had this planned and cannot be trusted. Whilst you may want to maintain civil contact for the future relationship of the children, definitely don't ever trust her.

You are doing so well

I'll ask her when she next comes :-)

I'm setting myself little objectives, like regulating my eating, telling myself that tomorrow I must get out the house even if just for an hour or so, not engage in any him-related chats with his ex and so on.

I don't want to sink into self destruct mode and that seems all too easy to do right now. I'll be damned if I allow myself to fall and let my son down all thanks to one bastard and his baggage

Imagine creating and having a baby out of spite. Imagine being that messed up you think that's ok or a good idea. Wow.

What do you mean? Did she confess to do this? Try to distance yourself from her dramas. You don’t need it. You don’t need anymore information or comparing notes. You know enough. She thrives on the drama and it will eat you up. Save your energy for yourself. You are doing so so well.

You will not fail your son.

Nah she didn't confess that the baby was out of spite, that's just a conclusion I'm jumping to based on everything that's happened and how she's behaving, knowing about me then sleeping with him just miraculously at the right time. I might be wrong but everyone I've spoken to IRL seems to think she's thriving off him cheating on me and becoming pregnant. I trusted her a little when we met but she's shown her true colours today changing her tune with me now he has seemingly cut her off and won't talk to her

I expected him to go straight back there considering he was sooo miserable with me. I don't know why he's wasting his time and energy cutting her off and trying to salvage things with me if she is what he wanted. Why not just fuck off back there and be done with it.

My mum and aunt take vitimins I think, I'll ask them to fetch some with them when they come later on

@Graphista I have made it quite clear that I have NOT Trollhunted! Stop jumping on the band wagon! Unless you have anything helpful to say, don't say anything at all please!

The most empowering thing I discovered I could do after my relationship breakdown was to delete his texts and voicemail messages without reading them or listening to them. When he wishes to see your child, compose a text, tell him the non negotiable arrangements but be fair, and get him to see them at your mum's or somewhere else you won't need to be. He has nothing you could possibly want, he sounds like a dreadful bloke, like mine was. It just takes a while to see it!

I'm trying to scrape together the strength to do the same Jon, atm I feel so overly compelled to see what he's saying I can't help but unblock him every couple of hours. I know that's ridiculously unhealthy and I'm not helping myself at all but I'm sure this is a passing phase and because I'm still in shock.

That's a good idea about his contact being elsewhere, like at my mum's or aunt's.

Isn't that funny how I'm prepared to let him see a 2 week old baby for an hour or two to begin with, elsewhere without me present, but she won't let him see two school age children anywhere other than her flat and with her. I'm glad I'm better than to be so sad I would use the children as a reason to spend time with a cunt of an ex.

He's welcome to his contact i would actually prefer it be held elsewhere.

I've said plenty helpful I think on this and other threads inc the original thread to this one.

"It's just that on mn there are a lot of trolls"

"You wouldn't be saying that if OP had turned out to be a troll though? "

"Like I said, there are a lot of trolls on here that waste our time!"

You don't get to tell me OR anyone else inc op what to say, whether to post and what questions they HAVE to answer.

Op if you're struggling to eat much go for high nutrition but light foods like soup, eggs, things on toast - little and often. Fruit juice/smoothie too as full of vitamins and will keep blood sugar and fluids up. If fluids low bp can be low and that can make you feel "off" too, you'll have lost fluids at the birth and if bf will need more too. Nutrients from food and drink are more easily absorbed than from tablets but taking a supplement won't hurt. And yes as for all new mum's sleep when baby sleeps and do min housework which as you said mum and aunt can help with anyway.

Soups smoothies etc seem like a good idea, i can't see me struggling with those. It seems to be solids I can't stomach at present, I had a small amount of cottage pie last night but I found myself having to swallow most of it with water just to get it down.

I developed something of an eating problem years ago after a period of high stress, I lost alot of weight and looked quite sickly. I don't want that happening again. I love my food usually, probably a bit too much lol

Hi all,

We've had a lot of reports about this thread.

We're going to suspend it while we iron a few things out with the OP.

Thanks

Hello again,

We've been chatting to the OP, and we're satisfied that everything seems to be above board - so we'd like draw a line under any troll-hunting here now, please.

As ever, though, any worries at all - just report to us, and we'll take a closer look.

Thanks

Wonderful, that message should hopefully be clear enough and we can move on. How are you OP? I have sent you a PM.

Tumble, what would you think about blocking both him and ex and then handing your phone over to your mum or auntie to keep when they visit. They can give it back if you need to answer it for someone else. That way you won't be able to 'check on him' and she won't be able to play with your head. I know I'm harping, but it's really important to your being able to separate your life from his, to get him out of your head as it were.

I'm of the opinion that the ex has an ulterior motive in forming a relationship with you. She wants him back. And what's the old saying? "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer"? She wants to be sure she has a conduit into your thoughts about him so she's 'keeping you close'.

And as far as why he'd want you instead of her when she's willing to have him? Probably because life with you was 'cushier' than life with her. Perhaps she demanded more of and did less for him than you did. But none of that matters. All you need to know is that he is NOT a good person and NOT a good father.

I expected him to go straight back there considering he was sooo miserable with me. I don't know why he's wasting his time and energy cutting her off and trying to salvage things with me if she is what he wanted. Why not just fuck off back there and be done with it

Give it time OP. When it finally sinks in that you don't want him back that's when he'll probably go back to her. He still thinks there's hope for you and him.

Ahh but you see, being with her means actually being with his kids, having to parent them and be involved. They’re not babies sonyih can’t just cuddle them either. Also, as much as he might fancy her and enjoy the thrill of cheating he probably actually doesn't want a relationship with her because it would then be the boring stuff like hosue work and money and childcare etc. TBH, I don’t think this guy wants a proper relationship with anyone. I don’t think he is capable of an adult relationship. He’s too selfish and lazy. He’ll carry on playing her off against whoever his next mug is.

OP, keep strong. Enjoy your baby. He will only be newborn for a couple more weeks. When its hard, remember that. A baby is a reason to live in the moment, because everyday brings changes.

Hello all

I have received a number of PMs but I can't see them, I'm using the mumsnet talk app so when I get an email notifying me of a private message and I click the link from my gmail to take me to it - it opens this app and not the webpage - the app doesn't have a way of me seeing my private messages and if it does then I can't find it? Anyone? I may have to load up my laptop to read and respond to them, so bare with me I'm definitely not ignoring anyone and appreciate those who are reaching out to me

Just woke after about 90 mins sleep, feel a little less fatigued for it. Ive had no more messages from her as of yet and im trying to stop myself wondering whether he's spoken to her. I really want to stop giving a crap about what does and doesn't do but it seems like being paranoid and curious about it all comes naturally after finding out how badly I've been lied to.

Aww omg that really saddened me about my little one only being newborn for another couple of weeks, his whole life so far has been surrounded by all of the crap that his dad has caused, even before I knew of the cheating and pregnancy. I'm so mad that such a special time has been tainted and I'll never get that back

I know, it is sad but you will make new happier memories. It is good that you are not in constant contact with ex, nothing will benefit you from doing that. She has her own agenda and you have no responsibility towards her. All that drama seems entirely needless and not at all what you need now.

Of course you want him to be remorseful and regret his actions. This is entirely normal. This is all so raw still and it will take a long long time to process it all.

That's very true. I also know that any remorse is staged and if he's sorry then it's only because he got caught.

He's bought me flowers and brought a load of baby milk, food, round the flat.

He's never bought me flowers in the entire time I've known him even though I've hinted at liking them, what girl doesn't. He always said he's not a flowers kinda guy, prefers to buy more practical gifts that don't just die.

How sickening that when he finally does it's because he's cheated.

Telling me to sell all his things and keep the money too.

Oh hes actually paid the rent now I spoke to my landlord. He's been on the phone to him playing the 'please pity me I've fucked up' card.

Also, miraculously he's declared his undying love for me now, saying he always has loved me but didn't think I would want to hear it.

I asked him why? Then he reminded me of something I said when we met "Don't go falling in love with me. I don't want to fall in love again" I told him that in a light hearted manner after the first few dates 2 bloody years ago.

Surely nobody is that stupid they think I was serious, especially when the relationship reaches the stage of having a baby and living together.

All lip service isn't it.

He said he thought I had barriers when it came to the L word due to everything from my past and because I never told him I loved him he didn't want to pressurise me to say it back.

What a load of bullshit.

I let him see his son for 10 minutes then asked him to leave. I Don't want to do all of this today

I didn't invite him over he just came. I shouldn't have even opened the door I feel like a weak idiot