Follow on from my AIBU thread 'to be sad about DP spending Christmas at his exes'

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Had to start a new thread here. I posted in aibu in December as I was 36 weeks pregnant and my partner was spending Xmas at his exes.

I suspected foul play and finally found out today that they slept together on Christmas day, she's now pregnant. He's been lying to us both for months and when I went to speak to his ex in person he's done a runner saying nobody will ever see him again and turned his phone off. He's also fucked me over in not paying the rent.

Currently cradling my 2 week old son wondering wtf I'm going to do.

It wasn't unkind at least that wasn't the intention. I was trying I understand the situation better

Gotta agree with Lndnmummy, it was very unkind and very snide of MotherofaSurvivor. Pretty shitty when OP needs support. I think you should ask for that comment with your unhelpful digging to be deleted.

Tumble how are you now? Have you had the chance to eat and get some rest? ❤️

Just wanted to say I am so sorry what an absolutely horrendous man!!

Hiya

I got a little sleep, I dosed off next to DS Moses basket and woke just now. Little one is still fast asleep so I'm going to take his basket through to bed after a feed. Hopefully he's feeling generous and stays quiet long enough for me to get some more much needed rest

Reading your last few posts (re his dad, ex's sis, etc) made me wonder if perhaps you may want to consider moving out of the area. Obvs if you have family and/or a job where you currently live it may not be possible, but if I were you I'd seriously consider it. It sounds as if there is just too much drama involved with this man and his 'world' and I'd want to have myself and my child out of it.

I wish I could. This is the only place I do have any family and I also have a job lined up to go back to once my son is old enough for creche. I know I could find another but the idea of being away from what family I do have is a bit daunting especially at the minute.

I'm going through the motions so quickly at the minute. I cried myself to sleep but woke up feeling nothing but disgust and repulsion at what he's done. I hope he's kicking himself, I'm no oil painting but I'm not half bad and he's got to have been out of his mind to risk losing me for a quick bunk up with her.

What a stupid foolish man

We have a lovely well kept flat, nice things, I'm somebody who bent over backwards to make him happy, I always make an effort with my appearance so he cant say I let myself go like he used to moan about her doing, i accepted his children and never tried to come before them, was there for him incessantly and was his confidant, treat the git like he was the only man in the world, i never tried to control him or filter who he spoke to

And what does he do? Risk all of that for a 5 minute bunk up with an intoxicated ex who he was "so unhappy with" in an unsanitary environment on Christmas day

He's just a dirty pig. No matter how good some men have it they'll never appreciate it enough to turn down a quick shag. Since when did sex become the be all and end all to somebodies well-being

Remember, Tumble, the infidelity only came to confirm all the lies he has told you. The actual sex-act is the least of his faults, from what I have been reading of your story.

Head up, you have a beautiful boy to look after. I don't know about totally cutting out the mother of your child's siblings, see how that plays out. It could be helpful in the future.

So sorry this has happened to you OP and glad to see you are muddling your way through.

I was in a similar situation with my ex playing me off against the mother of his other kids, I'm pretty sure they slept together when I was pregnant (also bad SPD here!) while I was still with him but I've no proof.

These men are manipulative scumbags and they always find their mark. I suspect with you, like with me, part of the allure was that you were already a victim of abuse; once you shared your vulnerability you gave him the means to exploit you.

What you need to keep in mind is that his ex is also a victim. I can see a lot of people are starting to attack her - how can she be pregnant? What's her agenda? Of course she can know she's pg, I knew at dead on 2 weeks. She is just as much of a victim as you are, and she has been at the mercy of this man for much longer aswell so it's more entrenched in her (I'm certainly not saying it's worse for her because it's been longer, I mean it will probably take more for her to extract herself esp. as her kids are older and know their dad).

While I think she deserves sympathy, I would steer well clear of her regardless of the blood ties between the kids. At the moment you are very vulnerable being a new mum and doubly so finding out what a shitbag your son's dad is. If you maintain a relationship with her, your ex will use this as a means to control you. I had to cut ties with a couple of good friends because of this. He'd be whispering in their ears about how awful I was (lies about not letting him see his kid, he saw her twice a week...) and getting them to relay information back to him. They never realised it was happening. You'll be best off finding the support elsewhere - if that's not in your family/friends then go out and find new mummy friends.

Well done for registering him on your own!

Dear Tumble - I am reading your post at 03:34 (I hope you got some sleep) and it reminds me of your first thread, where you acknowledged that you did not challenge him on things for fear of being like his ex.

The post is about everything you did to keep him happy, and still he went back. What about you? What made/makes you happy? This was a man, from what you already knew, had not taken his children to his own place, saw them at his ex-wife’s, texted a lot with her, paid a pittance in child maintenance, gamed a lot of the time, has a poor work ethic - not sure, might have missed something - and you bent over backwards to make sure he didn’t go back to her (rather than saying, she’s welcome to him). In the nicest possible way, I think you were hoping he would be/provide the family you lack, except he already still had his foot under the table in his first family.

This is on top of a fairly traumatic-sounding life to age 22, with no maternal support, an abusive ex and a child you are not primary carer for (I respect your right not to discuss this, I am just saying how much you have come through)

At the moment, however hurt you feel, you do have a nice flat, a good job to return to, your DS with you, your aunt who sounds supportive, and your whole life in front of you.

This is why posters are saying stop engaging with your DS dad, his ex and extended family. It’s ‘enough’ time. Take care of yourself and your DS. Just stop, take a deep breath and get on with the chance you have for your own life.

DS will have appropriate contact with his dad, if dad asks. That is the end of your responsibility to this man.

I also think his Ex is a victim. Coerced into so many abortions by him. He lied about the OP.

I think it's important that your DS knows his half siblings and that can be done through contact with his Ex.

For the meantime though...you need to focus on yourself and the baby. A new mum doesn't need this headache.

Keep looking forwards, OP.

Establish YOUR world today. Speak with your own friends and family and try not to engage with his. In the end, they are all wanting something from you.

And it wasn’t just the ‘quick shag’ that threatened your relationship. It was the constant lying and manipulation, the pathetic mismanagement of his life with his gaming, the way he reacts when angry, shoving people and kicking mirrors, his horrible personal hygiene....

Honestly, you are very well rid of him and free. Use your freedom to talk to people in your own world. Take your baby out and show him off to an adoring family member of YOURS.

Stay away from his ex, his Dad, his brother, and especially his bloody texts!

I know it will be a hard day, it will take a while, but make a start in looking forwards if you can.

@TemptressofWaikiki Snide? Unhelpful digging? Are you reading different comments than what I wrote?? Or just trying to cause trouble? I'm sorry but I've had multiple PMs from people on this thread agreeing they can see I meant no harm and was merely asking a question we all had a right to ask!

As a Mother, I would never ever deny my child's existence and simply could not understand why OP had done. I think you're being very goady now and trying your best to derail this thread. You're showing yourselves up, now give up please!

Morning all. I've had a few hours sleep and blocked his number for the timebeing. I had messages from him saying he's changing the way he deals with her, wants to prove to me he's going to do right by the children the proper way, never wants anything to do with her romantically ever again and the usual bullshit you would come to expect from a desperate ex trying to clutch at straws and win you back. I'm not buying into it or engaging for the timebeing.

Anyhow.

Before I had chance to consider blocking her on Facebook too I had a message from her also saying he's been in touch. She relayed similar to what he said about how he doesn't want her texting him anymore and only wants her to call him with regards to seeing the children, important appointments and updates.

she she suspects this is my doing because before we broke up I said to him I don't think it's appropriate they be texting about anything other than the children

Was I being unreasonable to say that? If a couple are separated I see no reason for them to be texting daily about anything other than the children and I said as much.

Shouldn't contact have been solely about the kids well-being, access and health appointments etc?

I'm not happy to be shouldering the blame for that one, especially now he's not here, I think that when I said what I said i was perfectly within my rights as his partner to say that.

Was I the controlling one like is being implied?

I don't think I was at all. I put up with it for a long time.

No you weren’t being unreasonable saying that!
She clearly doesn’t like not having any relationship with him though, if that’s her issue

Mother, I don't deny my first child's existence, ever IRL, but don't like to talk about where i dont need to because it's emotive for me. FWIW I lost custody of my first born when I was at a very young age because I was in an abusive relationship, had no support and didn't have the means to safeguard that child. I was a teenager, a child myself.

Fast forward some years I have a very different life and went on to have another baby, my newborn, which I'm now in a position to care for. The derailment of this thread is what I wanted to avoid, coupled with the fact it's a topic close to my heart that I find upsetting. I don't see why I should have mentioned that part of my past here.

I’ve just caught up on both your threads, but haven’t read all the replies & advice you’ve had, there’s just too many. The recent one from EmyRoo is, in my opinion, spot on, also you seem to have a lovely, understanding landlord

I've lurked since the first threat and can honestly say your son is very lucky to have a strong mum like yourself, also never seen a thread that's made me so fucking angry on another person's behalf.
So now you are getting the blame for him not wanting to text her. I'm sorry op for everything that has went on but she's just as bad as him. She knew about you and still slept with him and now she's got a free bloke ( she's more than welcome to the dirty fucker ). Block everyone and give yourself some head space from this bunch of drama obsessed loons. This should be a happy time for you and your little bundle of joy.

I think given what happened with your previous child it is even more important for you to distance yourself from all of these people. You sound like you are now much better placed to care for your son, don't jeopardise that by staying with someone who kicks off in the street with your baby present, where the police are called etc.

she she suspects this is my doing because before we broke up I said to him I don't think it's appropriate they be texting about anything other than the children

Didn’t take her long to turn on you did it? Told you, keep your distance from her. You are the wedge between her and him. She wants him, you are the obstacle. Remove yourself from the whole situation.

You are not being unreasonable for thinking that the only contact they should have had is about their children and nothing else.

Sounds like she’s been happy to have been there in the background, sleeping with him etc.

This woman is not your friend. She is only looking out for her interests and already she’s already shifting the blame nicely on to you for his behaviour. Bear in mind this is a woman who apparently found out about your and your pregnancy in December and had sex with him on Christmas Day. She didn’t care about you then, nor the situation. She will fall for whatever crap he tells her and you will be made out to be the villain of the piece.

Block them both for your own piece of mind. Block the sister as well. (Why is she still messaging you?)