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Original poster

How old is too old to have kids?

175 replies

rightageforkids · 27/01/2018 03:18

I am 40 and have no kid. Dh doesn't want. We got married late and now he thinks it's too late. He has become a workaholic with no time for anything else :(
I still hope that one day there will be kids or at least a kid. I know I am dreaming.
How old is too old for a woman to have kids? I used to think 40 (just to be fair to kid).

OP posts:
StandardRussian66 · 27/01/2018 03:23

It’s very Individual to each person. I wouldn’t have any past 30, but have friend who had baby at 46.

tararabumdeay · 27/01/2018 03:36

Enjoy your relationship and let nature take its course. There is some beauty too regarding fostering or adopting older children.

hevonbu · 27/01/2018 03:48

There are some cases of women who have their first (and last) child at your age but it is more the exception to the rule. Like the previous poster said, there are probably many older children who live in children's homes and who have dreamed about being adopted but don't have much of a chance as they're considered too old by most. Adoption of children over approximately age six is considered "older child adoption". An older child might also be more age relevant to your age of 40+ (as they were babies when you were in your early thirties) but it requires that it is the child that you want in your family, not just a cute little baby to cuddle.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 27/01/2018 03:48

Most of my friends (and me!) have had babies in their 40's. It's very normal round here!

One friend had her first at 42 and is pregnant again at 46. The issue really is that you say your DH doesn't want a child? You're definitely still young enough though!

Elllicam · 27/01/2018 04:52

I would say 40 was still ok.

ohlittlepea · 27/01/2018 04:53

Some women are able to have babies in their 40s and do so without complications, however its worth reading up on the risks before you proceed, and you do need a willing partner who can support you if your fertility journey is difficult or the baby is born early etc.

Intelinside · 27/01/2018 04:57

30, standardrussian? 😂 ha ha ha.

Shutupanddance1 · 27/01/2018 05:05

@Intelinside - I’m 29 and about to have my 2nd and last baby a month before I’m 30. Planned it that way so I could make the most of the energy I have in my late twenties and can focus on a career now

MistressDeeCee · 27/01/2018 05:05

If your DH is a workaholic and doesn't want children that's a major issue. Are you aiming to get pregnant, or adopt? Either way - he doesn't want children. If I desperately wanted children I'd go it alone. It must be a miserable existence, wanting and hoping to be a mother, but your man doesn't want to be a father.

What's he working so very hard for? As you're childless with no childcare to worry about it would be nice if this was your quality time to spend together. Workaholic = always at work, doesn't it? No company for you

I'm not saying you should go it alone by the way, just my thoughts around whether you want the man and marriage more than you want children.

Why not look into fostering?

Intelinside · 27/01/2018 05:17

Shut up and dance: good for you but obviously being in your 30s is not too old to have kids like standard Russian said. If it had taken you a few more months to get pregnant with your second which would have tipped you into the early 30s beak, you'd have said 'whoops missed the boat now', no more kids for me!'. I assume not.

There's a difference between having a preference for being in your late 20s, and there's actively thinking women are too old by 30 to have kids isn't there...

Intelinside · 27/01/2018 05:18

Bracket, not beak.

PrincessoftheSea · 27/01/2018 05:18

I would not have a baby after 40
Too many risks

TournesolsetLavande · 27/01/2018 05:25

Personally anything over 40 would be too old for me, but I accept that others feel differently.

The most important issue here though is that you are with a man who does not want a child. It's a shame, given your age, that you did not have a serious discussion about this before you got married. If you are determined to have a child then you should leave as soon as possible and focus on finding someone else or having a child alone.

Don't stick around hoping he'll change his mind, or that you can deliver him with a fait accomplis. That is sure to backfire on you either way.

Mum2OneTeen · 27/01/2018 05:26

I had my "better late, than never" baby when I was 40. So, so glad that I did!

CakeRattleandRoll · 27/01/2018 05:36

I had mine at 40 and 42. I couldn't imagine planning to have children in my twenties - too many other things to do!

Bowerbird5 · 27/01/2018 05:42

My mum had my sisters at 42 and 44. Her sister had one at 42,44,46& 48. She had other children ten in total and my mum had me at 30 and another sister at 37. When mum was having dSis at

44 she mentioned about being an old mum the nurse said " You're just a spring chicken. We've a woman of 52 having a baby in the next ward!"
Two staff were I work have had babies I their 40's. They are loving it both children's entry started school.
I would say get your health sorted, have a check up and advice about it with GP and go for it. You might only get one chance but I would take it.

Standard Russian you might get a surprise yet! What then? I did at 35 and she is wonderful! My DH didn't want me to have another . I went ahead and he adores her they are thick as thieves.
As for energy both mums at work are full time teachers. That job takes a lot of energy but they have both sailed through it and are lovely mums.

Shutupanddance1 · 27/01/2018 05:45

@intelinside - for me it’s a personal choice. I chose to have my children younger, some people may not and want their children when they are older. No a few months probably wouldn’t have tipped it for me but being in my mid 30s might have, I’ll never know.

OP - did you not discuss children before you got married? Kids would be a deal breaker for me and if your DP just doesn’t want any then I wouldn’t advise getting pregnant with him, regardless of your age

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/01/2018 05:57

Realistically if you change nothing nothing will change. A woman’s fertility does reduce from mid 30’s and the risk of complications / birth defects rise. And every period is a period. That doesn’t mean you can’t get pregnant or that you can.

I suppose the question you need to answer is do you want a child more than you want to be married? Becoming single and sperm donation is a possibility. As is adoption.

You could perhaps consider paying to get the quality of your remaining eggs checked. This would give you a little time to gather information as to whether you would be likely to get pregnant and may also help you concretise your feelings.

I know doing this is a risk. As is doing nothing. You may find you don’t have any viable eggs in which case you have some answers. But what if you find out you do?

You says your dh has turned into a workaholic. Are you fulfilled and happy in your marriage?

I’m absolutely not an advocate for divorce btw. You sound very sad for someone, who has been married for a short period of time.

Does he know how you feel? Did you not discuss all this before marriage?

flumpybear · 27/01/2018 06:00

I had my second st 40 which was fine, if you're fit and healthy no reason why you couldn't try over the next 5 plus years why don't you get yourself/body baby ready just in case ?

Loulou0 · 27/01/2018 06:11

I had mine at 35 and 38. I'm 40 now and would love a third but I won't do it because I FEEL too old. I'm knackered and I want to get my career back on track after taking two lots of maternity leave.
I also do the maths. If I'm 44 when I have a baby, I'll be 60 when he is 16 and that, for me, feels too old to be dealing with a teenager!
I do wish I'd started having children earlier though so I could have had more.

BitchQueen90 · 27/01/2018 06:35

I think it's totally an individual decision. I wouldn't have DC past 30 but I was 22 when I had my one and only child and for me it's more a case of not wanting to start over, knowing my DS will be grown by the time I'm in my 40s and I can enjoy those years child free.

I think the problem though is that your DH doesn't want any. Has he always felt this way? Is he throwing himself into work as an outlet that he feels he's too old for DC? Would you be happy if you never had DC?

zippyswife · 27/01/2018 07:07

Personally I can tell a massive difference between when I had dc1 at 32 and dc3 at 38. But whether that’s due to age or due to the previous 2 having worn me out- who knows? There’s no way I would want to have one any later. It feels too old for me. Having said that I would rather have one later than never at all.

But it is really personal. Good friend had her dcs when she was the same age as me and she’s now planning her fourth at 41.

FWIW where I live having a child at 40 is pretty common. Not unusual at all.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 27/01/2018 07:16

In an ideal world younger than 40.

But I’d rather have a child at 40+ than no child at all.

BroccoliOnTheFloor · 27/01/2018 07:33

You're too old to have children naturally when you stop ovulating. For most women this is around 50.

The nonsense of "you need to be under 30" is ridiculous. Yes, a 20 y old has more energy than a 30 y old; should we all have kids at 15 so that we're fresh young energetic grandmas at 30?

40 is totally fine. Many women do it.

However, you wanting kids and your partner not wanting them is an issue. Have you discussed it at length? Have you considered talking to someone else - a couple therapist or a mediator, to help you get to the bottom of the reasons for this disagreement?

Good luck OP!!

missymisdemeanor · 27/01/2018 07:38

A close friend adopted an 8 year old as single 63 year old woman, 2 years on they are very happy. It takes all sorts :)