How old is too old to have kids?

[rightageforkids]

I am 40 and have no kid. Dh doesn't want. We got married late and now he thinks it's too late. He has become a workaholic with no time for anything else :(
I still hope that one day there will be kids or at least a kid. I know I am dreaming.
How old is too old for a woman to have kids? I used to think 40 (just to be fair to kid).

I think we all have our own personal cut-off point. And then real life can get in the way and you can end up having a baby at 44 like my friend whose husband left her when she was in her mid-thirties and she had to go back to square one in the dating game.

But, for me, I knew (in an ideal world) I didn't want to be pregnancy at 40.

I had my last baby at 39.5!

Sadly OP, while this discussion is interesting, it's not really relevant to your situation. Even if every woman here says 'anything up to 45 is fine!' you're still going to be married to a man who doesn't want to have kids with you. That's your issue here, and what you need to focus on addressing.

Can you imagine never having a child? Considering it might not be easy or even possible at your age (or any age to be fair)? Would you consider surrogacy, IVF, sperm donor, adoption, to do it alone? How will you feel if you sacrifice having a child and then break up in a decade when it's too late to have a child? Why didn't you discuss this before marriage?

I'd proceed with the assumption he isn't going to change his mind and you need to decide whether to prioritise the marriage and let go of the desire to have a child, or whether you think the desire is more important, separate from him and pursue that aggressively.

FWIW I'm only 29, I want kids desperately. My last relationship ended as I was ready and he wasn't/didn't know if or when he'd ever be ready. It was the best decision despite how painful it was as I'd rather be single and working towards having a family than with someone where I know it isn't gonna happen. We split and I threw my energies into my career so that when I do have kids I have the best environment possible for them, and met someone who also wants them, I can't predict the future or whether I'll end up having them but we have a date in the next couple years to start trying. I'm lucky to have the luxury of time so I know it's not applicable to you quite the same... but you're not alone. Many many people have to deal with the pain of wanting a child but being with someone who doesn't... just like others have to deal with not wanting them but feeling pressured into it or like they're making their partner miserable. Hence why I now favour talking openly about kids and plans for the future early in a relationship so you reduce the risk of this happening (I did do that with ex but he changed his mind 😩).

I really hope this thread has given you some food for thought OP.

To be honest it's down to the person, I said 30 would be my limit. Everyone's different.

bower
I would not keep it if that happened.

It is a lot more commonplace to have children older now, ie around 40.

However, you have to bear in mind there is a big difference between having a baby at say 42, than being a parent to teenagers in your mid to late fifties.

I am a grandparent carer, becoming a grandparent at 39. I am now 55 and believe me there is a difference. Of course you cannot see the future when you are 40. The fact I could still have more children at forty was a subject discussed before the boys came to me and I had in fact lost a baby at 38.

However the fact I feel I have sometimes run out of steam is maybe because this is the second family I have brought up, two girls and now two boys. I am caught in a forever cycle of school runs. But having said that my neighbour is an older mum; she is 51 and has boys of 10 and 8 yet she seems more full of energy than me and I am only four years older.

I was adopted by people in their mid forties and I always felt rather embarrassed at them being so "old" and I have mentioned to the boys about embarrassment at me being older. They look at me like I am mad and say a number of their friends' parents are in their fifties. I don't think they are being kind, believe me teenage boys give it to you straight.

Hope my experiences don't confuse you further op.

Good friend is 51, her son is 9. I think it's hard. She has to keep up with all the school/after school activities, childcare whilst working etc. & she's not even at the secondary school stage yet. She's forever tired. She's a single parent tho, of course it would be easier with a partner. Albeit an unsupportive partner would be draining.

I had mine at 31 & 32, which is deemed quite late. I'm in my 50s now and DCs are aged 24 & 23. So I've already had years of them being pretty independent and me living my own life pursuing hobbies, career change etc. At this age I would not like to have a school aged child. I like the freedom of no longer having to plan everything around DCs. Props to those who manage. I think it's do-able,just not for everybody.

I had my 4th at 40..8 years on and I've as much energy as I did when I had my first in my early thirties. I have no illness, eat well and exercise most days which is very important when you get older. It gives you the energy to look after house and kids and work. My parents are in their 70s and also eat well and exercise most days and have got more energy than many people younger. So it depends a lot on your lifestyle and the luck you've had with your health.

I had my first two children mid nineties and then my third at 40 in 2001. Now I'm 57 to a teenage boy. I take him where he wants to go and am happy to meet youngsters his teachers in sixth form to discuss any problems or successes.

It took me longer to recover from the birth (it was an absorbed twin pregnancy as well), and he also has high functioning autism. I was incredibly fit at the time of his birth - wish I now had the energy I did then though!

I know someone who had twins at 44 - born premature with their first 8 weeks spent in hospital. It was exhausting and overwhelming for her and her partner. It was her first pregnancy.

It depends on your situation. I think your situation is very tricky OP as your partner doesn't want children - a lot of men are like this though and they are not as willing to take the risk that women might.

Good luck!

There’s never a bad reason for not wanting a child, it’s a very personal decision. Therefore, age isn’t the issue, being married to someone who doesn’t want one is.

If not having a child is a dealbreaker then you need to say so because time is not on your side.

I an ideal world I would say before 40.

All of my friends from University had dc much older yet at the primary school DS went to I was really old compared to the other Mothers though I was only 39.

Your age is against it's not ideal but more that that you don't have the partner who wants dc. If you want dc more than him you need to spring in to action and do something.

In an ideal world I’d say about 38 would be good to have your last, but i think stretching to early-mid 40s is doable too. Any later gets very unfair on the child IMO

A friend had her first at 41. I think the child keeps her young. She has a lot of energy still and a young outlook on life. She had a great life before that building up a career and travelling. She didn't plan on leaving it so late but it happened that way. She's happy with just the one.

If the mother is in their 40s is it wrong for the father to be in their 50s?? Just wondering??

Having a baby at 40 isn't that uncommon anymore OP you can do it if you really want to I wouldn't have a baby past 50 though but everyone is different, I'm 25 and just had my first. It sounds like you and your husband need a serious talk.

40 would be too old for me.
At 49 I've got my life back and I love it.
But my best friend had her DS at 39 and loves it.
I work with someone who had one at 40.
But time is running out for you.
If you want one and he doesn't then you may need to do it on your own.
My friend had her DS by sperm donor!

for me I think it depends on the age of both mum AND dad as to me it's not about the risks of pregnancy as that is personal and individual to each couple to decide. My personal opinion is that 50 is a 'if u haven't had 1 by now then don't wait. do it now' age. My feeling on this is purely down to how fair it is on the child.
There was something recently about a man who is 84 and his partner (who ok is a lot younger) have just welcomed a baby. what is the likely hood that the child will have to bury his father before he's a teen (or even starts school at 5)?
There was also the woman who gave birth at 64 both the mother and father died before the child was 10 so now is an orphan.
And my own brother and sister. their dad was over 50 when they were born and he died 3 days after my sisters 21st... it devastated them both and my sister developed ptsd.
For my situation my cut off if I could have more would be 40 as my husband is 9 years older than me however having my kids young I did see a difference between having my 3rd at 24 and my 4th at 27 energy wise so I don't think I could cope at that age

Having a baby at 40 isn't that uncommon but the majority of those who have babies at this age are on their 3rd or 4th pregnancy. And I think this makes a difference.

There is a huge difference between having a first baby in your 20s/early 30s as opposed to starting in your 40s.

It's a very personal opinion.

I'm 24 and will not be having any more children (of my own) however will not rule out adopting if financial circumstances allow in the future.

My best friend had her daughter at 40.

Have you considered adoption?

I think it’s up to the individual. Taking aside the fact that your partner doesn’t want kids (that will be the crunch factor here I think), I had my first in my mid 30s but we kept trying into my 40s, however my body wasn’t playing ball so it didn’t happen. You may find your body takes away the option

I was late to have a baby (37) and I didn't think it was too late BUT I think if I could have had him earlier it would have been better as I'm exhausted ALL the time. It's not that I didn't want a baby earlier it just didn't work out for us before but I'm glad I've got him and wouldn't be without him but I need help more as struggle with the sleepless nights and constant crying.

I had my first (& only) at 41. It’s fine, she’s healthy, we are tired but no more so than friends in their 30s with young children. I have lots of friends who have also had babies in their 40s and are likewise fine. There is no way I was ready for children in my 20s, way too busy having fun. We only ever wanted one though, I think if we’d wanted more I would have started earlier. It’s not too late until you stop ovulating. As others have said the bigger issue is your partner not wanting children.

40 is not too old, however putting it bluntly time is running out, you don't have the luxury of sitting back and hoping he changes his mind, if you are happy to remain childless for the sake of your relationship then carry on as you are, but if having a child is playing on your mind, the longing is only likely to get worse!
You need an honest chat with him, don't put it off, tell him how you feel and give him time to digest it and think.
I was in your position, luckily my partner did change his mind and we have 2 wonderful children on whom he dotes!
I sympathise with you, I've been there, i respected my partners decision that he didn't want kids but i resented it, it was all i could think about, if he hadn't had a change of heart I'm not sure what state our relationship would be in now!
That said some men just really don't want that and forcing him into parenthood isn't fair so be prepared that you may have to choose between your relationship or your chance of a child!

Your problem is not your age it's your partner.

It’s all very subjective because what works for one doesn’t for someone else and vice versa. IMO it’s also important to remember that you’re not just talking about having a baby at 40 or older but about having a child for the next eighteen years and the age at which you’ll be parenting hormonal teenagers with attitude. So while you might be happy to have a baby at 45, will you be happy to have a child still in school when you’re 60?

And I really wish people would stop touting the “you can always adopt,” line as if that really is a viable alternative. It really isn’t. Yes of course some people choose to adopt for their own personal reasons but this notion of adopting as an alternative to trying is ludicrous. It’s not like deciding to get a rescue puppy instead of going to a breeder - it’s a long, arduous process which takes years to achieve, and if you’re adopting school aged children there are huge issues related to so-doing and the level of adoption breakdown is extremely high so not something to be entered into unless you are 200% committed to wanting to do it as opposed to just deciding to do it because you might be too old to have a biological child.

I have 5 kids ranging from 27 to 3. My youngest is adopted so i am a 53 yr old with a 3yr old child.
It is obviously not for everyone and not meaning to sound smug but i have boundless energy and my adult children say i can run rings round them in terms of stamina . Now i am lucky in that and it helps that i dont need much sleep but honestly i really think it keeps me young having my younger ones around me. But it is worth thinking about copng with young kids if you have dodgy health etc . Non of us know what the future may bring on that score but if there is anything obvious then factor that into your decision is my opinion.
It is v much an individual choice but as others have said older mums are common today and 40 is definitely not too old.