Having doubts about my relationship - can you help talk me through it?

[ChooChooLaverne]

I just need to put my thoughts down as my head is in a spin and I'm not sure if it's me or DP. I'm sorry but it's quite long.

I met DP 5 years ago and we're meant to be getting married in the summer. He's not speaking to me today. Again. I have told him that I don't like it when he sulks, I hate going to sleep on an argument and like to try and talk to resolve any problems - even if we can't agree - I don't see why we can't be kind to each other.

This time he's sulking because he asked me if I knew how to use the heater last night when I was about to start cooking and I said 'I know' but he didn't listen and carried on telling me how it worked (it's my heater by the way). Now admittedly I don't understand the inner workings of the heater (and nor do I care) but I do know that it has a dial to turn the temperature up and down which is why I again said 'I know'. He got angry with me as he didn't think I was listening to his explanation and he didn't like me saying 'I know' more than once when I obviously didn't know. (Sorry, I do know how tedious this is)

I tried to get him to lighten up and gave him a hug and apologised for interrupting him but I said I didn't think it was important enough to have an argument over and could we just make up and move on. He said it was important to him and went off and lay on our bed. I was trying to make dinner at this point and was about to go and say goodnight to my DS so I left him to it and hoped he'd calm down and we could carry on with our evening.

I tried chatting normally when we had dinner but he wouldn't look at me and gave me monosyllabic responses when I said anything so we spent the rest of the meal like a pair of Carmelite nuns. He went to bed early and when I went to bed later he didn't speak to me, kiss me goodnight or put his arm round me - like he does every night. He got up early for work this morning, didn't kiss me when he got up - like he does every morning - and came and said goodbye in a half-hearted voice before he left.

I haven't heard from him today and I normally get a couple of texts from his throughout the day.

I am normally the one to apologise and cajole/talk to him until he comes out of a sulk but I don't have the oomph to bother today and I haven't sent him a message either.

I feel like I seem to upset him without meaning to and I seem to find myself apologising a lot. I get the impression he sees himself as a victim but I really don't believe I'm to blame for everything. He can take offence over the slightest thing but can sometimes talk to me in a fairly aggressive tone of voice and doesn't seem to understand why I would find that upsetting.

However, most of the time he is absolutely lovely to me and very thoughtful. He has been very patient in developing a relationship with my DS who was very jealous of our relationship in the early days. But he does also seem to take offence at my DS's behaviour sometimes as though if he doesn't behave impeccably it's a personal slight to him.

When things are good between us I feel like we have a great relationship but today it's like all I can remember are the times that he's not spoken to me or has spoken to me in an unpleasant way and I'm not sure what to do. Ironically, there are a couple of wedding related things that I'm meant to be sorting out today but at the moment the thought of spending the rest of my life being given the cold shoulder from time to time by my husband fills me with dread.

Thank you if you've read this far. Is there anything I can do to resolve things? I'd appreciate any thoughts.

he can help of into = he can hold onto

I can back on to say that I wasn’t necessarily saying this guy is abusive... so I re-read the op.

I saw this:

I feel like I seem to upset him without meaning to and I seem to find myself apologising a lot

Added to this, the silent treatment, manufactured anger - it’s not real, it’s him making himself angry so he can justify being mean/angry/aggressive with you. It’s designed to destabilise you, weaken you and make you second guess everything

Have you had a particular kind of success or achievement? What preempted this? Did it come out of nowhere?

This silent treatment/made up rows is exactly how it starts - an unbalanced relationship where you start to walk on egg shells and worry about what you’re doing/thinking/saying.

Choo,
fabricating arguments to use the sulking as a way of punishing your partner and not accepting your part in it

Very perceptive of you.Their manipulative nature should not be underestimated.

Hissy, excellent post, it may sound dramatic or sensational to those who have no experience of abusive characters but I know from experience you are 100% right.

Some individuals hide what they are until a power inbalance and then the mask drops.Had I not experienced it I would struggle to believe it.

How did it go on Saturday, OP?

Rhubarb It was interesting. I had already decided I needed more time to think and didn't want to be rushed into any decisions there and then so stated that I wanted more space and to have another week apart and then we are going to talk about what to do next.

I did a lot of soul searching and reading before seeing him so felt like I was in a much better position to start from and it did really help me to talk to him after all the helpful advice I've had, especially all the posts from Hissy.

I tried to state clearly how I felt about everything and said this was no way to be feeling in the lead up to getting married so can't see that that's an option. He got quite emotional (as did I to be fair) and he also did quite a bit of ranting and raving.

He did admit to some of his behaviour not being acceptable (such as talking to me aggressively) but he didn't address the actual sulking issue in a way that would suggest that it would be resolved at all and didn't have any suggestions for what he might do to resolve his unacceptable behaviour. He also blamed me for quite a lot.

I am finding it much easier to think without him here and I'm now trying to see everything as it actually is - not as I would like it to be based on the lovely early part of our relationship. I've written a list of all the bad stuff that has happened and his behaviours so I can't just focus on the good times, as well as what I should actually accept/want in a relationship. It is hard trying to untangle everything and to deal with my feelings as I do still really love him. But I realise that the him that I love isn't necessarily the him that is real - if that makes sense - and it helps to see it written down in black and white.

I'm going to try and arrange counselling with someone who understands abuse to help me going forwards - I'll see if I can get a recommendation from Women's Aid.

I spoke to a friend of mine who is a counsellor and it took quite a while to explain to her that this isn't necessarily a situation that can be sorted out in couples counselling as though we are both equally responsible for what's happened. Which makes it clear to me that I need to find a counsellor for myself who really understands the dynamics of abuse.

It might seem daft but I actually feel disloyal talking about him in this way

Hi ChooChoo

Actually many women who have been in abusive relationships have uttered those same words too re supposed disloyalty. I can tell you now he has never ever shown you such consideration.

This man brought this upon himself; you are not responsible for his actions. Blaming you for his actions is all part of the abusers script (the old chestnut of you made me do it) as is the supposed apology towards you. He has not changed an iota, he did not address his sulking behaviours (aka emotional abuse) at all and he is still very much a master manipulator. He is not really remorseful, he felt entitled to do what he did. WA are certainly worth contacting here and you are making good progress yourself. Keep it up please!!!.

Friends can also be over invested, I would certainly not use the counsellor friend you spoke with as any sort of counsel going forward mainly because she does not understand abuse. That person should know at the very least that joint counselling is never recommended where there is or has been abuse of any type within the relationship.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Remember that too going forward.

Hi Attila

My counsellor friend is lovely and when I explained fully she did understand about abuse. But if I hadn't had all the advice on MN it would have been harder for me to explain to her and I wouldn't have known about couples counselling not being recommended if there is abuse in the relationship. Which shows how important it is to find a counsellor who understands the issues involved.

I was shocked when I googled couples counselling and emotional abuse and found that on the Relate website it doesn't rule it out.

I feel like I'm getting there slowly. Thank you x

Counselling isn't ruled out in abusive scenarios, but the counsellor must be trained accordingly - an d few are.

the issue here is that counselling only works if people want to make things work, and are prepared to change

Abusers don't change. they have a tendency to 'recruit' the counsellor and then to abuse victim ends up with TWO people pressuring them to put up with unsatisfactory and damaging treatment.

YOU need a therapist, but for you only. to help you see the wood for the trees, someone who knows what abusers are capable of and someone on your side. My therapist actually worked with the abusers in a recovery programme that exists for them. for me that was important as he would know what they are like and would know what tactics they use. I also felt that MY experience might help him see that there is no savation for these pathetic individuals... no idea if that happened though :)

I too know what you mean about the disloyalty. We spend so long weaving the truth into stories that subtly cover up the ugly reality that we believe it on some level.

When the last straw came for me, when my ex said something completely insane and made up to the DH of my best/only friend at the time in the hope that it would result in me losing the only person who showed me love and kindness, then I saw the full picture and it was like someone switching a light on.

This is what I said to my ex:

For you to make me look bad, you need to lie
For me to make YOU look bad, all I have to do is tell the TRUTH

he couldn't answer that.

You have started telling the truth. Firstly to yourself, then to us, eventually you will be able to say it out loud, then you will grow to realise that it's OK to tell the truth, that you have suffered a great deal and that has to end. You desetve to have happiness in your life.

Well done tho! you did very well on Saturday! Proud of ya!

I'm now trying to see everything as it actually is - not as I would like it to be based on the lovely early part of our relationship.

Remember this:
The lovely early part of a relationship with an abusive person is all smoke and mirrors - we spend YEARS trying to get back to that part of the relationship, but it never existed in the first place.

Its one thing I never ever understood - why is it that we take everything else on how it's working for us in the here and now, we understand how things change, people change, friends move on etc, we fall out with people, we get fed up with being treated badly by bosses etc...

BUT.. with abusers we freeze the fake bit in our heads and no matter how long ago it has been since they were 'nice' we keep thinking if we just do this/that/something else to please our OH, they will become that amazing person we had in our lives in the first few months/year. Ok so we don't realise it's fake, but somehow it's like they have tapped into a part no-body else reaches.

Keep him gone. His ranting and raving was the true him, I told you he'd get angry...

Here's one of our own... MN poster blog

www.saltandcaramel.com/the-signs-of-controlling-behaviour-the-red-flags-and-how-to-spot-them/