Having doubts about my relationship - can you help talk me through it?

[ChooChooLaverne]

I just need to put my thoughts down as my head is in a spin and I'm not sure if it's me or DP. I'm sorry but it's quite long.

I met DP 5 years ago and we're meant to be getting married in the summer. He's not speaking to me today. Again. I have told him that I don't like it when he sulks, I hate going to sleep on an argument and like to try and talk to resolve any problems - even if we can't agree - I don't see why we can't be kind to each other.

This time he's sulking because he asked me if I knew how to use the heater last night when I was about to start cooking and I said 'I know' but he didn't listen and carried on telling me how it worked (it's my heater by the way). Now admittedly I don't understand the inner workings of the heater (and nor do I care) but I do know that it has a dial to turn the temperature up and down which is why I again said 'I know'. He got angry with me as he didn't think I was listening to his explanation and he didn't like me saying 'I know' more than once when I obviously didn't know. (Sorry, I do know how tedious this is)

I tried to get him to lighten up and gave him a hug and apologised for interrupting him but I said I didn't think it was important enough to have an argument over and could we just make up and move on. He said it was important to him and went off and lay on our bed. I was trying to make dinner at this point and was about to go and say goodnight to my DS so I left him to it and hoped he'd calm down and we could carry on with our evening.

I tried chatting normally when we had dinner but he wouldn't look at me and gave me monosyllabic responses when I said anything so we spent the rest of the meal like a pair of Carmelite nuns. He went to bed early and when I went to bed later he didn't speak to me, kiss me goodnight or put his arm round me - like he does every night. He got up early for work this morning, didn't kiss me when he got up - like he does every morning - and came and said goodbye in a half-hearted voice before he left.

I haven't heard from him today and I normally get a couple of texts from his throughout the day.

I am normally the one to apologise and cajole/talk to him until he comes out of a sulk but I don't have the oomph to bother today and I haven't sent him a message either.

I feel like I seem to upset him without meaning to and I seem to find myself apologising a lot. I get the impression he sees himself as a victim but I really don't believe I'm to blame for everything. He can take offence over the slightest thing but can sometimes talk to me in a fairly aggressive tone of voice and doesn't seem to understand why I would find that upsetting.

However, most of the time he is absolutely lovely to me and very thoughtful. He has been very patient in developing a relationship with my DS who was very jealous of our relationship in the early days. But he does also seem to take offence at my DS's behaviour sometimes as though if he doesn't behave impeccably it's a personal slight to him.

When things are good between us I feel like we have a great relationship but today it's like all I can remember are the times that he's not spoken to me or has spoken to me in an unpleasant way and I'm not sure what to do. Ironically, there are a couple of wedding related things that I'm meant to be sorting out today but at the moment the thought of spending the rest of my life being given the cold shoulder from time to time by my husband fills me with dread.

Thank you if you've read this far. Is there anything I can do to resolve things? I'd appreciate any thoughts.

Attila thank you. You're right. Why should he listen now? It's not like I haven't told him how I feel.

Thank you all so much for your time - your responses have been really helpful. I'm thinking the idea of taking a break to have some breathing space might be a very good idea before making any major decisions.

ChooChoo

re your comment to me:-

"Atilla I did the Freedom Programme online several years ago and did find it helpful. I feel like actually seeing a counsellor who understands abuse might be more helpful now".

See such a person on your own, do your researches with due diligence and find someone who fits in with your approach. BACP are good and do not charge the earth either. Womens Aid would be worth having a chat with too.

Abuse is about power and control, its not about communication or a perceived lack thereof. He wants power and control over you and in turn your son.

ChooChoo

Good luck to you and your son.

Keep posting here when you need to, you need a safe outlet.

I do feel on edge a lot of the time but I thought that was my fault. Gah.

Definitely not your fault.

I don't want this to be my life.

I don’t blame you!

It doesn’t sound worth the work to try to put this relationship right. Why put yourself through it so that you can feel - at best - on edge for much of the time. I think he’s likely to get worse over time as well. Imagine you, or him, with a serious problem to face: would you deal with it as a team or would you spend your time managing his moods?

Attila thank you for all the advice - really appreciate it.

Hi OP, I married a sulker, a man who saw so many things through the lens of a personal affront. His father had been the same and my DH, like your partner, said how much he hated his dad's behaviour as a child, but still went on to do exactly the same thing.

I thought he would mature, grow out of it - I am logical, grown up, not a flouncer or sulker, so I have always struggled to understand his response. 22 years on and it doesn't get any better - I've tried every technique to resolve this but at the end of the day he is what he is. And it has got more entrenched as he has got older, not better.

OP, you should be madly in love if you are planning a wedding but instead he is giving you a taste of your life together in the years ahead. As others have suggested, it kills love in the end because your patience, tolerance and willingness to amend your behaviour to try and prevent his strops just shrivels and in the end evaporates. And all you can think of is 'FFS GROW UP!!!' And I say it too.

It's exhausting and all the more so because it is so unnecessary. Obviously I don't know your OP but from my experience, such people are incapable of change because they don't think they are in the wrong. It is their norm.

The issue with joint counselling is he may go along with it as a means of getting the wedding to happen.I believe ex was so keen for marriage as to him I would have less power and options once married.That's why I asked about housing and equality.If there is an upside to him marrying you (such as financial) be careful.

And completely agree about not explaining your feelings, he is your partner of 5 years, he knows you are upset, he just doesn't care enough or doesn't have compassion.

I was definitely in the boiled frog scenario, slowly crept up until it was intolerable.
I had missed your comments re your son, big, big red flag.

Outwardly ex had everything and appeared to adore me, in his own way he did, as long as I never stepped out of line.Time and my dependence on the relationship made his behaviour escalate.I so wished I had run when my instincts started to kick in.

Good luck OP, hope you get to the place where you can be confident about how to move forwards. Will be thinking about you.

Dancing - doesn't exactly feel like being madly in love at the moment, no. Sorry to hear you're in this position after such a long time.

Hermione - I tried to reply to your message but can't seem to get it to send. Have asked MN to look into it for me. I hope things get easier for you now you're out of your situation.

Dixey thank you so much. I'm flip flopping with my feelings at the moment. I think I'm finding it hard to give up the view of how lovely DP was to me for the first few months and can still be. But he's come home tonight and apart from a quick hello has been in a different room and hasn't spoken to me since

Time to pull the rug and suggest a split.

Sorry...he has got that upset because he was tells no you something you didn’need or want to hear. What would he do if you did the same to him? And he is still carrying it on!!

He sounds like an anonymous pain in the arse. Who could be bothered with someone behaving like that.

However, I am more concerned by his attitude to your child. What will his life be like if he upsets him? Will he sulk with a child? Would you sulk with a child? Why not? Then how will you stop this man doing it to him. Is sulking a form of abuse? It certainly feels like it!

I would give him one chance only, and I wouldn’t be chatting about it nicely. It would be along the lines of ‘ I do not want my DS or I to be subjected to moody atmospheres. If you have a problem we will talk it out and then it is finished’ I probably would scatter quite a few fucks in there too!

He needs to know where your boundaries are fior his behaviour towards you and your son.

Its a barrel of laughs in your house isn't it?And the 'patient with your ds' bit?'
Ask your son if he wants him around. It sounds godawful. Its not the 30's

Op even if you're prepared to put up with it, please don't inflict this on your son. I'm guessing your son isn't a teenager yet but he will get difficult and unreasonable probably like most teenagers. I can't imagine what your partner's reaction would be then.

He sounds like a tantrumming attention seeking child. You didn't drop everything to listen to the pearls of wisdom about your heater so now he will make you suffer and think about him for the next 24 hours or until you repent. He's getting the attention he wants , one way or the other.

left It is godawful isn't it? I can't understand how things have ended up here when I was so happy with him. It really is like the boiled frog analogy where I've let one or two small incidents pass without taking too much notice and then they've built up over time until now there's a massive red flag waving at me so I can't ignore it.

'D'P didn't say another word to me last night and left for work this morning without saying goodbye. I was sort of interested to see if he would try and make an effort to talk to me if I didn't do anything to resolve things. Guess that's my answer then. I assume him not even saying goodbye is over-egging just how aggrieved he's feeling as I haven't tried to make him feel better to try and get me to react. I don't know.

Cricrichan I am worried about the effect of this behaviour on DS, especially as he gets older. Like you say, how would he react with a moody teenager? Doesn't bear thinking about.

Am going to write him an email as I can't talk to him if he's not talking to me.

If you send him an e-mail tell him in it that the relationship is over. Pull the plug on this now.

Please consider doing the Freedom Programme again and this time in person.

He sounds like a childish, sulky twat tbh. Being nice the rest of the time isn't the point. Of course he's nice when you're pandering to him and cajoling. I don't know if I'd call it abuse, but I do know that I wouldn't marry a sulky man-child. Marrying him will just show him that you think it's ok to have a husband who behaves that way.

I'm sorry OP he's behaving this way. It's hard to tell if this can be described as abuse, but my ex partner was abusive and giving me the silent treatment was a regular tactic of his - he'd do it until I couldn't take it any more, and being the bigger person I'd apologise, often over nothing & so the cycle would continue. It's something no one else knows about inside your relationship but think how embarrassing it would be to tell a friend in person that your partner has been sulking for days - it is childish and no decent man behaves that way! That's how I used to look at it, when I eventually 'got' what was happening. Good luck

A complete bore. Also has to be centre of attention, and agreed with. It's all about him. & to be honest - you really should be wary about being with a man who's moody if your DC doesn't behave impeccably.

The man was upset about a heater, for God's sake. I doubt it truly was about the heater, he just wanted to have a go at you hence tedious story then massive dulk at your non-impeccable reaction.

Then to sulk, not accept your approach to him then still be in a huff the next day...ffs. you've the patience of a saint and sound far too mature for all this. Sulkers are very hard to live with...

Just to give a further example...I remember really looking forward to spending Friday night together after a long week (as you do), I'd have everything ready, dinner, drinks, movie etc and he'd come in, engineer an argument over nothing & totally spoil our Friday night. This was a typical thing, as well as the silent treatment...

Dinner wOuld be prepared just for me and ds tonight in your place - I wouldn’t cater to a sulking adult. Have you ever said you are behaving just like your mum in one of her sulks and it’s very unattractive in a partner? I think that message should be clear.

God, turning up the sulking because you haven't made any attempts to pacify him? I wouldn't bother with an email - what good do you think that will do? Just bin him off, OP. Life is short.

I was going to tell him in the email that I think because of his unacceptable behaviour we should have a break and call off the wedding.

I can't do it face to face if he's not talking to me

Oh God is he STILL sulking? Time to pull the plug, definitely. Sorry, OP.

Thank you Green

He's come and picked up some of his stuff and is coming back to get the rest at the weekend.

I know I did the right thing but I feel heartbroken.