Having doubts about my relationship - can you help talk me through it?

[ChooChooLaverne]

I just need to put my thoughts down as my head is in a spin and I'm not sure if it's me or DP. I'm sorry but it's quite long.

I met DP 5 years ago and we're meant to be getting married in the summer. He's not speaking to me today. Again. I have told him that I don't like it when he sulks, I hate going to sleep on an argument and like to try and talk to resolve any problems - even if we can't agree - I don't see why we can't be kind to each other.

This time he's sulking because he asked me if I knew how to use the heater last night when I was about to start cooking and I said 'I know' but he didn't listen and carried on telling me how it worked (it's my heater by the way). Now admittedly I don't understand the inner workings of the heater (and nor do I care) but I do know that it has a dial to turn the temperature up and down which is why I again said 'I know'. He got angry with me as he didn't think I was listening to his explanation and he didn't like me saying 'I know' more than once when I obviously didn't know. (Sorry, I do know how tedious this is)

I tried to get him to lighten up and gave him a hug and apologised for interrupting him but I said I didn't think it was important enough to have an argument over and could we just make up and move on. He said it was important to him and went off and lay on our bed. I was trying to make dinner at this point and was about to go and say goodnight to my DS so I left him to it and hoped he'd calm down and we could carry on with our evening.

I tried chatting normally when we had dinner but he wouldn't look at me and gave me monosyllabic responses when I said anything so we spent the rest of the meal like a pair of Carmelite nuns. He went to bed early and when I went to bed later he didn't speak to me, kiss me goodnight or put his arm round me - like he does every night. He got up early for work this morning, didn't kiss me when he got up - like he does every morning - and came and said goodbye in a half-hearted voice before he left.

I haven't heard from him today and I normally get a couple of texts from his throughout the day.

I am normally the one to apologise and cajole/talk to him until he comes out of a sulk but I don't have the oomph to bother today and I haven't sent him a message either.

I feel like I seem to upset him without meaning to and I seem to find myself apologising a lot. I get the impression he sees himself as a victim but I really don't believe I'm to blame for everything. He can take offence over the slightest thing but can sometimes talk to me in a fairly aggressive tone of voice and doesn't seem to understand why I would find that upsetting.

However, most of the time he is absolutely lovely to me and very thoughtful. He has been very patient in developing a relationship with my DS who was very jealous of our relationship in the early days. But he does also seem to take offence at my DS's behaviour sometimes as though if he doesn't behave impeccably it's a personal slight to him.

When things are good between us I feel like we have a great relationship but today it's like all I can remember are the times that he's not spoken to me or has spoken to me in an unpleasant way and I'm not sure what to do. Ironically, there are a couple of wedding related things that I'm meant to be sorting out today but at the moment the thought of spending the rest of my life being given the cold shoulder from time to time by my husband fills me with dread.

Thank you if you've read this far. Is there anything I can do to resolve things? I'd appreciate any thoughts.

Oh well done OP.
But of course you feel heartbroken.
You had a life planned together.
A future.
You invested in this man.
But you did do the right thing for you and your DC.
Give yourself time.
Keep busy and look after yourself!
Get some RL support around you.
and (((((HUGS)))))

so how did you get from him not talking to you (and you were thinking of emailing him) to him collecting his possessions? He seems so self centred and hopefully you will look back at this as a bullet dodged. You deserve far better!

I emailed him to suggest that we need to take a break as I can't live like this - so he left work early and came and got some of his stuff so he can go to his house. He pretty much had everything here as he's been living with us full time for the last year.

I can't really believe he's gone.

I thought he might say sorry or say he wanted to talk about it first but he's just gone

I do deserve better. And so does DS. But it really hurts.

Thank you hellsbells.

Am going to see a friend later

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread but the "feeling of dread" comment was enough for me. Forget the rest, just don't marry him and extricate yourself from this relationship. You know it's not right and you can choose to put a stop to this exhausting merry-go-round.

That's terrible, he just came straight round and collected everything without a word??? He is a prize twunt! He must have checked out emotionally a long time ago, and you are going to take time to get over this. Your DS will be so much better without that huffing puffing monster in your lives. An unmumsnetty hug winging its way to you!

He did say a few words. He said that he is heartbroken and me and DS are his world. He said he'd come back at the weekend to collect his other stuff.

I did try and explain that his ignoring me was really hurtful and I've told him that before and I didn't know what else to do other than to suggest we have a break from each other because I can't live with someone I love ignoring me. He didn't apologise or anything, just seems to think I'm being unreasonable.

I don't think he has checked out emotionally - I think he is just thinking about how he feels. As with the sulking.

In his defence my email probably came as quite a shock.

He's also taken me off Find my Friends on the iphone! He sent me an email before he came round to say he'd come before DS came home from school. I had a look on Find my Friends to see if he was on his way yet and he's gone from there. Who would think to do that as the first thing they do when their fiance tells them they're upset???

Bet he has signed up to Tinder instead. You and your ds deserve a lot more.

Judging by his reaction and total lack of desire to talk things through with you, you have done the right thing. I'm so sorry. Please look after yourself first and foremost though and well done for being brave enough to do something about this sooner rather than later x

God. I can't bear the thought of him signing up to Tinder! I don't think he would.

I don't feel very brave at the moment. Feel like if he phoned and said sorry I'd tell him to come home...

ChooChooLaverne,

Feeling wobbly is normal at such a time but this will pass.

Do not ever take this person back!!!. No, no and no again, he is a carbon copy of his sulking mother.

He is NOT sorry for what he has done here, he just wants you to say sorry and beg him to return. Do not give him that satisfaction. Live well and without him in it. Work on you now and love your own self for a change.

I bet he was shocked, shocked that he wasn’t pandered to and buttered up like the fucking king he considers himself. Deleting you on that thing is a childish blowing a raspberry and a way to make you upset/wonder what he’s doing/whyyy is he being like this-he loves it, he failed to get you to ponder his actions and feelings and bend over backwards by stonewalling you, so this is a new way. Pathetic specimen. Well done on getting that shit out of your life! Hopefully it won’t have caused long term damage to your kid.

Don’t forget you’ve done nothing wrong here. Reread your OP. You actually “gave him a hug and apologised for interrupting him”. But he still deemed you worthy of punishment by not speaking to you for days.

I lived with a sulker for 10 years. Honestly, it bloody destroyed me in the end. Believe me - the shorter term heartbreak is infinitely preferable to living like this. Another poster picked up on 'the feeling of dread' - it made me shudder too. I remember this feeling so well

I believe that you fight for the one you love...cheesy I know but that's what I honestly think. Where is his fight? How has he just accepted your request for a break with no discussion or questions? I would question his desire to be in the relationship, otherwise why would he give up so easily? I think you can do much better OP...

I am so sorry as you will be in shock however his actions reflect on him and I sadly could have predicted it.

He is a victim and as a result feels outraged that YOU would treat him so badly.He will believe you are controlling him, trying to force him to behave in a way that he doesn't think is necessary.

Anyone who reacts like this to normal boundaries has toxic emotions and not usually fixable.

My stbxh did similar but he always believed I would cave.I was prepared to talk, if we could do so rationally, without him blaming me, stonewalling or getting angry.

When I didn't back down he became even more blaming and is still attempting to control me..as we were married I have had a horrendous divorce.

Prepare for him to act out in hurtful ways.He knows you and knows how to press your buttons.
It will feel as if you didn't know him.Surround yourself with friends who love you and will remind you that you didn't deserve this.

Its completely

I'm glad you've done the right thing.

I was going to post that you should march into the living rooms with your best angry face on and say "I am still waiting for your apology for trying to mansplain the heater to me." I'd have booted him just for the mansplaining never mind the punishment sulking for you failing to be a luffley fawning slightly dim girlie hanging on his every "well, actually" to educate you.

I'd be wary of him coming back at the weekend - he may think you will have calmed down and he will win you round!!! I would be surprised if he just "walks away"
Where will your child be when he comes? Can you get a friend round to support you - have his stuff packed and ready at the door?
He sounds abusive. You've done the right thing - but yes off course it will hurt - maybe best to block him too.

I think on some level you were hoping that your email would be a wakeup call for him and that was why you sent it. Otherwise you could have just popped into the next room after he came home from work (still sulking) and said 'Oi, look this isn't working out for me, I'm really sorry but I need to call it a day.'
Isn't it hugely telling that he can't even get his head out of his arse to see your point of view in all this, when you ave actually ENDED THE RELATIONSHIP? This man isn't changing. Ever.

That said I felt hugely wobbly after I dumped my sulky arse of an ex, it was really painful and took ages to get over. Not because the person was such a catch (they so weren't!) but because I had invested so much in the relationship and in my hopes for our shared future. We too were planning to marry and it was the loss of this, the future potential in which it was all magically fine and they weren't a sulky arse that I mourned for terribly. I'm still getting over that and it's been 18 months+. It gets easier all the time, though. Promise.

Who would think to do that as the first thing they do when their fiance tells them they're upset???

Somebody who knows that their sulking and dramatic sadfacing around has, up until now, allowed them to totally evade responsibility.

He did say a few words. He said that he is heartbroken and me and DS are his world.

Yep, him, him, him. He has chosen this by behaving how he has. If you mattered to him as real people then he’d have no problem trying to figure out a healthier way to deal with conflict than sulking, stonewalling, anger and attacks of the vapours...

I did try and explain that his ignoring me was really hurtful and I've told him that before and I didn't know what else to do other than to suggest we have a break from each other because I can't live with someone I love ignoring me. He didn't apologise or anything, just seems to think I'm being unreasonable.

Of course he does because up until now it has not only been accepted by you but it has also resulted in you tripping over yourself to actually make him feel better. He has never been and is not interested now in how you feel, simply in how he can get out of responsibility for himself and get you to give him attention. I

I don't think he has checked out emotionally - I think he is just thinking about how he feels. As with the sulking.

I doubt he was ever ‘checked in’ you are correct that it is all about him. It always has been, even at the start when he was being nice it was all about getting hold of you for him to use.

In his defence my email probably came as quite a shock

I doubt it, if he feels anything at any point it will be anger at you daring to ‘break his heart’ like this and when his ‘I am so sad about what you have done to me’ crap doesn’t result in you trying to make it better.

If he was really heartbroken, he would have apologised for being a knob and begged your forgiveness. He probably is heartbroken that you have not as usual, fallen into line.

He is a child- he sulks, he blames you, he won't accept your apology, he has BLOCKED YOU! And now... he us taking his toys home.

You seem lovely and you deserve sooo mych better....and so does your little boy!

Be strong. Be wise.

Tough times, but you've done the right thing. Be strong 🌸